Breaking up and getting back together....over and over again

[lexi84]

At what point do you say, "Enough!" and realize it isnt working?

For you, does it depend on the reason behind the breakups or simply the number of times you've broken up?

I'm asking because my current SO and I have been together for a little over a year and have broken up a total of 3 times. The first time I dumped him because his ex kept calling him late at night and he wouldn’t tell her to stop. Now although she lives in NY and we live in Chicago/Indiana, I still found it disrespectful. To me, it was time to cut all that "before lexi84" communication. I'm here so, she needs to respect that you have a new girlfriend. I was also upset that when she came in town for HIS family reuinion, he let her drive his car! Well needless to say that once I put my foot down, he was right back at my door with apologies and ready to get back together, which we did.

The second time we broke up was around Christmas. He didn’t have any money to buy me a Christmas gift and although he said he would, he was taking too long. By December 29th, I was heated. Where the hell is my gift? Everyone told me I was being petty but I didn’t care. I got him a gift, where the hell is mine (never mind that he didn’t have any money….lol….I didn’t care) Well on the 30th he brought a brand new i-pod to my house and told me it was over. He said I was too petty and spoiled. Very true. But we got back together 4 days later because I told him I was sorry and would change.

The last time we broke up (which we are still broken up right now) was for a deeper reason. He said he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I'm not honest with him and I don’t tell him the whole truth on things that I'm feeling. He said that he's an open book and says what he feels inside, and since I am so closed off and dont trust him with my deep emotions that we werent compatible. He also said that since he's the man in my life, that I should feel comforable with opening up to him. He's right. I have trust issues, my mom even tells me that I need to be more open and honest. So I'm currently trying to open up to him. I'm not about to let my issues chase away a good man, so we have since reconciled and are working on getting back together.

Are these indications that we may not last? I guess what I'm trying to ask is is it possible for people to breakup like this and have a successful marriage?

 

[dlewis]

I have never understood relationship like that. My parents were like that and eventually divorced.

I have never broken up with a guy and gone back to him, I find it to be a waste of time. If I didn't think enough of him to try to work it out, for me, it's no going back.

I know couples who have done as you two are doing and they get married and continue that same pattern. Who really wants to live like that?

 

[Farida]

When people break up all the time it tells me one of two things:

1. they have serious, irreconcilable, red flag problems and they keep ignoring these problems instead of just admitting they shouldn't be together, period.
2. they are too immature to work through problems and choose to quit each time rather than try.

 

[Mai Tai]

Breakup # 1: If he was still talking to his ex (regardless of what time of day) then to me he wasn't really single to begin with. I would have dropped him, and kept it moving.

Breakup # 2: You deserved this one. Being petty and spoiled are not qualities that positive relationships have. Did you give him a Christmas gift out of the kindness of your heart, or just to get one in return?

Breakup # 3: He has a point. At some point, you have to trust your man enough to talk to him. If you have trust issues that do not stem from anything he did, then you are not only being immature, but unfair. You need to work on this before you get into any other relationship.

My ex and I were together for 6 years, and broke up tons of times (all him breaking up with me), however, the last time was me ending things with him. Once I breakup with someone, that's it. None of that back and forth. Me and my current SO have been together 3 years, and have yet to breakup, so I agree with the other ladies...If he feels you are not worth working things out with, then let him go.

 

[Angelicus]

Is this the same one that was unequally yoked with you? Let me know. I'm biased. You already know how I feel about him.

 

[Browndilocks]

Relationships like this are tricky and I hope to never be stuck in this type of counter-productive pattern. They hide deeper issues that obviously are never dealt with.

I dont always buy the "your ex is an ex for a reason" thing. But I will say that when you break up with someone, you should take a nice increment of time to really evaluate the relationship before you decide if its something you'd like to try again. To take just 4 days after breakup #2 is not helping either of you. Sounds like you need a few months to yourself, or at least away from him.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Uhm.... you really think there's a chance you would drive both YOU and him crazy with breakup four?!

 

[Browndilocks]

At what point do you say, "Enough!" and realize it isnt working?

For you, does it depend on the reason behind the breakups or simply the number of times you've broken up?

I'm asking because my current SO and I have been together for a little over a year and have broken up a total of 3 times. The first time I dumped him because his ex kept calling him late at night and he wouldn’t tell her to stop. Now although she lives in NY and we live in Chicago/Indiana, I still found it disrespectful. To me, it was time to cut all that "before lexi84" communication. I'm here so, she needs to respect that you have a new girlfriend. I was also upset that when she came in town for HIS family reuinion, he let her drive his car! Well needless to say that once I put my foot down, he was right back at my door with apologies and ready to get back together, which we did.

