Clubbing without you

[Sosoothing]

If this has been addressed before kindly direct me to the thread please. I searched and found nothing.

I am currently having a hard time taking one of my suitors seriously because he sees no problem with going to the club or parties with his "boys" while he is in a committed relationship or married.
It just seems inappropriate to me. I have no problem with him hanging out with his friends but surely there are other activities in other venues to engage in.

At 40 years old, I would expect that the need to go clubbing and/or partying like that would have dwindled significantly.

This is one of those things I can't compromise on. We all have our idiosyncrasies as it was brought to my attention that this is normal behaviour in many relationships and I may be just uptight. However, I was just curious to see what other women thought and felt about this.

 

[vevster]

I tend to agree with you. Most of the guys I know that are in solid marriages / relationships don't club like that.

 

[hopeful]

He's not the one for you. Most married couples I know do not go out to clubs. A few do, but most don't. DH and I don't go to clubs separately like that. But we have just always been in agreement on the matter. Maybe meet a friend for a drink and a bite to eat. But a full on club with music and dancing? I'm sure he can find a party girl who won't mind him clubbing and you can find a guy who agrees with you. Save yourself the heartache.

 

[Mai Tai]

I understand how you feel. How often is he going out to party? Is he responsible? Does he treat you well otherwise? I don't think you should completely write him off depending on how you answer these questions.

If he's going to have drinks with his friends and have a good time, I necessarily don't see a problem with it. I love going out with my girls. We go to clubs, bars, lounges...have drinks, and dance. I may strike up a conversation with a man, but there is no flirting or number exchange.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I truly feel that life is waaaaay too short to police the whereabouts of an otherwise trustworthy, honest, respectful and committed person. Now I am not sure if your love interest is all of these things, but look at it like this, if he wanted to flirt, cheat, or whatever, limiting his outings to clubs with his friends won't keep him from doing it.

I would be pissed if my man told me where I could and could not go, and I would never let any person have that type of control over me. I am in a serious relationship, and even when we get married, we both know that we will still be able to go out and have fun. We already have TONS of fun together but we also respect each other's space by realizing that sometimes, you just want to hang out with the gang.

I feel when we try to keep a tight, controlling grip on people we never give them a chance to think and act for themselves. We never give them a chance to show us how they conduct themselves when we are not around.

Now this is just MY opinion, and this is what works for me and MY relationship. We are both happy and it is up to you for you and your SO to set ground rules that make YOU ALL happy.

 

[Sosoothing]

Mai Tai, I actually see where you are coming from and can appreciate that this type of arrangement (the one you describe) can work for some relationships.

Actually, he is has good qualities. The partying/clubbing is the only thing I have a problem with. And I know myself. We would never be happy in a relationship because I would never be okay with it. He has no problem with me going out in the same manner with my girlfriends. But I don't want to go out with my girlfriends like that if Im in a relationship. I do other things with my friends and skip the club when Im in a relationship.

I also have no problem going together once in a while. Im having a hard time being okay with him going out by himself or with his guy friends.

And of course he too has expressed what you have, as far as if he wants to misbehave he will do so whether he is in the club or not. But that type of setting can increase the likelyhood of inappropriate behavior in my opinion.

 

[Sosoothing]

He's not the one for you. Most married couples I know do not go out to clubs. A few do, but most don't. DH and I don't go to clubs separately like that. But we have just always been in agreement on the matter. Maybe meet a friend for a drink and a bite to eat. But a full on club with music and dancing? I'm sure he can find a party girl who won't mind him clubbing and you can find a guy who agrees with you. Save yourself the heartache.

Thanks Hopeful. I pretty much reached this conclusion the first time we talked about this issue with the gentleman.

 

[Mai Tai]

Mai Tai, I actually see where you are coming from and can appreciate that this type of arrangement (the one you describe) can work for some relationships.

Actually, he is has good qualities. The partying/clubbing is the only thing I have a problem with. And I know myself. We would never be happy in a relationship because I would never be okay with it. He has no problem with me going out in the same manner with my girlfriends. But I don't want to go out with my girlfriends like that if Im in a relationship. I do other things with my friends and skip the club when Im in a relationship.

I also have no problem going together once in a while. Im having a hard time being okay with him going out by himself or with his guy friends.

