Dilemma Male married friend cheating

[tiara76]

My homegirl has a close male friend who recently got married and she became close to his wife and they just had a baby three weeks ago...she found out on that same day that he has been cheating with the mother of his first child for over a year.....the mother of his first child recently got divorced and they started seeing each other shortly after, and his wife is a sweetheart.

So her dilemma is now she knows what does she do because last week she was helping her with the baby and the wife cried to her about how she suspects he's cheating with his daughters mom...she tried to "urge" her to confront or look for info to confirm but the wife is non confrontational and not sure how to approach him because she has no groundbreaking proof but my girl knows the truth and feels its not her place to just spill this info...she was friends with the male before the wife so now she isn't sure what to do....

 

[SvelteVelvet]

If she thinks its hard knowing tell her to put herself in the wifes shoes of suspecting but not knowing. If she can't deal then perhaps she should separate herself from the situation. I do think its unfair for the male friend to have her in the middle and being that she was approached by the wife she needs to sit her male friend down and say 'looky here nicca, you need to handle your business with your wife because she's coming to me...'. She shouldn't let him off the hook, he needs to be dragged in because its his mess to begin with. Maybe having a conversation with him will make her feel better, but after that she needs to separate herself from both of them and let things fall where they fall. JMHO

 

[tiara76]

well she does know first hand what shes goin thru which is why she's bothered so much...however at this point her male friend doesnt know that she knows...she just found out from her cousin who happens to be friends with the mother of his first kid

she thought about just tellin him and lettin him know shes knows and how she feels but she fears in the end it will come out to the wife that she knew and didnt say n e thing when the wife was crying about her suspicions and she thought about tellin her but doesn't want to lose him as a friend

she does feel separating herself from the situation at this point is probably best and just stay out of it..., however they are her children's Godparents and close to the father of her children as well

 

[ThickHair]

She needs to stay out it. It will only be messy. I know her heart is telling her to spill the beans but for her sanity she needs keep quite.

ETA: My BFF knows her husband cheats but she wants us all to call her if we catch him with the other women. My questions is why. Some women know their husband's cheats but yet they stay with them. That is why I choose to mind my own business. What would she get out of it if I told her????? I have personally seen the husband with the other woman once and other's have seen him as well. She has flipped out on him, threatened with divorce, taken the kids for a weekend but she still goes home to him, has sex with him and do all the other wifely duties. Who am I to put him on blast?

 

[Shonni]

She should definitely stay out of it, what ever the husband is doing will in fact come to light. With a married couple it's best to let them handle there marriage and not become involved. It can become a big mess and the blame could possibly be blamed on your friend, believe it or not that is how it ends up at times.

 

[freshlikemoi]

DANG! Idk, if I were the wife, I would want to know. BUt I am also no fool. I trustssssss my gutsssss. If I suspect he is cheating, (sometimes I get a little crazy) but for the most part if that is what my intuition is telling me then, I would trust it. I don't need a friend to tell me what I already know.

---However, I would tell the wife. Don't call yourself a friend, when you're just a part-time acquintance. Don't have my baby all up in your arms, changing diapers and ish, and you can't tell me my husband is cheat??? The best thing is to just stop speaking to me, if you feel that you want to keep that a secret.

 

[LaShanne]

It was only after I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me that my "so-called" friend came clean about what she knew. She said she didnt want to get involved (advice fm her husband) and figured the truth would eventually come to light. In the meantime, I'm lookin like boo-boo the fool, thinking my marriage was good, and SHE KNEW WHAT WAS REAL!!! Needless to say, I dont speak to her anymore.

The Lord is still working on me in this area.....


She should tell her. At the very least, encourage her to trust her instincts and lead her to the truth.

 

[weaveologist]

I was put in this position some time ago. I was friends with the wife but during our friendship became friends with the husband, they're shared friends, etc., etc....So one day she calls me and tells me how she thinks her husband is cheating. I tell her she is just tripping and to first give him the benefit of the doubt. They were like my married couple idols so I couldn't see it happening. So one day we're all out at a gathering but the wife (my intial friend) isn't there because at the time she was nine months preggo. The husband didn't think I was coming because I usually don't come out if the wife isn't there. Anyway, so the mistress, who is associates with the wife, comes to the gathering. I catch them in a dark corner way too close for comfort. Then someone else saw him tounge kissing this woman outside. Then friends of the married couple start to come up to me saying how happy they were that I was there to see it because "somebody needs to tell her". I guess that was suppose to be me since I was the closest to her.

