I have been with my boyfriend on and off for 8 years. We met in algebra class and its been on since. We were on and off for years because I was going to college and he wanted to sell drugs. We broke up and got back together years later when he stop selling drugs and had a steady job. We started living together a year ago and things havent been the same. We just had a child together. The problem is his finances and child like behavior. We have been to the collection agency twice for rent, he has a car that works when it wants to, and he doesnt help out around the house, and he makes poor decision about his money. When we moved in together he agreed to pay rent cause i was working part-time and i would cover everything else. He agreed saying he could afford it. He bought a pit bull puppy when i was nine months pregnant and now I have double *hit I have to clean up, and when he worked overtime he spent the extra money on a xbox 360 when his car is messed up and I have to take our 1 month old son back and forth to his job to pick him up everyday since he has no money to get his car fixed. I love him and I want this to work but we r opposite with our finance. I pay my bills on time and save money. Can this relationship work? What do I need to do?
Can finacnes ruin a relationship?
- Thread starter sexy c
- Start date
true but we are not married i was just thinking of keeping our finances separte on everything and not include him on nothing.
Sosoothing
Well-Known Member
I dont think you are mistaken.
This was a real problem in my marriage as well so I can only imagine how it can be just as hard in a relationship where partners are living together. I learned way too late that we should have made sure we were on the same page as far as spending and saving BEFORE we started a life together.
winterinatl
All natural!
Are you the lady that just had my ex's baby??
J/K sweety, but really, there is sooo much going on here, besides the finances. It is not the finances that is the problem, it is HIM. Your money troubles will not end until he changes - and only he can decide to do that. You have compounded the issue by deciding to cohabitate, meaning, you are compounding your frustration.
There was a really great article that pointed out that when people cohabitate, they often don't pool finances - they are more likely to view their money as their own and not a pooled resource. Leading to silliness like your man buying ish that ain't got nothing to do with no baby and a PITT BULL PUPPY?
I suggest you suggest to him that now that you all are living together, you should control the finances. Hopefully he is not viewing the situation as just a convenience, and will see the wisdom in this. But he will probably have and issue with handing all the money over to you. It's worth a try.
Or, you might keep a spending journal (keep your and his reciepts) and go over them with him at the end of the month. You didn't try to change anything yet, but maybe hard facts and numbers will jog him? Good luck!
J/K sweety, but really, there is sooo much going on here, besides the finances. It is not the finances that is the problem, it is HIM. Your money troubles will not end until he changes - and only he can decide to do that. You have compounded the issue by deciding to cohabitate, meaning, you are compounding your frustration.
There was a really great article that pointed out that when people cohabitate, they often don't pool finances - they are more likely to view their money as their own and not a pooled resource. Leading to silliness like your man buying ish that ain't got nothing to do with no baby and a PITT BULL PUPPY?
I suggest you suggest to him that now that you all are living together, you should control the finances. Hopefully he is not viewing the situation as just a convenience, and will see the wisdom in this. But he will probably have and issue with handing all the money over to you. It's worth a try.
Or, you might keep a spending journal (keep your and his reciepts) and go over them with him at the end of the month. You didn't try to change anything yet, but maybe hard facts and numbers will jog him? Good luck!
Integrity
Active Member
Based on the questions you have proposed I feel prompted to ask you what your love for him is based on? For what reason do you need him in your life, he does not seem to contribute anything based on what you wrote. I would be VERY concerned if the father of my child was behaving in such a manner! Where is the man in the house; who is the man?!? What you need to do is definitely sit down with him and discuss your earnings and expenditure. You need to be on the same page otherwise I can say with almost certainty that this RLP cannot work! You guys are not married so do keep your saving safe and tight for the future because he does not seem responsible at all and you and your child may definitely need it. Forgive me if I sound so harsh but this sort of thing really gets to my soul
MissJ
Well-Known Member
What is it with women and drug dealers? This man has already shown that she doesn't mind going to prison. Also, how did he afford a pit bull, when he can't afford to pay the bills? And XBox 360? Sounds like my ex who just bought one, well his mama bought it for him. 
