DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...

[AsianAfricanPrincess]

What do you mean by the bold...not quite the same thing as what? Please clarify as I'm genuinely confused on that part of your post.

I do believe long and healthy straight hair (that isn't tied back) will be viewed as more professional (or groomed) etc than afro hair with the same attributes in most minds. Yet it is really only in the working world where one may have to pander to those values. One can choose not to carry that faulty corporate work mentality into their own lives outside the workplace.

Yes, I agree with the red. I believe I said as much in my first post. What I disagreed with was the insinuation that puffs, twistouts etc were innately childish hair styles. Imo, there are many styling options for the aforementioned, so I didn't see how they could be automatically labelled as childish or young. You can go from having a "wild" TO to pinning them up and looking elegant like YaYa. The options are there if one chooses to explore them, imo. I also believe no matter your hair texture, the rest of the package (make-up, jewllery, clothing etc) has a bigger impact on the image you project. If Yaya had been dressed down, her hair would probably not be enough to make her look elegant.

I can only speak for myself here. I do look more childish when I wear my natural hair out. This is the only time I get carded. This is the only time that I'm not referred to as "madame" or "ma'am". So there is a reason for that, whether or not I agree with it.

Also, the older women get, the more conservative their style becomes. It's as simple as that. I'm speaking about social norms here; that's not to say that this is the general rule for everyone, in every society.

High ponytails ARE frequented by young women, teens, and cheerleaders (at least in the US). That doesn't mean it doesn't look good. That simply means that older women who are more conservative don't usually wear high ponytails, unless it's secured into a bun.

I don't know what industries others work in. I would consider mine among the least "liberal" or forgiving. And hair that is worn out in our workplace has to be close to the scalp. Plain and simple. That is the rule in our workplace, regardless of your race, skin color, or hairtype/length. I've seen many a time when Caucasian colleagues were called in and told to tone down their hair or get a haircut (usually our first-year associates or interns encounter this sort of reprimand). Kinky, coily colleagues rarely encounter this in my industry (that I've seen) simply because they already seem to know the rules somehow and usually come in looking polished already, their hair close to their scalps (regardless of the style).

Regarding Yaya, her style - an updo - does not count to me as being "loose hair" because it's secured into an elegant updo. I love her hairstyle and if the top was low enough, I'd totally be able to wear that to work. But the farther it is from our scalps, in my industry, the more likely we'll be given a talking to.

I have no idea how it works for other industries...mine is pretty conservative, but they're not crazy and would never do anything to invite a lawsuit (like tell me that I can't wear kinky hair, period).

 

[kkamara5]

Some people are like that, some are not.

I'm in the "not" category. I would much rather want to live up to MY version of my "perfect" hair and body.

That doesn't mean that I don't take what he likes into consideration. It doesn't mean that I'm angry. It just means that I am my own person. I keep him happy WHILE keeping myself happy.

Some people can sacrifice hair easily. Some can't. Everyone is different. You pick and choose what you'll sacrifice based on how much it means to you.

It's not all about him (it's not ALL about me either)... it's about us both sharing eachother's lives COMFORTABLY and happily. If I am very uncomfortable doing something, I shouldn't have to just endure. I should be happy too!

When I wrote "angry" I was refering to "TheGrimPhreaker" stating that she would, "swift drop kick his head" , if he suggested a change of hairstyle.........moving foward......you're right...some people are like that and some are not.....I'm in the "are"category....not because my opinion does not matter but because in a relationship, there are 2 individuals involved...we're talking about a marriage, not some random boyfriend she can just drop then move on....Ultimately everything boils down to how important having natural hair is to the indiviidual........IMO, knowing that my husband finds me sexy, attractive, and comes home every night wanting me and ONLY me...is worth the compromise...not because I'm "weakminded" .....simply because I take my husbands opnion of me very seriously.....JMHO..

 

[msa]

AsianAfricanPrincess, what industry do you work in?

