Do you stay if there is no "spark"?

[BobbieDoll]

Hi Ladies, I have a question. If you met a wonderful man that is everything you are looking for, who wants to be with you and treats you the way you feel you deserve you should be treated but you feel like the feelings you thought you had for him are fading away do you stay with him? I feel he has the qualities that I have been looking for and even prayed about but I just don't have feelings for him the way I should. How can a relationship be successful if I feel like I am only staying with him to see if I will eventually learn to love him? I'm trying to being opened minded about this situation but I feel like the person I am going to be in a relationship with is going to be someone that I have strong feelings for that over time will get stronger not go away. I hate to be one of those women who claim there are no good men available when one is staring me in the face but I feel like if I stay with him I will only be setting him up to be hurt in the long run. I know what I have to do but I just wanted to see if someone has been in a similar situation or can open my eyes to something I'm not seeing. TIA!

 

[Nonie]

I don't think I've ever been in that situation, but one thing I sign on cards for people about to get married is "Never forget the reason you two fell in love."

When I was a teen, I was a hopeless romantic. I remember feeling so much love for someone and seeing those feelings expressed in movies or real-life documentaries...and I wondered what happens to make people fall out of love. Like how does it all go wrong. And I remember that's when the message I write for people came to me: "If people held onto the moments that meant the world to them...and never let those go, perhaps they'd never stop feeling the love they felt at those moments. Perhaps those memories would rekindle a love that was fading."

Of course, I don't know if it works, but it'd be something I'd try before throwing in the towel.

If you ask a lot of people with successful relationships how they make it work, what a lot of them will say is they CHOSE to love that person. It was something they worked at instead of just waiting for the feelings to be the controlling factor. Coz there will be times you will get so angry, that the last thing you think you want to feel for that person is love. But love is a powerful thing. It is the thing that leads a mother to still feel love for a child who killed her husband. She could be so mad and want to have nothing to do with that child that robbed her of the love of her life...but she'd be shattered if anything happened to that child. Love is patient. Love perseveres.

You mentioned praying... I suggest you keep at it. Pray for him, not you. Stormie Omartian has several books on relationships and in her book "The Power of the Praying Wife" she shares how she was so mad at her hubby and "that quiet voice from above" told her to pray for him. She argued with God that it was she who needed prayer coz he's the one in the wrong. But that prodding little voice wouldn't quit so she did. Her prayer shocked me when I got to the part where she said, "God give my husband a new wife..." until I read the end of the line where she said, "...and let it be me."

Anyway, one of the things she shares is selfless praying for your hubby...his happiness, success at work, his health...and how doing that really changes your relationship and somehow brings you both to the same page where you really get along. I don't know if that's what will happen with your guy, but perhaps praying will help you get direction on what to do.

Wish you happiness, Sweetie.

 

[dlewis]

Most successful relationships have nothing to do with love, I'm sure there's respect there.

I think we as Americans have bought into a bunch of crap, which has lead to us looking for something that will cause us nothing but heartbreak. I honestly think very few people get that perfect marriage, those perfect feelings, shared by both people.

If I were you I would decide what's important to me and go from there.

I remember a lady I know leaving her good and faithful husband for a man who made her feel like she was losing her mind in bed. All she could think about was that she loved him and he had that good penis. They weren't married 3 months before she started complaining that he cheats, doesn't like to work, all he wants to do is have sex. I would always think "we'll that's what you wanted. He can't provide you with anything but a long, hard, wonderful stick."

 

[Britt]

Hummmm ...
I don't know if I'd stay, simply b/c those are feelings you can't force. Yes, it will come and go but it needs to be there to begin with. I think every man and woman should feel in love with the person they are with, especially in the beginning. I look at it this way - is it fair to him to be w/ someone who doesn't feel the same amount of joy that he feels towards you?

Dlewis, I hear what you are saying and I totally agree that American's romanticize love way too much, but that type of love must be there to begin with, don't you think? When that type of click/connection/spark is there you are more likely to do more for the person, to be more affected by them and vice versa. Can you imagine just simply not feeling your husband in that way at all, I'm sure it would amplify your quarrelings even more. When you get upset w/ him you might begin to resent him b/c you're not in love with him? Maybe I'm not articulating myself in the way that I should.

OP, I'd say give it sometime but if those feelings never come, then there is nothing you can do about it. But I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life w/ someone that I am not inherently attracted to. I'd never marry someone based solely off of spark only (that's not wise ), but I'd need to have some sort of spark there. I want to be able to look at my husband and still think "damn, I love this man" or better yet "I love him so much more now"

 

[Ladybelle]

the spark comes & goes in marriage, it's up to those in the marriage to keep it lit or relight it when needed.

as long as he treats you right, respects you & all those neccessary things, then I wouldn't fret so much over a spark. Love is a choice, not something that just happens. We have to teach ourselves how to love and to do that consistently is work. Hence,one of the reaons marriage is a job.

Once the honeymoon phase is over, that's when you really get to see what love is comprised of and it isn't all sparks all the time either.


eta:if you're not married to him, then you have the option to throw in the towel & continue on your search to find what you are looking for.

 

[Britt]

the spark comes & goes in marriage, it's up to those in the marriage to keep it lit or relight it when needed.

as long as he treats you right, respects you & all those neccessary things, then I wouldn't fret so much over a spark. Love is a choice, not something that just happens. We have to teach ourselves how to love and to do that consistently is work. Hence,one of the reaons marriage is a job.

Once the honeymoon phase is over, that's when you really get to see what love is comprised of and it isn't all sparks all the time either.


eta:if you're not married to him, then you have the option to throw in the towel & continue on your search to find what you are looking for.

I agree with this, lustful feelings will def come and go, but that underlying love is still there. That spark needs to be there from the beginning, I also don't think that's something you choose, it's just.. there.

 

[Farida]

If the two of you had those feelings once, you can have them again. Sometimes you lose the spark because you don't feed the romance. You become roommates, partners etc. Think of what the two of you used to do. Court each other and try and have dates. Dates don't have to cost money.

Many LTR go through ebbs and flows and you really have to work at it.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

the spark comes & goes in marriage, it's up to those in the marriage to keep it lit or relight it when needed.

as long as he treats you right, respects you & all those neccessary things, then I wouldn't fret so much over a spark. Love is a choice, not something that just happens. We have to teach ourselves how to love and to do that consistently is work. Hence,one of the reaons marriage is a job.

Once the honeymoon phase is over, that's when you really get to see what love is comprised of and it isn't all sparks all the time either.

I agree with all of this, but the OP needs to chime in with what attracted her to him. I am getting the feeling that she never "loved" him or had a spark.