Do you understand your husband?

[tailormade84]

I just wanna know how many women feel as if they truly understand your husband?

Understand = to know(more or less) why they do what they do

If so, how long did it take for you to fully understand him and to accept him?

ETA: how did you come to understand your husband? what did ya'll do (or not do) to help ya'll understand each other better?

 

[JustKiya]

I understand his motivations, a lot of the times, and I usually can predict his reactions/thought process. He still surprises me sometimes, though, and he still sometimes does things that are utterly baffling - but I suspect that's a man thing.

Hrm. I'd say it took an easy 3-4 years of marriage to get to that point - and a lot of that was because I was so certain I knew what he was going to do/think, I didn't give him the freedom - or opportunity - to react on his own. Once I learned to give him some space and not attempt to predict his reactions - I got a better understanding of him.

ETA:

I didn't understand him at all before we got married. I thought I did. I was wrong. And, I find that when I don't understand him now, it's much easier for us to talk through whatever it is, and reach a point of understanding. We still might not agree with each other, but at least we understand where the other is coming from.

 

[JFemme]

Yes, as much as one can understand the other persuasion....

It took me bout 10 years to wrap my mind round the fullness of said understanding...



(Whats troubling you, dear ??)

 

[tailormade84]

JFemme (since you asked), I am a lil concerned about how little i understand my husband. I thought I knew, but when someone asked me a few questions I realized i truly dont understand him well and I truly dont know where to start. My husband is VERY introverted and doesn't do well with open discussions about himself and his motives. I try, but he just gives these short answers and the convo ends quickly.

But we have only been married about 1.2 years, so I figure its just going to take some time, but I realizing that the longer I go not understanding him, the harder it is for me to deal with him - and I get upset (and stay upset) so much more easily.

I'll edit my original post to add the question: how did you come to understand your husband? because essentially that is what I truly need some tips on.

 

[Coffee]

Yes, I can say I do understand my hubby. We dated for 3 years before getting married and I learned a lot about him. I watched him around his family, his congregation and his children. He was always consistent and it gave me an honest and great understanding of him. We have been married for 10.5 years.

 

[JFemme]

Oh, you are basically still newlyweds

You are correct in stating its gonna take time, sweetie...

As long as his introversion is not causing major communication problems, I'd say bide your time, and know that men and women communicate differently...

DH is also introverted, and it took counseling, classes and such for us get along, grow and move through our marriage..

I married young, and quite idealistic, so it was quite a shock on the other side of the picket fence ...(wit my talkative, upbeat, save the world self)

If you continue to worry, there are plenty of good books out on communication for couples...

Its been so long, I've forgotten many that I've studied (yes, studied)

I'm sure someone else will chime in with some helpful info...

((hugs))

 

[GreenD]

I put yes, but not a super strong one. I have to agree with JustKiya and say it has taken me 4 years (and counting). In some areas not long at all, other, well they're yet to be discovered. Like I know his way of thinking better now, and causes for his reactions. He's so transparent.

I can't wait to get like Moni and hit our 5 year stretch (and get a car maybe?). Moni, I'm so living by that you have no idea!! LOL!!!

 

[KEWLKAT103]

Fully understand, No.
There are some things that he does that I just don't get. I even ask him to explain and his reasoning and it still seems like something from another planet.
I suspect there are some things about him that i will never understand.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I understand DH pretty well, but that's because we've known each other a very long time, and became each other's best friend. Now, does that mean he doesn't do man **** that I at and wonder WTF did that come from? Of course not! But I know where he's coming from, how he got raised, and what he's been through in his life and what makes him who he is. And I love him anyway.

Sometimes, that's enough. You're not going to understand someone fully because you don't have the entirety of their life experience to know what has impacted them and how. You do the best you can and you try because you care and because they matter. Shoot, some of us don't understand OURSELVES, so how can we talk about understanding somebody else?

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

This is a great thread, thank you OP.

 

[JustKiya]

Ah, I'm an introvert too. And I hate talking. And I'm sure if you asked DH, he would say that he only kind of understands me. I also have some trust issues - so it took me a couple of years (even post-marriage) to fully trust him enough to spill my guts and the crazy/ugly sides of me that often fuel some of my motivations.

Ask your DH if he would be more open to carrying on conversations in writing. During a rough period of our marriage, we sent a LOT of emails to each other, and then would sit down and talk about them - often later, sometimes much later. Sharing it in the written word removed some of the 'in your faceness' of whatever we were talking about, and gave us a chance to really work 'through' things, without getting distracted by surface issues.

 

[Radianthealth]

I feel that I do so I voted yes.

DH is more introverted than me, he holds stuff in but eventually he will talk about it. I have learned to let him stay to himself if that is what he wants because he always comes around and talks when he is ready.

