Dating a Friend's Ex

jenny87

jenny87

New Member
So the other day I was talking to a friend's ex, Jake. We ran into each other while I was in town visiting my friend, Bianca. He mentioned that he was attracted to me and never said anything before because he was afraid to get his feelings hurt. I respectfully (and very politely) turned him down since he used to date Bianca. He then stated that was not fair and immature since he and Bianca are through with no hope/chance of getting back together and we should be free to date if we choose.

So question: in what circumstances, if any, is it okay to date a friend's ex?? And by ex, I mean the serious ex type--no remaining feelings on either side, no thoughts/wants to reconnect, and little to no contact between the two.

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If you and Bianca are close friends IMO it is never okay. And you must be pretty close if you were in town visiting her. And I don't like him calling your choice immature. Even if she says it's okay there are bound to be misunderstandings. And would you really want her sloppy seconds? He has a lot less to lose than you, much more upside for him. Your first instincts were correct.
 
hopeful said:
If you and Bianca are close friends IMO it is never okay. And you must be pretty close if you were in town visiting her. And I don't like him calling your choice immature. Even if she says it's okay there are bound to be misunderstandings. And would you really want her sloppy seconds? He has a lot less to lose than you, much more upside for him. Your first instincts were correct.
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Agreed! To add on how do you know he didnt have feelings for you when he was with your friend? You really want a guy like that? Plus it's gonna look like yall were fooling around while they were together even if yall weren't....
 
And also the thing is that he is done with Bianca, but you aren't, she is still your friend. He also knows this would hurt Bianca. He does not sound like a nice guy.
 
No, No, No, this is definitely a NoNo. Regardless to what folks say, It's never ok. If you care for Bianca, then it shouldn't be a question. He sounds dirty anyway, sounds like he's been checkin' for you the whole time. Which means he will do the same to you, for the next. In my parts, That's the "Code", No Ex's, Point Blank, Period. Notta! :nono:

ETA: Oh and him "Playin' on you Intelligence", by sayin' your immature, is part of his game, You betta know that! That's an insult, in itself! :perplexed
 
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Its never ok......too many problems can arise from that. And he's immature to think that its not a problem.

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Don't do it. He seems selfish and manipulative. He insults when he doesn't get what he wants. He will continue to do that. Also, your friend would be hurt, even if their relationship is dead. It's only human.
 
Me personally, No. I have a guy that I dated a while back and he used to date my friend. I didn't know because nobody told me. We eventually broke up and are still cool til this day. me and my friend are also closer than ever. (Mind you they weren't serious or anything) So it wasntt a big deal. Actually we laugh about it. :lachen:

I wouldn't but some people do. Depends on u and your friends friendship.. I never heard of this happening to anyone I know but I guess its possible.
 
He seems sketchy. Do you know why your friend broke up with him? How was their relationship?

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If you are an adult and it was someone that ur friend dated in HS then yeah,go for it...but if the relationship was fairly recent then NO...
 
I think the question of whether it is ok to date a friend's ex is irrelevant at this point.

The real things you should be asking yourself is...Do you want to become involved with a man that insults your intelligence instead of respecting your decision, and your ability to make mature, sound decisions?

Do you want to date a man that blatantly expressed his attraction to you when he was dating your best friend, and the only reason he didn't act on that attraction is because he, himself did not want to get hurt?

Take care of yourself first. Honor your standards, morals, and values FIRST before you start thinking about your friend. What is YOUR heart and soul telling you to do?
 
I don't want to date any of my friends ex's at all. No amount of candy cane is worth losing a friend over.
 
I'm not considering dating him at all, really. But him coming at me that way really made me think about doing that in general. People on here talk so much about finding a mate and what good men are out there, but as you get older it is harder to meet people and the people you do meet are more likely to be in your friend group or in an extension of it.

I would consider Bianca a close friend, but I didn't know him while they were together. They were together in high school and some of college, but they are both older than me. So it's not like he was checking for me while he was with her, he didn't know me then. And as far as getting his feelings hurt, he meant moreso me hurting them. I **think** (didn't really ask) he feels like it shouldn't matter to Bianca if she is off being happy with someone else.

Idk, it made me think about my ex's too. I'm sure at first it would make me feel some kind of way, but am I entitled to say they are off limits even when I don't want them anymore??

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I use the term 'friend' loosely and in cases where the girl and I weren't close at all, I might just do it. But if my friend and I were close, went through thick and thin, and are still in each others lives, no way.
 
jenny87 said:
Idk, it made me think about my ex's too. I'm sure at first it would make me feel some kind of way, but am I entitled to say they are off limits even when I don't want them anymore??
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IMO, no you aren't, and also imo, it would be selfish to do so. Everyone is attempting to find their slice of happiness. Far be it for me to dictate the list of people they can/cannot find it with.

