Dealing with a Depressed Spouse

[shinyblackhair]

Hey Ladies,

I was wondering if any of you have dealt with a man who suffers from depression. It appears as though my husband may be depressed. He has been off work since the end of September and is just at home...he just sits on the couch watching Maury and Judge So-and-So. He still blames me for all of his problems. Some of you may remember my past thread where I told you all about him wanting me to get a job and my driver's licence. Well, I took to heart everything he said and have tried my best to move past the hurtful and downright abusive things he has said to me. I just got my licence and on Monday I will be starting a course which will enable me to get a decent paying job. I have tried to hold up my end but, it's like he is sinking further and further down the hole.

Sometimes I question his depression because he tends to be motivated to do things outside of the home like going to the gym (we usually go together) or go do errands or whatever, but at home he is a total couch potato. He yells at our eldest daughter and tells her to go "help your mom" out. Um, she is a grade 9 student with homework and a life...she is not a homemaker in here. Yes, she needs to do chores, but don't yell at the child when we've both been here all day and she just came in from school.

I'm getting so fed up and disgusted by him. I know that sounds bad, but I've been supportive and I've held my tongue. If the shoe was on the other foot, he would be telling me I'm worthless and lazy, and lack ambition...I've been very gracious toward him and have not thrown anything in his face, yet he continues to take me for granted.

I don't know what to do...I even called my mom today and asked her. Her advice was to not let him drag me down. To do my course and start working. I can drive now so I can pick myself up and go where I want. She told me I should tell him that I love him, but that he needs to snap out of it, suck it up and go back to work. He has a family and needs to think about that. I don't know if I should really give him an ultamatum but, seeing him here is making me lose all Christian decorum. I was so mad at him on Sunday I was yelling and carrying on...taking out all the garbage and recycling myself while he just sat on the couch....ugh...

How evil is it to leave a depressed spouse. I know it's for better or worse, but I kinda feel he's milking this thing and he has never shown as much mercy and graciousness toward me as I have done. I've put up with a lot. This "depression" of his is exhausting me. I am doing everything around here while he skates by....

Any tips? Does this sound like he's depressed? What should I do? How can I help him? I am praying for him, but I feel that this depression is about to take me down as well. I have 4 kids to think about...

 

[natural2008]

Do you think he wants a divorce? You are improving yourself as he has requested and he is still unhappy??

 

[shinyblackhair]

That's why I'm so puzzled. I can't help but think that he not only doesn't want me, but he doesn't want his family. I feel that he is pushing me away. What other conclusion can I come to? I was feeling so good about getting my licence and starting school and I feel he is almost taking that as a chance to just do nothing. I said to him this afternoon, that his sleeping on the couch in the middle of the day (it was 12:25 in the afternoon!) is very unattractive. He replied that he is not trying to be attractive to me. He said that now since I can drive and going to school, I can go get someone that I find attractive. WTF? I was like dude - did you really just say that? Does he not realize or care that his whole family life is at stake? Marriage is a two way street and I can fix all the problems on my own.

 

[natural2008]

That's why I'm so puzzled. I can't help but think that he not only doesn't want me, but he doesn't want his family. I feel that he is pushing me away. What other conclusion can I come to? I was feeling so good about getting my licence and starting school and I feel he is almost taking that as a chance to just do nothing. I said to him this afternoon, that his sleeping on the couch in the middle of the day (it was 12:25 in the afternoon!) is very unattractive. He replied that he is not trying to be attractive to me. He said that now since I can drive and going to school, I can go get someone that I find attractive. WTF? I was like dude - did you really just say that? Does he not realize or care that his whole family life is at stake? Marriage is a two way street and I can fix all the problems on my own.

Oh dear. Please continue to feel good about your accomplishments as you are doing great. It is good to know how to drive and it is never ever to late to go back to school. I cannot believe he said, "he is not trying to be attractive and for you to find soemone who is attractive." That statement right there sounds like he does not care and is pushing you away and no longer wants to be married. I remember your other post and it just sounds like he wants to be free. It's hard. What are you going to do to keep yourself and your babies happy?

 

[Skyfall]

Dude is feeling sorry for himself and sounds a bit salty at your progress, even though he pushed for it. meh. go figure. I think he's just being childish and sulking.

 

[Transformer]

I think he's feeling pressed about the responsibility and not having a job. i think this is perfectly understandable. If the guy was all happy about being home, not working what would you think.

He's fell off the pedestal and is going through trying to adjust being on a different level. You've also shown initiated and it scares him.

 

[Guitarhero]

Hey Ladies,

I was wondering if any of you have dealt with a man who suffers from depression. It appears as though my husband may be depressed. He has been off work since the end of September and is just at home...he just sits on the couch watching Maury and Judge So-and-So. He still blames me for all of his problems. Some of you may remember my past thread where I told you all about him wanting me to get a job and my driver's licence. Well, I took to heart everything he said and have tried my best to move past the hurtful and downright abusive things he has said to me. I just got my licence and on Monday I will be starting a course which will enable me to get a decent paying job. I have tried to hold up my end but, it's like he is sinking further and further down the hole.

