Does Co-habitation before marriage = higher chance of divorce?

[MizzBrown]

I WOULD co-habitate as long as we had a definite plan. I can't just shack up just to shack up and hope I get my ring.

We'd have to shack up knowing that we have one year or whatever to save up for our wedding, or first house, our first child once we get married, SOMETHING. Open another bank account and actually have a goal. It's pointless to shack up and not even save money. Let it have a purpose.

And i would set a time limit. I might tell him that it's 1 year or 2 years when really in my mind its gonna be 6-10 months and then just leave if we can't see eye to eye about the committment.

I would prefer to be engaged FIRST then shack up to have a financial plan straight for marriage. Anything before an engagement will have a STRICT timeline.

 

[MissScarlett]

The Swedish model on family structure has always intrigued me because it goes against EVERYTHING about how we're told we should operate here in the US. And it seems to work for them.

I hope FlowerHair and our other Swedish members chime in soon about it.


But about the topic...I can't really say because I don't know. I mean sure, the stats clearly say one thing. But I know so many people who cohab'd, indeed got married, and appear to have a very happy marriage. Some are newlyweds, others have been married for as long as I've been alive. *shrugs* I suppose it really depends on the couple. I agree with Cerchier, co-hab with an absolute plan and timeline for marriage would work for me.

Right, now see this is a totally different concept all together. I believe this would be the only way a person should co-habitate, with a CLEAR plan for marriage, i.e., have the ring and a date already set, a bank account together and actively making plans for the wedding that is no less than a year away (Ok so I'm a little rigid)

That is the advice I give when I hear women contemplate this. I know that people that are like "oh we've moving in and we're gonna get married"

They have no proposal, no ring, no plans. Its those that not only never get married IMO, but also sometimes get pregnant later in the relationship to perhaps "spur" on the marriage and they end up with the neither the SO or a DH in the end

I have never seen a marriage result when two people moved in together to 'save' for a wedding either.

 

[Amber_moon]

statistically.... yes.

 

[reallynow]

Personal experience.......DH and I lived together for a little over a year before we got married. It was something that I was not too keen about, but we were already engaged (with a ring-lol), and had concrete plans about getting married. In the end I'm glad I just went ahead and moved in because we didn't date a long time before we got engaged (we knew what it was) so it gave us some time to build. The only thing we had not done was set a date, but once we did we were married 7 weeks later.

It all depends on the relationship. I would not have moved in with him if we were not already engaged and moving forward-nope. AND if I had thought in my gut that he had no intention of actually setting a date and getting married I would not have done it. Women know what it is and should stop wishing on a hope and a prayer.

Will we get divorced because we lived together first, naaaaaaaa. There are so many other things couples get divorced over, I just don't think living together is one of them.

 

[Bunny77]

There are so many other things couples get divorced over, I just don't think living together is one of them.

I think it's the mindset formed when (some) couples live together that leads to later divorces, not necessarily the actual act of living together, IMO.

The way you did it would be the only way I would do it... we're already engaged, we're putting together the wedding plans and that's that!

 

[foxxymami]

I'm still trying to figure that out.....


ETA: I can't do it

 

[Bint Yusef]

I am against anything that sets a woman up to play wifey without getting her just due.

 

[infojunkie]

My story is the same as reallynow's. I had my engagement ring shortly after I moved back home from college. I wanted my own personal apt and my fiancee' misunderstood my intentions. I asked him to get my furniture out of storage (we both worked for U-Haul back then, that's how we met) because I had found me an apt. Well when the truck pulled up all of his things came tumbling out! I was like WTH!!!!! My mother actually pulled me to the side and said the following.

"Look, I know you weren't raised like this and this was never your intention. However, you are wearing his ring. We are already planning the wedding and it's best for you to let him in and assign him some bills than for him to lay up over here until bill time comes due then he runs back home until you pay everything - and after everything is current and running smoothly then here he comes."

That talking to that my Mama gave me was the only reason that fella took up residence under my roof. All bills were in my name and I did not add him to the lease. I had the household set up to such that if we decided at any point and time it wasn't working, he could leave and my household would roll on uninterupted as if he had never been there in the first place.

