DH as Best Friend?

keyawarren said:
...And this is why I believe DH as a "best friend" is a little bit idealistic. should he be one of my closest friends? For sure! I'm not married, so by the time that happens, he couldn't possibly catch up with my actual bff of 17 years. Wayyy too much history to compete.

eta: the type of intimacy you share with your partner vs. your closest friends is different. It's not comparable imo.
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BINGO. :yep: I can't speak for others, but THIS is why I don't call DH my "best friend". DH isn't my "friend", he's my soul mate (from my earlier post). The connection that I have to my husband is different and much deeper than those that were established out of friendship.
 
i would like the imagine the status with my husband to be different from the one with a best friend. i dont think my husband would be my best friend. it would be something else.
 
There's no way my husband would not be my best friend. Would make no sense for me to marry someone and pledge lifelong fidelity to them if they couldn't be everything a best friend is supposed to be and more.

But I suspect my viewpoint comes from me being a loner by nature. If someone is special enough to gain access to my most private of spheres, then they by definition are my best friend.

Fortunately, my fiance feels the same way. It would suck for me to see him as my BF and he didn't!
 
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This is am interesting thread.

I don't think my thoughts on it are popular but I think its how one defines best friends, what one believes to be the function of spouse, as well as the type of relationship/marriage one prefers.

That said I agree wholeheartedly one should be friends with their spouse. However, there are b oundaries and there is a small, yet significant imo, level of space that needs to occur that makes it easier to preserve respect and create balance. I don't tell my best friend everything. I'm not the waiting to exhale chick eager to kick it with her homegirls. I've been good at maintaining and preserving my close friendships as a result. While I don't think there are things one should hide from their spouse, I'm mindful of the effect and ramifications certain thoughts and words will have longterm. For example, I'm known to fight my own battles and I hate messiness... if there is a family issue I'm having or spat with my mom it will influence my partern's opinion of them which isn't necessarily a good thing. I need him to respect and love my family, if I engage him in every little detail of my life in being his own person with his own thoughts and intepretations it might create more problems than its worth as a result of the bff+ spouse combo. So friends, yes. best friends? Up for debate....

Furthermore, I've heard some couples refer to themselves as bff over the years even though their actioms say otherwise. I take the "best friend" terminology with a grain of salt and/or side eye. On the same token I've seen best friend couples smother each other to death...
 
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one of my favorite relationships was with a guy that i was good friends with. we probably could have stayed in each others life forever as best friends, but as a couple, it didnt work. (we couldnt have been only best friends either though because i wasnt going to share him with a girlfriend, so, womp, was a wash.)
 
MD_Lady said:
BINGO. :yep: I can't speak for others, but THIS is why I don't call DH my "best friend". DH isn't my "friend", he's my soul mate (from my earlier post). The connection that I have to my husband is different and much deeper than those that were established out of friendship.
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this perfectly describes my thoughts!
 
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I guess it depends on what you definition of a soul mate is also. I think fiancé is one of my soul mates but he definitely not my only soul mate. I don't view soul mates from a romantic stand point but I definitely know he is the one for me.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
I am more open to DH than I am to anyone else in my life, I tell him everything I wouldn't tell any of my girlfriends EVER. Infact the only thing I don't tell him are opinions on his family and I have lots, that I save for my sis/girl.:yep:
 
Absolutely. Deep friendship is part of the many facets of our relationship. He's my only "ride or die" friend as they say. There is no female friend I have no matter how long we've been friends that I'd stick up for, defend, or cherish more than my husband. It's the same in reverse. That's the way we've been for over 15 years and it's worked for us, and most of the long term married couples that we know and we know many. However people and relationships are different, depending on the personally type, this might not work as well for others.
 
I would say DH is mine. There is nobody else I would rather spend my time with. I tell him everything. He has seen all sides of me. And I have let him in places of my life and heart I have never let anyone. It may sound cheesy. But it's true.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
I feel like we need to go back to define friend vs. soulmate vs. best friend vs. lover.
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:yep::yep::yep:

I agree.

I don't think everyone defines levels of emotional intimacy and boundaries the same.

at the same time I think inherent relationship expectations come in to play as well.