And of course he too has expressed what you have, as far as if he wants to misbehave he will do so whether he is in the club or not. But that type of setting can increase the likelyhood of inappropriate behavior in my opinion.

I think you said some very key words in this whole post, and that's... "I know myself."

I don't think many women really know themselves, and end up going along with things just because the man feels it's appropriate.

I think it's great that you are sticking to your guns and I know that you will find someone who shares the same values as you do.

 

[Lucie]

I would not be comfortable with it, thus eliminating him from serious consideration.

 

[MCMLXXXIV]

I think you said some very key words in this whole post, and that's... "I know myself."

I don't think many women really know themselves, and end up going along with things just because the man feels it's appropriate.

I think it's great that you are sticking to your guns and I know that you will find someone who shares the same values as you do.

^^^^what Mai Tai said....I'm on her side

 

[jazzerz]

This was the biggest problem I had with my ex (that led to many other problems). I should have gotten out sooner than I did because for me this was a deal breaker. When I tried to look overlook it and be the "trusting" girlfriend, I ended up driving myself crazy with what ifs.

I'm glad you know what you do and don't want. As a previous poster said: stick to your guns on this one.

 

[sunnieb]

Hmmm...

At 40, I would hope he'd either choose a sports bar, pool hall, or jazz club to hang out with his friends. I'd have a problem if he's going to those teeny bopper clubs where everybody is 25 and under.

I personally don't care where my husband goes. If he tells me that he's going out with his friends, cool. He doesn't go every weekend, so I'm glad he gets out every once in a while. He always answers his phone (even though I rarely call), and he's home at a decent hour. I know that sounds strange to some. I told him point blank that if he screws off on me, I'm gone. At our age, I just don't have the time or patience to deal with that ish.

I just know that if a man wants to get into trouble, it doesn't matter if he's clubbin' or going to the store to pick up bread. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

 

[Rastafarai]

I understand how you feel. How often is he going out to party? Is he responsible? Does he treat you well otherwise? I don't think you should completely write him off depending on how you answer these questions.

If he's going to have drinks with his friends and have a good time, I necessarily don't see a problem with it. I love going out with my girls. We go to clubs, bars, lounges...have drinks, and dance. I may strike up a conversation with a man, but there is no flirting or number exchange.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I truly feel that life is waaaaay too short to police the whereabouts of an otherwise trustworthy, honest, respectful and committed person. Now I am not sure if your love interest is all of these things, but look at it like this, if he wanted to flirt, cheat, or whatever, limiting his outings to clubs with his friends won't keep him from doing it.

I would be pissed if my man told me where I could and could not go, and I would never let any person have that type of control over me. I am in a serious relationship, and even when we get married, we both know that we will still be able to go out and have fun. We already have TONS of fun together but we also respect each other's space by realizing that sometimes, you just want to hang out with the gang.

I feel when we try to keep a tight, controlling grip on people we never give them a chance to think and act for themselves. We never give them a chance to show us how they conduct themselves when we are not around.

Now this is just MY opinion, and this is what works for me and MY relationship. We are both happy and it is up to you for you and your SO to set ground rules that make YOU ALL happy.

This is what works for my relationship as well. Also, whenever he goes out with his boys (be it at a club and/or sports bar), I'm always invited. I respect my man's need to have a balanced social life with or without me.

 

[topnotch1010]

Hmmm...

At 40, I would hope he'd either choose a sports bar, pool hall, or jazz club to hang out with his friends. I'd have a problem if he's going to those teeny bopper clubs where everybody is 25 and under.

I personally don't care where my husband goes. If he tells me that he's going out with his friends, cool. He doesn't go every weekend, so I'm glad he gets out every once in a while. He always answers his phone (even though I rarely call), and he's home at a decent hour. I know that sounds strange to some. I told him point blank that if he screws off on me, I'm gone. At our age, I just don't have the time or patience to deal with that ish.

I just know that if a man wants to get into trouble, it doesn't matter if he's clubbin' or going to the store to pick up bread. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

Right. I think it's good for everyone to get out and have fun every now and then. It's when it's every weekend that it's a problem.

I hope you find happiness. If this is a problem, break it off. You both deserve to be with someone with common ideas of what's normal and acceptable within a relationship.

