DH'S DUMB COMMENT (VENT)

[InJesusName]

Hi ladies, I had to come here to get some support from you since ya'll understand this hair journey. Today I took my husband out to lunch and he asked me what I was going to do with my quarterly bonus, and I told him I was going to do some Christmas shopping, but my gift to myself would be a custom lace wig. Why did I tell him that? He went on this whole tangent about how he's been worried about my growing hair obsession for the past few months and that I should not let my self esteem drop so low that I feel like I have to wear fake hair in order to be beautiful! I was like

I proceeded to tell him that my hair goals have nothing to do with low self esteem, and it is not an obsession, rather enlightenment about how to care for my hair to get it to grow. He then asked me how can I call this "thing" hair care since I never even keep my hair "done" anymore. This is two days after our "debate" about my consideration to go natural. First he asked me what my hair would look like "natural" and I mentioned the name of a church member who has beautiful, natural 4a hair, and he said her hair "very unattractive," and that the only time her hair looked good was during her wedding this summer when she got it pressed. He then said that he just thinks I would look better relaxed and he will be glad when I get over this hair thing.

Needless to say...lunch was cut short today. I was angry, but more hurt. I support him on everything he does, and I keep getting needless pushback from him. I finally decided today to keep my hair goals between LHCF members. I know you guys are in my corner .

I wonder what he is going to say in a couple of years when my hair is down my back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[DDTexlaxed]

Men really have no clue about haircare. They think all it takes to do our hair is to just brush it and a style will appear. We do understand what it takes and hang in there. Some men still have the tendency to view natural hair as unattractive. It is a mindset that many people share, but don't let him discourage you. It's your $ do what you want with it!

 

[Miss*Tress]

I mentioned the name of a church member who has beautiful, natural 4a hair, and he said her hair "very unattractive," and that the only time her hair looked good was during her wedding this summer when she got it pressed.

Wow, your husband sounds really old school. Don't stay mad at him, but keep doing what you're doing and maybe start leaving magazines open to the natural styles so he can get used to the concept. Looks like you'll have to transition him too. Good luck.

 

[UrbanHeiress]

I hid my instant weave from my SO for a week because I knew he wouldn't understand. I even find myself clicking off the website when
I hear him coming. I love him and all I'm just not interested in talking hair with him.

 

[chiprecious]

I agree girl, men just don't understand.

I SO doesn't want me with ANY fake hair. I could care less!!! I do make a huge effort to reduce the fake hair, but in the winter time, I bun to protect my ends.

And I was told the self esteem comment also. Sooo to avoid pissing myself off, I just don't share hair stuff with him. Its useless!

Men tend only to care about the end result...Long healthy hair to run their hands in.

That's why they are the simple sex.

 

[omnipadme]

It seems as if men that like natural hair and men that don't are totally different breeds. Hang in there with your hubby sweety. He'll come around when he notices all the good your "obsession" has been doing.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

To me he doens't sound like he isn't supporting you.

He just don't like the look of natural hair or the route that you may seem to be taking.

I don't know, nevermind, just thought I would offer two ends of a spectrum. It just seems that when people don't like what we do or how we do it, everyone seems to think they are unsupportive, when that's not the case, it's just their opinion. Almost like, when another person's opinions about hair aesthetic aren't your we automatically see it as 'unsupport.'

Where was I going with this? I have no clue. But I hope someone understands. I wouldn't be so hard on him. Men are visual creatures. Maybe he doesn't like the LOOK of the whole haircare/natural thing.

 

[shunta]

Girl, men are totally oblivious when it comes to things like that. I dont think he was trying to be mean or unsupportive, but he just doesnt have a clue. Like you said, when your hair is hanging down your back in a couple of years he wont be able to say ish!!

 

[KookieMunstah]

I wonder what he is going to say in a couple of years when my hair is down my back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He will probably say: "Baby... I uh....uh "

Your hair goals are most certainly attainable...Do ya Thang Mami...

 

[ms*x]

guuuuuurl, don't you know you can't share EVERYTHING with your man? hahahhahaaa!!!!
not to laugh at your situation at all, but i was/am going thru the same thing with my husband...but when i buy stuff, i put it on display...hell, he put that darned playstation 3 on display for me!!!! i'll never understand that, so...

girl ,buy your man some carol's daughter kizzy for his own doo and call it a wrap...

good luck!

