Classic case: woman ready, man dragging his feet

brittle_hair

brittle_hair

Well-Known Member
If you had a friend who was in a happy relationship but the man hadn't proposed in 3 and a half years - they met when she was 26 and a half and she's now about to turn 30 in a few months, plus she lives with the dude (moved in 6 months ago) - what would your advice be for her? Wait patiently for him to be ready, or call it quits?

Bearing in mind she has brought up the subject but he insists he wants to do things in his own time to get finances more on track, even though he has enough money for a wedding, give or take a small amount which they can both save in a matter of a few months...
 
Oh no........ Another explosive LHCF subject..

I'd tell her to move out before she falls pregnant and move back in after he's put a ring on it. Or move on.

I'm sure this is going to be the standard answer, I'm sure you know that..
 
It's plausible that he really does just want to do things on his own time. There are men who are like that, and I know some of them. But, IMHO (and even in consideration of what I just said)...he's just not that into her. It doesn't take a lot of money to get married. If he really wanted to marry her, he would take her to the courthouse (I don't remember what it's really called) and do it there, and have a bigger ceremony when he can "afford" it.
 
Been together 3 years, already living with each other. He sounds like he is comfortable with the way things are.
 
He is not that into her. They live together so they do have money to co-habitate. So, they only need money for a license, gas to get there, bands and a new outfit. Most people that get married don't have the most money. But as they build a life together their finances improve.
 
Ok, seems to be a clear concesus so far - Lucie the appartment they live in is far from flash, so i guess a new house is another one of the things he needs to get his finances in order for...
 
Unpopular opinion but I say let her live her life. She ain't that unhappy with the situation or SHE would have left or decided to start dating around. If she starts pushing him to marry her-- he just might ask -- and then she has to deal with the "you pressured me" "I wasn't ready" etc etc convos later on which will cause more friction. If she has a good man who is honestly trying to get his life together before marriage-- I applaud that. When he's ready he'll ask. I'd much rather a man ask me when he's ready opposed to be able to say he was pressured. If money isn't an issue and he hasn't asked then he's just not ready yet and no matter what anyone says, she can't make him get ready. I feel that's a major problem now, women "strongly encourage" push, drop ultimatums on men to marry them and then act all shock when they start having marital problems. People have to stop putting a time limit on things. I'm quick to tell people I was with DH for 5 years before marriage but I def would have waited a little longer if I could do it over. When enough is enough for her, she'll leave.
 
She asked you what to do?

IMO she gave up her power when she moved in with him after three years without a ring and a definite plan for moving forward as a couple. If she asked you then I'd advise that she initiate a conversation - not an ultimatum -but a real convo that's results in him being more forthcoming than "I have a plan I'm not sharing with you". If its really about his "being ready" she should see if his actions match his words.

For example if he says he wants to have $XYZ for down payment on house after marriage but he's still spending money and savings account isn't building up then she has her answer.

I agree with oneprettypa - unless she asked let her live her life but SHE needs to make sure her actions match up to what she wants. If she wanted marriage now she should not have moved in with him.
 
sunnieb said:
Did she ask you for advice?
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And honestly even if she did ask, I wouldn't give it to her. Not sure there's any way for the OP to win here. I'd tell her to trust her gut and do what she thinks is best. In the end, she's going to do what she wants to do. She should have come to you before she moved in with him. Bet she didn't ask your advice then.
 
She hasn't specifically asked but she commented on the fact that a couple of people we know that have been together for a much shorter time - 18 months to 2 years are now engaged/married, so I know it's on her mind.
 
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hopeful said:
And honestly even if she did ask, I wouldn't give it to her. Not sure there's any way for the OP to win here. I'd tell her to trust her gut and do what she thinks is best. In the end, she's going to do what she wants to do. She should have come to you before she moved in with him. Bet she didn't ask your advice then.
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hopeful - Girl you read my mind! :grin:

Even if my friend asked, I would offer support, but no opinion either way.

I don't get in folk relationships - married or not. :look:

The bolded is an excellent point. :yep:
 
brittle_hair said:
Ok, seems to be a clear concesus so far - @Lucie the appartment they live in is far from flash, so i guess a new house is another one of the things he needs to get his finances in order for...
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But they already live together. Makes no sense to say you'll marry when you get a better place. And I agree that even though its on her mind, you should stay out of it.
 
Nothing to tell her. Let grown folks do what grown folks do.

IMHO she is really trying to rush this. I would not have moved in with dude.
 
I think the idea of, "oh if he wanted to, he would take her to the courthouse", is silly. Some people are ok with that, but some people WOULD NOT want a courthouse wedding. AT ALL. He could genuinely want to save up or he may not be into her, but it's hard to tell. She shouldn't have moved in, though.
 
He's not that into her. We keep going over the same principles over and over again. Yes it's highly possible that he wants a big wedding but it's more likely that he is comfortable and it's clear marriage wasn't her priority. I would not say a word...even if she asks. I lost good friends by answering this question honestly. I think women often know they are deluding themselves but don't want to accept reality.
Let me tell you, if he were serious he could have approached her like this: I know you are the one and I want to build a good life with you. It's important for me to make sure certain things are in place before we take the next step. I'd like to move in together and was hoping we could work towards these financial goals by following XYZ plan.
By moving in prematurely she has already signaled marriage is not her priority. Furthermore, if she wants children she is letting a man use up her valuable years by spinning her wheels. It's really sad how many educated women I see this happen to in our community. The thing that makes me scratch my head most is that they will get solid advice from someone married and disregard it to listen to what a bunch of single women are telling them. It's so sad.
 