I had a group of friends where one guy was seriously dating one girl for like 4 or 5 years while being good friends with another (purely friends). The two girls were also friends. Well he and first girl eventually break up and now he's engaged to the other girl. Sounds messy, but it's not. No one was messing around. No one betrayed anyone. The first relationship ended, period, and the new couple saw a lot of potential in turning their friendship into something more. They are incredibly happy and very right for one another.

I can only imagine that the first girl is hurt, but the other girl not dating/marrying her ex wouldn't bring that relationship back. I can understand if she doesn't want to be friends with the other girl anymore, but I don't think anything wrong was done.

I think people have to decide whether the current friendship is more valuable than the potential of the relationship. It's probably not wise to date friends' exes just for the heck of it.

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blackmaven said:
Ask you friend how she feels about YOU dating her ex since you are contemplating the idea....
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Exactly! Go ask her, let Bianca be your moral compass in this situation. If she's find with it then do you.

No, I can't dictate to my friends/family if they want to date my ex's. I can't control the actions of others. But for my circle of females, it is an unspoken rule.
 
Good question!
I think of it like this, is this person worth possibly losing a friendship?

Seriously if it's just a girl you know because she's best friends with you aunts friends daughter then go for it, but if she is your homegirl from way back then it's code, and once u cross that line there's no going back!
 
jenny87 said:
So the other day I was talking to a friend's ex, Jake. We ran into each other while I was in town visiting my friend, Bianca. He mentioned that he was attracted to me and never said anything before because he was afraid to get his feelings hurt. I respectfully (and very politely) turned him down since he used to date Bianca. He then stated that was not fair and immature since he and Bianca are through with no hope/chance of getting back together and we should be free to date if we choose.

So question: in what circumstances, if any, is it okay to date a friend's ex?? And by ex, I mean the serious ex type--no remaining feelings on either side, no thoughts/wants to reconnect, and little to no contact between the two.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2
Click to expand...

Why would you even consider something like that? You didn't put that she is your ex friend. This is why some women can't keep women friends because they have friends that want their sloppy seconds. Just think of him as an after thought. While it may be flattering, there are too many fish in the sea to be worried about this one. I know your self esteem not that bad to think you can't attract someone else. I have a strict "no friends or family" when it comes to dating. If he didn't pick me first then get the hell on. :look:
 
Leesh said:
No, No, No, this is definitely a NoNo. Regardless to what folks say, It's never ok. If you care for Bianca, then it shouldn't be a question. He sounds dirty anyway, sounds like he's been checkin' for you the whole time. Which means he will do the same to you, for the next. In my parts, That's the "Code", No Ex's, Point Blank, Period. Notta! :nono:

ETA: Oh and him "Playin' on you Intelligence", by sayin' your immature, is part of his game, You betta know that! That's an insult, in itself! :perplexed
Click to expand...

Right!! People got the game twisted. Now I know why women was on Jerry Springer pulling weave out their former friend's head over a guy. :lachen:
 
evsbaby said:
If a guy has been with a friend or family member then he is off limits to me.
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I never understand people that want to go behind friends or family members and sample their leftovers. lmao In my opinion, it says a lot about their character.
 
Someone who I am no longer in a relationship is not my "leftovers". If I feel that way about somebody it only indicates that I have little respect for them and can only think about them in light of how I used them. If my exes are sloppy seconds, then all the more reason I shouldn't care who they date after me.

Thankfully I have never had to deal with this situation on either side, but I take exception to the language being used. Relationships don't work out for a variety of reasons. It's not always that dirt was being done or that someone got hurt. Why people choose to be possessive over someone they obviously don't want is beyond me.

Sent from my LS670 using LS670
 
I do not recommend. I had a friend that did this to a mutual friend of ours. The way she went about it made be realize that she would have totally done the same thing to me without a second thought. It may not seem serious to some but it showed me character that bothered me in a "close" friend. At the end of the day she not only lost the friend whose ex she dated but me and another mutual friend saw her differently as well. The relationship fell off. She's more of an acquaintance now. When all was said and done that relationship only lasted for a few months.

Only do this if you feel like you're in love with the man and you can deal with your friendship ending.
 
Nope not my style. Recycling dudes is not for me. I have always been against dating a friends ex bf. I don't care how long it's been- I'm not going there.
 
Only do it if you don’t mind being on the receiving end of the “Skank-Eye” from his family, his friends, your family, your friends, and anyone else who ever learns of his dating history.
 
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