 

[Synthia]

Well, here's the thing. Once you're committed and certain about something you want to do, you just have to do it no matter who disagrees.

I say that even though I understand where your husband is coming from and detest fake hair. I can't understand why someone (except for those on chemo) would put wigs or weaves on. I hate them.

I'm not certain why he doesn't like natural hair. But I guess anything nonmainstream is hard to adjust to.

And when he says you aren't doing your hair now?? What's that about? He doesn't like protective styles?? Well, I don't either.

Like I said, I know how men are about appearance and so I sympathize with him.

But the reality is it's your hair for you to do with it as you damn well please. I do think the husband should be considered since you reflect him and vice versa.

But, again, it's your hair so stick to your guns.

 

[Synthia]

Men tend only to care about the end result...Long healthy hair to run their hands in.

That's why they are the simple sex.

OMG!!

 

[JFemme]

guuuuuurl, don't you know you can't share EVERYTHING with your man? hahahhahaaa!!!!

I keeps mines outta my biz(hair and otherwise)

sorry, bout your DH's comment though, its certainly draining when you realize you are not being supported...

he will notice when you start looking fierce(long tresses down your back )...watch it.. men...

 

[Sha76]

I understand what you are going through.

but be patient.

I don't think that your DH is not being supportive or else he would be ragging on your hair like everyday.

Some people just have their tastes in what is attractive. As long as he loves you, he will learn to love your hair.

don't be mad at him. He probably responded that way because of the price more so than the wig itself.

 

[InJesusName]

Ya'll are funny! I am a newlywed, so I am learning some things are just better kept to myself.

I kinda see where he's coming from with the wig thing. I tend not to like OPH, but my hair is so damaged that I can't do much to it (my edges are non existent). He says he does not like any of my hairstyles now--Braids are ghetto, fake hair is low self esteem, natural is unattractive...

Yet he breaks his neck staring at women who have long hair (healthy or not).

The only way he likes my hair is relaxed bone straight and "done" all the time. Well getting it done weekly or sometimes twice a week left me with the head of hair I have now, and I am tired of having see through ends, bald edges, etc.

Like I said, I will vent to you guys and share my jorney with you. As for his antiquated idealisms...he can deal with that. It's my hair.

 

[CutiePie0Five]

Girlll, I know exactly what you mean. My sis went natural and did the BC and when my bf saw it, he was like I don't like it. I kew it meant that he didn't like her texture, cuz she had a lil afro. His mom is part Native American, and her hair is almost waist length, curly and beautiful.

So soon after my sis, he realized I was going natural too cuz I hadn't gotten a perm in forever. So, every so often he'll look at my hair and make comments like, "Babe, why don't you just get your hair done? It'll be easier for you." But I know it's for him cuz he prefers my hair out and straight, and not poofy and whatnot. But I just ignore him, because I love my curls, and I can't wait til my hair gets longer.

 

[belle_reveuse28]

He will probably say: "Baby... I uh....uh "

Your hair goals are most certainly attainable...Do ya Thang Mami...

OKay, I am weak at this!

My suggestion: I have none. I would just like to say ditto with the rest. I dont think your husband is being unsupportive, Im sure he would if he had the level of understanding that you do that is required to get your hair the way he would actually adore it but he's not schooled and seems unaware of this whole process, and like many men, would only appreciate the end result. Kinda like shaving, waxing, tweezing brows, and all the other things we do to keep them interested. I dont think they're intrested in the whole process, just the benefits of it which they find highly desirable. It may not be easy, and will probably take time until he comes around so just be careful in sharing if it's going to hurt your feelings. Even though he may not embrace this aspect right now, Im sure he would support you better only if he knew better. So give him grace, even when it hurts and even though he may not deserve it. (kinda like that whole unmerited favor and forgiveness God gives us freely ). As far as the money, well... I've been taught what's yours is mine and vice versa but whatever agreement you have between the two of you, then I would choose to honor that and keep my commitment there (if there is one). I think it's important that spouses agree as much as possible on financial matters. I say this in love... Be blessed!

 

[ms*x]

I kinda see where he's coming from with the wig thing. I tend not to like OPH, but my hair is so damaged that I can't do much to it (my edges are non existent). He says he does not like any of my hairstyles now--Braids are ghetto, fake hair is low self esteem, natural is unattractive...