The second time we broke up was around Christmas. He didn’t have any money to buy me a Christmas gift and although he said he would, he was taking too long. By December 29th, I was heated. Where the hell is my gift? Everyone told me I was being petty but I didn’t care. I got him a gift, where the hell is mine (never mind that he didn’t have any money….lol….I didn’t care) Well on the 30th he brought a brand new i-pod to my house and told me it was over. He said I was too petty and spoiled. Very true. But we got back together 4 days later because I told him I was sorry and would change.

The last time we broke up (which we are still broken up right now) was for a deeper reason. He said he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I'm not honest with him and I don’t tell him the whole truth on things that I'm feeling. He said that he's an open book and says what he feels inside, and since I am so closed off and dont trust him with my deep emotions that we werent compatible. He also said that since he's the man in my life, that I should feel comforable with opening up to him. He's right. I have trust issues, my mom even tells me that I need to be more open and honest. So I'm currently trying to open up to him. I'm not about to let my issues chase away a good man, so we have since reconciled and are working on getting back together.

Are these indications that we may not last? I guess what I'm trying to ask is is it possible for people to breakup like this and have a successful marriage?

See now for me, that would have been strikes 1, 2 and 3 right there. Move on girl.

 

[lexi84]

 

[LadieCrn]

One break up is enough. If you can't work through the small things then how will you handle the big things (children, bills, property, illness, jobloss, whatever)

 

[heyfranz]

Seems you both have this pattern - break up, get back together, break up, get back together - you're probably meant for each other. Most people won't put up with that.

 

[Browndilocks]

Oh, I'm sorry.

I know what it's like to hurt... trust me.

It's just that cycles like these aren't healthy. I have a friend, and I am not exaggerating, who ever since I met her 3 years ago, she's been on and off with the same guy. She takes him back every time. It drains her. It comsumes her. He's all she talks about. It literally takes a good amount of energy to be around her because she is so incredibly absorbed with him and what he's done this time, and how she's never taking him back etc.

What used to be little quarrels and "misunderstandings" turned downright ugly. Their arguments are now on a cheaper level. He makes it obvious that he has no respect for her by his actions and the way he talks to her. He tries to tackle her self esteem... and the funny thing about it is, it actually works. Don't allow yourself to fall victim to that, simply because you've enabled the both of you to continuously revisit dysfunction. Do not give him the opportunity to not take you or your feelings and relationship seriously.

Try not to fall in love with an idea. The idea of what you *think* the potential of being with this man could be... if only things could get better. Don't allow yourself to be so consumed by the happiness that you desire, with the valid anguish that you are currently having. Look directly at what's in front of you right now. Now is not the time to think about the future, unfortunately. You cannot ponder the what ifs on a possibility. And if that doesn't make any sense to you then I'll make it more simple:

If a man can look into your pretty face and still manage to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you then he's just not worthy of your precious time. Don't blame yourself for being yourself. Nobody is perfect and he shouldn't expect you to be. If he really wanted to make it work, he'd be willing to talk to you to try and figure out how you can get past some of these bumps in the road. But he's not doing that. The only good thing I see in that situation is at least he's telling you he wants to walk instead of stringing you along and keeping you on the back burner while he lives his life according to whats convenient for him at the cost of you waiting around for him.

 

[cocomochaa]

let this go. Or it'll be 3years, 9 breakups, two ex girlfriends, 50 arguments and 1,000 hrs of crying later and you'll still be asking the same question.

 

[cocomochaa]

Seems you both have this pattern - break up, get back together, break up, get back together - you're probably meant for each other. Most people won't put up with that.

TOTALLY DISAGREE. alot of people do it. I did it for 3 years because i thought we were meant for each other.
The wasteman had serious abandonment issues which meant he could let not me go even though he messed up and I said it was over for the 1,000,000th time. I stayed coz i loved him.

 

[Angelicus]

I am sorry that I sent you an email threatening to punch your SO in the face. We really want you to be happy. You can be happy with a lot of other people besides your SO:

1. Pop 'n' Fresh
2. Hugh Jackman
3. Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters

You deserve better. Don't you think you deserve better? Go read my blog again. I was with someone for three years thinking that I could change him. Thank God that I listened to reason (voice of God) and left him. I am stronger than ever... and I have someone that loves me now unconditionally!

Don't you think you deserve better?

 

[ThickHair]

I am sorry that I sent you an email threatening to punch your SO in the face. We really want you to be happy. You can be happy with a lot of other people besides your SO:

1. Pop 'n' Fresh
2. Hugh Jackman
3. Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm Hugh Jackman

 

[Ediese]

Lol...I've been with my SO for seven months now, and we break up just about every week. lol I just had another 'talk' with him tonite to end things, but walked away agreeing to keep working on our relationship.

