Do you still play hard to get?

[mischka]

I have this problem when I first meet guys not knowing how often to contact them. I feel like when I really like a guy I can come on too strong and end up contacting him too frequently and it turns him off. Mostly I just keep doing it bc I'm bored and want someone to talk to. So, knowing this, I try to force myself not to contact them and wait for them to get in contact with me first. The whole thing makes me really anxious because for some reason I can't find a natural balance and it's uncomfortable. I tell myself, no harm will come from him thinking I'm less interested than I am so it's better to be as aloof as I can manage.

I have sort of a block about this, I can't see it objectively so it always ends up feeling really worrisome. Ultimately I want to scrap the whole thing altogether because it's too stressful and it shouldn't be. You know?

So what do you do?

 

[DejaVu2]

I don't play hard to get.. I am hard to get!

IMO, you should NEVER intiate contact because once you do you've set the rules of the game, and you're always going to be the one to initiate. Only give your time to men who contact you first. They're the ones who really want you. Thus are worthy of your time. My advice to you is change your mindset. Stop thinking about men who aren't contacting you, and think of the ones who are

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

I don't play hard to get.. I am hard to get!

IMO, you should NEVER intiate contact because once you do you've set the rules of the game, and you're always going to be the one to initiate. Only give your time to men who contact you first. They're the ones who really want you. Thus are worthy of your time. My advice to you is change your mindset. Stop thinking about men who aren't contacting you, and think of the ones who are

Great advice!!!

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[kismettt]

I have this problem when I first meet guys not knowing how often to contact them. I feel like when I really like a guy I can come on too strong and end up contacting him too frequently and it turns him off. Mostly I just keep doing it bc I'm bored and want someone to talk to. So, knowing this, I try to force myself not to contact them and wait for them to get in contact with me first. The whole thing makes me really anxious because for some reason I can't find a natural balance and it's uncomfortable. I tell myself, no harm will come from him thinking I'm less interested than I am so it's better to be as aloof as I can manage.

I have sort of a block about this, I can't see it objectively so it always ends up feeling really worrisome. Ultimately I want to scrap the whole thing altogether because it's too stressful and it shouldn't be. You know?

So what do you do?

if playing hard to get keeps you from coming on too strong, do what works. i am always super turned off when a guy texts/calls 24/7 early on. and i'll just not respond to discourage it.

tbh, i texted/called wayyyy too much in high school. and the anxiety/disappointment of w/e his response was (because no matter what, it was never enough. ugh wth) got to be too much for me. i think that's what really helped me just back off.

plus i'd rather get to know him better in person vs over the phone.

also: pretty much the hottest thing is a guy that is into me. like, his hotness is definitely decreased (and my desire to know him) if he's not (or it isn't obvious). i completely lose interest.

 

[mischka]

IMO, you should NEVER intiate contact because once you do you've set the rules of the game, and you're always going to be the one to initiate. Only give your time to men who contact you first. They're the ones who really want you. Thus are worthy of your time. My advice to you is change your mindset. Stop thinking about men who aren't contacting you, and think of the ones who are

Eh, that isn't really what I mean. I mean that I'll end up contacting him like I would a friend just to chat, but I think since he and I are in a romantic context he'll take it the wrong way. So I sort of have to train myself to think of it like you said - which in my opinion makes it a bigger deal than I think it is, which is why I don't naturally think of it that way to begin with - and it's so uncomfortable for me to feel like I have to play this game of "you don't like me if I talk to you!" that I lose interest.

 

[mischka]

if playing hard to get keeps you from coming on too strong, do what works. i am always super turned off when a guy texts/calls 24/7 early on. and i'll just don't respond to discourage it.

tbh, i texted/called wayyyy too much in high school. and the anxiety/disappointment of w/e his response was (because no matter what, it was never enough. ugh wth) got too be too much for me. i think that's what really helped me just back off.

plus i'd rather get to know him better in person vs over the phone.

Yeah. My problem is it's hard for me to act aloof without actually becoming aloof and then I don't care and dump the whole situation it's so hard for me to find the balance

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Yeah. My problem is it's hard for me to act aloof without actually becoming aloof and then I don't care and dump the whole situation it's so hard for me to find the balance

Me too mischka.... Its hard to act coy when I am really interested in a person. Why do we have to play these games? I mean as a adults we should be able to be open and honest with one another, but that is definitely not the case in getting to know another individual. Dating sucks and that is why I gave it up.

