Being Approachable by Men

[inthepink]

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who deals with the issue of never being approached by men.

What are alternatives for women who are never approached by men? And for those women, do you find that as well as not being approached offline that you are also are not approached as much online either?

Any thoughts? What do you do when you are unapproachable for whatever reason?

For women who are approached by men, what are the circumstances in which you find yourself approached? Do you think you do something that causes you to be approachable?

Approachable women - do you have any advice for the rest of us?

 

[hopeful]

I have always been pretty approachable by men. Since I am married I kind of have a stop sign up now, because I am happily married and don't want to be disrespectful to my dh, but still men show interest .

I don't attract thuggish men or pretty boys, usually average looking guys who appear to be stable and hard-working and well-mannered.

My tips:

*Know that you are fabulous, pretty, sexy, have a lot to offer.
*Understand that men are just men, not gods, not perfect, not super heroes.
*Like men in general and appreciate them for who they are.
*smile, smile, smile
*Try to exude a lightness, a joyfulness, a zest for life.
*Compliment them: nice shirt, cool car, etc.

 

[Dee Raven]

I'm in general an unapproachable person, I'm very shy. And I've been pondering this question off and on for a while. Do I need to dress up more? Do I need to smile more? What is it? And I really think it has to do with your body language. There's a book called Superflirt, which can give you some ideas on how to be more approachable. A friend of mine recommended it. For me, being less self-conscious, and being okay with feeling goofy or flawed and in general not caring how I am perceived, is what makes me more approachable.

 

[inthepink]

I'm in general an unapproachable person, I'm very shy. And I've been pondering this question off and on for a while. Do I need to dress up more? Do I need to smile more? What is it? And I really think it has to do with your body language. There's a book called Superflirt, which can give you some ideas on how to be more approachable. A friend of mine recommended it. For me, being less self-conscious, and being okay with feeling goofy or flawed and in general not caring how I am perceived, is what makes me more approachable.

Dee - Have things changed for you since reading the book?

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who deals with the issue of never being approached by men.

What are alternatives for women who are never approached by men? And for those women, do you find that as well as not being approached offline that you are also are not approached as much online either?

Any thoughts? What do you do when you are unapproachable for whatever reason?

For women who are approached by men, what are the circumstances in which you find yourself approached? Do you think you do something that causes you to be approachable?

Approachable women - do you have any advice for the rest of us?

I think the best advice anyone has given was when someone on the boards here (sorry dont remember the name) said see men like you are going to make a new friend. That takes a lot of pressure off. I think the natural tendency of women is to create not just the next step in our mind, but the next 25 steps Take it one step at a time. I've taken the advice and and it is a lot easier. Also, when you are done with talking with a guy, preoccupy your mind with something else. There is nothing worse than rehashing and replaying a conversation in your mind over and over again trying to figure out where you might have gone wrong, stuttered, stammered, etc. Not that I have ever done that.

Girl we are going through this together! I still have to work on my shyness. I find that when I look really well put together, is when I am even more self-aware! Go figure...

 

[inthepink]

I think the best advice anyone has given was when someone on the boards here (sorry dont remember the name) said see men like you are going to make a new friend. That takes a lot of pressure off. I think the natural tendency of women is to create not just the next step in our mind, but the next 25 steps Take it one step at a time. I've taken the advice and and it is a lot easier. Also, when you are done with talking with a guy, preoccupy your mind with something else. There is nothing worse than rehashing and replaying a conversation in your mind over and over again trying to figure out where you might have gone wrong, stuttered, stammered, etc. Not that I have ever done that.

Girl we are going through this together! I still have to work on my shyness. I find that when I look really well put together, is when I am even more self-aware! Go figure...

Heather - this is the problem. I don't meet guys to talk to b/c they don't approach. How do to get to that step? How can someone give of a vibe that they are looking 25 steps down the road? I really want to know why some guys may see that in me so I can change it!

I need a Life Coach.

 

[tash85]

I'm not an approachable kind of person at all. Ive been approached by more men telling me to "smile" than asking for my number

I've got mean mugging down to an art - but not intentionally! Looking miserable runs in the family but Im really a nice person if people do approach me

Cons - most men are too scared to approach me as they think the answer will be a flat no or a dirty look
Pros - I tend to only get confident, strong and determined men approach me so thats even better!

 

[lovely008]

I think the best advice anyone has given was when someone on the boards here (sorry dont remember the name) said see men like you are going to make a new friend. That takes a lot of pressure off. I think the natural tendency of women is to create not just the next step in our mind, but the next 25 steps Take it one step at a time. I've taken the advice and and it is a lot easier. Also, when you are done with talking with a guy, preoccupy your mind with something else. There is nothing worse than rehashing and replaying a conversation in your mind over and over again trying to figure out where you might have gone wrong, stuttered, stammered, etc. Not that I have ever done that.