Long story short - Never say never. Before this situation I would never have shacked up with ANYBODY!

Oh, and we've been together 12 years and will have been married 9 years this summer. Yes, he did buy the cow, cause she had the sweetest milk in town!

 

[Poobity]

I don't know and I'm not willing to find out....

 

[HollyGolightly1982]

My parents got together when they were 15 moved in together at 22 and didn't get married until they were 34 and they are still going strong. My grandparents got married then moved in together and had children and he left her with six kids to raise.

I guess my answer is I don't know. If I end up getting divorced I don't think it will because we lived together before we got married, it would be because our marriage wasn't working out.

 

[InsertCleverNameHere]

I don't think co-habitation itself means you are more likely to divorce, but certain mindframes that are possibly more likely to be present in cohabitating couples may make you more likely to divorce. It always bewildered me when a long-term cohabitating couple (say 3 or more years) gets divorced shortly after marriage. I'm sitting there looking at them like "You lived together all that time, surely you knew what the deal was!" But I think some people go into marriage after cohabitating with the mindframe that cohabitating is like marriage without considering that you now have a legal bond and from that fact alone, cohabitating and marriage foster a completely different mindset.

I'm not really against co-habitating, but I do think people should explore why they are choosing co-habitation over marriage as well as discuss the transition from dating to marriage like a non-cohabitating couple would.

 

[Social.Buttahfly]

There is no one answer to this question. I do know that friends of mine who were engaged then lived together, all of them are still married. If I choose to cohabitate it would certainly be during the engagement phase and not before.

 

[gmw]

Everyone I know who has done this, have not gotten married, except for one and that was because the woman issued an ultimatum .

I am really against moving in with a man period. I am not all that big on marriage. But if a brother is going to ask me to move in with him, I am not entertaining that idea without being engaged, and working on the wedding. Meaning I am wearing the ring and we are putting money away for the wedding, ready to buy a house and yada yada yada....

Still though there are people who do this and suceed. I guess it just depends on ones frame of mind. I think if people have a solid relationship, then they define their own situation. Statistics be damned!!!

 

[Browndilocks]

I think co-habitatation does equal a higher chance of divorce. I've very recently learned however (within the past 2 weeks actually) to NEVER say NEVER. Whew...that's another topic.

Anyway, I personally wouldn't chose to do it at all - not even if we were engaged. The only time I'd live with him is when he's actually my HUSBAND, as in AFTER the wedding.

 

[chicacanella]

What do you guys think? Have you done it? Do you believe in it?

I think that it is almost like, asking for your marriage to be cursed.

 

[tinkat]

I don't plan on doing it. I don't think that it is necessary until I get married. I do think that could lead to higher chance of divorce but everyone is different. My mother did the co-habitation with my stepdad and they are ok, but she always advised me to not to and I feel like there is a good reason behind that. The older I get, the more I understand.

 

[Lucie]

No matter what anyone tells you, you really do not know the person until you live together. However, I do not believe co-habitation is really the right thing to do without a definite plan to get married. I am talking wedding-invitation-sent-out-to-all-your-loved-ones-definite-plans.

But that does not guarantee a life full of bliss either. There are many married people that "wake up one morning" and decide to leave their spouse The best thing to do is put God first and wait for Him to direct your steps.

 

[hrtbndr21]

That's what the statistics say. I found out (my dad let it slip when my mom was out at church yrs. ago ) my parents did it and they've been married over 30 yrs. Just like everything I guess it really depends on the couple.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

I don't know, but several studies have suggested that it does increase the chances of divorce. Another study reported that couples that live together are less likely to eventually marry. It's referenced in this article.

I don't think there's an absolute answer that will apply to everyone. Personally I would not. I feel that it can bring both the benefits and the hurdles of marriage without the sense of strong commitment. Essentially it's like a contract with an easy opt out clause (ie. a rental lease). If I'm going to live with Funkysocks Mceatallmyfood then I'd better be able to introduce him at family events as more than my boyfriend. But that's me, I honestly couldn't care less what others do in this situation and I think people should weigh their situation, the personalities involved, and their desired outcome.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

I cohabitated .

