Divorced for almost 5 yrs and still single!!!!!!!

[Trinity1]

Hey Ladies,

I really want to take this opportunity to vent a little bit. My ex husband and I have a beautiful child together who we love dearly. He is a terrific father and very much involved in our lives. I made the mistake leaving him while pregnant because I was convinced that we were not right for each other. He was a great husband and did everything for me but I was not happy with myself and therefore could not fully give to him. Anyway 4-5 years later he has been in a relationship on and off with a woman for about the entire time we've been divorced. My ex and I share things sometimes and when they break up he comes to me to talk,however,when they are together all of a sudden I strictly become the ex wife and we'll only relate to each other about our child and thats it. Well I just bought a house and am feeling good because I am successfully taking care of my child as a single mom and I'm pretty successful in my job. His dad does give us financial support but primarily I do all the work (physical). Anyway I'm getting to a point where I'm starting to wonder why am I still single? It seems like everyone around me finds their significant other except for me. Men are attracted to me,I'm young and very independent and successful.Most of the men that are attracted to me fit under 3 categories: married,has a girlfriend,or not a good candidate. I admit I dont go out much because I've basically been working and caring for my child,but he'll be 5 this year and doing lots of things with his dad and I dont want to be sittin' home doing nothing. I know this lady whom I really respect,she is also a single mom. Her son is now 15 and she has been single since he was born. She is now in her fourties and has pretty much given up on meeting someone.Sometimes I fear that the same thing will happen to me. I know that you cant rush the Lord and maybe he doesnt see fit for me to have another mate,maybe I'm destined to be single,I dont know. Whatever the Lord desires for me will be alright with me. I just feel like sometimes I need support during these times when I get lonely.


Tee

 

[keylargo]

Tee, my heart goes out to you. i know what it's like to feel lonely and wonder if you will ever meet the right one. i'm in that boat now. i've had to do a lot of soul searchin to figure out if it's me that's keeping me single or not. i like to think that i am responsible for most everything that happens in my life.

do you still have feelings for your ex-husband? do you think that you still may have some emotional attachment to him that may be keeping you from being open to others? that could be the problem.

my problem was that i was "afraid of men" so to speak. afraid that they were all dogs and out to use me. i would only talk to a guy if he chased after me. for some reason, i never wanted to let a guy know that i liked him until i was sure that he liked me. now i'm working on being more outgoing and open to guys that don't necessarily chase me down. i'm forcing myself to be friendlier and, to make small talk with guys that i don't know. this may not be your problem but it's been my downfall.

 

[Cami]

Hey Tee, it's okay to be single. Actually, I admire you for doing this for that long because I've always had the problem of feeling that I always needed a man in my life to feel whole. It's sad to say, but I've never been by myself for any longer than a month at a time! Eventually, you will meet someone that will be worth while and not settle for all those knuckle heads out there! Do you still have feelings for your ex-hubby, or can you really have a platonic relationship only about your child? Just try to avoid becoming the "rebound", you know. Where do you go to try to meet guys?

 

[pebbles]

Hi Tee Tee,

I understand how you feel, believe me. God will move on your behalf in His own time. In the meantime, try to enjoy the time you have to yourself. One woman's destiny doesn't have to be yours too, you know?

I know after 5 years it can seem like a long time, but I say it's best to wait for the right one to come your way.

I'm a single mom of 2 boys and have been living the celibate life now for nearly 5 years also. I was married to their father in '91 and left him shortly before discovering I was pregnant with my second son.(23 months) I stayed single for 4 years and remarried again in '98, but that didn't work out well for my kids at all. They came out of that whole situation a bit traumatized.

I have decided to stay single and uninvolved in a relationship until my boys are much older. They are now 9 and 10 years old. They need my undivided attention and I have vowed to dedicate my life to seeing that their needs, both physical and psychological, are met.

I say the same as you; whatever the Lord desires for me is fine by me, and I will accept it. Truth be told, I'm really happy being uninvolved in a relationship right now. I have enough to deal with and I can't handle much more.

Don't be discouraged. The right one for you will come; believe that!

 

[Sky]

Tee,

My best friend is in the exact same situation as you. There is nothing "wrong" with you. Although I dont know you I would say to do some soul searching, work on yourself to be the type of person you would like to attract. Fall in love with yourself and make sure you have no hidden motives for you and your ex to get back together ( in my best friends case she really wants to be back with her ex and so she finds things wrong with the men she meets).

Are you *sure* you are ready to be with someone? What patterns do you see that came up within YOU in your last relationships? Have you read "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant? Are you real clear about the type of relationship you want? What is different about you now as opposed to when you said you were dealing with issues within yourself?

These are all rhetorical questions - not meant for you to answer on the board but just something to think about. I was single for about a year and wondered why . Then I did work on myself and the right man came a long because I was ready. The book " The lady, her lover and the Lord " by TD Jakes was also a tremendous help.

Good luck.

 

[marabou1]

Tee tee:

Don't worry! The Lord never forgets us!

The only advice I can give you comes from my own experience.

I really hope that you are not allowing your ex. to hold you back. You mentioned that the only time he treats you like the ex. is when he is seeing someone. You may be allowing him to stay attached to you somehow without even realizing it.

I kept telling everyone how I could not understand how it seemed that God was not answering my prayers. Everyone else kept meeting people and getting married. It wasn't till a few weeks ago that it dawned on me that God was probably trying his very best, but I was wasting his time by asking him to send someone in my life, while I was too busy not getting over my ex. boyfriend. I would keep going back to him. Having on and off relationships with him. I just officially put an end to the craziness a few weeks ago.