Girl we are going through this together! I still have to work on my shyness. I find that when I look really well put together, is when I am even more self-aware! Go figure...

I'm very shy and this has worked for me...usually i treat most strangers I see as a potential friend and I just feel so relaxed and open to having genuine, carefree conversations with those around me.

It does take practice because I do start to psych myself out again when I'm talking with a guy I'm really attracted to but also remembering that they are just human beings that like good conversation and a good energy helps me get back on track!

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I always have a smile on my face and my body language is open. I look at everyone as equal and it makes them less scary to talk to in my mind. I would approach a dating situation like a networking event, have my 30 second elevator speech about me ready to go and just start up a conversation with any man who I thought was attractive.

I didn't even realize it until a coworker (who I met in a management class) pointed it out as one thing he noticed first about me when we had to get up to introduce the person beside us - who we met like 45 minutes prior to that assignment.

DH says that too, that I am always smiling, that I look friendly and I will talk to everyone in the room. I have walked up to multi millionaires in my company and chatted them up, so much so that when my regional officer tried to introduce me to a few of the execs, they already had met me and remembered my name.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

Im have had this problem especially since I rededicated myself to God.I do have that serious look all the time and I hate it when people tell me to smile..im not here for your gosh darn amusement.I may never get a man if that is the case.And maybe bc Im in texas with all these ignorant dudes who can't understand and appreciate a strong intelligent woman.I may need to move up north to find some one who would like me like Im am..vanilla,choclate,hot tamale,or even indian...

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

Heather - this is the problem. I don't meet guys to talk to b/c they don't approach. How do to get to that step? How can someone give of a vibe that they are looking 25 steps down the road? I really want to know why some guys may see that in me so I can change it!

I need a Life Coach.

@ life coach... couldnt we all use one lol . Sorry for not answering your question. I have been on a role of not really comprehending anything on here.

I think it really is about being upbeat; when you catch someones eye, smile. How can someone sense if you are thinking or looking 25 steps down the road: delving too much into their life. Always being available, etc. Its hard to describe, but I know when I am doing it. Unfortunately, we as women have to walk a very fine line, IMO, in order to not look desperate, even though we are not.

What has been working for me is being open but clear that i have other things going on as well. Its a delicate balancing act as you dont want to come off as uninterested.

 

[glam-]

I think the biggest thing is just to smile- and to smile regularly. Seem like you are happy with life- no one wants to be around someone who seems miserable. People, including men, are attracted to happy and good-natured.

I always hear, from both men and women, that I am always smiling and I really didn't recognize that I was doing it. It doesn't have to be a cheesy, kool-aid grin either. Just a hint of a smile on your face, and in your eyes, is sufficient.

 

[caltron]

There's some really good advice here. I think it's all about you on the inside. If you are a person that is happy with yourself and the world, you will automatically project that feeling to others. That feeling may be expressed by you smiling, complimenting others, walking with confidence, etc. People are drawn to people who are genuinely positive people.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

i was wondering this as well. but i've started smiling more, and watching my body language but still nill. i was having a conversation with a friend about a few events i'd gone to lately, and he asked how many numbers had i gotten. my answer was 0. i'm not sure if i'm giving off some unapproachable vibe, but my friends with bf, get approached, but i dont or even asked for my number.

 

[Mai Tai]

For women who are approached by men, what are the circumstances in which you find yourself approached? Do you think you do something that causes you to be approachable?

Approachable women - do you have any advice for the rest of us?

I get approached by men of all kinds all the time. Even though I have an SO, I still like to go out,have fun and have conversations with different kinds of people.

My SO doesn't care if men approach me because he knows that I would never exchange numbers with them, or actually entertain flirtatious advances, but it is still fun to get male attention.

A few pieces of advice...

- Men are simple in my opinion, and when you approach a situation as "complicated", then that is what you will get out of it. It is important to remember that men are humans just like you and I. They have needs for positive human interaction just like women do. When you portray yourself in a positive light, then they will naturally gravitate towards you.

- Many of the men that I know tell me that they can ALWAYS sense when a woman is going out of her way to get noticed or goes into a situation expecting to be approached, and this is a HUGE turn-off. The key is quiet confidence. Let your actions exude confidence.

- Leave your girlfriends at HOME!! Find 1 good friend to go out with. I have noticed that huge groups of women get approached less then the smaller groups. Do you know how intimidating it is for a man to approach a table full of women and single one of them out to talk to.

