Do I have the right to feel hurt?

[BronzyBella]

Earlier in the summer, I met a guy. We realized right away that we had a lot in common. We started texting each other every other day and seeing each other ever couple of weeks (we live pretty far apart). He told me he was attracted to me/liked me, and I told him the same. We never did anything but kiss and seemed to be hitting it off.

The other day, we're having a conversation (via text) and he mentions that he saves all his energy for work, partying and sex. I couldn't just ignore the comment. Wondering how he would respond, I asked "Oh. Do you have a very active sex life or something?" He FREAKED out on me, telling him I had no right to ask him a personal question like that (which I agree with - hindsight)... but he also told me "you're not a close friend, I'm not TRYING to get close to you, I'm not TRYING to be in a relationship with you.." and went off some more.

I was embarrassed to have asked a question that offended him/made him respond that way but at the same time I was relieved that something (his intentions towards me) came out like that.

We haven't talked since and I'm considering cutting him off altogether. Why? Because I don't like the idea of dating someone while they're actively seeking to meet other people (via clubbing once a week) because you aren't "good enough" (for lack of a better term)... or developing feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same way.

Do you think there was anything inappropriate about his reaction? A guy friend of mine told me that I had no right to ask him such a question if he wasn't my boyfriend.

Do I have a right to feel hurt by how cold/upfront he was about it?

 

[Blkrose]

Wow...his reaction was uncalled for. If he didn't want you to ask, why would he tell you that he save his energy for sex?!! Umm mixed messages much? He says he's not trying to get close to you etc. but he tells you a comment like that, comes to see you and kisses you. OOO...KKKK.

 

[babyu21]

His reaction was way out of line. He may have been caught off guard but he should have handled it much better. I would keep it moving if I were you. He opened the door when he mentioned sex and I would have wanted to know also.

 

[PatTodd]

He deliberately raised the issue of sex to provoke a reaction from you, so that he could tell you that he doesn't plan on getting serious with you. Believe him and move on.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

I agree with Pat. I think it was his way of letting you know he is seeing other people. He probably started to feel like tou may have wanted a relationship and wanted to nip it in the bud. Guy sounds like a psycho from that reaction. Steer clear of this one.

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[Seeking8Rights]

I say your guy friend was right. I think you should have just took mental note instead of asking the question right then. Your response to his statement sounded reactive and so was his and it sounds like it's too early for this.

So, should you be hurt? No.

 

[MzLady78]

The other day, we're having a conversation (via text) and he mentions that he saves all his energy for work, partying and sex. I couldn't just ignore the comment. Wondering how he would respond, I asked "Oh. Do you have a very active sex life or something?" He FREAKED out on me, telling him I had no right to ask him a personal question like that (which I agree with - hindsight)... but he also told me "you're not a close friend, I'm not TRYING to get close to you, I'm not TRYING to be in a relationship with you.." and went off some more.

This entire paragraph, not just him having a tantrum over you asking him about his sex life is more than enough reason for you to keep it moving. He sounds like a real a**hole and a bit unstable, IMO.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

This entire paragraph, not just him having a tantrum over you asking him about his sex life is more than enough reason for you to keep it moving. He sounds like a real a**hole and a bit unstable, IMO.

Or it could be that the OP was reading more into things than what really were and her asking the question hit a nerve with him. He might be the type to take things slow, so it probably turned him all the way off.

 

[Keen]

You had every right to ask that question from your perspective. He didn't over reacted. He told you about himself. He straight up told you he is not trying to be in a relationship with you. When someone tell you about themselves, you listen.

 

[Mortons]

Basically, he's a little beyotch. Delete his number and keep it moving.

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[MzLady78]

Or it could be that the OP was reading more into things than what really were and her asking the question hit a nerve with him. He might be the type to take things slow, so it probably turned him all the way off.

If he took issue with her question, he could have simply said "that's not something I'm comfortable discussing right now." But to be the one to bring the subject up in the first place and then throw a hissy fit about it? Naw, son.