I'd like to know so I can avoid it.

 

[Mynappturalme]

Umm, I'm definitely calm.

Anyway, I understand it's not permanent. My point was if someone wants to be natural because they don't want to alter their texture, then bkt'ing is not a good compromise because it alters the texture (even if until it wears off, if it does). And if someone is against relaxers because of the chemicals, then bkt'ing is also not a compromise because it uses harsh chemicals as well.

Wow! about the "calm down" comment, just kidding, goodness gracious. Didn't mean to offend you MSA.

Anywhoo, I understand what you are saying completely being a natural myself. For some, this is not an issue and another alternative for them whether you, I, or anyonelse agrees with it or not. So even if it's not a compromise to you, it maybe a compromise to her. In the end, it's her decision to make and I pray that she is able to make the best decision for her and husband.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

Honestly speaking...this reaction exemplifies the reason why black women are looked upon as being "angry"....or "aggressive"....
In no way am I saying that the OP should sacrifice her happiness for the sake of her husbands, however, marriage is about compromise...and yes her husband should love her for who she is, but I believe that she too should want to please him or feel beautiful for him...I dont know about anyone else, but I get a sense of femininity and sexiness when I know that my man is 100 percent attracted to everything about me....I would hate to think that there is something about me that he disapproves of...especially if a compromise can be reached......Not because I feel like he would love me any less, but because little things like this is what I believe makes the marriage strong... ....I'm not married, or in her shoes, however, when I get married I will try everyway possible to make my man happy....whether its keeping myself in shape, or looking my best....and I expect the same in return...

Im not suggesting that the OP should relax her hair.....I'm only saying maybe she could find an alternative such as straightening, doing braid-outs, or simply trying to educate her man on different hairstyles in general.....instead of dismissing his suggestions..

Actually the drop kick to the head was supposed to be funny. Im surprised that this was picked out of all the comments, some being worse than this one that "exemplifies a black woman as being aggressive". I know plenty of Italian, and Spanish women that would react the same way.

 

[Miss Monae]

There are SO MANY people giving their opinions...and although a lot of them make sense, they are still JUST OPINIONS...Do what you feel is right for YOU!

If I was to shed light on this, i would say have a conversation with DH explaining how his approach made you feel. Before presenting a compromise, find out if he will even hear the compromise. you don't want to talk to a brick wall...pray, dig deep and think about it. Eventually YOU will come to your decision...yes, you two are one in God's eyes and in the eyes of society...but you are also your OWN person...

 

[msa]

Wow! about the "calm down" comment, just kidding, goodness gracious. Didn't mean to offend you MSA.

Anywhoo, I understand what you are saying completely being a natural myself. For some, this is not an issue and another alternative for them whether you, I, or anyonelse agrees with it or not. So even if it's not a compromise to you, it maybe a compromise to her. In the end, it's her decision to make and I pray that she is able to make the best decision for her and husband.

LOL, I was sitting here like wait, maybe I'm not calm. My bad.

 

[AsianAfricanPrincess]

AsianAfricanPrincess, what industry do you work in?

I'd like to know so I can avoid it.

Your comment made me chuckle, I don't blame you... I can't say what industry it is here, though. But when you think of the top two conservative global industries, I'm sure my industry would be among the two you think of.

 

[msa]

Your comment made me chuckle, I don't blame you... I can't say what industry it is here, though. But when you think of the top two conservative global industries, I'm sure my industry would be among the two you think of.

LOL I don't know what those are...or maybe I've seen naturals in so many industries that I can't think of any that discourage certain hairstyles.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

Some people are like that, some are not.

I'm in the "not" category. I would much rather want to live up to MY version of my "perfect" hair and body.

That doesn't mean that I don't take what he likes into consideration. It doesn't mean that I'm angry. It just means that I am my own person. I keep him happy WHILE keeping myself happy.