So I had an ethical decision to make. See? In situations like these your morals are having a battle with one another. Do you tell or stay out of thier business? There is always a possibility of it back firing because she could very well stay with her husband and where does that leave you when you're friends with both?

So how I handled it was simply asking myself, "What would I want my friend to do if it were my husband?". Friends, REAL FRIENDS, have a certain obligation to live up to, and when you don't, you're foul. In addition, you reap what you sow. I felt some kinda way about continuing to hang with the both of them, listening to her cry about his suspected cheating, all while knowing exactly what's going on. It could either go one way or the other; you tell her and **** goes wrong or you don't tell her and when she finds out you knew, **** still goes wrong. So I told her. It kinda got muddy because the husband from then on tried to say that I was trying to break up thier marriage, that I was lying, and that I just wanted her to be single like me. How I handled that was by sending a lengthy email to both parties stating that I simply was playing the friend role, I would want her to do the same, and I wouldn't dare tell her to leave him because I am not prepared to pay her bills. They got back together and now (a year later) we all can hang together because the husband knew he was wrong.

Sorry for going into this long spill but I hope this story helps your friend decide what to do. Do onto others as you would have them do unto you...Period.

 

[MizzBrown]

DANG! Idk, if I were the wife, I would want to know. BUt I am also no fool. I trustssssss my gutsssss. If I suspect he is cheating, (sometimes I get a little crazy) but for the most part if that is what my intuition is telling me then, I would trust it. I don't need a friend to tell me what I already know.

---However, I would tell the wife. Don't call yourself a friend, when you're just a part-time acquintance. Don't have my baby all up in your arms, changing diapers and ish, and you can't tell me my husband is cheat??? The best thing is to just stop speaking to me, if you feel that you want to keep that a secret.

That's what i'm talking bout! People have a really messed up view of what a friend is. You aint my friend if you can do all that...Eat in my house, hold my baby, borrow my clothes, talk to me everday but yet keep that secret.

I'd fight somebody over that. You guilty by association.....Don't assume that she knows.

You don't have a problem telling her that her breath stinks or she needs to do something with her hair or any other gossip on the street but you can't tell her that her husband could be putting her health at risk every night she lays down with him!!

That means you just as foul. No friend of mine....Ylla should stick an anonymous letter in her mailbox if yall feel like u cant tell her. BUT someone needs to tell her.

 

[weaveologist]

That's what i'm talking bout! People have a really messed up view of what a friend is. You aint my friend if you can do all that...Eat in my house, hold my baby, borrow my clothes, talk to me everday but yet keep that secret.

I'd fight somebody over that. You guilty by association.....Don't assume that she knows.

You don't have a problem telling her that her breath stinks or she needs to do something with her hair or any other gossip on the street but you can't tell her that her husband could be putting her health at risk every night she lays down with him!!

That means you just as foul. No friend of mine....Ylla should stick an anonymous letter in her mailbox if yall feel like u cant tell her. BUT someone needs to tell her.

That's the problem right there!

 

[MizzBrown]

That's the problem right there!

Thank you! That's why my rolodex is so small now. People should just use the word "acquaintance" cause that's what you are.

I got a lot of acquaintances. I can count how many friends i have on one hand. I use that term very loosely and you will know your rank based on how much I really let you know about me.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Damn

I think she should try one more time to tell the wife to confront the male friend. Drop some strong indirect clues. Then walk away from the situation

Whether the wife finds out the whole truth or not, she'll still suspect him to be cheating and will probably start suspecting her.

 

[tiara76]

well thats what we talked about....shes only been around them once since she found out and she tried to urge her friend to follow her gut about what she feels, be nosy, ask, get in both their faces...she definitely didn't try to ease her mind and pretend like it was probably all good, she told her if her intuition is tellin her he's out there then he probably is and she needs to take initiative to get to the bottom of it and not just take this sort of treatment.... I also think if a brand new baby weren't involved it also wouldn't be so hard to figure out.