Yet he breaks his neck staring at women who have long hair (healthy or not).

it's the "sausage factor" - they never wanna see what goes into how we got what we got, they just wanna see the end result.

 

[shani325]

I hid my instant weave from my SO for a week because I knew he wouldn't understand. I even find myself clicking off the website when
I hear him coming. I love him and all I'm just not interested in talking hair with him.

Wow same here, I have not told my BF about my instant weave he thinks its a sew-in, they really don't understand.

 

[CAPlush]

Hi ladies, I had to come here to get some support from you since ya'll understand this hair journey. Today I took my husband out to lunch and he asked me what I was going to do with my quarterly bonus, and I told him I was going to do some Christmas shopping, but my gift to myself would be a custom lace wig. Why did I tell him that? He went on this whole tangent about how he's been worried about my growing hair obsession for the past few months and that I should not let my self esteem drop so low that I feel like I have to wear fake hair in order to be beautiful! I was like

I proceeded to tell him that my hair goals have nothing to do with low self esteem, and it is not an obsession, rather enlightenment about how to care for my hair to get it to grow. He then asked me how can I call this "thing" hair care since I never even keep my hair "done" anymore. This is two days after our "debate" about my consideration to go natural. First he asked me what my hair would look like "natural" and I mentioned the name of a church member who has beautiful, natural 4a hair, and he said her hair "very unattractive," and that the only time her hair looked good was during her wedding this summer when she got it pressed. He then said that he just thinks I would look better relaxed and he will be glad when I get over this hair thing.

Needless to say...lunch was cut short today. I was angry, but more hurt. I support him on everything he does, and I keep getting needless pushback from him. I finally decided today to keep my hair goals between LHCF members. I know you guys are in my corner .

I wonder what he is going to say in a couple of years when my hair is down my back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, it sounds like he thinks you are beautiful just the way you are, so he is baffled as to why you might want to change. I've been natural twice, relaxed, and pressed all while I've been with the same man. He says I should get my hair to look like Beyonce's, so that's when I put his opinion in the "special" column. Trust me, he doesn't really understand and that's ok.

 

[Qetesh]

This is so funny because my man has expressed some issues with my hair obsession as well. he likes it natural and will tell me i should jus keep it that way and not straighten it, sometimes i think its because less men will give me attention , he says i look more unigue with my natural texture showing. anyway lately he is like why do you care about your hair so much thats all you ever do , so i am going to have to lay off or at least in front of him. he is also annoyed by the amount of time i have spent on my hair recently since when we first met it was practicly none. ... i donno what to say , he doesnt have a problem with me wearing wigs tho odd, he doesnt "like" them either.

if i were in your situation i would let him know when you relax it, the damage it causes outweighs the benifits and let him know that you are doing this for youself and drop it. he will probably lay off and then you can lay off letting him know all about your hair adventures.

 

[godsflowerrr]

my hubby was always telling me that i was obsessed with my hair. at first it got on my nerves but later on i was like so what. and????? he is obsessed with football and when i brought that up he shut right up. now that he is seeing my hair grow he doesn't complain anymore and just gives me compliments on how nice my hair growing.

 

[hopeful]

After years of butting into my hair business, my husband has learned to keep his mouth shut if he don't like what I do with my hair. He know he like me no matter what anyway lol. I share very little of my hair stuff with him because I know he doesn't understand. I did talk to him before I bc'd (the 1st time anyway) and he was very supportive. Your dh's just a newlywed girl, give him a pass.

 

[AngiGirl]

I can relate, my husband is pushing the whole relaxer thing but he is also being supportive because he sees how long and healthy my hair is natural. I think people don’t adjust well to change and when you couple that change with a new interest it’s possible he is a little jealous. The only thing I can tell you is to BE YOU. You are changing and evolving this probably scares him a little. Lord knows you can’t make anyone happy but yourself. People are very resilient if you stand firm he will back down and if you continue to insist he speak supportive things only to you regarding YOUR HAIR journey he will follow suit. Peace.

 

[~*~ShopAholic~*~]

I understand what your saying, and it's the same thing I was thinking. I have a friend who wanted to grow her hair out for a change of look, but her husband likes her better w/short hair. So she got it cut back into a very short cut w/ a little length in the bang area. I think some pple just have their preferences and i don't see nothing wrong w/it.