- Like everyone else is saying...SMILE, have a good time, do not go into a situation hoping that a man will take notice. Make eye contact even if only for a brief second. If you are at a party...don't just sit down, and chat with girlfriends. Walk around. Make sure your hair and clothing is neat and stylish. I noticed that I have more men approach me when my make-up is more natural as opposed to loud and vibrant. You get the idea...Be CONFIDENT!

Hairlove...I hope this helps, but if you want to, you can PM me if you need more help.

Good luck love...

 

[inthepink]

i was wondering this as well. but i've started smiling more, and watching my body language but still nill. i was having a conversation with a friend about a few events i'd gone to lately, and he asked how many numbers had i gotten. my answer was 0. i'm not sure if i'm giving off some unapproachable vibe, but my friends with bf, get approached, but i dont or even asked for my number.

Me, too. I try to have a pleasant look on my face and make a quick change if I notice I'm concentrating too hard on something (giving off a non-approachable look) but in all these years nothing has changed. I can count the number of times I've been approached by someone halfway decent on one hand.

 

[inthepink]

I get approached by men of all kinds all the time. Even though I have an SO, I still like to go out,have fun and have conversations with different kinds of people.

My SO doesn't care if men approach me because he knows that I would never exchange numbers with them, or actually entertain flirtatious advances, but it is still fun to get male attention.

A few pieces of advice...

- Men are simple in my opinion, and when you approach a situation as "complicated", then that is what you will get out of it. It is important to remember that men are humans just like you and I. They have needs for positive human interaction just like women do. When you portray yourself in a positive light, then they will naturally gravitate towards you.

- Many of the men that I know tell me that they can ALWAYS sense when a woman is going out of her way to get noticed or goes into a situation expecting to be approached, and this is a HUGE turn-off. The key is quiet confidence. Let your actions exude confidence.

- Leave your girlfriends at HOME!! Find 1 good friend to go out with. I have noticed that huge groups of women get approached less then the smaller groups. Do you know how intimidating it is for a man to approach a table full of women and single one of them out to talk to.

- Like everyone else is saying...SMILE, have a good time, do not go into a situation hoping that a man will take notice. Make eye contact even if only for a brief second. If you are at a party...don't just sit down, and chat with girlfriends. Walk around. Make sure your hair and clothing is neat and stylish. I noticed that I have more men approach me when my make-up is more natural as opposed to loud and vibrant. You get the idea...Be CONFIDENT!

Hairlove...I hope this helps, but if you want to, you can PM me if you need more help.

Good luck love...

These are very helpful - thank you. Problem is...I don't go "out." So, I'm never with a group of girlfriends at a party or something like that.

Maybe I'm expecting the wrong thing then b/c I'm thinking just in everyday interactions or everyday life, there are potential men who could potentially approach me. (Commuting to work, going to lunch, shopping during lunch break, walk during lunch break, etc.) I may just be in the wrong place.

 

[anon123]

Where is the last place you have gone to to hang out, chill, get a drink, a cup of coffee, etc.?

Maybe you might look into reading up on body language? I think I have "leave me alone" body language, though I don't know why.

Get up and talk to someone. It's okay for you to initiate a conversation. Grab a drink at the bar and make light talk with the person next to you.

 

[Duchesse]

Hairlove, I've read some of your past posts regarding men and relationships. I'm afraid that because of your personality type (you seem very quiet and retiring...), that you are going to have to seriously force yourself to be more outgoing. I know it's hard to change the way our disposition naturally is, but you may be presenting yourself as uninterested in contact from men.

Go out on a limb! Go to an art festival or museum by yourself, and force yourself to initiate conversation with someone. Start off with a woman, or heck, even a child (of course with the momma nearby lol!). Make it a game to yourself...like a dare or something...it will take time, but you can do it. Start off small, smile at an older man who you have zero interest in (then make sure to keep it moving), then work your way up.

Start doing things outside of your normal routine. Get a girlfriend and go bowling, go to a convention (cars, motorcycle, even comic book, something that is geared towards a male audience), jazz lounges, poetry cafes. If you are not into the typical bar/lounge scene, there are other "going out" options.

If that is you in your avatar, you are very attractive. If it isn't, I'm still sure you're attractive! Like Mwedzi wrote, think about your body language. I know when I'm in a leave me alone mood, my body shows it, and when I'm in a how you doing mood, my body shows it, and the male or lack of males approaching follows suit. Maybe you are subconsciously having defensive body language.

Judging from your posts, you seem very sweet. I hope you find what you are looking for!