It's very difficult for me, but I don't even answer his calls anymore. He was a very nice man, and I hate to end it this way, but I realized it was the only way to do it. As much as he kept insisting that he loved me, the fact was, he didn't want to get married.

If this is the case with you, pray to God and ask him to help you on getting over the ex. and then pray for someone new to enter your life.

 

[Trinity1]

Hi Everyone,

I just want to thank all of you for your wonderful support. Its so nice to have people care enough about your situation to ellaborate on it and offer kind words. I do need to pray on getting over my ex husband. He makes it hard everytime he feels he needs me he calls me and wants to talk but I make it hard because I fall for it everytime. What I'm going through now is bitterness. I feel bitter because he has,at times,put ideas in my mind that we can "talk" about us but then when he and his girlfriend work things out he doesnt even clue me in. I think he should at least call me and say "listen, me and her decided to work things out" but he doesnt, and he says nothing and never acknowledges our discussion about us. We both just act like the conversation didnt happen. This is a pattern that has been carrying on for 5 years....uggh!!! I'm tired of it but I blame myself for not moving on and allowing him to lean on me temporarily. I feel today I see things clearly and the next time he comes to me to cry about her I will kindly say "I'm sorry you are dealing with something but thats between you and her" I no longer want to enable him to come to me only when he needs to. I need to move on.

Also another issue I want to share.I'm really going to spill out some personal things now and hopefully I wont loose the respect of the wonderful ladies on this board. I consider myself a very strong woman and I have a respectable fear of God,however,it doesnt always protect me from human frailties and I made and continue to make the mistake of being involved with someone who is married. Ofcourse this plays a major part in my single status but most importantly its a barrier between me and God. I sin,I ask for forgiveness,he forgives me and then I do it again and so the cycle goes on and on. I cant seem to break it and me and this man work together and have come to depend on eachother greatly emotionally which is bad,bad,bad. I am continuing to seek the Lords help on this issue,so you see I have two things going on and going against me. Has anyone else ever been in this predicament? if so,how did you stop the cycle? We work together so I see him almost daily,its really hard. The sexual part hasnt happened in over a year but the emotional part is the hardest to pull away from.


Tee

 

[pebbles]

Tee Tee,

Listen sweetie, we all make mistakes. For the record, I don't think any less of you because of what you've said here.

Many women have found themselves in predicaments that were less than favorable. I have the utmost respect for you and any other woman facing these difficult situations. Our job is to uplift and support each other, not criticize and put each other down.

It's excellent that you have decided to tell your ex to handle his business and leave you out of it. Good for you.

Don't allow him to string you along emotionally when he needs it. That's not fair. You should be able to move forward without him holding you back. Reconcile yourself with the fact that it's over between the two of you. He has his life to live and you have yours. The past is the past and whatever went wrong is done with.

As for the married man you're involved with, untangle yourself from this situation as fast as you can. This is another man who is not being fair to you. If he is having difficulty with his wife and the marriage is breaking up, let them break up first so that he can be free to come to you. This man is enjoying the best of both worlds at your expense. If he really cares for you, he will understand that keeping you tied to him in an emotional relationship is unfair to you and he should set you free.

You deserve to have a man who is yours and is devoted to you as he is to his wife. For all of his playing around, he's still going home to her every night. Let him go, in your heart and in your mind. I know it's hard, but it's the right thing to do. I've been there. Not only did this man not tell me he was married, he also failed to tell me that his wife was expecting.

I thank God I found out before we got physical. Pray to God for guidance and support and convince yourself that you deserve to be number 1 and don't settle for anything less.

 

[butterfly7]

First, let me say that you are on the right track by seeking God. He hears you and He loves you and He does answer prayer. Sometimes, though, God wants us to move. He wants us to take the first step. You have just got to make up in your mind that it is over, with the ex-husband and with the married man. What do you have to lose? It's quite possible that even if this man does leave his wife (I don't know if you guys have discussed that), that things between the two of you won't happen anyway. Apparently you are a very sweet, loving, giving person because these men are using you for a crutch. Don't let them! What about you? What about your needs? You need someone who is going to be there for you in the way that you need them to. My son's father does the same thing, or should I say he used to. Whenever he and his girlfriend would have a fight, he would call me and tell me how much better I was for him and how he wishes we would have stayed together. He would say he was going to get rid of her so that he could work on getting me back and all sorts of things. I would fall for it and then he would disappear and I wouldn't hear from him for weeks, until they had their next fight. Finally, I told him that I did not care about the things they were going through and therefore I no longer wanted to hear about them. He called a few more times, but finally he got the message. I had to make him believe me though. I couldn't be nice about it. That is what you are going to have to do. And as far as the married man is concerned, I believe that you know you are better and deserve better, but being without him is not going to be as bad as you think it will. Sure, it's scary at first to think about losing that emotional contact, but you will get over it. Think about other possibilities. Step out on faith. Just do it girl, cut him loose. We have ALL had to do that before. There is someone better for you. Remember, what God has in store for you is so great, you can't even imagine it.

 

[Trinity1]

Pebbles and Butterfly,

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I am definitely seeking the Lords instruction on how to move on and I feel confident that it will happen soon. As I've said before the physical part of my relationship with the married man has ceased over a year ago but the emotional part lags on. Through the Lord I can accomplish anything though.He is the only man I'm focusing on.


Tee