Some people can sacrifice hair easily. Some can't. Everyone is different. You pick and choose what you'll sacrifice based on how much it means to you.

It's not all about him (it's not ALL about me either)... it's about us both sharing eachother's lives COMFORTABLY and happily. If I am very uncomfortable doing something, I shouldn't have to just endure. I should be happy too!

The bolded was exactly my point. Being MY OWN PERSON. If no one wants to compromise I will not compromise. If that is what makes me an angry black woman then so be it. But truthfully I know I am not an angry black woman, as I am my own person, have a wonderful bf who sees me as strong but NOT aggressive and for the most part I'm always smiling and happy go lucky. Just because I won't stand for shenanigans and Im willing to stand up for what I believe makes me happy (whether you're by my side or not), does not make me an angry black woman. I believe there were some worse reactions on the board, but Im assuming she just chose mine

 

[vkb247]

i noticed it, and my boyfriend noticed this as well. When i went natural, and began working at a "high-status" job, in on month, i received a smattering of patient complaints. Some patients were "uncomfortable" with my hair. It never failed that when my hair was "freshly braided", my boyfriend and the clients gave me quite a few compliments. But when the new growth came in - here comes the complaints from him - and the patients.

Even i was becoming tired. everytime i saw a woman rocking a natural style, i thought - "hey kudos" for her. but it's not working for me anymore. or my relationship at work. At home, it didn't matter.

So i decided to do a weave. a natural, curly afro 10" weave. it's spirally, afro textured, 3c/4a hair. I didn't want to compromise my natural hair, and i know that due to shrinkage, i won't attain WL hair like Diana Ross used to wear in one year (which is my goal, yes WL 4c hair).

I am over 40, and starting over on my hair journey. the compromise was a hit. My boyfriend doesn't have to deal with the "new growth look" every 2 weeks, due to the style. There's no flatironing, no pressing, or anything to be done to my natural hair except gelling the edges.

My supervisor likes the style, and noticed that immediately, the patient complaints stopped.

so why not compromise, and still keep your natural hair? someone else on this discussion suggested this. You or your husband can pick whatever style you want, and wear it without having to harm your own hair.

Couldn't you have started to get your hair done more often?

 

[FluffyRed]

IMO, knowing that my husband finds me sexy, attractive, and comes home every night wanting me and ONLY me...is worth the compromise...not because I'm "weakminded" .....simply because I take my husbands opnion of me very seriously.....JMHO..

This is waaaay off topic, but just because you do everything he says, jump through hoops at his every whim does not mean he will want "only" you.

In general, a man that is extra focused on your externals will definitely find better externals as yours get old and wrinkly.

He'd better be connected and attracted to your soul and spirit.

 

[GodMadeMePretty]

AsianAfricanPrincess, what industry do you work in?

I'd like to know so I can avoid it.

You're funny!

To the OP: I haven't been in your shoes. And I'm glad I haven't. But it seems as though you aren't really invested in keeping your hair natural anyway as you seem to imply that all the styles are geared toward the younger generation. If you want to relax because it's easier on you, then by all means do so.

I'm glad my husband's mantra is "Health over beauty." Your husband's mantra should be as well. A relaxer is just so unnecessary and it doesn't seem to me that his demand that you get a relaxer is expressing any love for you. He obviously needs to be educated on what a relaxer actually does - rather than only being aware of the end results.

Educate him.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

No, it's not interesting in the least. It's normal since everyone has a preference.

DH met me with APL hair & married me with APL hair so it's a given that he prefers APL hair since he thinks APL is long. When I did get a mini chop last November, DH sat in the salon with me to make sure the stylist did not cut too much. My natural hair is not yet APL, even when heat stretched.

DH has long locs (BSL if he were a woman) and I LOVE the way they look. I met him with long locs and previously dated other men with long locs. It's my preference and I do not want him to cut his hair. He gets it trimmed but never more than a couple of inches.

