anybody watch Oprah Today?? John Edwards..

[Ladybelle]

Um, there's someone out there for everyone. It's never been about "standards".

If a man or woman is unhappy in their current relationship and they've done all they could to make it work, then SOMEONE is going to step out.

is there really someone out there for everyone? the numbers don't reflect that (female to male ratio) unless there is some sharing/recycling going on.

being faithful to one's spouse can't be about how happy you are on any particular day. Any marriage is likely to have some challenges and days where one or the other, ain't happy. Does that give one the right to be unfaithful?

 

[Ladybelle]

THIS made me holla....

(few days ago, I overheard a gal gushing over a guy that brought a book with him to the gym. "Exclaiming....he reads, he reads !!!!!" I remember thinking, Yup, he's getting it....(later I felt a little sad for Chica, she must be meeting a load of duds..)

i laugh to keep from crying. It's sad, but isn't it true for some women? what does it take to change that trend?

 

[ebonylocs]

Not placing the blame game on women- but it would help if we were more loyal to each other, IMHO.

It's gotten to the point where
-if a man has a job- he can get some
-if he doesn't have a job- he can get some
-if he ugly- he can get some
-if he fine- if he can get some
-if he a man- he can get some]
there is always some random woman waiting to give it to him.

Yes, but there are men who, no matter how many women are out their waiting to give it to them, if they are with *you*, then they are with *you*, and they're not going to cheat. That's the only type of man I'm interested in. And if you're with that type of man, then what other women may be willing to do is of no worry to you. Realistically, I can't control other women, but i can control the type of man *I* choose to be with.

Yes, the other woman is as wrong as heck and I could call her all types of names, accurately. But she is not my concern. My SO is.

 

[tiara76]

As women, (IMHO) we have waaay more power in the state of relationships than we recognize. How men treat us is a direct reflection (in a lot of cases) of how we treat ourselves & each other.

this would be true...when women raise to levels of their empowered selves men will raise as well....with so many years of patriarchal and masculine power and the repression of feminine women are in a state of beat down...it won't be left up to men to raise us...it will be up to women...when women raise and become empowered men will also become empowered vs overpowering...women have got to make the moves though

 

[SelahOco]

Thank you Svelte! I am so sick & tired of hearing about the whole women unite- respect the other woman's relationship in cases like this. These women are not the ones committed to each other--They didn't take vows. He needed to respect his own relationship & what he worked so hard to build with his family. This is a man- grown man we're talking about- not a child who can easily be led astray. Like you said there will always be trifling women. What we women need to unite on is to hold the men in our lives responsible for their relationship with us.

Her statement should have been "I blame the other woman, but I obviously blame John more."

That's what she said, actually. Obviously John is going to get the brunt of her anger - but I don't think it's realistic to expect the women to feel nothing towards the women who cheated with her husband.

Personally, I feel like enough women have been cheated on for most of us to know how it feels. It's a problem and men seem to do it more. What I can't understand is how ANY woman would do to someone else what has been done to her. You know that pain, and what benefit is in hurting another woman?

It's a given that the man is triffling. But because a woman expresses anger, confusion or disgust at another woman's behavior does not negate how she feels about the husband. The man and his mistress conspire together to deceive that woman. Both sneaking, both hiding, both taking part is hurting her.

I think it's great that she said how she felt - but even Oprah took her comments wrong I think. As a wife, I totally understand her perspective and I agree with her 100%.

Jina this post is not directed at you. You just echoed a sentiment that sparked my thoughts.

 

[SelahOco]

But does that solve the problem? Do you want a husband who isn't cheating *just* because other women are saying no to him or not giving him any shine?

It's like wanting the candy stores to lock your kid out so that he doesn't make himself sick and can't eat your dinner. Wouldn't it be better to have a child that knows that stuffing himself with candy is a bad idea?

And this is an inaccurate analogy because men aren't children. And that's exactly the point. We sometimes act like they are these naive, rudderless, simpletons, who can be led this way and that by any temptress. Yet, I never hear anyone blaming "other men" who take men's wives. Somehow, then, it's completely the wayward wife's fault. She was a disloyal slut. Because you know, women have complete responsibility for their own actions, but somehow, men don't.

I agree with the point you make. Personally, if a married man hits on me and I know the wife, I tell her. And if my husband does anything inappropriate -- all of my friends know that I want to know ASAP.

I'm sure Mrs. Edwards had no idea she had a cheater on her hands. But had this women alerted her, she would have been able to make some decisions about her marriage. I know that can be hairy, but I've had to deliver information to a very close friend...and I would do it again if i needed to.

 

[simplertimes]

If there weren't women out there that would entertain the thought of being with a married man, men would have no choice but to face the problems in their marriage.

