Do you still play hard to get?

[Theo]

I understand how you feel. The guy I was most aloof with fell head over hills for me. The more I pulled away, the harder he chased, and years later, he's still crazy about me. I'm convinced that men really don't know what they want. The guys you aren't feeling will text/call you every single day no matter how much you ignore them; however, it's like you know not to expect that from the man you really want. You fear that showing even a tiny bit of disinterest will push them away. I've never had to worry about making the right amount of eye contact or looking approachable or any of that stuff with random men I wasn't feeling. They wanted me regardless.

That's why I always take guy advice with a grain of salt. Half the time they don't really know what they're talking about, or even what's best for them as far as relationships are concerned.

I'm starting to feel like it is best to purposely choose men you aren't completely crazy about. At least then, the aloofness will come naturally. Been there, done that, and it worked. The men who make me weak in the knees can be thrown into the casual coloring pile . Earlier this year an older man told me that if a woman truly wants to be happy, she need to learn to like the men who like her. He believes that a woman will never find happiness when she tries to choose and pursue who she wants. I'm starting to believe that this is true. I need to learn to sit back once again and let them chase. Men who don't look my way need not be on my radar. There is too much calculation and planning involved in trying to get those men to take notice and step up.

I completely agree with the bolded. Its made my dating life so much easier. So much less drama and its not like you have to date every guy who expresses interest in you... you can still be very selective. The only thing is, once you get used to that behavior you can't date just anyone. Your standards are way high. And what that has taught me is that guys like dating girls with high standards. It makes them feel good when they think they can measure up.

I also think that when you find yourself getting pressed over a dude, sometimes you just need to sit back and tease out what it is about this dude that you're so attracted to. Sometimes women fall victim to the thrill of the chase just as bad as men can. I know I have.

 

[Skyfall]

Men love it when you treat them like ****. I watch my mom and my cousin get man after man pursuing them hard. Buying them gifts taking them to nice places and they would be either so mean to them or not that into them. But like you that's hard for me cuz I'm a nice person but after talking to my mom last night and seeing this thread I'm gonna have to fall back if I want this to work. Im currently dating a great guy but it's still early days and I don't wanna mess this up. Smh it's a shame you can't be yourself and go with what feels right, otherwise it feels like playing games, but I suppose dating is a game.
Damn this thread is really making me realize that I need to fall back a bit. I don't want to .

 

[Theo]

Also, playing hard to get doesn't automatically equal being aloof IME. There was this book, that someone recc'd on this site, the Technique of the Love Affair. It was a really good book, IMO. I like the old books, they drop some real knowledge sometimes.

Anyway, she said be really warm and friendly in words, but not so much in action. Its worked for me.

 

[MizAvalon]

I don't really think of it as playing hard to get but I do make men pursue me and not the other way around. If he is interested in me then he will prove it.

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

I'm starting to believe this may actually be true.

The problem is that if you move to middle-of-nowhereville you will have a smaller sample from which to choose. Cities have the high concentrations of men Catch-22ish

Yup, my sister in law was upstate for several years and had no luck here either. She then got employed in the city and has had no luck there. It's partly because she's expected to marry her own kind and the options are so slim but I think if she met someone worthwhile who was any race her parents would probably be happy because they just want her married. Both my sil and my best friend work in Manhattan which probably has the highest concentration of successful men in the city. It is so disheartening to me that they're not finding anyone.

 

[SurferBabe]

Also, playing hard to get doesn't automatically equal being aloof IME. There was this book, that someone recc'd on this site, the Technique of the Love Affair. It was a really good book, IMO. I like the old books, they drop some real knowledge sometimes.

Anyway, she said be really warm and friendly in words, but not so much in action. Its worked for me.

Will be checking out this book. It is so hard to maintain that submissive role in the hunter-prey nature of dating when you are so used to being aggressive in every other aspect of life as a modern woman. Sometimes I wonder "is it really this easy?" It is.

 

[mischka]

I'm starting to feel like it is best to purposely choose men you aren't completely crazy about. At least then, the aloofness will come naturally. Been there, done that, and it worked. The men who make me weak in the knees can be thrown into the casual coloring pile . Earlier this year an older man told me that if a woman truly wants to be happy, she need to learn to like the men who like her. He believes that a woman will never find happiness when she tries to choose and pursue who she wants. I'm starting to believe that this is true. I need to learn to sit back once again and let them chase. Men who don't look my way need not be on my radar. There is too much calculation and planning involved in trying to get those men to take notice and step up.

This is so depressing to me

 

[SurferBabe]

This is so depressing to me

I didn't mean for it to be depressing! In a way, it is liberating. The game is easier for women because all we really need to do is sit back and say "yes" or "no" to those who choose to approach. It reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City when we first heard "he's just not into you." Miranda felt so liberated when she embraced the concept. No more wondering, or calculating, or over-analyzing. When a man is into you, he'll put in work. All we need to do is look pretty and place ourselves in environments that are full of the type of men we like. That's it.

 

[mischka]

No. I don't feel liberated waiting for someone to choose me. I just don't

 

[Theo]

Will be checking out this book. It is so hard to maintain that submissive role in the hunter-prey nature of dating when you are so used to being aggressive in every other aspect of life as a modern woman. Sometimes I wonder "is it really this easy?" It is.

Seriously... its a good book. I read that book my senior yr of college based off a recc from someone here on the forum and it pretty much changed my dating life. It just helps you frame a different mindset about dating. There's a lot of old-fashioned stuff, but every once awhile in the book she just drops straight up knowledge . Its really not about being submissive, cuz you're taking ownership of your dating life, but in a different way.