 

[Carrie A]

These are very helpful - thank you. Problem is...I don't go "out." So, I'm never with a group of girlfriends at a party or something like that.

Maybe I'm expecting the wrong thing then b/c I'm thinking just in everyday interactions or everyday life, there are potential men who could potentially approach me. (Commuting to work, going to lunch, shopping during lunch break, walk during lunch break, etc.) I may just be in the wrong place.

Yeah I think it's good to break the routine and go out solo. I like curly diva's fall into fab thread. She's on the right track. You may or may not meet someone but at least you are having a good time. I think when people say they meet people all the time when they have a man or even when they are genually are not looking, some of that is relaxed body language. When you have a man you radiate happiness but at the same time your body language may be more open when interacting "non-verbally" with people. Why? because you're not worried about what they think of you.

I've been trying to evaluate all possible reasons why I might have been approached often (by Mister fine at least not Mr. Tyrone). I think just increasing communication with folks in general is good and will carry over in many areas.

 

[Mai Tai]

These are very helpful - thank you. Problem is...I don't go "out." So, I'm never with a group of girlfriends at a party or something like that.

Maybe I'm expecting the wrong thing then b/c I'm thinking just in everyday interactions or everyday life, there are potential men who could potentially approach me. (Commuting to work, going to lunch, shopping during lunch break, walk during lunch break, etc.) I may just be in the wrong place.

Hairlove...Sweetie...You are literally expecting a man to fall out of the sky.

Expecting a man to approach you when you are rushing to work, rushing to eat lunch, running errands during your break is a surefire way to give off the "unapproachable" vibe.

You have to spend time and effort socializing outside of work, and outside of the house in order to meet people. Whether it's going to the local bookstore looking cute as hell, or attending a networking event, you have got to get out of the house.

I like Duchesse's idea of going to events that are geared towards men. A great way to meet men is to go where men go. It is ok to be shy, but you are too beautiful to not get the attention you deserve.

Like I said earlier girl, PM me if you need to.

 

[inthepink]

Where is the last place you have gone to to hang out, chill, get a drink, a cup of coffee, etc.?

Maybe you might look into reading up on body language? I think I have "leave me alone" body language, though I don't know why.

Get up and talk to someone. It's okay for you to initiate a conversation. Grab a drink at the bar and make light talk with the person next to you.

I don't go to bars...but I used to go to coffee shops.

See, I don't understand b/c people talk to me, in general. Like if I'm standing in line someplace. Or even at a department store, I've had women ask me for my opinion on something. When I had a dog, men talked to me all the time. But in none of these situations was the man "interested" in me. I can't seem to cross that barrier.

 

[inthepink]

Hairlove...Sweetie...You are literally expecting a man to fall out of the sky.

Expecting a man to approach you when you are rushing to work, rushing to eat lunch, running errands during your break is a surefire way to give off the "unapproachable" vibe.

You have to spend time and effort socializing outside of work, and outside of the house in order to meet people. Whether it's going to the local bookstore looking cute as hell, or attending a networking event, you have got to get out of the house.

I like Duchesse's idea of going to events that are geared towards men. A great way to meet men is to go where men go. It is ok to be shy, but you are too beautiful to not get the attention you deserve.

Like I said earlier girl, PM me if you need to.

Well, I probably gave the wrong impression. By saying "I don't go out." I meant, I don't go to bars and clubs. Not that I don't leave the house (though sometimes I do stay in b/c of nowhere to go.)

No, I do not expect him to fall out of sky. But friends have met men in various ways. I just don't know what to DO anymore. Over the years I've tried some of EVERYTHING!

I do go places...spend time at bookstores and try to go to other events or whatever. But lately, I can barely think of where to go.

 

[inthepink]

I forgot to mention that I do have two "singles" type of events that I'm planning to attend in the month of November.

 

[envybeauty]

Go where the men are. You could be grinning from ear to ear at some of the places mentioned but you won't meet that many men bc very few will be there at the same time.

That said increase your chances by increasing the number of men. I went to two basketball games in the last month and there were plenty -- PLENTY-- of Black men there. Others too I'm sure but I noticed the Black ones.

Yesterday I went to a networking event and I was the only Black person in the room. Period. Other events had like two or three brothas. Some married.

That said, go to sporting events. You don't have to love it but the games are fun for all (entertainment goes on during halftime, timeouts, etc). Also recommend shopping near barber shops, hardware stores, etc bc you have a higher chance of bumping into them there than driving to work. I know a salon that has a black barber shop inside the salon. A wash and set every blue moon won't hurt a sista.

