Attachment Theory

[Ipanema]

Have you ever heard of this? I recently read a book called "Attached." It's about how adults enter romantic relationships, and it basically groups people into three different categories: Avoidant, Anxious, and Secure.

Avoidants want intimate relationships, but at the same time feel trapped by relationships. They value their freedom and independence. When someone gets too close to them, they begin behaviors that push people away. Criticizing small things about the person, comparing them to an ex, not returning the person's phone calls, etc.

The Anxious people have a deep fear of abandonment. They are the people who call all of the time, want to spend all of their time with the person, want to know where the person is all of the time, etc. They fear getting hurt and feel anxious when not in a relationship.

Secures are people who are not afraid of relationships and are comfortable with being close with someone. Being in a relationship doesn't define who they are. They can be single or attached, but usually end up becoming quickly attached.

The book says that Anxious people a lot of times end up with Avoidants without realizing it at first, and these two types should avoid each other. Secure people don't stay single very long. The book explains how to identify each type of person before entering a relationship. It also does not tell people to change what they are, but to accept it. Anxious people should embrace and not be ashamed of their desire for closeness. Avoidants should realize that they really want freedom, etc. Secures are the superstars in this book.

I think it's a good read:

 

[Thump]

Interesting.

 

[LdyKamz]

Sounds like an interesting read. I might take a look at it. I'm reading a lot to find out more about myself and certain behaviors that I need to drop. I wonder if there is any in-between. I think I may fall between Avoidant and Anxious leaning more toward anxious. I find I can sometimes be a bit clingy because I do have a history with men that have been in one way or another unavailable. On the other hand men that like me and are seemingly good matches are the ones that I enjoy in the beginning and eventually start to distance myself from or become..unlikable (for lack of a better word) so they are the ones to walk away.

I don't know that an anxious person should just "accept" the way they are. There has to be some underlying issues for a person to behave this way. I know some of mine and once you let that stuff go chances are you won't be as anxious. Yeah, I think I'll take a look at this book.

 

[Ipanema]

Sounds like an interesting read. I might take a look at it. I'm reading a lot to find out more about myself and certain behaviors that I need to drop. I wonder if there is any in-between. I think I may fall between Avoidant and Anxious leaning more toward anxious. I find I can sometimes be a bit clingy because I do have a history with men that have been in one way or another unavailable. On the other hand men that like me and are seemingly good matches are the ones that I enjoy in the beginning and eventually start to distance myself from or become..unlikable (for lack of a better word) so they are the ones to walk away.

I don't know that an anxious person should just "accept" the way they are. There has to be some underlying issues for a person to behave this way. I know some of mine and once you let that stuff go chances are you won't be as anxious. Yeah, I think I'll take a look at this book.

According to the book, the Secure person models appropriate relationship behavior, and alleviates the fears of the Anxious person. What happens when you want to be close to a person who doesn't mind closeness? What happens when you want to know what someone is doing, and that person is always open about what they are doing? What if the Avoidant person likes a bit of freedom, and the other person has no fear of the relationship ending because of that? People who are toxic should get help, but the book says you don't have to change yourself to have a good relationship.

 

[LdyKamz]

It's something to think about @Ipanema But how does a secure person not see these issues in another and think this person is healthy enough to have a relationship with? At some point or another wouldn't the secure person realize this is not ideal on either side? Like with the avoidant person? The secure person doesn't have to necessarily worry that the relationship will end if the Avoidant needs space but isn't it likely that a person secure in themselves would say "umm yeah, this person is probably not ready for a relationship or does not behave as though they are in a relationship" I probably have to read the book to understand better because this is all probably explained.

 

[FlowerHair]

Yes. This is the same theory that a lot of child rearing advice is based on. The goal is to raise a secure child.

You can google a ton of info on this theory.

 

[Lucie]

My friend told me about this.

 

[MzLady78]

Sounds like an interesting read. I might take a look at it. I'm reading a lot to find out more about myself and certain behaviors that I need to drop. I wonder if there is any in-between. I think I may fall between Avoidant and Anxious leaning more toward anxious. I find I can sometimes be a bit clingy because I do have a history with men that have been in one way or another unavailable. On the other hand men that like me and are seemingly good matches are the ones that I enjoy in the beginning and eventually start to distance myself from or become..unlikable (for lack of a better word) so they are the ones to walk away.

I don't know that an anxious person should just "accept" the way they are. There has to be some underlying issues for a person to behave this way. I know some of mine and once you let that stuff go chances are you won't be as anxious. Yeah, I think I'll take a look at this book.

Same.

 

[quirkydimples]

I read it a few years ago, but don't remember much. I may revisit it.

 

[Autumn~Tint~Of~Gold]

I think I am an anxious and avoidant combined.

 

[movingforward13]

I think I am an anxious and avoidant combined.

Same here

 

[ItsMeLilLucky]

Me too.

 

[Ipanema]

It's something to think about @Ipanema But how does a secure person not see these issues in another and think this person is healthy enough to have a relationship with? At some point or another wouldn't the secure person realize this is not ideal on either side? Like with the avoidant person? The secure person doesn't have to necessarily worry that the relationship will end if the Avoidant needs space but isn't it likely that a person secure in themselves would say "umm yeah, this person is probably not ready for a relationship or does not behave as though they are in a relationship" I probably have to read the book to understand better because this is all probably explained.