I'm not a modern day romantic. As stated previously, I'm more into my man and my relationship than anything else but I'm very traditional in a sense that there are very definitive spousal boundaries and expectations. While I love being able to be open and tell my partner my deepest most intimate thoughts, I dont want to tell him every little detail about every little thing that happens. I don't know if that's a personality factor or what but my my personal reservation is similar to my mom in that I believe there's a time, a place and a person for everything. My SO means everything to me but he's not my everything ya know. I'm also someone that appreciates arranged marriages.
 
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I just believe having a big support system including my bffs outside of my marriage. My spouse will of course be my biggest confidant and a good friend but I expect my bff to be someone in my corner outside of any other relationships I have.

I have been having better luck in finding interests after I learned to separate the two groups but that is another tale.
 
barbiesocialite said:
:yep::yep::yep:

I agree.

I don't think everyone defines levels of emotional intimacy and boundaries the same.

at the same time I think inherent relationship expectations come in to play as well.

I'm not a modern day romantic. As stated previously, I'm more into my man and my relationship than anything else but I'm very traditional in a sense that there are very definitive spousal boundaries and expectations. While I love being able to be open and tell my partner my deepest most intimate thoughts, I dont want to tell him every little detail about every little thing that happens. I don't know if that's a personality factor or what but my my personal reservation is similar to my mom in that I believe there's a time, a place and a person for everything. My SO means everything to me but he's not my everything ya know. I'm also someone that appreciates arranged marriages.
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I agree with all of this. My exDH of 15 years was not my bff or anything close to it so I recognize the value of having your spouse be your friend and that is one of my req if I ever get married again.

I have three best friends, one of whom is my literal soulmate. We always joke that we just need to find the male version of each other to marry :lol:

So I would like my future partner to also be a best friend but not THE best friend. It's important IMO for a woman to have girlfriends and not treat her husband as such. I know women that do this and they bore their husband to tears talking endlessly about a bunch of ish that a girlfriend might not mind gabbing about for hours but is of no interest to men. You should be able to talk to your partner/spouse about anything, hang out with them, have fun, etc but there should be a balance with outside friendships as well so there isn't a situation where two people are completely dependent on one another for all their needs in life.

I would rather vent to one of my besties about petty ish than bring that home to my partner that way I've gotten a lot of it off my chest and he can listen to the abbreviated version and then give me the coloring I need to feel better :look:
 
I do agree with sharing certain things with spouse and sharing other things with girlfriends. But spouse is the biggest confidant as I shift to marriage and starting a family (one day, not ready for babies yet lol). Honestly as I talk more to my mother or elders because I appreciate their wisdom than girlfriends. I have always been the type to not want to dump all that heavy stuff on anybody, so when I do vent it's bc it's really needed or someone pulls it out of me to let it out...I tend to express myself in a journal.

It's interesting one OP said that one of their bestfriends is their soul mate. I have one like that too I call her my soul sister, I wish she wasn't so far away! But we can go months without speaking and we always are going through the same thing. I feel like our lives are parallel but different. Our first and last name are similar, we are very petite, we are the middle children, we both have brothers that are younger than us by 10+ years, and we clicked quickly. We met in high school. Through college and after college no matter how much time passed we always was going through the same things. We were related in a past life I feel like.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
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I think I'm definitely seeing personality differences and that being a factor. I don't go to my husband with "he said, she said chit chat" but I don't really go to anyone with that. That's what LHCF is for, nonsense. LOL

We talk about life, goals, business, space, science, entertainment etc. Everything, we have the same interests so we don't bore each other, and when one or the other of us is droning on about something that the other is tired of talking about, we either say "okay, I'm done now" or fall asleep! :lachen:

Anything that I might talk about with someone else I'd talk about in more detail with him, and of course you should have female best friends (or male) if that's your personality. Have all the friends you like and want that help make your life richer!

Again what works for one might not work for others, but I would not marry anyone that I didn't feel was my best friend, or I wasn't the best friend of. It wouldn't work for me. So I'm thankful that we did. Everyone has their ups and downs, but we get along well, have fun together, make each other angry, make each other laugh. Support each other, give advice where needed and in general have a nice time together. So if it works for you and your personality and that of your future spouse run with it, and if it doesn't "shrugs".
 
Dh is not my best friend we were friends before we were married and have a great "friendship" outside of being spouses, but there's just certain things I can't talk to him about. He could never replace my BFF sometimes I just need female energy and he can't be that. I trust him more them anyone but He's still not my bff
 
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