Once he feels the same, and not one moment before, then I will wear my natural hair in public.

If he were asking me to relax then it would be a different situation. Then again, DH now understands that relaxers chemically alter hair such that it would need to be cut off to go natural at a later date. I don't think that most men understand how relaxers work.

OP, maybe you can show your DH some info on relaxers. The new Chris Rock film, Good Hair, has a clip in the trailer showing how relaxers dissolve a coke can. If your DH understands that you no longer want to permanently alter your hair texture, then maybe he would be more understanding?

Your husband has super long locs but he's not ready for you to wear your curly fro in public?

That is...ummm...interesting.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

When I wrote "angry" I was refering to "TheGrimPhreaker" stating that she would, "swift drop kick his head" , if he suggested a change of hairstyle.........moving foward......you're right...some people are like that and some are not.....I'm in the "are"category....not because my opinion does not matter but because in a relationship, there are 2 individuals involved...we're talking about a marriage, not some random boyfriend she can just drop then move on....Ultimately everything boils down to how important having natural hair is to the indiviidual........IMO, knowing that my husband finds me sexy, attractive, and comes home every night wanting me and ONLY me...is worth the compromise...not because I'm "weakminded" .....simply because I take my husbands opnion of me very seriously.....JMHO..

Huh? youre acting like I quoted you personally or something....

ETA: I don't know what made you think I was talking about you. Clearly I didnt quote you and no one else took it personal....so why you? And like I said before, it was a joke. Geez. ALSO, I never said it would be because he suggested a hairstyle. Where you got that from I have no idea, I said it seemed like he was demanding. Don't twist words. A suggestion is TOTALLY different than a command. K Thx.

 

[empressri]

If HAIR can break up a marriage....that makes me go hmmm.

Why do I need to alter something on my body to make anyone else happy? When someone loves you they are supposed to accept you. What happens if God forbid you lost your hair? Then what? He's going to make you wear a wig? A scarf?

My fiance may not like certain styles but never has he told me to wear my hair a certain way. I'm a grown woman, how is he going to tell me what to do? If you try to "compromise" to make everyone around you happy, you are only going to end up miserable.

 

[msa]

No, it's not interesting in the least.

It's interesting to me.

 

[Mynappturalme]

LOL, I was sitting here like wait, maybe I'm not calm. My bad.

LOL! That's why I put the there. I know it's hard to understand people's personality sometimes over the internet. Just know I never mean any harm, I love all you LHCF sisters.

 

[jada1111]

Hair type: 4a/b thick. Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.

DH told me that the natural look on me has to go. I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it. He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me. I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.

I know its not about him, its about me and what I like, though feel so discouraged because of the responses and treatment I get on the job, society and now at home. Natural hair where I live is a minority. People look at my 3c hair in my nape and say, "oh, you have "good" hair BACK THERE". The mentality here is that if you have 4a/b hair you look upkept, unprofessional and obviously dont have job.

Right now my hair is past should length in the nape to area, 4 inches in the crown, 5 inches on the sides and I have about a 3.5 inch bang area. I want to grow my hair out so it looks like Te'yah Crystal Ke'mayh (sp?). What is her hair type anyway?

I've been natural for 2 years and 3 months. Though I like being natural, the styles seem to be suited to the younger generation. You mostly see schooled aged young children , teenagers and 20 something with twists,braids and plaits-not 40 y.o. women. I thought the "updo" kept it polished looking.

DH told me to make an appointment on Friday to get a relaxer and cut into a "style". I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.

Been in my shoes?

I don't wear any of those styles - EVER. My hair is either in an OUT style or Puff. Have no problem getting employment, men, etc. and I'm a 4a.

You need to do WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. I'm gathering from your post that you no longer want to be natural, because you can't get some styles going for you. It could be technique or products, but you've been natural for two years now, so the styling issue should be a done deal.