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[Lucie]

Date multiple men. That way, you can't be too busy worried about one particular dude, LOL. More importantly, keep yourself busy. What do you do in your spare time? Do you have female friends that you could hang with? Belong to any groups? Classes? Church? When I was single, I was always doing something or going somewhere. To the point when one of the men I was dating would send me a text, I'd think, "Oh crap, I forgot all about him!" I don't necessarily think I was playing, "hard to get," per se but I really had stuff going on. Unless, I am committed to a man I do not make myself available. Not because I am playing games but because I don't feel the need to make myself so available to someone I am not serious about.

 

[DejaVu2]

Date multiple men. That way, you can't be too busy worried about one particular dude, LOL. More importantly, keep yourself busy. What do you do in your spare time? Do you have female friends that you could hang with? Belong to any groups? Classes? Church? When I was single, I was always doing something or going somewhere. To the point when one of the men I was dating would send me a text, I'd think, "Oh crap, I forgot all about him!" I don't necessarily think I was playing, "hard to get," per se but I really had stuff going on. Unless, I am committed to a man I do not make myself available. Not because I am playing games but because I don't feel the need to make myself so available to someone I am not serious about.

+1

Agree with every word. Lucie is on fiyaaaaaaaaaaaaah

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Date multiple men. That way, you can't be too busy worried about one particular dude, LOL. More importantly, keep yourself busy. What do you do in your spare time? Do you have female friends that you could hang with? Belong to any groups? Classes? Church? When I was single, I was always doing something or going somewhere. To the point when one of the men I was dating would send me a text, I'd think, "Oh crap, I forgot all about him!" I don't necessarily think I was playing, "hard to get," per se but I really had stuff going on. Unless, I am committed to a man I do not make myself available. Not because I am playing games but because I don't feel the need to make myself so available to someone I am not serious about.

Touche'

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[mischka]

I talked to my best friend yesterday and he told me he can't understand why I'm single and it must be something I do. He says he's never really seen me date for real, and double date, and whatever and I'm like, because it never gets to that point.

I think my problem is that I dont have a "representative." You know how when you first start dating someone you have your "representative" and the real you doesn't come out into way further down into the relationship... I don't do that. I'm upfront from the start and I don't sweet talk you into seeing me one way in the beginning to sort of trick you into liking me. I just don't know how to do things any other way. I don't have any tricks up my sleeves and my cards are on the table.

Like let me give an example. I was supposed to meet up with this guy today but it rained, so I canceled. But then it stopped raining later in the day and I felt really anxious because I felt like I jumped the gun canceling when I should have just waited it out. You see? It feels like I am too quick to contact and there's just too much damn talking. Now we have to reschedule and do this all over again and it's like losing momentum and losing interest.

It's so frustrating to me and I'm not really sure why. I am an overanalyzer in general and when it comes to getting together before there is really anything going on for some reason it just becomes a big mess to me.

 

[*SkolarStar*]

Date multiple men. That way, you can't be too busy worried about one particular dude, LOL. More importantly, keep yourself busy. What do you do in your spare time? Do you have female friends that you could hang with? Belong to any groups? Classes? Church? When I was single, I was always doing something or going somewhere. To the point when one of the men I was dating would send me a text, I'd think, "Oh crap, I forgot all about him!" I don't necessarily think I was playing, "hard to get," per se but I really had stuff going on. Unless, I am committed to a man I do not make myself available. Not because I am playing games but because I don't feel the need to make myself so available to someone I am not serious about.

I like this answer. I find myself doing the same thing mischka is talking about and I've always wondered what I could do to ease up from it without changing who I am. I wouldn't be changing who I am, I'm just postponing it from him by being busy with other things. Good tip Lucie

 

[Lucie]

I like this answer. I find myself doing the same thing @mischka is talking about and I've always wondered what I could do to ease up from it without changing who I am. I wouldn't be changing who I am, I'm just postponing it from him by being busy with other things. Good tip @Lucie

Thank you.

 

[mischka]

Well right now I'm dating no one but I could be potentially dating 6 guys. I keep putting them all off. Perhaps I should do an experiment where I go out with all of them as concurrently as possible, just to see exactly how thin I can spread it.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

I think my problem is that I dont have a "representative." You know how when you first start dating someone you have your "representative" and the real you doesn't come out into way further down into the relationship... I don't do that. I'm upfront from the start and I don't sweet talk you into seeing me one way in the beginning to sort of trick you into liking me. I just don't know how to do things any other way. I don't have any tricks up my sleeves and my cards are on the table.


