Bridesmaid Dilemma

[SheenaVee]

So, we've finally got the date of our wedding finalised, ceremony booked, deposit for the reception venue put down. We're doing actual wedding plan now. I had a freak out after we'd booked the ceremony date. Like, omg this ish is really happening. But I'm warming up to it now .

I was originally going to have 6 bridesmaids. My 3 cousins and my 3 besties. Now I only want to have 3 (my cousins) because I feel like 6 is too much for the type of wedding I want. I want a 'small' wedding. Now, with the size of my fam it was never really gonna be that small, but I feel like having 6 bridesmaids will make it feel bigger than I want.

So the problem I have now is, how do I tell my friends I no longer want them to be bridesmaids? When I first got engaged and they asked if they were going to be bridesmaids I was all, well duh, of course. But since then we've all kind of grown apart. One of them isn't even living in London anymore. So I don't really think they'd mind too much if they weren't bridesmaids anymore, but it's still awkward. They'll still be invited to the wedding, of course.

So, how do you guys think I should tell them?

 

[SlimPickinz]

Say in order to keep costs down you've decided to cut it to three bridesmaids. Easy

 

[God_Favor]

Just like you told us. You changed your mind and want a smaller party with family.

Don't internalize and over think this. It's your day and your (and FH)vision is what the day is about . You have no ill intentions in your wishes.

Will you need hostess? If so, maybe they can do that.

 

[greight]

Girl, I think people would be RELIEVED to hear that they are no longer a bridesmaid. It may be just wedding season, but it's a lot of money to get dress, shoes, hair/makeup, plan the bachelorette party, the bridal shower... and factor in plane tickets and multiply that by 3 weddings????

Don't mind me - my bank account is in my feelings.

 

[SheenaVee]

Oh, awesome! So you think it won't be that big of a deal? Phew. Maybe I was overthinking it. Thanks ladies!

 

[Menina Preta]

I don't think six bridesmaids are that many. Nonetheless though, I think you are in a sticky situation. To unask someone may lead to the end of friendships. Yes, it's your day, but still...One thing to get rid of all bridesmaids, it's a whole nother to unask certain people. It's rude, IMO.

 

[locabouthair]

I think it's rude and if I was a BM my feelings may be hurt BUT they may or may not care. They may even be relieved. You know them best.

 

[silverbuttons]

I don't think you can unask your wedding party. This will harm your relationships with them.

Unless you're trying to be friendless after marriage, I would recommend that you make it work.

 

[Menina Preta]

I think it's rude and if I was a BM my feelings may be hurt BUT they may or may not care. They may even be relieved. You know them best.

I would respect my friend if she did this but I would definitely hold it against her in the back of my mind...

Moreover, I've noticed that under the guise of it being "their day" that people try to justify rude or improper behavior. This isn't directed solely at you OP, but in general based on what I've noticed in real life and on this board. For example, I was invited to a last minute weeknight wedding. It took place during prime dinner time. The people served wings, vegetable platter and some dip. Huh? I just got here from work and y'all can't have some rice, chicken and a side of salad??? I've ordered trays from local restaurants and you can get all of that for less than a hundred for twenty folks or less. Another...a destination wedding smack dab in the middle of the week instead of on a weekend. Or actually any big to do Thursday night weddings trying to masquerade as a weekend affair and starting before 5 pm. My pressure...lol

 

[SheenaVee]

Lawd. Now I'm overthinking again.

6 isn't that many for a church wedding, but I'm not even getting married in a church. The ceremony is in a registry office. Now, the building is beautiful and the room where I'm having the ceremony can fit about 100 people in it but I think it will look a bit ridiculous with 6 bridesmaids. Idk.

 

[Menina Preta]

Lawd. Now I'm overthinking again.

6 isn't that many for a church wedding, but I'm not even getting married in a church. The ceremony is in a registry office. Now, the building is beautiful and the room where I'm having the ceremony can fit about 100 people in it but I think it will look a bit ridiculous with 6 bridesmaids. Idk.