Sometimes I question his depression because he tends to be motivated to do things outside of the home like going to the gym (we usually go together) or go do errands or whatever, but at home he is a total couch potato. He yells at our eldest daughter and tells her to go "help your mom" out. Um, she is a grade 9 student with homework and a life...she is not a homemaker in here. Yes, she needs to do chores, but don't yell at the child when we've both been here all day and she just came in from school.

I'm getting so fed up and disgusted by him. I know that sounds bad, but I've been supportive and I've held my tongue. If the shoe was on the other foot, he would be telling me I'm worthless and lazy, and lack ambition...I've been very gracious toward him and have not thrown anything in his face, yet he continues to take me for granted.

I don't know what to do...I even called my mom today and asked her. Her advice was to not let him drag me down. To do my course and start working. I can drive now so I can pick myself up and go where I want. She told me I should tell him that I love him, but that he needs to snap out of it, suck it up and go back to work. He has a family and needs to think about that. I don't know if I should really give him an ultamatum but, seeing him here is making me lose all Christian decorum. I was so mad at him on Sunday I was yelling and carrying on...taking out all the garbage and recycling myself while he just sat on the couch....ugh...

How evil is it to leave a depressed spouse. I know it's for better or worse, but I kinda feel he's milking this thing and he has never shown as much mercy and graciousness toward me as I have done. I've put up with a lot. This "depression" of his is exhausting me. I am doing everything around here while he skates by....

Any tips? Does this sound like he's depressed? What should I do? How can I help him? I am praying for him, but I feel that this depression is about to take me down as well. I have 4 kids to think about...

Oh gawd...well, what I can tell you is that they will not get better if they don't get any help. And there are depressed people who don't cut down their spouses. That's the thing you need to really watch closely. I dealt with one and it was a combination of things, including a new culture far away from family...but that depression got worse and I ended the relationship because it was too out of control. But there were other nasty little things that just presented themselves and he got very ugly and nasty. Depression can bring out the true person...I swear. He's lost respect for you (maybe never truly had it).

Give him an ultimatum...either get a job and live up to this husband/fatherly responsibility or move out. Separate for awhile. First mandate that he get help, medical checkup and psychological. If he doesn't, he has to move out for awhile while you two decide which is the best way to proceed. He cannot live this way. You cannot live this way. And it's not evil at all, he's being the little spoiled devil. Jeez, this is a freaking depressed week...all kinds of awful women are dealing with. I fell you OP

 

[shinyblackhair]

^ yeah my mom told me to tell him to get back to work (he is still employed, he's just on "stress leave"). His sitting around the house helps no one. I've been on my feet all day and I just overheard him tell one of the kids to go ask me what's for dinner. Like seriously man! He's been watching tv. and napping all frikking day! Could he make a little something for the kids? No. He heats up some leftovers for his own self and sends them to me to deal with.

Question: How does one kick out her husband? LOL Seriously. He pays the bills in here for now, but how do I get him to leave? Like I need him to go away. Go stay at his friends or sisters or something. I can't take it...

 

[Guitarhero]

I misunderstood he was unemployed and not looking Well, be a little easier on him...but tell his butt to get to the doctor and get a checkup...dayum. How long is his stress leave? You should get yours when his ends and do just like him

 

[Transformer]

Well, sounds like he needs to get to the root cause of his stress...and stop making both of you miserable---whatever that might be.

 

[chelseatiara]

That's why I'm so puzzled. I can't help but think that he not only doesn't want me, but he doesn't want his family. I feel that he is pushing me away. What other conclusion can I come to? I was feeling so good about getting my licence and starting school and I feel he is almost taking that as a chance to just do nothing. I said to him this afternoon, that his sleeping on the couch in the middle of the day (it was 12:25 in the afternoon!) is very unattractive. He replied that he is not trying to be attractive to me. He said that now since I can drive and going to school, I can go get someone that I find attractive. WTF? I was like dude - did you really just say that? Does he not realize or care that his whole family life is at stake? Marriage is a two way street and I can fix all the problems on my own.

he sounds very jealous to me and that he thinks since your bettering yourself you might want a "better" new husband. maybe yall should talk to a counselor??

 

[hopeful]

You telling him to get back to work will make no difference. Keep improving yourself and start making plans to move on. Based on your previous posts, I'm sorry, but I think it really is over. He is depressed because he thinks he is in between a rock and a hard place. Seems to me that he wants to be completely free from you and the kids, but knows he will have a huge financial commitment to all of you for years. Focus on your and your kids' well-being and safety. You have given it your all. I didn't think it was possible that your situation could get much worse but it has. You cannot make this work alone. Marriage can be hard when both parties love each other and both want to be together. I know it's hard and it's breaking your heart. Try to hold onto the good memories and keep pressing forward for your and your kids' own good.