It's so frustrating to me and I'm not really sure why. I am an overanalyzer in general and when it comes to getting together before there is really anything going on for some reason it just becomes a big mess to me.

I am usually myself pretty early on, but then again my dating life is abysmal (it is much better now though). I also think too much, and I have been told numerous times from trusted friends that I need to stop thinking and just go with it. That means no games just do what feels right.

 

[Lenee925]

What works for me personally is:

-Reciprocating the degree of communication. If he initiates calling or texting most of the time, I will do some initiating as well.
-I don't analyze much these days. I go with the flow and if I feel like texting or calling, I will. I don't do it in excess at all so they are usually glad to hear from me.
-I don't play hard to get but I also am quite guarded while giving off a breezy attitude. I am pretty chill and like to have fun and keep things light so this helps a great deal with not being too available emotionally. Doing this also keeps me from getting needy/clingy with the texts, or getting oneitis.

 

[Afrobuttafly]

I don't play hard to get.. I am hard to get!

IMO, you should NEVER intiate contact because once you do you've set the rules of the game, and you're always going to be the one to initiate. Only give your time to men who contact you first. They're the ones who really want you. Thus are worthy of your time. My advice to you is change your mindset. Stop thinking about men who aren't contacting you, and think of the ones who are

What she said.

 

[SurferBabe]

Date multiple men. That way, you can't be too busy worried about one particular dude, LOL. More importantly, keep yourself busy. What do you do in your spare time? Do you have female friends that you could hang with? Belong to any groups? Classes? Church? When I was single, I was always doing something or going somewhere. To the point when one of the men I was dating would send me a text, I'd think, "Oh crap, I forgot all about him!" I don't necessarily think I was playing, "hard to get," per se but I really had stuff going on. Unless, I am committed to a man I do not make myself available. Not because I am playing games but because I don't feel the need to make myself so available to someone I am not serious about.

This is right on the money. It's only playing games when you are acting outside of your nature. It was hard for me to play it cool when I didn't have other things occupying my time. I don't really date multiple guys unless I am into them equally. I've found that even when you are dating more than one guy, there is always one you really like and the others are...meh. So I try to occupy that time with work and just pampering myself/doing things alone. Keep your schedule full even if it is just you putting time aside to watch a movie at home.

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

mischka, you sound so much like my best friend. She'll be dating these guys and fretting over whether to text him or him lol. I usually just tell her to let him contact you. When the guy doesn't shower her with attention she doesn't want him anymore. I don't have a clue how to be courted myself lol. I was a play hard to get type though. Half the time I would not even take the calls because I'd be afraid of the guy lol.

Whenever I speak to my best friend I'm just glad that I'm married and didn't really go through dating. It just sounds so disillusioning to me. I never really dated before I got married, I just had "special friendship" type stuff and this includes my husband before we got together seriously. I know it's hard out there, my best friend is 30 and unmarried with no prospects right now, my sister in law also 30 same situation. Both are pretty, live in NYC and have jobs (and for the record they aren't black girls). They aren't demanding or high maintenance girls either. I really think metropolitan areas are bad for women looking for marriage.

 

[ThickHair]

Yeah. My problem is it's hard for me to act aloof without actually becoming aloof and then I don't care and dump the whole situation it's so hard for me to find the balance

Same with me. If I can act aloof then I am not interested at all.

What I do know is if I "ack" yeah I said "ack" like an ibtch then guys do respond better. The problem is I have to make an effort to "ack" ibtchy and again, I am not all that interested in dude, I just want to see what I can do.

 

[Amerie2304]

Me too @mischka.... Its hard to act coy when I am really interested in a person. Why do we have to play these games? I mean as a adults we should be able to be open and honest with one another, but that is definitely not the case in getting to know another individual. Dating sucks and that is why I gave it up.

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Exactly how I feel at the moment! I'm too old to play games and I don't have the patience/time to sit around and strategically think my next move like I'm playing chess instead of dating someone I like. And I've never been good at multiple dating. It's rare I meet 2 people I like equally at the same time. I don't think it's fair to spend time with someone else knowing I'm not really feeling them but just doing it to occupy my time. That sounds rather mean and I wouldn't want it done to myself.

 

[Oasis]

i don't play hard to get. i'm naturally very aloof which makes dating quite difficult, imo.

also: pretty much the hottest thing is a guy that is into me. like, his hotness is definitely decreased (and my desire to know him) if he's not (or it isn't obvious). i completely lose interest.

this is how i operate. there is nothing more unattractive than someone who isn't into me.