You really have to think long and hard. Is it about what it looks like or is there more to it? For my bridal party, I almost didn't ask my close female friends bc I was afraid it would look weird if we had uneven sides. I almost limited my bridal party to just two bridesmaids and two groomsmen just bc of the look. Thankfully, I came to my senses after being a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding and seeing how much fun it was to be surrounded by your bridesmaids allll day. We had uneven sides but it didn't matter at all in the end.

 

[SheenaVee]

You really have to think long and hard. Is it about what it looks like or is there more to it? For my bridal party, I almost didn't ask my close female friends bc I was afraid it would look weird if we had uneven sides. I almost limited my bridal party to just two bridesmaids and two groomsmen just bc of the look. Thankfully, I came to my senses after being a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding and seeing how much fun it was to be surrounded by your bridesmaids allll day. We had uneven sides but it didn't matter at all in the end.

It's partly that but it's mainly that I just don't want 6 bridesmaids. I love my friends dearly and it's really nothing personal. I just want a small wedding with my 3 cousins who are like sisters to me as my bridesmaids.

Besides, as I said, we've drifted apart a lot over the past year. I haven't even seen these friends in about a year. My wedding is next year so that's another year of us possibly drifting apart even further. I think it's a bit awkward to have people as your bridesmaid who you haven't really spoken to properly or seen in a year.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

Congratulations! What an exciting time!

Is your future husband going to have 3 groomsmen? If so, you could say that in the interest of keeping the numbers equal on both sides, you need 3 bridesmaids.

You could also say that you recognize what a huge commitment of time and money it is to fly in and out of the country for rehearsals, dinners, fittings, etc. and that you'd rather stick the family with that responsibiliy. Let your friends just sit back and enjoy the ceremony and reception. :lol

 

[Menina Preta]

It's partly that but it's mainly that I just don't want 6 bridesmaids. I love my friends dearly and it's really nothing personal. I just want a small wedding with my 3 cousins who are like sisters to me as my bridesmaids.

Besides, as I said, we've drifted apart a lot over the past year. I haven't even seen these friends in about a year. My wedding is next year so that's another year of us possibly drifting apart even further. I think it's a bit awkward to have people as your bridesmaid who you haven't really spoken to properly or seen in a year.

I see your point. If you didn't formally ask them, you can act like the invite wasn't extended. If you did though, just be prepared that your friendship may end when you unask them.

 

[BackToMyRoots]

I think it's rude to retract your bridesmaid ask. But, if you don't care about remaining friends with them, you could risk it since you don't know how they will react.

The only way it would be ok in my view is if you weren't going to have a bridal party at all.

But since you really don't want a large party you should just go ahead and break it to them. Just say that you've decided to have a smaller party with only family since you didn't want to choose between your friends.

 

[SheenaVee]

Congratulations! What an exciting time!

Is your future husband going to have 3 groomsmen? If so, you could say that in the interest of keeping the numbers equal on both sides, you need 3 bridesmaids.

You could also say that you recognize what a huge commitment of time and money it is to fly in and out of the country for rehearsals, dinners, fittings, etc. and that you'd rather stick the family with that responsibiliy. Let your friends just sit back and enjoy the ceremony and reception. :lol

Thank you!

My FH can go either way really. He has 3 definite groomsmen and 3 more he can add if I decided to go with 6.

@ the bolded. I really like wording it that way! Thank you.

 

[TayMac]

Since they asked if they were going to be bridesmaids, Im not sure how they will feel to be unasked/demoted.

I would not have asked or agreed to anyone until I was certain. If you don't want them, then it is what it is. But let them know as soon as possible

 

[tru4reele]

Same thing happened to me. It's crazy how much women actually LIKE to be bridesmaids. This one friend of mine asked me if she could be a bridesmaid as soon I told her about the engagement. Like ummm okay sure. Then she went on about asking if there were any single men as groomsmen. She was trying to find her a man.

I then narrowed down the wedding to just having my best friend as a maid of honor and told her. We fell all the way out over it. I haven't talked to her since. Deuces biiish.

 

[God_Favor]

They haven't bought dresses, you guys haven't done any bridesmaids activities, you haven't told them what shoes/accessories to buy, etc.. Right??

And add on to the fact that you didnt choose only one of your BFFs and left the other two hanging ...