I'd say there are several problems with this guy, and it's not all about money. It's about who he is as a person.
It seems to me that if a man needs money, he will always find a legitimate way to get it. I dated one guy like that, and whenever he or I (not often) needed money, he'd work doubly hard for it and always manage to pull something off.
The other guy I dated would always find a way to get money... from some woman, be it his mother, his grandmother, his aunt, or me. When I got hip to the game, I was disgusted.
I'd much rather be with the former type person than the latter. It seems to me like your boyfriend needs to grow up and face his responsibilities.
I'd say there are several problems with this guy, and it's not all about money. It's about who he is as a person.It seems to me that if a man needs money, he will always find a legitimate way to get it. I dated one guy like that, and whenever he or I (not often) needed money, he'd work doubly hard for it and always manage to pull something off.
The other guy I dated would always find a way to get money... from some woman, be it his mother, his grandmother, his aunt, or me. When I got hip to the game, I was disgusted.
I'd much rather be with the former type person than the latter. It seems to me like your boyfriend needs to grow up and face his responsibilities.
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Integrity
Active Member
What is it with women and drug dealers? This man has already shown that she doesn't mind going to prison. Also, how did he afford a pit bull, when he can't afford to pay the bills? And XBox 360? Sounds like my ex who just bought one, well his mama bought it for him.
I second the essence of your post. There seemed to be unequal yoking right from the beginning!
Vanity1
Well-Known Member
I normally do not post in the relationship area but.....
If you have to ask, sweetie, you know the answer is yes.
You two do not mesh well in this area, and it does not sound like he is only financially irresponsible, but just irresponsible in general. A man should put his family first and do what he needs to do to do so. People try to negotiate that and reason with it and all, but that is just the bottom line.
I won't suggest what you should do, but unless you want to live with someone who is driving you into a hole when you can do that on your own, you already know what you need to do. A woman can do bad on her own.
I pray that you will do what is best for you and your child in the long run.
If you have to ask, sweetie, you know the answer is yes.
You two do not mesh well in this area, and it does not sound like he is only financially irresponsible, but just irresponsible in general. A man should put his family first and do what he needs to do to do so. People try to negotiate that and reason with it and all, but that is just the bottom line.
I won't suggest what you should do, but unless you want to live with someone who is driving you into a hole when you can do that on your own, you already know what you need to do. A woman can do bad on her own.
I pray that you will do what is best for you and your child in the long run.
mrsjohnson75
Well-Known Member
You should move out and get a place that you can afford on your own. Tell him that he needs to get his finances together. In the mean time, he needs to get his money right, take care of his pit bull puppy (that a 1 mth old baby should not be around IMO), and find a way to get back and forth to work on his own.....this will help him into becoming a man. If he does all of this then you can think about living together again. Just please don't let him mess your credit up or hinder you from saving money because your priority is taking care of your baby and yourself. He needs to grow up. Good luck!
ETA : to answer the original question,...yes finances can ruin a relationship. Also, I hope I didn't come off as harsh but I have seen the same things happen to a couple of my friends and I don't want it to happen to you
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ETA : to answer the original question,...yes finances can ruin a relationship. Also, I hope I didn't come off as harsh but I have seen the same things happen to a couple of my friends and I don't want it to happen to you
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Integrity
Active Member
You should move out and get a place that you can afford on your own. Tell him that he needs to get his finances together. In the mean time, he needs to get his money right, take care of his pit bull puppy (that a 1 mth old baby should not be around IMO), and find a way to get back and forth to work on his own.....this will help him into becoming a man. If he does all of this then you can think about living together again. Just please don't let him mess your credit up or hinder you from saving money because your priority is taking care of your baby and yourself. He needs to grow up. Good luck!