I heard this before, I don't believe it though.

 

[drasgrl]

I have no clue. I've lived with two bf's but I had no intention to marry either one of them.

 

[Soliel185]

I don't want to deal with all the drama and stress of being a newlywed on top of finding out that having my husband around annoys the crap out of me.

I'd rather co-habitate and not have those kinds of surprises, people can always change, but alot of the shock that comes right after marriage and leads to counseling are people trying to figure out how they fit together in one home and how to compromise when it comes to common things like cleaning, money, decor, food shopping, etc.

I would never marry anyone I hadn't lived with first. JMO - if I never get married, that's fine b/c I haven't decided it's definitely something I want to do either way.

 

[frizzy]

Long story short...if the couple is mature enough and love and respect one another, they will marry during/after cohabiting. If the couple isn't mature enough or are not right for each other, they will never marry each other after cohabiting.

ETA- since I didn't answer the actual OP question

I would say NO HIGHER CHANCE OF DIVORCE , but people living together is not serious like marriage is. Just because people live together and say they will marry, doesn't mean they believe they will marry when they say it and live together.

 

[Farida]

correlation is not causality.

The mindset and values of people who choose to cohabit vs. those who don't, plus the reason why they chose to cohabit are valuable points IMO.

 

[SleekandBouncy]

correlation is not causality.

The mindset and values of people who choose to cohabit vs. those who don't, plus the reason why they chose to cohabit are valuable points IMO.

While co-hab would not be my personal choice, that is a good point.

 

[Farida]

In Kenya, a LOT of couples simply move in together, some get married eventually, others stay together so long that they are considered common-law marriages, others stay together till they die. The society is different there. You don't move in to "test" waters or evaluate people. Once you move in everyone will pretty much consider you married. It is not taken lightly.

So, I don't think it is the act itself, rather than the values and mindset of those involved.

 

[Kurlee]

That has been my argument.

So he squeezes the toothpaste from the top.

Doesn't put a new toilet roll when the old one is finished.

Leaves a drop of milk left in the carton.

Yeah, it's annoying, but not grounds for a failing relationship.

thats how I feel. I don't believe in it. I actually am looking forward to making those adjustments and learning more about my hubby when i get married. It may be challenging, but if you can't handle those adjustments should you even be in a relationship?

 

[Bunny77]

I think co-habitatation does equal a higher chance of divorce. I've very recently learned however (within the past 2 weeks actually) to NEVER say NEVER. Whew...that's another topic.

Anyway, I personally wouldn't chose to do it at all - not even if we were engaged. The only time I'd live with him is when he's actually my HUSBAND, as in AFTER the wedding.

Girl.... what u talkin 'bout?

 

[Colliecole]

Unpopular opinion...

We've been together 3 yrs, co-habilitating a year. No in stone plans for marriage yet, maybe sometime within the next 2-5 yrs.

I'm not cheating myself out of anything. I have no intentions of playing wifey and I take the BC pill daily. It's agreed between us that If I turned up preggo we'd jump the broom no Q's asked, but we're not playing "house" right now, it's strickley business. I'm in school and he's building his career, this setup is better for us, financially.

I think couples who are considering marriage should co-hab before hand People are making it seem like "Socks on the floor, no big deal..." No, it's more than that. If it was back in the day, when you left your daddy's house at 17 to move in with you new daddy, your hubby, than it would be differn't. However, when you're grown and have lived alone, you get accustomed to your environment being a certain way. When Mr. Man comes along (or Woman if that's your flavor) all that gets jacked up...get ready for "Can you not leave hair all over the sink when you shave?" and "Do you have to leave the door open when you take a sh**? It's funking up the hall!" and "Babe, can you not blast rap music at 11 pm just because you dont have to work tomorrow?" blah blah blah, fight fight fight....lots of COMPROMISE. I think its important to know is this "till' death do you part" man willing to compromise, and are you willing to uphold your end as well. What better way to find out?

 

[cuteazz1]

Yes it does increase your chances for divorce. In addition in it increases the chances that you will never get married. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Exactly.Don't do it.Especially not for YEARS.If you must set a time limit,then move on.