 

[Ganjababy]

I grew up seeing men in my neighbourhood going to clubs or parties all spruced up and smelling sickeningly sweet of old spice while leaving the little woman behind to watch the kids.

I vowed that I would never be that "little woman."

To each his own, and if the woman is comfortable with it then fine. However, if she is not then don't put up with it. Before I got married I told my DH that I did not feel comfortable with that and if he felt that he needed to go out partying without me willy nilly then he was not ready for marriage with me (he was a party animal and he loves his music). He also came from a family where the wife stayed at home (his mother) while his father went gallivanting wherever he wished.

He did not seem happy with my stance at first, then I told him that if it was so important to him Then I would get my girls and go partying every weekend too. Suddenly, going out partying with his boys was not an issue. I don't mind him going to stag do's etc, or going somewhere on his own because I cannot make it or don't want to go, but I don't like the idea of my man going out leaving me at home as if he is single.

 

[Thiends]

This is what works for my relationship as well. Also, whenever he goes out with his boys (be it at a club and/or sports bar), I'm always invited. I respect my man's need to have a balanced social life with or without me.

I don't think the issue here is maintaining a balanced social life. There are many age-appropriate ways to maintain a balanced social life. The issue I see is what exactly the mindset of a 40 year old man who is still clubbing must be. I'm not anywhere near his age and even I consider clubbing to be immature and so college. There's immaturity at work here and it wouldn't be a problem if he was with an equally immature woman. If, however, Sosoothing is on to adult things, then there's not a place for this fellow in her life. Peter Pans should stick with Tinkerbells. I know that, personally, I would lose respect for a man that old who is still going clubbing and hanging out with men who think similarly.

 

[MissNina]

I'm not married nor am I even 30, but I think it ultimately comes down to your limitations. Everyone's limit is different. For ME, at this stage in my life, I wouldn't care. I think Mai Tai explained her view and it is very similar to mine so I won't go into it, but it's not a biggie unless he wants to go all the time. Since you feel it's a deal breaker, I think you're very smart for not trying to trick yourself into thinking it's not a big deal. Almost admirable Good luck to you.

 

[itismehmmkay]

I wouldn't like it.

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Sky]

If this has been addressed before kindly direct me to the thread please. I searched and found nothing.

I am currently having a hard time taking one of my suitors seriously because he sees no problem with going to the club or parties with his "boys" while he is in a committed relationship or married.
It just seems inappropriate to me. I have no problem with him hanging out with his friends but surely there are other activities in other venues to engage in.

At 40 years old, I would expect that the need to go clubbing and/or partying like that would have dwindled significantly.

This is one of those things I can't compromise on. We all have our idiosyncrasies as it was brought to my attention that this is normal behaviour in many relationships and I may be just uptight. However, I was just curious to see what other women thought and felt about this.

As others have said I think its good that you stick with what you feel inside and be honest with yourself. This is important, especially at the beginning of the relationship because he is being honest about his desire to go clubbing and if that does change it will be his own doing.

For me, it depends on the circumstances. For example my dh has gone to birthday parties that have been at clubs which his friends have thrown or has taken his younger brother for his 21st birthday to a club and has also gone to bachelor parties and I've had friends who said " you let him go???" I am like are you serious - I am going to tell a grown man he cant go to a bachelor party?? Okaayyy...

In my situation there were specific circumstances that occurred and happen to be at a club. However, I would be uncomfortable with him saying " I just feel like going out next weekend and I think I want to go to club Y without you" that would be a problem for me. But like many have said if a man wants to cheat he most *certainly* doesnt need to go to a club to do it - but some woman just think the thought of going to a club is disrespectful in itself and I understand that. You have to do what's right for you.

 

[lennet93]

I am married and DH and I both go clubbing every now and then. Sometimes we go together or separately with our friends. Mai Tai pretty much summed up my what I was going to say You have to do what works for you. If clubbing is a total deal breaker for you then there is no need to continue being involved with him.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

I notice this all too common here. I think it's location and priorities that will make or break this situation. I just don't understand how these 40-50 years old can spend so much time and money in the club. Let him go cause you'll have atleast 5-8 more years of this behavior. It's not gonna stop. It's some people at 35-50 make up for lost time because they were either not "HOT or didn't have the money to do it when they were in their 20's.