Transformer
Well-Known Member
Dear Prudence,
Five years ago my best friend, “Jane,” started dating “Scott.” Eventually Jane and I fell out because I didn’t support their relationship. He was rude, often undermined her, and was a passionate Trump supporter. (Jane and I are not Trump supporters.) Recently they broke up, and Jane and I were subsequently able to make up. She told me that he’d been “acting bizarrely,” and discovered he frequented white supremacist forums online. Jane is Black. She learned he had claimed to his racist buddies that he was only with her for the money (she paid for everything), that he was disgusted by physical contact with her, and that he would never have children with her because it would taint his bloodline.
I decided to submit an anonymous tip to the FBI about Scott’s online involvement in white supremacy, hoping someone would keep tabs on him in case he ever escalated to violence. I stand by that decision and don’t regret it. But when Jane found out, she was furious, saying I should have trusted her to make the call. She has cut me out of her life. I’m disappointed because I truly value her friendship and did not do this to undermine her. I want to support my friend. Did I make the right call? What should I do?
—Neighborhood Watch
It may be cold comfort, but at least you have the gift of clarity in Jane’s rejection: There’s no way you can support her right now because she doesn’t want to talk to you. Some of her response may be inflected by embarrassment that the man she loved held her in such contempt and successfully hid it from her for so long. She may find it easier to take some of her anger out on you, since you’re a readier and safer target than her racist ex is. She may even now feel protective of him if she’s made a habit of defending him from her friends and family over the years, or she may be frustrated over what she sees as a lost opportunity for her to regain control of the situation. But you sound pretty secure in the choice you made. I think the only reason you’re worried you made the wrong call is because Jane is angry now, not because you’ve reassessed the possible threat Scott poses to others. Maybe if you had spoken about this with her before you made your report, things would be different, but there’s no guarantee of that. If she had told you “No, don’t send in the tip—he doesn’t really mean it” but you did it anyway, you two would have fallen out over the exact same thing. For now, the most you can do is think of Jane with compassion from a distance.
Five years ago my best friend, “Jane,” started dating “Scott.” Eventually Jane and I fell out because I didn’t support their relationship. He was rude, often undermined her, and was a passionate Trump supporter. (Jane and I are not Trump supporters.) Recently they broke up, and Jane and I were subsequently able to make up. She told me that he’d been “acting bizarrely,” and discovered he frequented white supremacist forums online. Jane is Black. She learned he had claimed to his racist buddies that he was only with her for the money (she paid for everything), that he was disgusted by physical contact with her, and that he would never have children with her because it would taint his bloodline.
I decided to submit an anonymous tip to the FBI about Scott’s online involvement in white supremacy, hoping someone would keep tabs on him in case he ever escalated to violence. I stand by that decision and don’t regret it. But when Jane found out, she was furious, saying I should have trusted her to make the call. She has cut me out of her life. I’m disappointed because I truly value her friendship and did not do this to undermine her. I want to support my friend. Did I make the right call? What should I do?
—Neighborhood Watch
It may be cold comfort, but at least you have the gift of clarity in Jane’s rejection: There’s no way you can support her right now because she doesn’t want to talk to you. Some of her response may be inflected by embarrassment that the man she loved held her in such contempt and successfully hid it from her for so long. She may find it easier to take some of her anger out on you, since you’re a readier and safer target than her racist ex is. She may even now feel protective of him if she’s made a habit of defending him from her friends and family over the years, or she may be frustrated over what she sees as a lost opportunity for her to regain control of the situation. But you sound pretty secure in the choice you made. I think the only reason you’re worried you made the wrong call is because Jane is angry now, not because you’ve reassessed the possible threat Scott poses to others. Maybe if you had spoken about this with her before you made your report, things would be different, but there’s no guarantee of that. If she had told you “No, don’t send in the tip—he doesn’t really mean it” but you did it anyway, you two would have fallen out over the exact same thing. For now, the most you can do is think of Jane with compassion from a distance.
This wasn't post getting reformed and seeing the error of his ways?
over as soon as they get a girlfriend. That's not to discount the ones who are just rotten to the core and can't wait to hurt a woman, but every group has factions within.