Because of the above, "the other woman/mistress" should get at least 40% of the blame. They are an accessory to a "crime"

 

[simplertimes]

it's as if (some)women no longer have any standards, it doesn't matter whether he's attached or not. I find that kind of disheartening.

Me too
And the sad thing is, we say men should control themselves and their urges. That goes for women as well. What does it say about yourself and your character if you will knowingly destroy a family?

 

[Ladybelle]

this would be true...when women raise to levels of their empowered selves men will raise as well....with so many years of patriarchal and masculine power and the repression of feminine women are in a state of beat down...it won't be left up to men to raise us...it will be up to women...when women raise and become empowered men will also become empowered vs overpowering...women have got to make the moves though

very well stated and im ITA. We can continue to point fingers at men all day long,but what has that changed? It seems things are getting worse. We have to take accountability for ourselves, no way around it. How we raise our daughters, our sons, how we let the men in our lives treat us - regardless of of what the men do or don't do. When we step our games up, the men have no choice but to.


Simple analogy: when women get in free to the club, it draws the men like fleas - some of him will pay any price to get in & they ain't coming to hear the music!! Same applies to everything else, we determine how it goes down most of the time.

 

[Ladybelle]

Yes, but there are men who, no matter how many women are out their waiting to give it to them, if they are with *you*, then they are with *you*, and they're not going to cheat. That's the only type of man I'm interested in. And if you're with that type of man, then what other women may be willing to do is of no worry to you. Realistically, I can't control other women, but i can control the type of man *I* choose to be with.

Yes, the other woman is as wrong as heck and I could call her all types of names, accurately. But she is not my concern. My SO is.

i'm sure you mean *you* as in any woman in a relationship,and I understand that,but I will venture out to say that most women do not pick a man who she thinks will inevitably cheat on her. In fact, Ms. Edwards said the only thing she asked John to give her when they got married was faithfulness.

Here's the thing: from the beginning of time, women have been able to lure men in. Adam wasn't thinking about the forbidden fruit until Eve bought her sexy behind up to him with it. He couldn't resist! There are also studies done on this very thing.

Don't get me wrong: I do believe that men are capable of being faithful. I'm married to a very faithful man. But this is an area of weakness for a lot of men, they are wired that way. Women on the other hand, we are often lured in via our emotions. We can control our emotions, but it takes extra effort than it would for a man to control his. (generally speaking)

Hence - the harder it is for a man to go get some on the sly, the easier it is for him to deal with the initial feeling that causes him to want to cheat.

 

[Ladybelle]

That's what she said, actually. Obviously John is going to get the brunt of her anger - but I don't think it's realistic to expect the women to feel nothing towards the women who cheated with her husband.

Personally, I feel like enough women have been cheated on for most of us to know how it feels. It's a problem and men seem to do it more. What I can't understand is how ANY woman would do to someone else what has been done to her. You know that pain, and what benefit is in hurting another woman?

It's a given that the man is triffling. But because a woman expresses anger, confusion or disgust at another woman's behavior does not negate how she feels about the husband. The man and his mistress conspire together to deceive that woman. Both sneaking, both hiding, both taking part is hurting her.

I think it's great that she said how she felt - but even Oprah took her comments wrong I think. As a wife, I totally understand her perspective and I agree with her 100%.

Jina this post is not directed at you. You just echoed a sentiment that sparked my thoughts.

ITA.

 

[Ladybelle]

If there weren't women out there that would entertain the thought of being with a married man, men would have no choice but to face the problems in their marriage.

Because of the above, "the other woman/mistress" should get at least 40% of the blame. They are an accessory to a "crime"

yep & Judicially speaking - even if you don't pull the trigger, if you are an accessory you get some jail time. I'm not saying mistresses should be arrested,but I don't think they should be completely ignored either - especially in cases where she knew without any doubt, this man had a wife. I think it's unexcusable & desperation at it's finest.

 

[jada1111]

It shouldn't matter whether he's happy or not. Happy, unhappy, mad, sad, glad - one should have made the conscious decision to be faithful no matter what the other person has or has not done to or for you.

Being faithful, just like being married is a choice.

You're living in a fantasy world. Real life isn't like this.

Yeah, it's about "choices", but many times the couple has talked it out and nothing seems to change. The only reason why most couples stay together these days is because of finance.

Also, women have it in their head that even if their relationship sucks to high heaven they MUST make it work somehow. This is not the FIFTIES any longer. If your man is treating you like *ish it will make you miserable, the children will see it and everyone will have animosity. It's so stupid.

If you've done all you can and nothing's changed, then someone needs to make the "choice" to leave and be done with it.

Cheating is going to happen regardless. People need to feel wanted, respected, desired and loved.