 

[BonBon]

TBH I don't care whether this was a friend, a potential partner, or a FBuddy he doesn't need to speak to you like that. Especially when he brought up the subject first.


IMO even though he doesn't want a relationship right now, even if he did that would be a red flag to me that he would talk to women like that.

 

[MzLady78]

TBH I don't care whether this was a friend, a potential partner, or a FBuddy he doesn't need to speak to you like that. Especially when he brought up the subject first.


IMO even though he doesn't want a relationship right now, even if he did that would be a red flag to me that he would talk to women like that.

Exactly. I would have had to ask him who the hell he thinks he's talking to.

 

[Makenzie]

He brought up the topic of sex. I think this was just his way of opening the door to tell you he's not into you. Cut him off, keep it moving and count your blessings.

 

[BronzyBella]

Thanks everyone. I may have shown him that I was beginning to take him/us seriously.

On his birthday card, I wrote him a mushy incription he didn't directly respond to, and I also got visibly annoyed during his bday week when he was "too busy" to drop me a line.

In all honesty, this isn't the first time he's freaked out on me so I may just take your advice and keep it moving.

I think Pam hit the nail on the head when she said he used the opportunity to mention/show he was seeing other people since he realized I was getting "attached."

 

[hopeful]

Girl dump him, cut him off completely. You did NOTHING wrong. He brought up the topic. He was testing you. Letting you know either he is actively having sex with other women or that he expects you to have sex with him SOON. I think I would have asked the same question you did. You deserved clarification. Welp, he clarified. He is not the one for you, you can to do better. His reaction was uncalled for and a punk move IMO.

And yes, you have the right to feel hurt.

 

[Elnahna]

Do you think there was anything inappropriate about his reaction? A guy friend of mine told me that I had no right to ask him such a question if he wasn't my boyfriend.

I think the guy was out of line, simply because he opened that door when he mentioned sex. So, yes, I'd wonder just how active his sex life is that he has saving energy for it. That would seem like the logical progression.

And your friend, was wrong. You've been spending all this time with this guy, there is an emotion investment. Why would you wait until he's your "boyfriend" before finding out how active he is and where you relationship is leading? Never go in with blinders on.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

If he took issue with her question, he could have simply said "that's not something I'm comfortable discussing right now." But to be the one to bring the subject up in the first place and then throw a hissy fit about it? Naw, son.

Yeah I agree with you on his approach. I'm just looking at why would he respond that way? We can't assume that every man is crazy because then we would have to assume the same about ourselves....Women get up in arms about questions or statements guys have made too because we felt "he had no right" or "how dare he".

 

[MzLady78]

Yeah I agree with you on his approach. I'm just looking at why would he respond that way? We can't assume that every man is crazy because then we would have to assume the same about ourselves....Women get up in arms about questions or statements guys have made too because we felt "he had no right" or "how dare he".

I get what your saying and you could be right. His response was just so extra that I'm like WTH? All of that over a subject HE brought up? And now to see that this isn't the first time... IDK.

But at the very least, he's extremely immature.

 

[Charz]

Let him go, OP

He purpsely said he only has energy for work and sex tio\ make it clear that he doesnt want a relationship. He's pretty much looking for NSA situation.

His response was juvenile as hell too. Release the fool

Seeking8Rights Men are supposed to be the "logical/rational" ones so I expect a better response from a man to such a question.

 

[Poohbear]

Do you think there was anything inappropriate about his reaction?

YES!

A guy friend of mine told me that I had no right to ask him such a question if he wasn't my boyfriend.

Whatever!

Do I have a right to feel hurt by how cold/upfront he was about it?

No reason to feel hurt if you haven't made any type of emotional or physical investment in him. You should feel GLAD! Be thankful that this happened early during the "dating" / "getting to know each other" phase.

 

[SamandI]

I came to my conclusion about this idiot when you said you guys only text. If a guy is invested in developing a relationship, he'll do more than just text. I've been in one of those texting "relationships", where we hung out alot and we called each other bf/gf but maybe I talked to him on the phone 4 times in the 3 months we were together. He broke up with me by text too.
I think this guy was testing the waters to see how long you'll continue settling for less than the best. Throwing the sex comment out there was bait. Reacting the way he did was also more bait to see if he could get away with continuing to disrespect you. He's an a s s. Delete his number and ignore him. It'll hurt him more than it hurts you now.