Ok, so actually - I’m "the friend" - had a hissy fit at him about the whole marriage thing a few days ago, then this morning i ended up suggesting we break up mainly based on the overwhelming ‘he’s not that into you’ comments most of you fed back - at which point he told me that he had planned to send me to Paris with a friend who’s number he got out of my phone. Then he was gonna turn up and propose, plus he said that he had called our landlord, who is a friend of his, to ask about where to get the ring - i guess i ruined it. Whoops...!
 
brittle_hair said:
Ok, so actually - I’m "the friend" - had a hissy fit at him about the whole marriage thing a few days ago, then this morning i ended up suggesting we break up mainly based on the overwhelming ‘he’s not that into you’ comments most of you fed back - at which point he told me that he had planned to send me to Paris with a friend who’s number he got out of my phone. Then he was gonna turn up and propose, plus he said that he had called our landlord, who is a friend of his, to ask about where to get the ring - i guess i ruined it. Whoops...!
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.......... Err sorry :/

Make things right, tell him a bunch of friends had you anxious about your situation hence your behavior :look:
 
I guess he'll have to think up another way to do it.

I don't regret speaking up cos now i know. (Still think he could have executed about a year earlier though, save me having an anxiety attack!)
 
brittle_hair said:
Ok, so actually - I’m "the friend" - had a hissy fit at him about the whole marriage thing a few days ago, then this morning i ended up suggesting we break up mainly based on the overwhelming ‘he’s not that into you’ comments most of you fed back - at which point he told me that he had planned to send me to Paris with a friend who’s number he got out of my phone. Then he was gonna turn up and propose, plus he said that he had called our landlord, who is a friend of his, to ask about where to get the ring - i guess i ruined it. Whoops...!
Click to expand...

Sorry this happened to you. Just goes to show you that listening to other women talk about men and their behaviour is not always the best idea. Women think a little differently, so you may end up getting a mirror of what you already feel vs. a different perspective. This, "he's just not that into you" thing is very much a cultural phenomenon (movie/book) and is NOT the answer to every relationship problem.

I'm glad you spoke up and know what's up now, but I think more than anything you and your man need to communicate better. It's cool that he was trying to surprise you, but he could have reassured you better, so that it didn't leave you feeling the way you did. Good Luck with everything:yep:!
 
brittle_hair said:
If you had a friend who was in a happy relationship but the man hadn't proposed in 3 and a half years - they met when she was 26 and a half and she's now about to turn 30 in a few months, plus she lives with the dude (moved in 6 months ago) - what would your advice be for her? Wait patiently for him to be ready, or call it quits?

Bearing in mind she has brought up the subject but he insists he wants to do things in his own time to get finances more on track, even though he has enough money for a wedding, give or take a small amount which they can both save in a matter of a few months...
Click to expand...
My advice to YOU would be to avoid giving advice to HER. No matter what she says, she's not going to want to hear you tell her to leave. Don't waste your breath because she's just going to argue with you on all the reasons she just needs to let him move at his own speed. It's 2013. By now there shouldn't be a woman at that age who doesn't recognize that a man like that is merely dragging his feet. And if she doesn't recognize it, then she's going to find out the hard way. But do yourself a favor and stay out of it. It won't do any good.
 
Kurlee said:
Sorry this happened to you. Just goes to show you that listening to other women talk about men and their behaviour is not always the best idea. Women think a little differently, so you may end up getting a mirror of what you already feel vs. a different perspective. This, "he's just not that into you" thing is very much a cultural phenomenon (movie/book) and is NOT the answer to every relationship problem.

I'm glad you spoke up and know what's up now, but I think more than anything you and your man need to communicate better. It's cool that he was trying to surprise you, but he could have reassured you better, so that it didn't leave you feeling the way you did. Good Luck with everything:yep:!
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I agree with you on the communication thing - cos there are definitely things he could have said to be more reassuring - i think he could have more firmly said "trust me, i have it all planned" and even given me a certain look, and i probably would have shut up and left it at that. Also my suggestion that my birthday should be combined with an engagment party (i know i left that bit out) was probably also taking it a step too far - he doesn't like to be told how/when to do things like that, which meant he was resisting against the whole thing even more...
 
brittle_hair said:
I agree with you on the communication thing - cos there are definitely things he could have said to be more reassuring - i think he could have more firmly said "trust me, i have it all planned" and even given me a certain look, and i probably would have shut up and left it at that. Also my suggestion that my birthday should be combined with an engagment party (i know i left that bit out) was probably also taking it a step too far - he doesn't like to be told how/when to do things like that, which meant he was resisting against the whole thing even more...
Click to expand...

Communication is tough in all relationships, but I definitely agree with you that he could have reassured you better. I sometimes think men get so caught up in their own heads/plans that they "forget" that you're on the other side. Update us on what he thought of for the proposal :grin:!
 
Is there actual proof that he had taken the steps to do this stuff or is he just saying that now to run a guilt trip and take advantage of the situation?
 
nathansgirl1908 said:
Is there actual proof that he had taken the steps to do this stuff or is he just saying that now to run a guilt trip and take advantage of the situation?
Click to expand...

Tbh - that did cross my mind.. since the whole convo started on new year's day, he may have got thinking about this on the 2nd or 3rd... but even if he's only now pulling his socks up, it may just be because he's only just realised how important it is to me, whereas before he thought it could be on the backburner.

This is the first time that i've admitted that turning 30 means i want to get married. I've alwalys been semi-chilled about it and never had a full on rant about it before...
 
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