It is weird how well we get along...things just flow pretty smoothly (I think because we are both really flexible)

 

[-Kąditty-]

For the most part, I understand my husband. When I do not fully understand him, it is usually when we are arguing about something and he come in from left field with something so far fetched that I just throw in the towel and tell him "you win". At this point, I really have to sit and think about the mess he just said.

I am the introvert in our marriage. DH is an extrovert but wants to get introverted when it comes to "us" discussing our feelings and marriage. For the most part, we get along fine. I let him do him and he definitely let me do me. As long as there is no lying, cheating, hitting, or anything of those extreme natures, we just let each other be.

I have to respect someone to understand them, and of course I have a lot of respect for my DH. Thus far, he has been the most loving, loyal, and caring person in my life.

 

[2Cute!]

JFemme (since you asked), I am a lil concerned about how little i understand my husband. I thought I knew, but when someone asked me a few questions I realized i truly dont understand him well and I truly dont know where to start. My husband is VERY introverted and doesn't do well with open discussions about himself and his motives. I try, but he just gives these short answers and the convo ends quickly.

But we have only been married about 1.2 years, so I figure its just going to take some time, but I realizing that the longer I go not understanding him, the harder it is for me to deal with him - and I get upset (and stay upset) so much more easily.

I'll edit my original post to add the question: how did you come to understand your husband? because essentially that is what I truly need some tips on.

It's hard. My husband is introverted too, and I'm the complete opposite and it can be difficult sometimes.

I think you can only understand a man who aims to be understood. If he wants to "let you in" he will open the door.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

My DH never hides the ball. I mean never! Sometimes I wish he would... He makes me talk about things when I don't want to. I always know where he's coming from.

 

[dlewis]

My husband is pretty simple. I think over the last 2 years I have learned to understand him better.

 

[Sade']

My DH is an extrovert BUT when it comes to talking one on one he goes into a shell. I do understand him NOW. We have known each other since we were 16 and now we are 32. It was an uphil battle but we have gotten better much better with time. We were lucky enough to have had the time to grow together. I personally cannot imagine knowing someone for only 1 year and then get married. For me that's not enough time to fully understand if that's is what u want. I am a thinker so I can't commit to something that quick but hey that's just me. He is not not confrontational and that annoys the hell out of me. Let's address the problem and then fix it. He'd rather sit on it let it fester and ignore the situation. Then he will carry on like everything is ok. That really blows my mind. He is the mirror image of the teenage stubborn version of myself. BUT I understand it and I understand him. It took a lot of time tho. Patience is def a virtue. With this understand we are closer than ever, we have respect for one another and we have a bond that can't be broken. I also think by us not having kids yet it has allowed us to really learn each other as a married couple first.

Just be patient is all I can really say. Have an open mind. U cannot force anything out of an introvert, they will only build the wall up higher.

 

[ladytee2]

I think I do understand him for the most part. Most recently when things disturb me I stop and say a little pray. " Lord that is your child and you are going to have to deal with this. I dont know what to say to him". And I have seen the Lord move. I have been given revaltions on my dh and my marriage that have given me peace.

 

[newbiemom]

I think I do 60 % of the time. We were together for 5 years before getting married and we have been married for 5 years but sometimes we have a discussion and I walk away likewallbash: and that I need a Xanax.

 

[newbiemom]

BeautifulKhen. The little girl is sooooooo beautiful. OMG

 

[Britt]

I like this thread, it's been insightful cause I think I push my SO too much at times to understand him. It's hard for both of us b/c he's built up a wall around himself, but he's slowly letting it down. This thread has been helpful.

 

[N.P.R. Addict]

No but I will!

 

[HisBestFriend]

I think a big part of understanding our partners comes from understanding ourselves.

Why do we do the things we do? what makes us tick and react? What deep seeded hurts and bothers manifest themselves in our interactions with others?

In knowing ourselves we can then form understandings of our mates that they may not even have of themselves. I know that this was the case for DH and I.

I married a man who lives in his emotions but has no idea where they come from - they just are. He doesn't talk about his feelings, he just feels them if that makes sense.

I developed my understanding of him by thinking of his emotions in total opposite of mine - He is emotional and I am logical, almost stoic. Because we've learned how the other operates we both can say we know one another fairly well.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I feel that I understand DH pretty well. I can typically predict what he will say or do in 80% of situations & I can read his emotions pretty well over the phone.

He does surprise me sometimes but he is so open about his feelings and thoughts that I do not always have to ask what's going on. And if he is mulling something over, he will eventually figure it out and then come and tell me the issue that he had been pondering for a few days.

It took us about 2 years of dating to reach a level of understanding but it does get better & better each day.

DH does feel that he knows me well too. I was a bit freaked out when he first talked about my monthly cycle since he had taken notice of my sleeping habits at that time of the month. lol lol