 

[mischka]

Exactly how I feel at the moment! I'm too old to play games and I don't have the patience/time to sit around and strategically think my next move like I'm playing chess instead of dating someone I like. And I've never been good at multiple dating. It's rare I meet 2 people I like equally at the same time. I don't think it's fair to spend time with someone else knowing I'm not really feeling them but just doing it to occupy my time. That sounds rather mean and I wouldn't want it done to myself.

Exactly. I actually don't have any problem dating multiple men but it's usually when I don't REALLY like any of them. If I actually like a guy, I don't WANT to date other guys and I feel like I'm potentially ruining something I could have with the guy I do like. I'm starting to think, though, that that is wrong. That I should be dating multiple men ESPECIALLY when I really like one of them. It's just really hard for me to do that because I'm so straightforward. If I'm interested in you, I don't want to play about that. I want to explore that. But I'm starting to feel like that turns guys off and it becomes more important to be aloof in the circumstances where you LEAST want to be.

I just can't stand this siht. I feel like when I find a guy that I think I could really like even when I tell myself ok don't get your hopes up, if he shows reciprocation I just get my hopes up. Like PAST where he reciprocated. Because I guess it's like "I like you you like me great! Let's run with it" and he's probably more like "I like you you like me but that's the end of it" and not thinking past that.

From here on out I'm just going to start treating men like ****. I'm tired of trying to treat men like I would expect them to treat me because at the end of the day it really is just about the chase for them. They are stupid and they don't want you to like them. And I don't care anymore if it makes me not like them for real. Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the same page with someone and we are actually not. I'm done being nice and in fact I think I might become a user.

 

[Trini_Chutney]

Yes, and I'm married. Bwahahahaha

He still has to romance and surprise me, it keeps me happy

 

[CarLiTa]

Exactly. I actually don't have any problem dating multiple men but it's usually when I don't REALLY like any of them. If I actually like a guy, I don't WANT to date other guys and I feel like I'm potentially ruining something I could have with the guy I do like. I'm starting to think, though, that that is wrong. That I should be dating multiple men ESPECIALLY when I really like one of them. It's just really hard for me to do that because I'm so straightforward. If I'm interested in you, I don't want to play about that. I want to explore that. But I'm starting to feel like that turns guys off and it becomes more important to be aloof in the circumstances where you LEAST want to be.

I just can't stand this siht. I feel like when I find a guy that I think I could really like even when I tell myself ok don't get your hopes up, if he shows reciprocation I just get my hopes up. Like PAST where he reciprocated. Because I guess it's like "I like you you like me great! Let's run with it" and he's probably more like "I like you you like me but that's the end of it" and not thinking past that.

From here on out I'm just going to start treating men like ****. I'm tired of trying to treat men like I would expect them to treat me because at the end of the day it really is just about the chase for them. They are stupid and they don't want you to like them. And I don't care anymore if it makes me not like them for real. Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the same page with someone and we are actually not. I'm done being nice and in fact I think I might become a user.

Gawd, it's exactly how I feel. I like you, you like me, let's run with it... aaannd nope. I'm running by.myself.

The time in my life when I did cold and aloof, I had much more success. I need to get back to that pronto. What's sad is that I wasn't even TRYING to be cold and aloof, I just was! Now trying this crap is so freaking difficult.

 

[Lilac87]

Exactly. I actually don't have any problem dating multiple men but it's usually when I don't REALLY like any of them. If I actually like a guy, I don't WANT to date other guys and I feel like I'm potentially ruining something I could have with the guy I do like. I'm starting to think, though, that that is wrong. That I should be dating multiple men ESPECIALLY when I really like one of them. It's just really hard for me to do that because I'm so straightforward. If I'm interested in you, I don't want to play about that. I want to explore that. But I'm starting to feel like that turns guys off and it becomes more important to be aloof in the circumstances where you LEAST want to be.

I just can't stand this siht. I feel like when I find a guy that I think I could really like even when I tell myself ok don't get your hopes up, if he shows reciprocation I just get my hopes up. Like PAST where he reciprocated. Because I guess it's like "I like you you like me great! Let's run with it" and he's probably more like "I like you you like me but that's the end of it" and not thinking past that.

From here on out I'm just going to start treating men like ****. I'm tired of trying to treat men like I would expect them to treat me because at the end of the day it really is just about the chase for them. They are stupid and they don't want you to like them. And I don't care anymore if it makes me not like them for real. Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the same page with someone and we are actually not. I'm done being nice and in fact I think I might become a user.