She'll talk about how to get a platonic male friend to view you in a romantic light. How to converse with the opposite sex. How to maintain multiple suitors. How to interact at a party if there's a girl in the room who's prettier, smarter, wittier, etc. How to win/maintain a man's affections, etc. She also tells you when to drop it, and which guys you should entertain or drop. I pretty much incorporated it into my life over the span of a few months, and now stuff comes really naturally. I dunno why, but her tips work. Its REALLY traditional though.

And it only cost like $5 on Amazon.


ETA: Now that I think about it, it probably does ask you as the woman to adopt a more traditional mindset about things, which some people may see as submissive. But I like being pursued way more than I like being the pursuer. I think its more fun, and just less stressful, and may be liberating in sense that you're not stressing out as much.

Also, I think that the traditional mindset kind of re-affirms a dude's sense of masculinity because a lot of the old school dating practices were based on traditional gender roles. IME, guys like it when girls make them feel masculine, its like an ego boost to them. It makes them feel good. And guys like being around girls who make them feel good. That's another thing I learned from the book

 

[SurferBabe]

No. I don't feel liberated waiting for someone to choose me. I just don't

I've felt that way, but I'm going to make the most of the wait. I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of "looking." I'm going to just sit back and let things happen . I'm going to fill my schedule up with social activities and take advantage of some extra "me" time. I'm about to join an adult music society and attend local shows on the regular. I'm working on a business plan and I'm going to start writing a book (fiction). I've been looking for him for a while, now it's time for him to find me!

 

[Nuelle]

Yeah. My problem is it's hard for me to act aloof without actually becoming aloof and then I don't care and dump the whole situation it's so hard for me to find the balance

Yup. That's me. Definitely the aloof type. And it's not like I'm "playing" hard to get. I happen to have friends and a busy life, so that's not the issue. It's just sometimes I don't want to be bothered with games and such. Some guys actually find that attractive. Usually, the ones I'm not interested in. But, they like the chase and can't understand why I'm not worshiping the ground they're walking on. My aloofness actually intimidates some guys. And for those guys who I have some interest in, I try not to act aloof but when they don't pursue me as others have, I'm just like forget this. I'm just a very self-contained person. If you're intimidated, I don't have time to soothe your low self-esteem. Keep it moving.

 

[mischka]

ETA: Now that I think about it, it probably does ask you as the woman to adopt a more traditional mindset about things, which some people may see as submissive. But I like being pursued way more than I like being the pursuer. I think its more fun, and just less stressful, and may be liberating in sense that you're not stressing out as much.

Also, I think that the traditional mindset kind of re-affirms a dude's sense of masculinity because a lot of the old school dating practices were based on traditional gender roles. IME, guys like it when girls make them feel masculine, its like an ego boost to them. It makes them feel good. And guys like being around girls who make them feel good. That's another thing I learned from the book

I have nothing against a "traditional mindset" or even being submissive but I am not looking to be chased by a guy I am not interested in, and the only way for me to know I'm interested in a guy is if I chose him first. I was pursued by guys so often when I was coming up that I never really got to feel like I liked a guy and it always felt like giving in for me. Like you want me but I never get the chance to decide if I wanted you! I don't know if anyone else can relate to that.

 

[SurferBabe]

I have nothing against a "traditional mindset" or even being submissive but I am not looking to be chased by a guy I am not interested in, and the only way for me to know I'm interested in a guy is if I chose him first. I was pursued by guys so often when I was coming up that I never really got to feel like I liked a guy and it always felt like giving in for me. Like you want me but I never get the chance to decide if I wanted you! I don't know if anyone else can relate to that.

Hmmm...I see what you're saying, and I can relate. I don't think I've ever had a guy I actually like pursue me as hard as those I don't like--with the exception of my second boyfriend, but I did kinda make the first move though he took it from there. You can mentally choose a guy but if he doesn't actively pursue you then he's just not that interested. I mentally choose guys all of the time, but they don't pursue me as hard as the guys I'm not into. I'm then left over-analyzing the situation--"Did I look approachable enough? Did I make enough eye contact? Should I have smiled more? Should I have started a conversation with him? Was he intimidated? etc..." It gets old after awhile. All of that doesn't seem to matter with guys you don't like. I still plan on mentally choosing guys, smiling, and all that jazz, but I'm done with over-analyzing everything. I'm just going to live and if he wants to be a part of my life he'll get over the shyness and hangups and approach, call, etc...

 

[Triniwegian]

I am hard to get.. even with my SO of over 3 years, I don't make it easy for him or always make myself available.


Sent from my HTC EVO

 

[CarLiTa]

I have nothing against a "traditional mindset" or even being submissive but I am not looking to be chased by a guy I am not interested in, and the only way for me to know I'm interested in a guy is if I chose him first. I was pursued by guys so often when I was coming up that I never really got to feel like I liked a guy and it always felt like giving in for me. Like you want me but I never get the chance to decide if I wanted you! I don't know if anyone else can relate to that.

Interesting.

I've only 'pursued' once, and that was the biggest mistake of my life. I have since sworn off pursuing, choosing first, crushes, etc. I associate all that with setting myself up for heartbreak.

What I have noticed lately is that with anyone I've dated/liked... we chose each other, so to speak. We 'clicked' during that first platonic look or conversation, and it's pretty clear that we're both interested right away. They take the initial step, and I respond warmly (that "I like you, you like me, great! let's run with it" you spoke of, mischka)

So, there isn't much "winning over" to do, emotionally... but I guess that's NOT what guys want and are looking for

So, basically, having men pursuing me first hasn't yielded that many positive results either, so I really feel like I'm at a loss as to what to do. Feel that "click" that I know that we both feel and pretend that I don't? Pretend for how long, how many months?

Too much work