In answer to your question, NOBODY could make me put a chemical in MY hair if I didn't want it. NOBODY. I'm too old for that nonsense.

I mean it really is just HAIR. It grows back.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

I'm sooooo READY for the padlock. People are reading and misquoting people in this thread and its just sad. Let the OP decide for herself. But I did have a good laugh today LOL

 

[GodMadeMePretty]

I'm sooooo READY for the padlock. People are reading and misquoting people in this thread and its just sad. Let the OP decide for herself. But I did have a good laugh today LOL

I don't even read half the comments. I stopped half-way through. So why is there a need for padlocks?

 

[AsianAfricanPrincess]

I'm sooooo READY for the padlock. People are reading and misquoting people in this thread and its just sad. Let the OP decide for herself.

OP, I'm not in your shoes, so I can't imagine how this all must make you feel... But I guess maintaining a dialogue with your DH and letting him know how important his support is to you right now (if you haven't already) is the only thing you can do.

I do hope that whatever decision you make, that it's one that will ultimately make you (and your DH) happy.

 

[RedVelvet310]

Wow OP, if I were in your shoes I'd be genuinely hurt from that comment . DH was definately in the wrong about that one. I'm sorry but for a man to say that to his WIFE. That he doesn't appreciate the NATURAL HAIR GROWING OUT OF HER HEAD? . IMO it's not a matter of compromise, but a matter of discussion. You shouldn't compromise your happiness for your husband's (or any man) and if your husband was considerate he wouldn't ask that of you. I don't know, I understand that there are certain superficial things that a wife should do for their hubby, stay fit, put a little bit of make-up on, keep looking nice, but when it goes as deep as hair (especially black hair) I don't know how to feel about that.

 

[kkamara5]

The bolded was exactly my point. Being MY OWN PERSON. If no one wants to compromise I will not compromise. If that is what makes me an angry black woman then so be it. But truthfully I know I am not an angry black woman, as I am my own person, have a wonderful bf who sees me as strong but NOT aggressive and for the most part I'm always smiling and happy go lucky. Just because I won't stand for shenanigans and Im willing to stand up for what I believe makes me happy (whether you're by my side or not), does not make me an angry black woman. I believe there were some worse reactions on the board, but Im assuming she just chose mine

JEEZ LOISE calm down....you dont have to state facts about your life to prove that you are NOT an "angry black woman" ......gosh..excuse me for making a comment on your "joke"...lol ....I guess I forgot to chuckle....

 

[femmemuscle]

hey mizzbrown these were the complaints that you have asked about:

"her hair doesn't look very professional"

One whopper was from a rich black female who addressed me as "girl..." during a conversation. she was joking and cajoling, and i answered her in kind she was fine, until she couldn't get her results right away. her complaint was:'

"She looks as if she came off of the streets, and addressed me as one of her street friends." How can one look as if they "came off the streets in scrubs, glasses and a lab coat?"

Patients with children complained that my hair "scared them."

i had it in kinky twists pulled back to look more professional.

another one was: "we weren't very comfortable with her appearance".

I was working with the head radiologist one day, and was voicing my opinion about patient complaints, and he said: "Well, your hair does look scary to some cultures."

When i came into work wearing my weave pulled back (just i would with the kinky twists or braids). My supervisor and her boss (from africa) were the first to say: "i like this look SO much better, it looks more professional, and polished"...


there's your answer Mizzbrown. if you want more answers, maybe you should take a look at our facility. Palo Alto Medical Foundation, Mountain View, CA. It's very high-end. $2.5million dollar sculptures hanging from ceilings, fountains, meditation gardens, top-notch doctors, rads(like myself) and i am the ONLY black person in our whole, huge department. go figure.

 

[femmemuscle]

damn, ladies..we're almost hitting the 300 post mark on this one..

 

[fletches]

First & foremost, be very careful about taking advice on what to do with your marriage from ppl who aren't married.