ETA : to answer the original question,...yes finances can ruin a relationship. Also, I hope I didn't come off as harsh but I have seen the same things happen to a couple of my friends and I don't want it to happen to you
Superb advice.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!
reallynow
Well-Known Member
Country gal
Well-Known Member
Great advice.
Honestly, i feel like his signs of child-like behavior and etc were there way b4 you 2 moved...SOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE SIGNS WERE THERE..AT THIS POINT NOT SURE WHAT SHOULD BE DONE--NOW THERE IS A CHILD IN THE PICTURE AND IT JUST APPEAR THAT THERE IS A LACK OF RESPONSIBLE DECISION MAKING ON HIS PART....PPL DONT JUST WAKE UP AND START BEING IRRESPONSIBLE..HIS CHARACTER FROM WHAT YOU DESCRIBED DISPLAYS THAT MAYBE HE NEEDS SOME TIME TO GET HIMSELF TOGETHER FOR YOU, FOR THE BABY AND MOST IMPORTANT FOR HIS LIFE IN GENERAL
GOOD LUCK
GOOD LUCK
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I gotta be honest- I don't have a good feeling about this at all.
He sounds very immature and very irresponsible. Buying an XBox instead of fixing his car- that don't make a lick of sense.
I was in a very similar situation. I'm very good about my handling my money, saving, paying bills on time and my ex was the exact opposite even though he made more than $100,000 a year.
How old is he, if you don't mind me asking.
You should move out and get a place that you can afford on your own. Tell him that he needs to get his finances together. In the mean time, he needs to get his money right, take care of his pit bull puppy (that a 1 mth old baby should not be around IMO), and find a way to get back and forth to work on his own.....this will help him into becoming a man. If he does all of this then you can think about living together again. Just please don't let him mess your credit up or hinder you from saving money because your priority is taking care of your baby and yourself. He needs to grow up. Good luck!
ETA : to answer the original question,...yes finances can ruin a relationship. Also, I hope I didn't come off as harsh but I have seen the same things happen to a couple of my friends and I don't want it to happen to you
This is good advice. I think you should move out on your own and think twice about moving back in with him. At this point your focus should be on taking care of you and your child. I don't mean to sound harsh, but he not stepping up to the plate and taking care of responsibilities so he needs to go....
Country gal
Well-Known Member
Relationships are hard enough. Why add lack of finances to the mix of drama? I don't want to marry someone that doesn't have his act together. Both parties need to bring financial stabilty to the table or it will cause drama.
Thanks everyone. I pay my bills on time n my credit score is 650 not bad but aint great. I graduated from college with a bs degree n management when i was six months pregnant and had my baby august 8. I love him very much, besides being childlike he is a very good man. But i feel like some of ya'll r right it may not work out and i would hate for that to happen. I had been thinking about moving out but i dont want to make it seem like we r breaking up and i would miss him coming home every night. My plan was to continue paying my bills on time and getting my credit better. My mother has already talked to me about him and told me never to cosign or let him use my name for anything, I agreed cause i can see how he handles money. I want to talk to him about how i feel but i'm nervous, dont know y i just am. He gets real defensive when y tell him about how he has f*cked up on something. I am content on just keeping things separate and not getting married n stay n a loving relationship.
No offense but how loving can the relationship be if he is not financially responsible, plus he gets defensive when you call him out on his ish..... you are nervous about talking to him..... This is not good
In my opinion you should move out or tell him to go, you don't need dead weight. Been there done that.... I hope you are able to work things out, but really consider yourself and your childs future first.
BlessedStarlette
Well-Known Member
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Integrity
Active Member
There are sooo many red flags in your post (some i highlighted) and you are making excuses and allowances for him because you are addicted to an aspect of his personality and willing to keep him at all costs, VERY dangerous!
How do you define a 'good man'. I would think the basic prerequisite would be that he pays the bills and keeps a roof over your heads, that is so basic.
