Breaking up...

[jrae]

I need to end a dating relationship with a very nice man. I knew early on that it was not a match for me, but we get along very well and I enjoy our conversations. But a love interest? No, never. Attraction? Not at all.

He, on the other hand, is totally smitten. Has told his mother, young son, ex-wife, and close relatives about me. He knows I am dating others, but is satisfied that he gets the time he does with "a woman like me." He has been making plans for Valentine's Day for weeks and is ready for me to meet the family this weekend. [there has been no intimacy beyond holding hands]

He gives me all the attention, respect, and flattery I would like to get from the "right" man. Anyway.... How do I end this? Truth or a Lie?

Truth/Lie: I enjoy our friendship but I'm just not ready for a relationship.

Lie: Another relationship has taken a more serious turn that I would like to pursue (in my dreams!).

Truth: We are not a good match. We are at different places/phases/stations in our lives and I don't want to start over (as it were).

Suggestions?

 

[Son26]

Truth: We are not a good match. We are at different places/phases/stations in our lives and I don't want to start over (as it were).

 

[bbdgirl]

Being that he sounds like a nice fella, I would be truthful, but be kind. Just let him know that he deserves a woman that feels as strongly for him the way he feels for you.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Being that he sounds like a nice fella, I would be truthful, but be kind. Just let him know that he deserves a woman that feels as strongly for him the way he feels for you.

I agree with this advice...Good luck O.P. I hope you find the one for you that treats you how this current guy treats you. I know how is.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Gosh, this is a tough one!! It's even more hard because I'm sort of going through the same thing myself. So perhaps I may not be the best person to be giving advice to anyone.

But anyway...
With that said, I feel like I have to know more about the relationship before I can make a good reply.

-How long were you two dating?
-How did you both meet? (this can be important too!)
-Can I ask why is it that you feel that you need to dump him? I understand that you're not really "feeling it" for him, but are there specific reasons WHY you don't like him that much? (ie. personality, bad habits, looks, financial reasons, no chemistry, etc.)


Just based on what I've read in your original post... I would say that it would be best to break him down gently. He seems like a really nice guy, and hopefully he can find someone who feels the same way for him. Idk, it just depends. Answer those questions above and I'll be able to better to give you more advice!

 

[awhyley]

He deserves nothing but the truth from you.
Edit - And the truth doesn't sad that bad either. Do it quickly and soon.
(i.e. Don't let it get too close to Valentines Day!)

 

[jrae]

Thanks, Ladies. More opinions and feedback are appreciated. I don't like to hurt anyone, ever. Plus, this guy is so nice.

Gosh, this is a tough one!! It's even more hard because I'm sort of going through the same thing myself. So perhaps I may not be the best person to be giving advice to anyone.

But anyway...
With that said, I feel like I have to know more about the relationship before I can make a good reply.

-How long were you two dating?
-How did you both meet? (this can be important too!)
-Can I ask why is it that you feel that you need to dump him? I understand that you're not really "feeling it" for him, but are there specific reasons WHY you don't like him that much? (ie. personality, bad habits, looks, financial reasons, no chemistry, etc.)

Just based on what I've read in your original post... I would say that it would be best to break him down gently. He seems like a really nice guy, and hopefully he can find someone who feels the same way for him. Idk, it just depends. Answer those questions above and I'll be able to better to give you more advice!

• We have been "dating" about two months. Talk on the phone at least once a day. I have never initiated a call to him.
• We met at a "divorce support" group last summer. I only went twice. I felt like I was doing fine. He called a couple of weeks later to check on me.
• Not feeling it because... he's a "sweet 'ol boy" kinda man from the midwest. Very sweet soul. I guess I'm a fast girl from the west coast (California). Our social and economic status is very different. I like a more "polished" and "refined" man. Although this man probably has a genius level IQ, he's rough around the edges. As another man said to me, I'm looking for "a suit."

Thank you, Crystalicequeen.

He deserves nothing but the truth from you.
Edit - And the truth doesn't sad that bad either. Do it quickly and soon.
(i.e. Don't let it get too close to Valentines Day!)

Okay. Thank you. (Yes, I agree about V-Day.)

 

[Son26]

• I like a more "polished" and "refined" man. Although this man probably has a genius level IQ, he's rough around the edges. As another man said to me, I'm looking for "a suit."

I'm the same way

It sucks that his feelings will be hurt, but you have to follow your heart. Good luck to you.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Tell the truth. He's treated you well, and you owe him the truth, IMO.

 

[ThickHair]

Tell the truth always unless your life is in danger, then tell anything to get out alive then call the po po.

 

[ThickHair]

[*]Not feeling it because... he's a "sweet 'ol boy" kinda man from the midwest. Very sweet soul. I guess I'm a fast girl from the west coast (California). Our social and economic status is very different. I like a more "polished" and "refined" man. Although this man probably has a genius level IQ, he's rough around the edges. As another man said to me, I'm looking for "a suit."
[/LIST]

If he is truly the way you describe above, then he should have many woman waiting in the wings to scoop him up.

