Do I have a right to feel uncomfortable?

Kkinds

Kkinds

Member
I've started dating this awesome guy. We knew each other in college and talked/flirted back in forth, but a few months ago we decided to get more serious...be exclusive. He has a lot of female friends. Now I wasn't uncomfortable with this, but in my last relationship my boyfriend at the time had a "friend" who eventually stole my man. Lol I'm over it, but from that point on I've been weary about these so called female friends. I know it may sound childish and immature, but I can't shake the insecurities from my past. Last week her father died and he's coming home from military duty Friday and the funeral is Saturday. He's planning to attend which is only right for a friend to be there for such a tragic time. She was sending him things while he was in AIT school (military school) so I asked him...if they were close. He told me that she wanted to be with him, but he didn't want to and she helped him a lot when he was struggling financially. Do I have a right to feel uncomfortable or an I being petty/letting my past interfere with my current relationship? Also, I've never met this friend mainly because he's been away with the military half of our relationship.
 
You, my friend, are getting signals from what many of us refer to as your gut! Listen to her. She is trying to get your attention! :yep:
 
I'm not sure how most people do things, but I would not put up with my man continuing to be friends with someone who openly liked him.

I also wouldn't put up with a guy with a bunch of female friends period. I just feel that there's something untrustworthy about the type of guy that keeps a bunch of female "friends."

The reason I feel this way is because, and many of you can probably relate to this... I've never had a straight male friend who I felt wouldn't take it to the next level with me if he had the chance. I believe most male friends like and are attracted to the women they choose to have friendships with on a certain level.
 
Last edited:
I would DEFINITELY be uncomfortable , considering that the friend actually wants more. But you can't really make him drop her because she was his friend first. I think that if you really like him, you should stop worrying so much but keep your eyes and ears open for red flags(excess communication, acting to familiar with each other,etc). If you can't get over it in the longrun, find someone else.
 
I personally would not permit my husband/bf/so to have friendships with women, without experiencing what you have in the past. It's common knowledge that these things can happen and prevention is better than cure. I don't think it is unreasonable that you feel uncomfortable and fear of this happening to you again is not insecurities, it's a risk and it can happen again
 
OP, I've had a similar experience to you and think that you are right to feel uncomfortable. Especially so as your SO has admitted that his friend wants to be with him. To be honest, even though he is with you he has taken advantage of the fact that he knows she likes him. So now he feels indebted to her at least, and at most he likes having her around as someone who has his back.

There is just too much potential for this situation to get out of hand. Having experienced what I've experienced. This is a no go for me in that, dude needs to choose her or you. Otherwise you will be waiting for something to happen, you won't be able to be fully relax and enjoy your relationship. What happens if you and him have an argument? Is he go to run and talk to her about it? She'll bide her time. She wasn't sending all those things and helping him out for nothing.
 
Last edited:
Spongebob said:
I personally would not permit my husband/bf/so to have friendships with women, without experiencing what you have in the past. It's common knowledge that these things can happen and prevention is better than cure. I don't think it is unreasonable that you feel uncomfortable and fear of this happening to you again is not insecurities, it's a risk and it can happen again
Click to expand...
Spongebob But the friend was around before OP. I wouldn't be bothered. I understand what you mean about cultivating new friendships though, no permitted in the least.
 
I wouldnt b comf either. I would always wonder abt the true nature of his connections to them.

If u stay, notice how he is and how she is reactg toward u when the three of u are together. At some point i would need to experience their dynamic in person.
 
It doesn't matter who was there first, you can't have three people in a relationship. If he wants to be serious with you, she has to go. I can guarantee he wouldn't like it if you had a guy friend who liked you and was in constant contact with you while he's away. I'd bump him back down to the friend zone.
 
Last edited:
FoxxyLocs said:
It didn't matter who was there first, you can't have three people in a relationship. If he wants to be serious with you, she has to go. I can guarantee he wouldn't like it if you had a guy friend who liked you and was in constant contact with you while he's away. I'd bump him back down to the friend zone.
Click to expand...

Agreed. I might not say anything right now BC their relationship is new. But I'd be watching and taking note. And if we started to get more serious, that relationship would have to get bumped down. But I'd give him a chance to make that separation on his own.
 
Flawed2Perfection said:
he's coming home from military duty Friday and the funeral is Saturday..
Click to expand...

that is doing the most. has he come from military duty for your birthday, valentine's day, or any other "significant" relationship "holiday" important to you?

