Did you forgive your cheating SO/DH?

Fine 4s

Fine 4s

Well-Known Member
Would you forgive? How would you know the cheater changed if you believe that people DO change.

From where I stand I can't say I could get back with someone, not because I wouldn't WANT to but because I wouldn't feel good about myself and I know I'd have trust issues for life :lachen:with them...

Please share *gulp*
 
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There are forums dedicated to recovering from an affair while deciding NOT to split up. That might help you more. THIS is not the place for such help.
 
Anyone that responds would be a sitting duck. You realize that right? There are a lot of outspoken judgmental personalities on this board and I can already see the names flying because someone chose to stay. I don't think it's worth posting it here.
 
I haven't had to deal with this thank goodness, but I can see why a woman would stay, depending on the circumstances. Before I got married I thought I would leave immediately, but now I'm not sure how I would react.
 
I'll bite....

@Fine 4s I haven't forgiven any of the past cheaters in my life, BUT there were much more detailed circumstances in regards to the breakup. It wasn't like, wham he cheated out of nowhere, there were major issues such as physical abuse and mental issues on the man's part.

My last relationship, I don't have hardcore evidence of "extra-relationship" sexual contact, but he did do something very STUPID that violated our relationship and ruined my trust for him. The only reason I am somewhat considering reconciliation is because it was an isolated incident and he seems genuinely(sp?) remorseful, where as the past guys just didn't give a crap about being caught.

I think it depends on the history of your relationship, how many times its happened, how he's treated you up until that point, and if he's really sorry and 100% willing to work things out. But If he's just a grade-A a$$hole, I recommend telling him to kick rocks.
 
I can forgive but I couldn't forget and move past enough where it wouldn't cause issues long term. To each their own.

I do believe people can change but they have to put in effort.
 
I don't have any reason to believe my husband has cheated. I can't say what I would do. I think that if he was willing to end the affair and show remorse for what he did I would forgive him. I would subject him to hell for a while. But I would hope that I would remember that he is just a human, like me. And we will all do something selfish and destructive if we live long enough.
 
i forgave, but he made it so hard to really get passed it and to rebuild trust. he wasn't remorseful at all. the cheating part wasn't what really messed me up. he kept going back to her, we all worked in the same building. i had to see her everyday. i was mad because i felt he was just being selfish. he was having this life outside of me and our children. i felt miserable and trapped. that whole ordeal sealed out fate. we aren't together anymore.
 
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not them. Much easier said than done.

I would never look at that person the same, so I'd have to end it.
 
I expect when you have built a family life together you might have to weigh things up more objectively than I would in this scenario. I'm not going to pretend to relate to that atm. Sometimes it must be best for the family to at least try to get past these things if it's possible for minor indiscretions.

As a single (non married) I'd forgive and move on with my life if there was any cheating for any reason. If I was married with a family then I'd definitely move on from a serial cheater. Minor indescretion with remorse, I don't know. I still think NO!. but I don't know what it's like to have to throw so much away over it.
 
The older I get, the more I realize that this scenario is one if those proverbial bridges that can't be crossed until you get there. I can't tell what I would do because I honestly don't know.
 
I think most women believe they would pack up and go but in reality a lot of women do stay with men who cheated. Oprah has a whole show dedicated to cheating spouses, I think it's called Stories of Betrayal. I've only seen one episode where the woman left and in one episode a man stayed with his wife who became pregnant by her lover. He adopted the child.

I have family members that left and ones that stayed. One told me she left because the other woman got pregnant. They were trying to work it out but having the wife and mistress pregnant at the same time was just too much. She left. Another stayed although he had two kids by the other woman. They had several kids of their own too.

More often than not kids are involved and I think that makes it harder to leave.
 
Here's my current story...

I thought I did. But forgiveness is a true test. Especially when it comes to cheating. I tried to live as a happy family being that I just had my first born son by the time I found out the truth. (I suspected something while pregnant, but he denied it initially). There was no physical intimacy involved according to her and him, but he was interested enough to drive 45 minutes to another city to see her a few times. I kept thinking about it, over and over again. It came to a point that every time I looked at my husband, I wanted to throw anything I could get my hands on at his head. I just became so angry at what he did. If he loved me so much as he is currently saying, how could he be so stupid? All the while I was at home pregnant.

I never put my hands on my husband, btw. I just thought about it.

I was angry. Angry that he cheated. He did it while I was pregnant. He also lied when I initially confronted him. Then at that time, he made it seem like I was just his crazy pregnant, insecure, and delusional wife.

I spoke to her and she told me the truth. He told me she was lying.

I asked "why would she lie to me? she doesn't know me".

He responded, "she's lying to get you to leave me, because she wants me. She has four kids, why would I want her?" He thought him saying this about her would make me believe him.