I totally agree on the what would you want somebody to do and me personally being the person I am I would definitely want to be told and could handle it regardless of the situation and Im sure if it was me she wouldn't hesitate to tell me what she knew....however its easy to say that when you think of the other person as YOURSELF and what you would do, how you would react and how you would feel...when you think of the other person as WHO THEY ARE from what you know.....thats a whole different story because stuff you can handle is the same stuff that can make the next person be on the verge of suicide and when one decides to make the choice to be the person who interferes in a relationship there are definitely consequences that will fall back on you for your feeling of "obligation" to somebody else

This is one of those situations where I can talk about it with her but I won't put myself in a position to tell her what she should do about it because I see it from all angles and I understand how she's feeling so I can't say what is the "right" thing to do and what is "wrong"... Because no matter how she decides to handle it, however it all goes down if she steps in and takes it upon herself to play the person who now has the power to change three other people's lives drastically then she's will have to be the one to take on whatever comes back at her and if she decides to keep quiet then her own inner struggle is gonna suck as well.

Although in my personal opinion of what she told me I think the situation is already boiling and on the verge of eruption unless the wife really chooses to not "see" the obvious because she "knows" and my friend told her this as well but shes choosing not to "act" on what she knows

 

[PrettyBrownEyes]

Well, if I read it right it sounds like your friend was friends with the husband first so she should tell him that she knows what's up, his wife has a suspicion and he needs to get his stuff together.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I don't get the jist of saying friend and then not telling... to me that does not sound like friend status....

 

[tiara76]

I don't get the jist of saying friend and then not telling... to me that does not sound like friend status....

thats all in perspective to each persons definition....she knew the guy way longer and the wife only when they got together, so shes "close" to the wife, not BFF status, didnt grow up with her, doesn't hang out with her on a daily basis or talk to her all day every day but shes real cool with her and regardless doesn't feel she deserves to be treated that way and in her eyes considers her to be a friend as well as the husband...

everything is always easier said than done in life and at this point her issue is

Is she out of line to interfere?
or
Is interfering the right thing to do?

she's tried to get the wife to act on what she knows and the wife at this point wont...so is it up to her to step in and act for her?....thats hard to say if thats the right thing to for this woman in this particular situation because she doesn't condone his behavior in the least and she doesn't want to confront him because she knows hes gonna want to put her in the position of "mind your business" n e ways and there is no way shes gonna be able to be around them and act like nothing is wrong, which again is why she kept urging the wife to stop "speculating" on her feelings and stand up for herself and stop taking this treatment from him and confront him because its obvious that is whats goin on, without her having to say n e thing

 

[*5+5]

If I was her I would stay the hell out of it...I mean who does her loyalty lie with anyways, isn't the husband her friend also? These dilemmas always turn out bad for the messenger.

My close male friend from high school is getting married in a few months and he is always pushin' for his fiance and I to be closer. I'm like no way b/c I know he's a cheater and I would never want to be in that situation.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Yea to me that sounds like associate status.... A lot of peps say things are easier said than done, but quite honestly... If this was a "friend", someone I speak to, shared personal stuff with, cried with, etc etc... I would tell her, of course in the best way, but telling would be done....

After re-reading the bold several times... I believe that the ONLY thing for her to do is fall back and play her position... If she doesnt feel like the girl is her friend (ie read above) enough to tell, what else is there.... this is not her relationship...

If she is concerned about losing friendships, ummm, it may bite he rin the butt either way...

- not telling and girl finds out : end of friendship with girl...
- telling : girlfriend may end realtionship on sheer fact that she KNOW and didnt tell from JUMP... erplexed...

JMHO

thats all in perspective to each persons definition....she knew the guy way longer and the wife only when they got together, so shes "close" to the wife, not BFF status, didnt grow up with her, doesn't hang out with her on a daily basis or talk to her all day every day but shes real cool with her and regardless doesn't feel she deserves to be treated that way and in her eyes considers her to be a friend as well as the husband...

everything is always easier said than done in life and at this point her issue is

Is she out of line to interfere?
or
Is interfering the right thing to do?

she's tried to get the wife to act on what she knows and the wife at this point wont...so is it up to her to step in and act for her?....thats hard to say if thats the right thing to for this woman in this particular situation because she doesn't condone his behavior in the least and she doesn't want to confront him because she knows hes gonna want to put her in the position of "mind your business" n e ways and there is no way shes gonna be able to be around them and act like nothing is wrong, which again is why she kept urging the wife to stop "speculating" on her feelings and stand up for herself and stop taking this treatment from him and confront him because its obvious that is whats goin on, without her having to say n e thing

 

[weaveologist]

Yea to me that sounds like associate status.... A lot of peps say things are easier said than done, but quite honestly... If this was a "friend", someone I speak to, shared personal stuff with, cried with, etc etc... I would tell her, of course in the best way, but telling would be done....