You decided to scale down and go with Family affair.

I don't think it's a biggie. And if it is, that's their personal issues because it is in no way a personal attack. You can't live in others reality of you because it hold no validation at all.

Using only family wasn't a dig at them.


We take stuff too personal and turn simple things into a life crisis . You changed your mind on the vision of your wedding. No monies, time , or effort were loss on their end.

Don't let this simple stuff make you lose focus on the big picture. And don't adapt your day to protect feelings.

 

[LeftRightRepeat]

I would be relieved but you know your friends...just let them know "it's me , not you". If you're just having family as bmaids that should go a long way towards soothing any ruffled feelings.

 

[bubbles12345]

It's partly that but it's mainly that I just don't want 6 bridesmaids. I love my friends dearly and it's really nothing personal. I just want a small wedding with my 3 cousins who are like sisters to me as my bridesmaids.

Besides, as I said, we've drifted apart a lot over the past year. I haven't even seen these friends in about a year. My wedding is next year so that's another year of us possibly drifting apart even further. I think it's a bit awkward to have people as your bridesmaid who you haven't really spoken to properly or seen in a year.

Well do you want to be closer to.them?

Maybe this can be a way

 

[LaBelleLL]

OP i don't think it's rude at all.

If I understand it, there have been changed circumstances right? Your financial abilities will only allow for three maids correct? Or now that you have had time to breathe and go through everything, you only would like 3 people right?

If a friend, after hearing a simple explanation that you spoke too soon and will be cutting back, drops you, y'all were never true friends from the beginning. Esp if you decide to just have family (which I totally get). It's probably all for the best.

Now if the ladies had already bought their dresses, booked plane tickets, etc. - then changing your mind at that point would
Be rude and a huge inconvenience. Sounds like none of this has happened.

 

[Menina Preta]

I don't think having bridesmaids though are a financial inconvenience. Nowadays, most bridesmaids purchase their own dresses and shoes. You provide a gift to the bridesmaids, but it's up to you to decide how much you want to spend on them. I guess my point is that using finances as an excuse isn't a good way to rescind the bridesmaid invite.

 

[Naveah2050]

If you've barely spoken to then for a year they probably don't care about it enough to even contact you and ask about the wedding plans then I would just tell them and call it a day...

 

[qchelle]

I think it's rude to retract an invite, even an informal one. But who cares, people do rude things all the time lol.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

It's your day OP. You might discover who your real friends are if they get too offended for your day.

 

[Menina Preta]

I don't think being offended that a bride retracted her bridesmaid invitation means that the offended person is not a real friend. In the grand scheme of things, taking back an invitation 9 out of 10 times is considered to be rude. That's basic etiquette. LOL.

On another note, I would talk to your family off line OP and seek their opinion. No offense, but a lot of the women on here readily admit that they do not have a lot of friends, are quick to cut folks off and are very introverted, so opinions may be skewed.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

^^^ It is if they are willing to ruin a friendship based on a change in wedding plans and the rudeness it caused.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

I don't think being offended that a bride retracted her bridesmaid invitation means that the offended person is not a real friend. In the grand scheme of things, taking back an invitation 9 out of 10 times is considered to be rude. That's basic etiquette. LOL.

On another note, I would talk to your family off line OP and seek their opinion. No offense, but a lot of the women on here readily admit that they do not have a lot of friends, are quick to cut folks off and are very introverted, so opinions may be skewed.

No offense but in bold is strange to me.

 

[SheenaVee]

To be honest, I've already made up my mind that I'm gonna cut down to 3 bridesmaids. I'm not looking for advice on whether or not I should do it. I know it can be perceived as rude and awkward no matter how I try and word it, which is why I made this thread asking for various ways I can soften the blow and let them know in the least offensive way as possible. I've got some good ideas from this thread.

I said that I'm warming up to the idea of this wedding and I've realised the reason for this is because I'm finally doing things the way I want to do them. Before, I was all about pleasing everyone but myself, worrying about who to invite etc, and it meant that I was literally dreading my own wedding. Now I've decided to make decisions that make me and my FH happy and I feel a lot more positive about the wedding.