I tried to work on it, but I could not get what he did (and possibly have/would have done if opportunity allowed him) out of my head. So my 6 month old son and I are living two hours away in another city. In my state, you must be separated for one year in order to get your divorce granted eventually. He's telling me he wants to work on our family and how I shouldn't break it up and blah, blah, blah. However, I can not trust him. He was too selfish. He was willing risk putting me at risk of STDs and crazy women (I think there were others, but I don't have proof). Unsuspecting wives contract STD's and are attacked all the time because of selfish husbands who lie. I have gotten tested 3 times since I found out. As of now, I'm leaving my husband.

If trust can build again, I think it's okay to forgive. Not all marriages should work out like mine. I just can't trust him anymore, and I don't want to be thinking about every single thing he is doing while I'm not with him.
 
I forgave my ex for cheating on me with his ex. He actually did stop dealing with her for a while but then eventually stopped dealing with me also.

I can't say what I would do in the future but I will more than likely just leave because there won't ever be any children involved.
 
I would never stay married to someone who has cheated. A lot of the men in my family are cheaters though so I've seen a lot and I just know I couldn't do it. I told DH before we got married that cheating is one of my top deal breakers. I honestly believe that if a man has it in him to cheat once, he will do it again and I know I could never be happy having to constantly worry about when the next time will happen.
 
It is easy to say "no, I'm gone"...but there are a lot of women that stay. I'm almost always open to forgiveness and him earning my trust back..and I know that wouldnt be an easy process.

What I can't do is stay with someone who had a baby on me. That is an ultimate deal breaker.
 
Fine 4s said:
Vanthie- what do you consider a minor indiscretion?
Click to expand...

I don't consider anything minor when it comes to my life:ohwell:

Trying to think of it from a family point of view though. Errr, texting. Kissing/touching? Possibly 1x sex?:ohwell: With a voluntary confession.

Obviously there would have to be circumstances surrounding it. I have seen some guys/women slip after being denied affection for a long time at home in some way. Not just sexually, but emotionally too.

I can't relate at this point because I can't even imagine staying through a kiss. However, I see the point of staying and trying again if you are in a long marriage with kids depending on circumstance.
 
From where I stand today, I agree with a poster above that I do not know what I'd do although I'd like to believe that I can leave no question.

I say that because 1/ I know of people who were forgiven and learned 2/ I've cheated in my past and was forgiven and 3/ every situation is different and I'd have to see what my gut is telling me before leaving. For some, leaving could be about a bruised ego and well if you have something good at home, I wouldn't want my ego to rob me of a second chance.

IDK WWJD?? Lol



Appreciate all these honest responses!
 
Fine 4s said:
From where I stand today, I agree with a poster above that I do not know what I'd do although I'd like to believe that I can leave no question.

I say that because 1/ I know of people who were forgiven and learned 2/ I've cheated in my past and was forgiven and 3/ every situation is different and I'd have to see what my gut is telling me before leaving. For some, leaving could be about a bruised ego and well if you have something good at home, I wouldn't want my ego to rob me of a second chance.

IDK WWJD?? Lol

Appreciate all these honest responses!
Click to expand...

How can something be 'good at home' if they were cheating?
 
Ah, I expected that question.
But it's a matter of belief I guess but it's possible. Cheating happens for all sorts of reasons. But I also see where your coming from...
 
One thing that gets me the most about the forgiveness thing is if he is forgiven, how the hell do I know he wont do it again. I knew a man who spoke of his cheating past to a group of us...one thing he said was the first time he cheated, his wife forgave him, when the opportunity to cheat struck again, he pretty much felt she'd forgive him again...and she did. He proceeded to cheat on her throughout their 20 marriage. They eventually divorced.

I mean, if you cheat on me and I find out, I will constantly wonder if you cheated on me before with others NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, and of course if you would do it again, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.

I want to say that I would just leave, because forgiving is not half as hard as trusting again.
 
Once my trust is lost, my love would start to diminish too.

Out of fairness for both parties I would leave. If I stayed and tried to forgive him I gaurantee his life would be miserable. We'd both be miserable. I dislike when a woman forgives the man, or says she does and proceeds to treat the man like crap and hesitates in rebuilding the relationship. That's called wasted time. See, that would be me. Best for me to leave.
 
i think everything depends on the situation. People cheat for so many different reasons and for no reason at all, just because they can. but i dont believe that once a cheater always a cheater because i dont believe that once faithful always faithful. it would totally depend on how remorseful he was and we would HAVE to do some type of counseling. a lot of men i know have cheated and been forgiven while others have been let go. its totally different for every situation so i cant say if i would stay or go.
 
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