. In your OP you said that He only had to pay the rent and you pay all the other bills and he could not even do that! Sister, WAKE UP!!!If you are nervous about speaking to him this is another massive red cape (not flag). I do not even need to be a medium to see where this will all end. GET OUT NOW!!!!! The way I see it you are a single parent anyway since he does not provide for you. GET OUT, you can do better.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
There are sooo many red flags in your post (some i highlighted) and you are making excuses and allowances for him because you are addicted to an aspect of his personality and willing to keep him at all costs, VERY dangerous!
How do you define a 'good man'. I would think the basic prerequisite would be that he pays the bills and keeps a roof over your heads, that is so basic.
If you are nervous about speaking to him this is another massive red cape (not flag). I do not even need to be a medium to see where this will all end. GET OUT NOW!!!!! The way I see it you are a single parent anyway since he does not provide for you. GET OUT, you can do better.
Amen to all of this.
OP: You're obviously a bright, driven and focused woman. I mean, you managed to graduate from college while pregnant-that's a great accomplishment. Why have some dude who isn't bringing anything to the table messing up your progress.
This dude is NOT going to grow up and start acting like a man as long is he knows he has you to pick up the slack.
MissScarlett
New Member
There are sooo many red flags in your post (some i highlighted) and you are making excuses and allowances for him because you are addicted to an aspect of his personality and willing to keep him at all costs, VERY dangerous!
How do you define a 'good man'. I would think the basic prerequisite would be that he pays the bills and keeps a roof over your heads, that is so basic.
If you are nervous about speaking to him this is another massive red cape (not flag). I do not even need to be a medium to see where this will all end. GET OUT NOW!!!!! The way I see it you are a single parent anyway since he does not provide for you. GET OUT, you can do better.
ITA. This is how we start accepting less, thinking that the little crumbs he's giving is 'good'.
You deserve much better than that for you and your baby.
deltagyrl
Well-Known Member
Uh, I wasn't going to post but I must.
This isn't really about him. It's about you believing that you don't deserve any better so you accept what little bit of nothing he gives. You've become co-dependant and your relationship has now become that of mother and son.
I would strongly urge you to take a long, hard look at yourself Try to figure out how you became the enabler. What is it about you that requires so little?
He is selfish, irresponsible and lazy. You can't change him but you can damn sure change your circumstances. Stop falling for the okey-doke like your name is Celie. Take care of your business. If he's the one he'll do whatever it takes to keep his place in your life.
I sincerely wish you good luck with everything.
This isn't really about him. It's about you believing that you don't deserve any better so you accept what little bit of nothing he gives. You've become co-dependant and your relationship has now become that of mother and son.
I would strongly urge you to take a long, hard look at yourself Try to figure out how you became the enabler. What is it about you that requires so little?
He is selfish, irresponsible and lazy. You can't change him but you can damn sure change your circumstances. Stop falling for the okey-doke like your name is Celie. Take care of your business. If he's the one he'll do whatever it takes to keep his place in your life.
I sincerely wish you good luck with everything.
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MissScarlett
New Member
sunnydaze
Well-Known Member
That's some good hard tough love right there..and this is coming from a recovering enabler who allowed herself to play mother to her husband. You do not want that. You already have a child. I hope everything works out for your good!
prettypuff1
New Member
I know how he can afford these things, dont pay bills.What is it with women and drug dealers? This man has already shown that she doesn't mind going to prison. Also, how did he afford a pit bull, when he can't afford to pay the bills? And XBox 360? Sounds like my ex who just bought one, well his mama bought it for him.
I totally agree. I see some big problems here... The drug dealing alone is a deal breaker for any man..... As soon as illegal activities begin, that is where the real trouble starts. I would be running in the other direction, i see some red flags honey. you are too good for him. I learned that lesson with my sons father. Don't feel obligated to deal with him because you have a child with him. My son's father had all the money in the world to spend on excess things; that was because he didn'tt believe in paying bills and he had his car repossessed to show for it. It is very difficult to change a man at this level. he has flaws down to the core and is not ready for a relationship. We arent even talking about finances, we are talking about maturity issues with him. Runnnn honey run
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