After re-reading the bold several times... I believe that the ONLY thing for her to do is fall back and play her position... If she doesnt feel like the girl is her friend (ie read above) enough to tell, what else is there.... this is not her relationship...

If she is concerned about losing friendships, ummm, it may bite he rin the butt either way...

- not telling and girl finds out : end of friendship with girl...
- telling : girlfriend may end realtionship on sheer fact that she KNOW and didnt tell from JUMP... erplexed...

JMHO

Either way you are screwed. Damned if you do and damned if don't. Being in this position is VERY hard.

 

[tiara76]

Yea to me that sounds like associate status.... A lot of peps say things are easier said than done, but quite honestly... If this was a "friend", someone I speak to, shared personal stuff with, cried with, etc etc... I would tell her, of course in the best way, but telling would be done....

After re-reading the bold several times... I believe that the ONLY thing for her to do is fall back and play her position... If she doesnt feel like the girl is her friend (ie read above) enough to tell, what else is there.... this is not her relationship...

If she is concerned about losing friendships, ummm, it may bite he rin the butt either way...

- not telling and girl finds out : end of friendship with girl...
- telling : girlfriend may end realtionship on sheer fact that she KNOW and didnt tell from JUMP... erplexed...

JMHO

exactly it seems all the way around if she interferes one way or the other its gonna come back on her

if she doesnt she can't pretend to act like everything is hokey dorey when its not and hold this in her heart and act like shes not tearing up inside

 

[foxxymami]

Maybe she should stop hanging around the wife until things come into the light (this is only IF she decides not to say anything)

Because Idk,......for me I would have to either say something OR I would have to fall back and not be around her (or them) so much because it would break my heart constantly being around her (or them) pretending everything is alright but really knowing the truth that her husband is stepping out on her....I would feel like a fraud or something.

 

[tiara76]

Maybe she should stop hanging around the wife until things come into the light (this is only IF she decides not to say anything)

Because Idk,......for me I would have to either say something OR I would have to fall back and not be around her (or them) so much because it would break my heart constantly being around her (or them) pretending everything is alright but really knowing the truth that her husband is stepping out on her....I would feel like a fraud or something.

thats what shes doing now...because she can't be around her and pretend everything is all good and shes only been around her once since she found out and that one time is when she tried to urge her to follow her suspicions because if it looks and feels like hes out there than he probably is and u have to confront him or both of them.....and the wife doesn't want to

 

[DivaD04]

My homegirl has a close male friend who recently got married and she became close to his wife and they just had a baby three weeks ago...she found out on that same day that he has been cheating with the mother of his first child for over a year.....the mother of his first child recently got divorced and they started seeing each other shortly after, and his wife is a sweetheart.

So her dilemma is now she knows what does she do because last week she was helping her with the baby and the wife cried to her about how she suspects he's cheating with his daughters mom...she tried to "urge" her to confront or look for info to confirm but the wife is non confrontational and not sure how to approach him because she has no groundbreaking proof but my girl knows the truth and feels its not her place to just spill this info...she was friends with the male before the wife so now she isn't sure what to do....

sounds just like why did i get married

 

[DivaD04]

thats what shes doing now...because she can't be around her and pretend everything is all good and shes only been around her once since she found out and that one time is when she tried to urge her to follow her suspicions because if it looks and feels like hes out there than he probably is and u have to confront him or both of them.....and the wife doesn't want to

i think she should confront the hubby! she married him and that's where her commitment lie. by not speaking on the issue will only hender her and the family in the long run. i'd rather get dirty laundry clean, than to let it sit and stay funky....

 

[amara11]

DANG! Idk, if I were the wife, I would want to know. BUt I am also no fool. I trustssssss my gutsssss. If I suspect he is cheating, (sometimes I get a little crazy) but for the most part if that is what my intuition is telling me then, I would trust it. I don't need a friend to tell me what I already know.

---However, I would tell the wife. Don't call yourself a friend, when you're just a part-time acquintance. Don't have my baby all up in your arms, changing diapers and ish, and you can't tell me my husband is cheat??? The best thing is to just stop speaking to me, if you feel that you want to keep that a secret.