I'm all for open body language at coffeeshops and what not but brothas I know don't guzzle down lattes like that. Eating chicken fingers while watching number 8 dunk a ball....you'll feel like a kid in a candy store.

Oh...and one game I paid $5. Another was a free hookup. I'm not saying to spend hundreds for season tickets.

 

[Jenibo]

^^^ good tips envybeauty

i'm not exactly in prime location to be approached right now (the hood) but now that i'm seeking employment and i'm about to attend school- i'm excited about meeting new people.

I'm very shy and introverted but if i really want to i have no problems meeting new ppl.

I've noticed that i don't get approached as much now as i used to but i've also stopped dressing up and going to the salon so that doesn't help.

I would say i get approached the most in intimate settings such as work- where ppl get to see the way i act despite not smiling, tense body language, etc.

I am the posterchild for not smiling- always been that way

 

[laCriolla]

Ladies I need help!
this thread inspired me to go out for once.

I went out alone, yes ALONE last night. to a club. :-/
I wasn't dressed bare, like most of the other women in the club so maybe that was the problem, but I thought I looked nice.
first, the bouncer asked if I was waiting for anyone and I said, "no i'm just one tonight" and he let me in :-/

so, with all the 'approachable' tips in mind, I went in ready to test them out, the first room was sparse but I grabbed a drink at the bar. no one approached me. I smiled, etc, and felt kind of silly standing there by myself with a faint smile on my face.
so I moved into the 2nd room which was PACKED.

men definitely looked at me.
in fact, some outright stared. I tried "the eyes" thing, and smiled. I let my glance linger with the cute ones, then smiled and looked away. not ONE came over but I caught 3 or 4 continuing to stare, and/or staring at me later. I stayed about an hour.

the most communication I got was
1. on the way IN some guy in the back seat of a passing car yelled something about 'did you go to xyz college"
2. on the way out some guy said something like "oh you tired of guys trying to holler"
lol. but little did he know... no one did.


oh well. let me get on the way to church.

 

[thetall1]

I am also someone that is "unapproachable" and I'm loving the tips! Please, keep them coming!!!

 

[inthepink]

Ladies I need help!
this thread inspired me to go out for once.

I went out alone, yes ALONE last night. to a club. :-/
I wasn't dressed bare, like most of the other women in the club so maybe that was the problem, but I thought I looked nice.
first, the bouncer asked if I was waiting for anyone and I said, "no i'm just one tonight" and he let me in :-/

so, with all the 'approachable' tips in mind, I went in ready to test them out, the first room was sparse but I grabbed a drink at the bar. no one approached me. I smiled, etc, and felt kind of silly standing there by myself with a faint smile on my face.
so I moved into the 2nd room which was PACKED.

men definitely looked at me.
in fact, some outright stared. I tried "the eyes" thing, and smiled. I let my glance linger with the cute ones, then smiled and looked away. not ONE came over but I caught 3 or 4 continuing to stare, and/or staring at me later. I stayed about an hour.

the most communication I got was
1. on the way IN some guy in the back seat of a passing car yelled something about 'did you go to xyz college"
2. on the way out some guy said something like "oh you tired of guys trying to holler"
lol. but little did he know... no one did.


oh well. let me get on the way to church.

This is why it gets just SO discouraging. You try try try - new things, old things - and everything remains the same. Discouraging and exhausting.

Gosh, I wish I knew what to say. Don't give up.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Go where the men are. You could be grinning from ear to ear at some of the places mentioned but you won't meet that many men bc very few will be there at the same time.

That said increase your chances by increasing the number of men. I went to two basketball games in the last month and there were plenty -- PLENTY-- of Black men there. Others too I'm sure but I noticed the Black ones.

Yesterday I went to a networking event and I was the only Black person in the room. Period. Other events had like two or three brothas. Some married.

That said, go to sporting events. You don't have to love it but the games are fun for all (entertainment goes on during halftime, timeouts, etc). Also recommend shopping near barber shops, hardware stores, etc bc you have a higher chance of bumping into them there than driving to work. I know a salon that has a black barber shop inside the salon. A wash and set every blue moon won't hurt a sista.

I'm all for open body language at coffeeshops and what not but brothas I know don't guzzle down lattes like that. Eating chicken fingers while watching number 8 dunk a ball....you'll feel like a kid in a candy store.

Oh...and one game I paid $5. Another was a free hookup. I'm not saying to spend hundreds for season tickets.

YES YES YES! Sporting events are great for single women! Men get in their 'hunter' mindset during games, they are much more likely to strike up a convo with you there than just out and about on the street.