DH keeps expressing he wants another child

[eyunka]

Once our 3 kids leave the house. My youngest is 13. I just can't do it! Call me selfish but I just can't do it.

For one my tubes are tied and couple years ago had a hysterectomy so he's talking about adopting a little girl. I wouldn't want to go through that process. Please correct me if i'm wrong but isn't the process of adopting grueling? (I have no issues with having an adopted child, I'm one myself)

I don't want to take care of kids all my life. Once our kids are grown and on their own, that's our time to do things we couldn't while they were there. Personally I have no business taking care of a toddler in my late 40's.

Everytime we discuss I ask why do you want another dd. He says because our dd will be grown. I ask for other reasons and I just get because i want another daughter. I've always wanted 4 kids.

You guys i understand that but 4 kids was a bit much for me. We are struggling with 3. So because that's always something he envisioned he can't let it go.

I don't see myself budging. I asked him a serious question...do I have anything to worry about in terms of you going else where because this is something you feel pretty strong on. He says no that he is going to keep trying to convince me to change my mind.

 

[Leigh]

Tell him if he can afford to hire a nanny or two and house keeper, you'll consider it. That way you can still do what you want and he can still have 4 kids.

 

[Windsy]

Hell-2-the-em-******-no!!!!!

 

[eyunka]

ummm yeah those were my thoughts exactly but I was trying to understanding so I just tried to talk it through to get an understanding....I still don't get it.

Hell-2-the-em-******-no!!!!!

 

[SmileyNY]

I say just enjoy your life & your children while they are still at home... And cross this bridge when you get to it.

Who knows, maybe you'll have empty nest syndrome once all of the children are out of the house & change your mind. Or maybe one of your older children will become a parent & your husband will be satisfied with being a grandfather.

These situations have a way of working themselves out.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[Charz]

I remember your old threads OP

Not sure how with all that, you hubby could suggest such

I think you should do what the 1st post says..mention nannies and housekeepers

 

[eyunka]

I don't think he is thinking things through, all he knows is what he wants. I wish I had a better understanding of why so i could atleast be more sympathic to his feelings. Personally I have my own thoughts as to why he wants another child after our 3 are gone. Of course its just my assumption.

I remember your old threads OP

Not sure how with all that, you hubby could suggest such

I think you should do what the 1st post says..mention nannies and housekeepers

 

[hopeful]

My youngest is 12 so I know how you feel. The thought of having a baby or toddler is very unappealing. I could not and would not do it even with a housekeeper and nannies. They are still ultimately your children and when there are problems with them you still have to figure things out and when they are hurting you will still hurt and there is just all the support and encouragement they need -- no thank you! Looking forward to spending most of my 50's child-free.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Tell him to wait till your kids have kids then he can play daddy.

 

[snillohsss]

Ask dh does he have an extra 10k laying around? You have to pay to adopt...and it will cost about that much for a black infant domestic adoption. They will go over your finances with a fine tooth comb to see if you can comfortably afford a 4th child.

So if you're struggling with 3....the adoption agency will find out and tell you and your husband thanks.... but no thanks.

 

[MixedBerry]

Hi OP, you know that I dont know you, at all right? Ok, to be honest, my first initial thought after reading your thread was: There has to be some kind of *intimacy issue. He's hiding or looking for a way to keep distracted by always having children around.


I could totally be wrong. But thats what I gather.....





*Of course I dont mean just sex or just anything physical but emotionally as well.

 

[preciouslove0x]

I think your DH is missing the fact that he'll most likely be a grandfather within the next 15ish years. Your DD can drop off her grandkids anytime (assuming that's what you two would want). That should DEFINITELY satisfy his desire.

 

[eyunka]

MixedBerry

I understand where you are coming from. I have my own thoughts as to why he wants to keep kids around. We don't have a strong marriage but we are parents that believe in a two parent household. I "think" he thinks once the kids are gone "if" I was to ever want to leave it would be easier but if there is another child in the picture i will stay.

Of course those are my thoughts. I don't know for sure.

Hi OP, you know that I dont know you, at all right? Ok, to be honest, my first initial thought after reading your thread was: There has to be some kind of *intimacy issue. He's hiding or looking for a way to keep distracted by always having children around.


I could totally be wrong. But thats what I gather.....





*Of course I dont mean just sex or just anything physical but emotionally as well.