The book talks about a study that shows how just being in a relationship with a Secure person often causes the Anxious and Avoidant to become more secure. It also says that a Secure person should also be aware because they can end up becoming Anxious when being with an Avoidant person. There is a story in the book about a couple like this.

Also, to those saying that you are both, the book has a quiz, and you will probably see that you might not be what you think you are.

 

[movingforward13]

Also, to those saying that you are both, the book has a quiz, and you will probably see that you might not be what you think you are.

Here is the quiz
http://www.attachedthebook.com/compatibility-quiz/

and here are my results....
"Your attachment style is: Secure
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don't get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are also strong at reading your partner's emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need. Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is likely you have (or will have) relationships with people with other attachment styles. In ATTACHED, we teach you what makes people with an anxious or avoidant attachment style and tick and how best to relate to them."

I am shocked. But this description does fit me, especially the communicating needs part.

 

[movingforward13]

I still think I have avoidant- like behaviors though and can get anxious depending on my partner.

It also says that a Secure person should also be aware because they can end up becoming Anxious when being with an Avoidant person.

I guess this is right. I have dated plenty of avoidant men.

 

[DarkJoy]

oh yea. big surprise.. . but all my therapy i knew this. and i do attract very clingy men or men that start talking marriage within the firsr 6 to 8 months ALL. THE. TIME when im actively dating. I feel boxed in a trapped very quickly.

Your attachment style is: Avoidant
It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency, and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be in a relationship, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm's length. You don't spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner. There's a way to reach greater happiness in your relationships though. In ATTACHED, we help you understand what makes you tick as an avoidant person and teach you some of the best kept secrets of secure people. This can help you move toward a more rewarding relationship.

 

[ItsMeLilLucky]

I guess I'm more anxious than I thought. I need to chill out.



Your attachment style is: Anxious
You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner's moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner's behaviors overly personally. As a result you tend to act out and say things you later regret. There's a way to reach greater happiness in your relationships though. In ATTACHED, we help you understand what makes you tick as an anxious person and teach you some of the best kept secrets of secure people. This can help you move toward a more rewarding relationship.

 

[LovelyRo]

My attachment type is secure according to the test but, I'm sure I've probably been avoidant my whole life. Lol

Your attachment style is: Secure
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don't get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are also strong at reading your partner's emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need. Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is likely you have (or will have) relationships with people with other attachment styles. In ATTACHED, we teach you what makes people with an anxious or avoidant attachment style and tick and how best to relate to them.

 

[quirkydimples]

oh yea. big surprise.. . but all my therapy i knew this. and i do attract very clingy men or men that start talking marriage within the firsr 6 to 8 months ALL. THE. TIME when im actively dating. I feel boxed in a trapped very quickly.

Your attachment style is: Avoidant
It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency, and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be in a relationship, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm's length. You don't spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner. There's a way to reach greater happiness in your relationships though. In ATTACHED, we help you understand what makes you tick as an avoidant person and teach you some of the best kept secrets of secure people. This can help you move toward a more rewarding relationship.

We are the same. I attract clingy men, too, and immediately feel trapped.

Hmmm...according to the quiz, my boyfriend is secure. (I'm now giving this quiz the side eye because I was certain he would be anxious...lol)

 

[Neomorph]

I took the quiz and got Avoidant...that is definitely me. I noticed I've attracted clingy men in the past as well. I feel trapped and uncomfortable with them and I end up breaking it off with them very quickly.

 

[LostInAdream]

My attachment type is secure according to the test but, I'm sure I've probably been avoidant my whole life. Lol

Your attachment style is: Secure
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don't get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are also strong at reading your partner's emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need. Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is likely you have (or will have) relationships with people with other attachment styles. In ATTACHED, we teach you what makes people with an anxious or avoidant attachment style and tick and how best to relate to them.

I feel the same and this was my result as well. These days I know how to maintain my sense of freedom and independence within my relationship. My DH is clingy!!! Actually I think that's how we got to where we are because I don't chase anyone but he chased me DOWN!

 

[MzLady78]

Yep, I was right, I got anxious.

 

[hopeful]

Yep, I was right, I got anxious.

Ha! Right! I'm sure I would too. Anxious or avoidant are rooted in fear. One fears abandonment, the other being trapped. Never too late to become more secure.

 

[MzLady78]

Ha! Right! I'm sure I would too. Anxious or avoidant are rooted in fear. One fears abandonment, the other being trapped. Never too late to become more secure.

Absolutely.

 

[shespoison]

I took the quiz and I'm secure. I was shocked by that. I thought for sure I'd be anxious.

Perhaps I've grown.

 

[Dee_33]

Took the quiz and got secure. The description fits me.

 

[yaya24]

... I have some self work to do

Your attachment style is: Anxious

You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner's moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner's behaviors overly personally. As a result you tend to act out and say things you later regret.

 

[LdyKamz]

Naturally, I got anxious.

 

[Fine 4s]

Didn't need to take the test to know that I'm NOT secure

 

[Theresamonet]

In romantic relationships I'm secure. In all other relationships-- family, friends, co-workers-- I tend to be avoidant. I wonder why that is...