 

[Leesh]

Honestly, I'm more focused on the fact that he mentioned "He saves his energy for sex", that was very bold, but for you, very informative.

OP I think he told you a lot in "THAT" statement alone. and the other comments made were his true feelings, and put the two together, he was just looking for Sex from you. I know he said some things that sounded good in the beginning, but some of the times, if the person is not genuine with his intentions, that could be part of their game to get what they want.

 

[Theo]

He sounds off. Cut him off.

 

[Fine 4s]

KAH-RAY-ZAYYYY

DEE-RAAAAANGGGGED!

Run ...while you have the right to feel hurt, RUN nevertheless!!!!

 

[hopeful]

I came to my conclusion about this idiot when you said you guys only text. If a guy is invested in developing a relationship, he'll do more than just text. I've been in one of those texting "relationships", where we hung out alot and we called each other bf/gf but maybe I talked to him on the phone 4 times in the 3 months we were together. He broke up with me by text too.
I think this guy was testing the waters to see how long you'll continue settling for less than the best. Throwing the sex comment out there was bait. Reacting the way he did was also more bait to see if he could get away with continuing to disrespect you. He's an a s s. Delete his number and ignore him. It'll hurt him more than it hurts you now.

@ the bolded . Texting every other day is not the business. A person can text you while going to the bathroom, out on a date with another girl, hanging out with his boys. It's truly minimal effort. If a guy is into you he will pick up the phone and talk to you, he will want to hear your voice. I really wish more women understood this. Settling for a texter is asking for heartbreak IMO. Yes I know there are exceptions where folks texted all the time, fell in love, and got married BUT that is the exception. Texting more than talking on the phone = A huge red flag.

 

[Mortons]

@ the bolded . Texting every other day is not the business. A person can text you while going to the bathroom, out on a date with another girl, hanging out with his boys. It's truly minimal effort. If a guy is into you he will pick up the phone and talk to you, he will want to hear your voice. I really wish more women understood this. Settling for a texter is asking for heartbreak IMO. Yes I know there are exceptions where folks texted all the time, fell in love, and got married BUT that is the exception. Texting more than talking on the phone = A huge red flag.

Hmmmm interesting point...

 

[hopeful]

Hmmmm interesting point...

I tried to explain this to my daughter but she won't listen because she is shy and doesn't like talking on the phone. She will have to learn the hard way. A dude can carry on like 20 texting relationships at once, much more difficult to talk on the phone with 20 girls daily. A phone call takes effort, a little planning, and interest.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

@ the bolded . Texting every other day is not the business. A person can text you while going to the bathroom, out on a date with another girl, hanging out with his boys. It's truly minimal effort. If a guy is into you he will pick up the phone and talk to you, he will want to hear your voice. I really wish more women understood this. Settling for a texter is asking for heartbreak IMO. Yes I know there are exceptions where folks texted all the time, fell in love, and got married BUT that is the exception. Texting more than talking on the phone = A huge red flag.

So true. Which is one of the reasons why I said what I did. Not trying to be harsh, but state the obvious.

I see no reason to be up in arms or hurt over something that seems to have not existed. IF they were in a "relationship" then yeah, your feelings should be hurt, but texting and some get togethers? Having hurt feelings in this situation is running before walking.

 

[loved]

Your response seemed like a natural flow from the conversation. Substitute something else:

Him: I save all my energy for working and playing football.
Natural Response: Do you play football a lot?

Why raise the issue in that way if he didn't think it was an appropriate topic for discussion?

He told you who he is. The real question is are you listening and is he worth another moment of your time & energy given his priorities & where you fall (or don't fall) in those priorities.

And I agree with the other ladies on skipping a man whose main means of communication is texting. Do you notice him texting a lot when he is with you? Probably so & that's how that ball bounces.