 

[Windsy]

@MixedBerry

I understand where you are coming from. I have my own thoughts as to why he wants to keep kids around. We don't have a strong marriage but we are parents that believe in a two parent household. I "think" he thinks once the kids are gone "if" I was to ever want to leave it would be easier but if there is another child in the picture i will stay.

Of course those are my thoughts. I don't know for sure.

Also be honest with yourself...are his fears valid?

 

[NicWhite]

@MixedBerry

I understand where you are coming from. I have my own thoughts as to why he wants to keep kids around. We don't have a strong marriage but we are parents that believe in a two parent household. I "think" he thinks once the kids are gone "if" I was to ever want to leave it would be easier but if there is another child in the picture i will stay.

Of course those are my thoughts. I don't know for sure.

This is really sad. And it is even more of a reason not to introduce another child, especially an adopted child, into your relationship.

There is a great deal of stress with trying to adopt, and it is a very expensive venture. An adopted child may need more emotional care later on as well, as they deal with issues of abandonment by their biological parents. If your relationship is weak already, then this is definitely not a good idea, even under the best financial circumstances.

OP, I am sorry about your marital problems and hope you guys will be able to work them out.

 

[eyunka]

Windy

I'm very honest with the situation just not so forth right is sharing. Its been a topic of conversation for us in the past many times. We've gotten past it and moved on. I will say this Windy, will I put forth the same effort I am now in trying to make this marriage work when the kids are gone? I don't think so. As I said we are parents that believe in a two parent household so we make it work the best "we" can. Will I out right leave? That's not a future thought.

Also be honest with yourself...are his fears valid?

 

[eyunka]

@NicWhite

I agree with your statements. These are my thoughts alone.

This is really sad. And it is even more of a reason not to introduce another child, especially an adopted child, into your relationship.

There is a great deal of stress with trying to adopt, and it is a very expensive venture. An adopted child may need more emotional care later on as well, as they deal with issues of abandonment by their biological parents. If your relationship is weak already, then this is definitely not a good idea, even under the best financial circumstances.

OP, I am sorry about your marital problems and hope you guys will be able to work them out.

 

[Windsy]

@Windy

I'm very honest with the situation just not so forth right is sharing. Its been a topic of conversation for us in the past many times. We've gotten past it and moved on. I will say this @Windy, will I put forth the same effort I am now in trying to make this marriage work when the kids are gone? I don't think so. As I said we are parents that believe in a two parent household so we make it work the best "we" can. Will I out right leave? That's not a future thought.

Then have this conversation with him..if you really believe that this is why he is asking for a 4th child. He's looking for assurance that you will be his wife after the kids are gone. I say sit down and express your feelings to him but having a 4th child JUST to keep you is ludicrous!!!!

 

[miss cosmic]

MixedBerry

I understand where you are coming from. I have my own thoughts as to why he wants to keep kids around. We don't have a strong marriage but we are parents that believe in a two parent household. I "think" he thinks once the kids are gone "if" I was to ever want to leave it would be easier but if there is another child in the picture i will stay.

Of course those are my thoughts. I don't know for sure.

This was my very 1st thought after reading your post. But i don't know you at all or the background to this story.
When all is said and done you've got at least 7 years to go so dont stress about it now. A LOT can change in 7years.

 

[eyunka]

at the bolded yes it is. The topic of adoption is not over and as we talk more the true reason I believe will come out.

Then have this conversation with him..if you really believe that this is why he is asking for a 4th child. He's looking for assurance that you will be his wife after the kids are gone. I say sit down and express your feelings to him but having a 4th child JUST to keep you is ludicrous!!!![/QUOTE]

 

[ONAMSHN]

I think your assumption is RIGHT ON THE MONEY!!!!!!!!

 

[lux10023]

i too thought the same thing--it appears he wants her to remain in that marriage and he knows that another child will buy time and commitment...

wish you all the best op and do whats best for you and your family but not at the sake of hubby wanting to lock you in a marriage your not happy in...

This was my very 1st thought after reading your post. But i don't know you at all or the background to this story.
When all is said and done you've got at least 7 years to go so dont stress about it now. A LOT can change in 7years.

 

[southerncitygirl]

Leigh i tend to agree. also adding to the list the money for a breast lift/tuuy tuck, a personal trainer and a nutrtionist. its real easy for me to say how many kids they want....they don't have to carry them for nine months and they are not the primary nurturers/caregivers cause kids tend to cry for mommy the most.

Tell him if he can afford to hire a nanny or two and house keeper, you'll consider it. That way you can still do what you want and he can still have 4 kids.