I think when I've really had enough. I'll be gone.

 

[1Aleeesha]

A relationship with someone isn't always going to be peachy. A couple of questions you should ask yourself are:

1). Why am I with him?

2). Does the bad outweigh the good?

Write it down if you have to and be honest with yourself. A good things about your relationship column and a bad column. You have to be honest with yourself before you can with anyone else... Putting it on paper is a good way to figure this one out.

We really don't know you or your SO to make the call for you based on our own experiences and experiences of people that we know here.

It does take time to learn to deal with yourself and another person so tight knit.

 

[hopeful]

It takes time to trust someone, especially if you have trust issues. He can't force you to open up and share your deepest feelings and emotions. I think in time, if you guys quit breaking up and he earns your trust you would open up more. I think he should be more patient with you. Like a year ago he was still talking to his ex late at night, and you had to make him quit, so why just months later would you want to share everything with him? You aren't engaged or married yet either, so personally I think some things you should only share with your husband. And just re-reading what you posted, he's broken up with you the last two times, yet he wants you to open up to him and share your deepest feelings and secrets, please don't do that.

 

[Irresistible]

So inconsiderate to show up with an IPOD and no gift for you, RUNNNNNNNN

and runnnnnn and runnnn until you find a man that will at least consider your feelings and making you happy , not put an ipod in your face right when you figured he would get you a gift

thats so janky , ugh

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

Breaking up and getting back together is like eating Big Mac's every day and you get fat, then you want to lose weight and keep eating Big Mac's and expect a different result.

Sometimes you just have to get it together and move on.
There are too many amazing men out there to hold on to one that is not right for you.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

What, was the Ipod his or was it a gift for you, OP?

 

[krikit96]

How is God gonna send a man your way if you won't let go of this SO that is not treating you in a way you wish to be treated? Don't wait till you end up pregnant by this man...Get out now. You don't need to hear it from all of us, even though you are...you already know what to do.

You were maybe hoping some people would tell you to keep trying? YOU don't need to find you a man, YOUR MAN will find YOU. The bible even says a man that findeth a wife findeth a good thing. Don't go looking for him. He will show up... but he can't come into the picture, rightfully, if you are still in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who is not right for you. Then you will have all the excess baggage to chase away the good man who finds you. He will look right past you. TRUST! I know... don't waste your time. I wasted 3 years with a dude because i just KNEW we would be together. He finally was gone in September... and my husband came and found me in October. Let it go and don't look back. NO REGRETS!!!

 

[DaPPeR]

I did this for 3 years and finally broke it off for the final time in January. I wish I hadn't waste my precious time

I hope you find the strength to just let go and move on, but only you know the true path you should take. Good luck chica

 

[kayte]

some times the breakup pattern can feel like an old friend....

Goldie Hawn once said about her relationshiop with live in boyfriend Kurt Russell .they've been together over a decade..that she won't marry because she feels safe knowing anytme she can leave.. I personally think that's silly...with as much tme as been invested, if they did break up it would not be a mere walkng away..but it feels like they can.

constant breaking up and getting back together is kind of like that
....it might offer illusion of safety...cas you're not really committing ..
you are sacrificing true intimacy ..with cutting and running when there's a panic about getting
too close..

that can be healed if you two really love each other and are willing to confront the games

I'd say a successful relationship takes a level of committment.. right now you both have a mechanism in place..that at whatever point ..you get too close ..the exits are there
and you use them..... you'd both have to agree to dismantle that mechanism.recognize it as a game....& commit to locking all the exits and throwing away the key

and then you MUST get couple counseling with a kind,candid professional on an ongoing basis to anchor you as a committed couple..I also suggest... as you acknowledge trust issues.... which cld follow you not only in romance, but elsewhere, and for your own peace of mind ....to get your own individual therapist...seek more support...for you...you deserve it~


hope this helps

 

[EbonyYoungin517]

There is only so much any of these ladies can say because there is only so much information you can post. I believe it is up to you and your SO and it sounds like to me you two did not break up too often. I know too many young couples, older couples that break it off what seems like every other day. When it comes down to you, you really have to study the dynamics of your relationship and see if it goes with what you feel a relationship needs to thrive. Some people grow out of that break up, get back together, break up, get back together. Just step back and look at you two from a third person perspective. Don't be so quick to jump the gun, every relationship is different. Pray on it as well. Good luck

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

I never believed in these types of relationships (and I've never had this experience with my boyfriends)

I have tons of friends who all exhibit this pattern of behavior. One girl in particular, some four years, chlymydia, two aborted pregnancies, cheating, lying, scheming, and family issues later, they're still together.

Can't say she's happy though.