I agree a lot of women play the "I wouldn't tell, I don't want to be in the middle of drama, don't want to get caught up in their business" but those women likely aren't real friends of the woman who's being cheated on... prolly just associates or comfy acquaintances. A real friend who let her friend know what she knows and how she knows it and let the friend decide what to do from them. It hurts, it puts you in a bad situation, but that's what 'friendship' is about. I would not be able to sleep at night if I knew the husband of a woman I considered a friend (and I don't use that term lightly) was cheating on her. I just couldn't.

 

[amara11]

That's what i'm talking bout! People have a really messed up view of what a friend is. You aint my friend if you can do all that...Eat in my house, hold my baby, borrow my clothes, talk to me everday but yet keep that secret.

I'd fight somebody over that. You guilty by association.....Don't assume that she knows.

You don't have a problem telling her that her breath stinks or she needs to do something with her hair or any other gossip on the street but you can't tell her that her husband could be putting her health at risk every night she lays down with him!!

That means you just as foul. No friend of mine....Ylla should stick an anonymous letter in her mailbox if yall feel like u cant tell her. BUT someone needs to tell her.

Aaaaamen.

 

[tiara76]

I agree a lot of women play the "I wouldn't tell, I don't want to be in the middle of drama, don't want to get caught up in their business" but those women likely aren't real friends of the woman who's being cheated on... prolly just associates or comfy acquaintances. A real friend who let her friend know what she knows and how she knows it and let the friend decide what to do from them. It hurts, it puts you in a bad situation, but that's what 'friendship' is about. I would not be able to sleep at night if I knew the husband of a woman I considered a friend (and I don't use that term lightly) was cheating on her. I just couldn't.

It would be easy if she wasn't friends first, good friends with the husband which is why its now a "dilemma"...we all like to throw in the word loyalty when it comes to our "friends"....so in this case who does the loyalty lie with? Him or her?

whose trust do you break if you choose to step in and interfere?
Is it your place to step in on either side?


If you had a good male friend who was cheating on his girl and you didnt know the girl or care for the girl would u go tell the girl he was cheating or keep your male friend confidence and let the situation play out how its gonna play out? If he was my real friend I think it would not be my place to tell his business...but if I happened to become friends or come to care about the girl or wife and knew he was cheating now there is a problem

so thats the situation she's in right now and once more I will say that she urged the girl to follow her instincts and confront him and his daughters mom and get to the bottom of it and the wife doesn't want to....so even tho she "feels" hes with her...

DOES SHE REALLY WANT TO KNOW? because deep down she knows whats goin on....and if my friend tells her and she doesn't believe her because all the husband has to do is tell her she's trippin and that her cousin is lying because it can easily just turn into a he say/she say sort of situation and just really make things messy and people get offended when somebody else jumps in thinking they are doing the "right" thing

 

[scorpio70]

When I read the OP, it seemed obvious to me that the wife knows what's up. Maybe she hasn't accepted it and therefore isn't willing to deal with it. But, the fact that she's vocalizing this suspicion is 85% of 'knowing'. I think she wants the friend to 'confirm' or 'deny' it for her...since she knows that the friend is/was tight with the hubby and might be privy to info that she isn't.

I would stay out of it completely. To the point of being a little distant with the friendship until everything is out in the open.

 

[tiara76]

When I read the OP, it seemed obvious to me that the wife knows what's up. Maybe she hasn't accepted it and therefore isn't willing to deal with it. But, the fact that she's vocalizing this suspicion is 85% of 'knowing'. I think she wants the friend to 'confirm' or 'deny' it for her...since she knows that the friend is/was tight with the hubby and might be privy to info that she isn't.

I would stay out of it completely. To the point of being a little distant with the friendship until everything is out in the open.

thats what it seems to me that the wife pretty much "knows" and my friend told her that if she feels that hes seeing her then he probably is and she needs to deal with it and stop pretending its not obvious something is going on. So she definitely isn't trying to make the wife think he ISN'T doing n e thing, shes trying to push her into seeing whats right in front of her eyes. And I don't think my friend saying n e thing will help because she looks past everything and he makes her feel like crap n e time she brings n e thing up so Im thinking that unless the wife gets some physical visual proof for herself even my friend tellin her what she "heard" won't make a difference and will at this point cause even more strain all around.

 

[scorpio70]

exactly! and i think that your friend telling her will not help her since she probably already knows. it'll just embarass her and force her to become alienated. she doesn't really want confirmation, she wants somebody to say, 'no, that's not what's going on.'