 

[MissMasala5]

My Dh had to deal with my depression. It was so difficult. It helped him a lot to attend some of my therapy sessions. He said things to the therapist that I heard for the first time. I'm sure he said those things to me before then, but I didn't hear him until the therapy session, know what I mean? I was going through hell, and was dragging him and my whole house with me. I am so thankful that he didn't give up on me! He could have.

I did see my physician, and had my situation diagnosed. I think this should be the first thing you and your SO should do. Find out what you're dealing with, and then decide on a course of action. Best to you and yours, OP.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

I just want you to know that Im so proud of you for your accomplishments!

 

[Keen]

Is he going to therapy for his stress? If he is on stress leave, does he job has any requirement for him to get help before going back work.

 

[MissJ]

He's not depressed. He wants out.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

He's not depressed. He wants out.

I swear I hate being the bearer of bad news but this is what I believe also. When OP improved herself in the areas that her DH was complaining about and he is STILL acting funky? If he still finds reasons to blame her after that, then IMO he just grasping at straws for a reason to split.

I hope I'm wrong.

 

[shinyblackhair]

he sounds very jealous to me and that he thinks since your bettering yourself you might want a "better" new husband. maybe yall should talk to a counselor??

I have asked him about going to counseling but, he says we can't afford it. Our Dr. has given him a prescription for antidepressants and he will be seeing a physchiatrist in about a week.

You telling him to get back to work will make no difference. Keep improving yourself and start making plans to move on. Based on your previous posts, I'm sorry, but I think it really is over. He is depressed because he thinks he is in between a rock and a hard place. Seems to me that he wants to be completely free from you and the kids, but knows he will have a huge financial commitment to all of you for years. Focus on your and your kids' well-being and safety. You have given it your all. I didn't think it was possible that your situation could get much worse but it has. You cannot make this work alone. Marriage can be hard when both parties love each other and both want to be together. I know it's hard and it's breaking your heart. Try to hold onto the good memories and keep pressing forward for your and your kids' own good.

Girl, I'm pressing forward and trying to not let this depression take me under...I'm so excited about school starting up! My neighbour and friend got all teary eyed when I told her that I finally feel like I'm progressing with my life.

My Dh had to deal with my depression. It was so difficult. It helped him a lot to attend some of my therapy sessions. He said things to the therapist that I heard for the first time. I'm sure he said those things to me before then, but I didn't hear him until the therapy session, know what I mean? I was going through hell, and was dragging him and my whole house with me. I am so thankful that he didn't give up on me! He could have.

I did see my physician, and had my situation diagnosed. I think this should be the first thing you and your SO should do. Find out what you're dealing with, and then decide on a course of action. Best to you and yours, OP.

My husband has seen our family Dr and has referred him to a psychiatrist whom he'll be meeting with next week. I feel slightly guilty because if my husband is truly depressed I'd hate to be the one kicking one when they are down - that's not in my character. Even though I know he would do it and has done it to me - he didn't leave me (yet) but never supported me through stress and PPD in the past.

I just want you to know that Im so proud of you for your accomplishments!

Thank you!!!!

Is he going to therapy for his stress? If he is on stress leave, does he job has any requirement for him to get help before going back work.

He's not in therapy. His work or rather insurance needs him to get the "all clear" before allowing him back to work.

He's not depressed. He wants out.

Giiirl....this is what I'm trying to figure out.

I swear I hate being the bearer of bad news but this is what I believe also. When OP improved herself in the areas that her DH was complaining about and he is STILL acting funky? If he still finds reasons to blame her after that, then IMO he just grasping at straws for a reason to split.

I hope I'm wrong.

I know...He is never satisfied...he wanted a motorcycle got it and is still unhappy....we went on a vacay in October for our 15th anniversary and he's saying he hates Canada and wants to move away someplace warm. he sleeps and sleeps and watches tv....ugh

I'll just keep "doing me" as they say and hope he decides to shape up.

 

[Bnster]

If you can sit down and when the kids are to bed and talk to him or let him talk why he is stressed out. Calmly state his behaviour is making you believe he doesn't want you and your children around and that in turn is making you unhappy. That we only live once on this earth and deserve once we earn it to be happy. If you and him are not working out then is separation is on his mind to figure things out. If not what does he want to do? If you guys can't work it out, there is no shame in getting a divorce and moving on.

 

[Bmack]

I am not sure he wants out...he may still want her to find a job. OP, I think you are on the right track, but with your kids and the financial load-perhaps you can look at atleast getting something part-time no? It would certainly help you feel better about urself and your independance.

 

[natural2008]

I swear I hate being the bearer of bad news but this is what I believe also. When OP improved herself in the areas that her DH was complaining about and he is STILL acting funky? If he still finds reasons to blame her after that, then IMO he just grasping at straws for a reason to split.

I hope I'm wrong.

Yelp, this is what I was saying above about OP improving herself for him and him still not being happy. It just doesn't add up.