Not speaking of you directly, plenty woman don't want these so called "good guys" and will fart around with the "fancy" ok guys, get their heart broken and then pray for one of these "good guys" again. 8itch and moan about "where are the good brothas?"

 

[aribell]

^^^The above is definitely worth keeping in mind^^^

Imo, the proposed lie doesn't sound better or less hurtful than the truth. In either case, you're choosing not to be with him and he will be disappointed. Lying to him won't help anything, particularly if he finds out that it was just that.

ETA: I accidentally voted for truth/lie. I meant to vote for truth.

 

[jrae]

If he is truly the way you describe above, then he should have many woman waiting in the wings to scoop him up.

Not speaking of you directly, plenty woman don't want these so called "good guys" and will fart around with the "fancy" ok guys, get their heart broken and then pray for one of these "good guys" again. 8itch and moan about "where are the good brothas?"

I know!! Who you tellin'?

There are two "fancy" guys in my life, but they're surely not tripping all over themselves for me!

 

[tiara76]

Tell him the truth

it doesn't matter the reasons why you don't want to be with him, you will not be doing him a favor by pretending to want to be with him when you don't, especially when you know he wants something way more.....caring about him is knowing that he's is that good that he deserves somebody who wants, matches and appreciates him...its clear you don't want to be mean, so just tell him the truth with ur true intentions at heart....

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Thanks, Ladies. More opinions and feedback are appreciated. I don't like to hurt anyone, ever. Plus, this guy is so nice.

• We have been "dating" about two months. Talk on the phone at least once a day. I have never initiated a call to him.
  -Hmmm, okay first of all I don't know about you other ladies, but for ME personally a guy calling me every single day after only 2 months of knowing him would get on MY nerves. ESPECIALLY if I'm not "into" him or if I'm a bit unsure as to how I feel about him. But that's just ME! I tend to be a little on the independent side. Do you think that maybe you're getting a little turned off simply because he's coming on so strong so soon?
  
  
• We met at a "divorce support" group last summer. I only went twice. I felt like I was doing fine. He called a couple of weeks later to check on me.
  -Oh wow. Well, I guess this means that you two have both been married before to other people but are now divorced. Sometimes how long two people have been divorced can also make a difference as to how soon someone may want a serious relationship.
  
  
  
• Not feeling it because... he's a "sweet 'ol boy" kinda man from the midwest. Very sweet soul. I guess I'm a fast girl from the west coast (California). Our social and economic status is very different. I like a more "polished" and "refined" man. Although this man probably has a genius level IQ, he's rough around the edges. As another man said to me, I'm looking for "a suit."
  -Hahaha...LOL @ "sweet ol' boy". So, basically you're saying that he's TOO nice? No chemistry, no attraction there, no....swagger? :eyebrows2
  

Thank you, Crystalicequeen.

You're welcome!

From what you've stated Jrae, it seems like this guy is coming on just a bit strong too soon. 2 months is not that long IMO. Did you have ANY attraction to this guy when you first met him? Because if not, then his calling everyday isn't going to make you see how "wonderful" he is right off the bat. At least it wouldn't for me. I don't think I can even think of a guy in a "romantic" sense unless I've known him for at least 3 months!

The fact that this guy seems so nice is the ONLY thing making me say this: If I were you, I'd try to communicate with the guy and let him know that he's coming on just a bit strong right now (if that is indeed how you feel), and that you need him to slow down. If after another month you're STILL not really "feeling it" for him, then you should just be honest with him and tell him that it's just not working out for you.

But I would hate to see you dismiss a perfectly NICE guy...one who treats you right...for a fantasy guy who may or may not be good to you. A guy can always polish up his outer exterior, but a guy with a great personality, who's nice, and also treats you well is a little harder to come by. But please, definitely do NOT settle! Just communicate with him, and if after another month he's still turning you off, by all means give him the boot! Its' not worth trying to force or rationalize yourself into liking some guy. It shouldn't be hard.

 

[jrae]

....

The fact that this guy seems so nice is the ONLY thing making me say this: If I were you, I'd try to communicate with the guy and let him know that he's coming on just a bit strong right now (if that is indeed how you feel), and that you need him to slow down. If after another month you're STILL not really "feeling it" for him, then you should just be honest with him and tell him that it's just not working out for you.

But I would hate to see you dismiss a perfectly NICE guy...one who treats you right...for a fantasy guy who may or may not be good to you. A guy can always polish up his outer exterior, but a guy with a great personality, who's nice, and also treats you well is a little harder to come by. But please, definitely do NOT settle! Just communicate with him, and if after another month he's still turning you off, by all means give him the boot! Its' not worth trying to force or rationalize yourself into liking some guy. It shouldn't be hard.

Yep! That's it...thank you.... no SWAGGER!!!

I have told him to slow down SEVERAL times. He even told me he loved me the other night and I told him to cut it out.

At this age and following a long-term marriage, I'm pretty clear on my type. To my credit, I have let go a couple of "smooth" men, because they were lacking "kindness," for instance.

I will take the good advice you all have given, which is correct... tell him the truth, gently and with care. Its gonna hurt him no matter what I say. I shouldn't have waited this long because now he's told his family.