I have to be number one at all times with no questions at all.

You have a right to be uncomfortable AND break if off until he stops ego tripping by being a "friend" to a woman who "wants" him.
 
Nope, you are right. Not to mention, he knows she likes him, he allows her to help him financially etc, something not right with that.
 
ThickHair said:
@Spongebob But the friend was around before OP. I wouldn't be bothered. I understand what you mean about cultivating new friendships though, no permitted in the least.
Click to expand...

Agreed. But I know from other threads that my feelings about man-female friendships are different from a lot of folks on the board.

However, I can definitely understand OP's discomfort given that she knows she has feelings for him.
 
Why is he accepting any kind of assistance from someone he knows has feelings for him yet he has no feelings for?

I say run out of this relationship before you limp out with lots of hurt feelings and a possible empty wallet.
 
i would be willing to bet stuff is being left out of this story because a guy who is comfortable telling you he has a woman friend who "helps him out financially" is HIGHLY likely to be a straight up dog. not accusing the op or demanding she explain more but thats my read on it.
 
I would be very uncomfortable knowing that she likes and financially supported him at a point. He doesn't necessarily have to drop her, but set up clear boundaries with her.
 
Iwanthealthyhair67 said:
Why is he accepting any kind of assistance from someone he knows has feelings for him yet he has no feelings for?

I say run out of this relationship before you limp out with lots of hurt feelings and a possible empty wallet.
Click to expand...

This is very telling about his character, too, IMO.
 
pearcey said:
that is doing the most. has he come from military duty for your birthday, valentine's day, or any other "significant" relationship "holiday" important to you? I have to be number one at all times with no questions at all. You have a right to be uncomfortable AND break if off until he stops ego tripping by being a "friend" to a woman who "wants" him.
Click to expand...

He was originally coming home anyway the funeral just happened to fall on the day after he got back! He can't really delegate how he's going to move around right now, the military does while he's in training. My birthday is in 2 weeks and he's taking me on a vacation to Flordia to celebrate.
 
THANKS IS NOT ENOUGH!!!!:yep::yep::yep::yep:


ole girl was sending him money and helping him out financially...ummm just a friend yeah ok!!!!:nono:




SmileyNY said:
I'm not sure how most people do things, but I would not put up with my man continuing to be friends with someone who openly liked him.

I also wouldn't put up with a guy with a bunch of female friends period. I just feel that there's something untrustworthy about the type of guy that keeps a bunch of female "friends."

The reason I feel this way is because, and many of you can probably relate to this... I've never had a straight male friend who I felt wouldn't take it to the next level with me if he had the chance. I believe most male friends like and are attracted to the women they choose to have friendships with on a certain level.
Click to expand...
 
I hate these situations :lol: this is tooooo high risk.

I agree with all the responses. I have a whole different issue with men accepting financial assistance from women (who arent relatives) but that is a different topic :look:

Even if he can be trusted she helped him out financially and expressed her feelings yet he wasn't feeling her. She will eventually turn on him and be a problem for you.
 
bunnycolvin said:
i would be willing to bet stuff is being left out of this story because a guy who is comfortable telling you he has a woman friend who "helps him out financially" is HIGHLY likely to be a straight up dog. not accusing the op or demanding she explain more but thats my read on it.
Click to expand...

Hmm we tell each other almost everything. I asked and he told me, but he also said he's told her at least 10 times that they couldn't go to that level and now he's in a relationship. She told him she understood and stoping bringing it up/wanting to be with him when we first staring dating.
 
Flawed2Perfection said:
Hmm we tell each other almost everything. I asked and he told me, but he also said he's told her at least 10 times that they couldn't go to that level and now he's in a relationship. She told him she understood and stoping bringing it up/wanting to be with him when we first staring dating.
Click to expand...
:huh: how do you know anyone is telling you everything?

just keep your eyes open.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

SoopremeBeing
Is this a situation in which I need to "charge it to the game?"
Replies
23
Views
964
lollikd
lollikd
B
What would you do? He wants to wait on marriage...
Replies
12
Views
244
BroadstreetBully
B
BronzyBella
Do I have the right to feel hurt?
2 3
Replies
68
Views
2K
KPH
KPH
phynestone
I feel uncomfortable now...
Replies
4
Views
195
Keen
Keen
Fine 4s
What to do when your SO's friend makes you uncomfortable?
Replies
13
Views
346
gabulldawg
gabulldawg
Back
Top