I could have written every.single.word in your post. I feel the same way.

I wish I could offer some help for us but it's looking like the only way to get what we want is to be cold, aloof, a user. I'm so tired of losing the 'game.'

 

[Katherina]

I really think metropolitan areas are bad for women looking for marriage.

I'm starting to believe this may actually be true.

The problem is that if you move to middle-of-nowhereville you will have a smaller sample from which to choose. Cities have the high concentrations of men Catch-22ish

 

[SurferBabe]

Exactly. I actually don't have any problem dating multiple men but it's usually when I don't REALLY like any of them. If I actually like a guy, I don't WANT to date other guys and I feel like I'm potentially ruining something I could have with the guy I do like. I'm starting to think, though, that that is wrong. That I should be dating multiple men ESPECIALLY when I really like one of them. It's just really hard for me to do that because I'm so straightforward. If I'm interested in you, I don't want to play about that. I want to explore that. But I'm starting to feel like that turns guys off and it becomes more important to be aloof in the circumstances where you LEAST want to be.

I just can't stand this siht. I feel like when I find a guy that I think I could really like even when I tell myself ok don't get your hopes up, if he shows reciprocation I just get my hopes up. Like PAST where he reciprocated. Because I guess it's like "I like you you like me great! Let's run with it" and he's probably more like "I like you you like me but that's the end of it" and not thinking past that.

From here on out I'm just going to start treating men like ****. I'm tired of trying to treat men like I would expect them to treat me because at the end of the day it really is just about the chase for them. They are stupid and they don't want you to like them. And I don't care anymore if it makes me not like them for real. Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the same page with someone and we are actually not. I'm done being nice and in fact I think I might become a user.

I understand how you feel. The guy I was most aloof with fell head over hills for me. The more I pulled away, the harder he chased, and years later, he's still crazy about me. I'm convinced that men really don't know what they want. The guys you aren't feeling will text/call you every single day no matter how much you ignore them; however, it's like you know not to expect that from the man you really want. You fear that showing even a tiny bit of disinterest will push them away. I've never had to worry about making the right amount of eye contact or looking approachable or any of that stuff with random men I wasn't feeling. They wanted me regardless.

I'm starting to feel like it is best to purposely choose men you aren't completely crazy about. At least then, the aloofness will come naturally. Been there, done that, and it worked. The men who make me weak in the knees can be thrown into the casual coloring pile . Earlier this year an older man told me that if a woman truly wants to be happy, she need to learn to like the men who like her. He believes that a woman will never find happiness when she tries to choose and pursue who she wants. I'm starting to believe that this is true. I need to learn to sit back once again and let them chase. Men who don't look my way need not be on my radar. There is too much calculation and planning involved in trying to get those men to take notice and step up.

 

[Giselle685]

Spend time with your girlfriends. Get your mind occupied. I don't suggest dating multiple men at once in a romantic way because that could also mess with your self esteem. JMO.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Exactly. I actually don't have any problem dating multiple men but it's usually when I don't REALLY like any of them. If I actually like a guy, I don't WANT to date other guys and I feel like I'm potentially ruining something I could have with the guy I do like. I'm starting to think, though, that that is wrong. That I should be dating multiple men ESPECIALLY when I really like one of them. It's just really hard for me to do that because I'm so straightforward. If I'm interested in you, I don't want to play about that. I want to explore that. But I'm starting to feel like that turns guys off and it becomes more important to be aloof in the circumstances where you LEAST want to be.

I just can't stand this siht. I feel like when I find a guy that I think I could really like even when I tell myself ok don't get your hopes up, if he shows reciprocation I just get my hopes up. Like PAST where he reciprocated. Because I guess it's like "I like you you like me great! Let's run with it" and he's probably more like "I like you you like me but that's the end of it" and not thinking past that.

From here on out I'm just going to start treating men like ****. I'm tired of trying to treat men like I would expect them to treat me because at the end of the day it really is just about the chase for them. They are stupid and they don't want you to like them. And I don't care anymore if it makes me not like them for real. Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the same page with someone and we are actually not. I'm done being nice and in fact I think I might become a user.

I feel you, especially on the bolded!!!! I am REALLY over the BULLHSIT!!!!

For me, even if I am dating other guys, the guy I like talks a huge priority over everyone else. So I just gave up completely. I am tired of being disappointed over and over. Honestly, I am starting to think I may just stay single forever, and adopt a child later.