Plus if the OP's husband has been seeing her w/a certain hairstyle for the longest it just maybe what he's "used to seeing" but as soon as you show him some of those beautifully sexy natural hair styles maybe he'll have a different outlook on it. Just because the woman at your church looked better w/relaxed hair to him doesn't mean that you won't look better w/natural hair verses relaxed, I guess he'll just have to wait and see.

To me he doens't sound like he isn't supporting you.

He just don't like the look of natural hair or the route that you may seem to be taking.

I don't know, nevermind, just thought I would offer two ends of a spectrum. It just seems that when people don't like what we do or how we do it, everyone seems to think they are unsupportive, when that's not the case, it's just their opinion. Almost like, when another person's opinions about hair aesthetic aren't your we automatically see it as 'unsupport.'

Where was I going with this? I have no clue. But I hope someone understands. I wouldn't be so hard on him. Men are visual creatures. Maybe he doesn't like the LOOK of the whole haircare/natural thing.

 

[AmyInAtl]

Well, while our hair goals are with much work, anticipation and defensive styles, people still have to look at us. dont feel bad, my mom visited for a month, while I was wearing my 80's skurry curl faze(cowash / s-curl and go), on the last day she visited she let it rip, i mean she let me have it, she talked about that juicy, hot, sweaty, drippy, stringy, thin-like mess i was sporting (thinkin i was the ish), and said, she knew i wasnt gettin none, cause I looked a sweaty, funky, mess. well, i laughed hard (so i wouldnt cry), why would she let me walk around a drippy mess, needless to say, i lost the scurl look, and did something different. i wonder how my DH felt, he never said a word.

 

[gharp001]

Stay strong and commited to your goals, your DH will gain an better understanding and appreciation as you reach each new milestone. My DH was always use to me having straight hair & he's doesn't like changes. I have very fine/soft hair; I would get touch ups every 6 weeks faithly and burn my hair with hot curlers. Needless to say, my hair wouldn't grow pass ear length, iit was so damaged. Out of desparation I went into a weave for a few months; which my DH reluctantly supported for the health of my hair. Afterwards, I went into flat twists for a couple of months; and eventually I texlaxed (60-70%) my hair for a couple more months. This summer I decided to go natural, to my DH's dismay, he kept saying can't you just roll your hair up every night, instead? What does a man know about sleeping in hair rollers????? I'm about 5 months into tranisitioning now; and turns out my natural hair is curly, who knew? The DH is totally on board with my next hair goal of trying henna & offered to help. I think mainly because he can see the progress that I have made. My hair is now at the top of my shoulders and healthy and it's been about a year since I been out of the weave & really started my journey. In the end we both wanted the same things for me to be happy and have healthy hair; and I'm sure that is exactly what your DH wants for you.

 

[Ms_Twana]

OT: Gharp, what's up girl?? I need to check on you!!

Okay, to the OP, I didn't read ALL of the posts, but I want you to know that I feel your pain!! My husband feels the same way about me transitioning. And don't even get me started about his feelings on me BCing!!! The fact of the matter is that a lot of people are just trained to believe that long, straight hair is what's desirable. My husband saw a picture on one lady with a TWA, and was like, "I bet she would be pretty if her hair was different!!" What does that mean?? That hair makes you pretty??? So, just be patient with him. There was a point in my life when I felt the same way. It took me getting different perspectives from some of the ladies here to realize that long, straight does NOT equal pretty. Our hubbies will just need to learn the same thing. erplexed

Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent!!!

 

[jtsupanova]

Ladies I think were gonna have to keep our hair business to ourselves yesterday in the beauty supply store my man called me a product junkie and Im like were the L did you learn that term from (I never mentined it to him)

 

[chocolatemom_of_3]

I must applaud all you ladies. You are better women than I. No matter his preferences, my husband knows my hair is mine and that I will do with it what I please. I would have ripped him a new one had he made a comment of that nature. Period. I would have taken it as an unsupportive reaction, because it is.

You are still a newlywed, so I'll assume he doesn't know any better. But a good husband knows when to speak up and when to shut up. As times goes on, he'll learn when to do what. I share ALL my goals with my husband, no matter how trivial. I expect his support unless what I am choosing to do is dangerous. I have stood beside and behind him, listened to ideas and thoughts of his that made no sense, and dealt with his various obsessions. My father was like that with my mother, so I expect nothing less.