2nd, this really is a decision that has to made b/w you and your DH. And whatever decision that may be, both of you have to be comfortable with the outcome.

 

[CocoBunny]

No, it's not interesting in the least. It's normal since everyone has a preference.

DH met me with APL hair & married me with APL hair so it's a given that he prefers APL hair since he thinks APL is long. When I did get a mini chop last November, DH sat in the salon with me to make sure the stylist did not cut too much. My natural hair is not yet APL, even when heat stretched.

DH has long locs (BSL if he were a woman) and I LOVE the way they look. I met him with long locs and previously dated other men with long locs. It's my preference and I do not want him to cut his hair. He gets it trimmed but never more than a couple of inches.

Once he feels the same, and not one moment before, then I will wear my natural hair in public.

If he were asking me to relax then it would be a different situation. Then again, DH now understands that relaxers chemically alter hair such that it would need to be cut off to go natural at a later date. I don't think that most men understand how relaxers work.

OP, maybe you can show your DH some info on relaxers. The new Chris Rock film, Good Hair, has a clip in the trailer showing how relaxers dissolve a coke can. If your DH understands that you no longer want to permanently alter your hair texture, then maybe he would be more understanding?

I agree. If my husband didn't like my hair, I'd change it. I may not relax it but I might weave it or wig it up. I think I posted in a previous thread, that my husband like me with dark hair. I loved my hair when it was a strawberry blond. Of course my hair promptly fell out from the relaxing and coloring but that made it easier to decide to keep my hair dark. Now my hair and my hubby are happy. It's about compromise his and mine. Completely off topic but prior to us getting married, he told me he didn't ever want a fat wife. I told him I hate the gym but love to eat, we compromised he will never nag or even mention my weight and I will never weigh more then he does.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Just wow!!! I really do think that some of these comments from colleagues are grounds for a lawsuit. Not that you should take it to that level and be black listed in your field but WOW!!!! Do they know that these comments create a hostile work environment?

hey mizzbrown these were the complaints that you have asked about:

"her hair doesn't look very professional"

One whopper was from a rich black female who addressed me as "girl..." during a conversation. she was joking and cajoling, and i answered her in kind she was fine, until she couldn't get her results right away. her complaint was:'

"She looks as if she came off of the streets, and addressed me as one of her street friends." How can one look as if they "came off the streets in scrubs, glasses and a lab coat?"

Patients with children complained that my hair "scared them."

i had it in kinky twists pulled back to look more professional.

another one was: "we weren't very comfortable with her appearance".

I was working with the head radiologist one day, and was voicing my opinion about patient complaints, and he said: "Well, your hair does look scary to some cultures."

When i came into work wearing my weave pulled back (just i would with the kinky twists or braids). My supervisor and her boss (from africa) were the first to say: "i like this look SO much better, it looks more professional, and polished"...


there's your answer Mizzbrown. if you want more answers, maybe you should take a look at our facility. Palo Alto Medical Foundation, Mountain View, CA. It's very high-end. $2.5million dollar sculptures hanging from ceilings, fountains, meditation gardens, top-notch doctors, rads(like myself) and i am the ONLY black person in our whole, huge department. go figure.

 

[kkamara5]

This is waaaay off topic, but just because you do everything he says, jump through hoops at his every whim does not mean he will want "only" you.

In general, a man that is extra focused on your externals will definitely find better externals as yours get old and wrinkly.

He'd better be connected and attracted to your soul and spirit.

Yea you're right..it doesnt mean that he will want me and ONLY me...however, that will not be my motivation for not wanting to please my husband or come to a "compromise" ...or should I say, "jump through hoops at his every whim"...lol good one...judging from that statement and your obvious lack of desire to compromise in a MARRIAGE...your most likely without a man/husband...no offense....JMHO.....

key word: COMPROMISE

PS...a successful marriage involves connection and attraction to the mind, body, and soul...