 

[jada1111]

is there really someone out there for everyone? the numbers don't reflect that (female to male ratio) unless there is some sharing/recycling going on.

being faithful to one's spouse can't be about how happy you are on any particular day. Any marriage is likely to have some challenges and days where one or the other, ain't happy. Does that give one the right to be unfaithful?

That's why I'm a strong believer in COMMUNICATION, RESPECT and COMPROMISE. It all boils down to these three things.

If you've spoken to your spouse about things that are bothering you (COMMUNICATION) and he says he's going to change and doesn't (DISRESPECT), then this is what leads to more problems. Everything he does will start to bother you. What you once found cute will be an annoyance and then you become this shrill of a woman that he doesn't want to be around anymore. You also don't want to be around him either, but there's nothing either one of you can do right now, because you have shared expenses and probably children.

It's only when both people are willing to COMPROMISE is when things can happen. It can't be all or nothing. I'm sure that he has issues with you too, but if you're not willing to listen or make changes yourself, then why should he?

I don't know the situation with John Edwards and his wife, but like I said before, the "mistress" wouldn't have succumbed to HIS advances if he didn't make his desires known FIRST. Yeah, she could have said no, but she didn't want to. John's a cutie why should she?

Mrs. Edwards is still stupid for putting up with it. She wrote this book for what?? All I see is a stupid woman being delusional by blaming the "temptress" that tried to take all that SHE built together with her husband. I'd respect her more if she divorced him, then she could blame whomever she wants for the demise of her marriage.

The fact of the matter remains is that this particular mistress was not his FIRST. He's been cheating on this woman for awhile.

 

[Ladybelle]

You're living in a fantasy world. Real life isn't like this.

Yeah, it's about "choices", but many times the couple has talked it out and nothing seems to change. The only reason why most couples stay together these days is because of finance.

Also, women have it in their head that even if their relationship sucks to high heaven they MUST make it work somehow. This is not the FIFTIES any longer. If your man is treating you like *ish it will make you miserable, the children will see it and everyone will have animosity. It's so stupid.

If you've done all you can and nothing's changed, then someone needs to make the "choice" to leave and be done with it.

Cheating is going to happen regardless. People need to feel wanted, respected, desired and loved.

I totally disagree with you, respectfully might I add. Cheating only makes whatever problem you may have had, worse. It adds another problem to the problem.

If one is so miserable they feel the need to cheat, they need to leave the relationship.

And, I STRONGLY believe that cheating/infidelity/adultery etc is not a relationship problem (although it causes them) it is a CHARACTER problem.

When you decide to say i do, the i do is not just when you happy. It's every day,all day. It's when he lose his job, when she gains weight, when the babies won't let you get some when you want it, when medical problems arise, when he say something stupid, when she buy that dress knowing we can't afford it, whenever.

And, furthermore- using cheating as a response to "you ain't making me happy" is a cop-out. That's what people need to understand- NO MAN OR WOMAN HAS THE POWER TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. Being happy is a choice. There is always a reason to be unhappy in life, there will always be a "reason" to cheat on your spouse if you so choose to.

Being faithful to your partner isn't about them so much- it's about you. ANd, if you decide to cheat- YOU will pay the price in addition to causing additional heartache, for what?

We need to learn how to control ourselves despite what anybody else is doing. And, if the marriage is so bad it's got your burning with flames of desire for another person's man or someone besides your spouse, you need to seriously reconsider your decision to stay married, or find a way to do something about it.

IMHO.

I'm one of those women who believes I can make my marriage work, (with VERY FEW exceptions) because that's what I choose to do.That's what grown people should do if they decide to get married- hence the importance in choosing to marry a person in which the good will always outweigh the bad.

It all still boils down to making good, profitable decisions.

It takes two to make a marriage work. The third person ALWAYS causes problems.

 

[Ladybelle]

That's why I'm a strong believer in COMMUNICATION, RESPECT and COMPROMISE. It all boils down to these three things.

If you've spoken to your spouse about things that are bothering you (COMMUNICATION) and he says he's going to change and doesn't (DISRESPECT), then this is what leads to more problems. Everything he does will start to bother you. What you once found cute will be an annoyance and then you become this shrill of a woman that he doesn't want to be around anymore. You also don't want to be around him either, but there's nothing either one of you can do right now, because you have shared expenses and probably children.

It's only when both people are willing to COMPROMISE is when things can happen. It can't be all or nothing. I'm sure that he has issues with you too, but if you're not willing to listen or make changes yourself, then why should he?

I don't know the situation with John Edwards and his wife, but like I said before, the "mistress" wouldn't have succumbed to HIS advances if he didn't make his desires known FIRST. Yeah, she could have said no, but she didn't want to. John's a cutie why should she?

Mrs. Edwards is still stupid for putting up with it. She wrote this book for what?? All I see is a stupid woman being delusional by blaming the "temptress" that tried to take all that SHE built together with her husband. I'd respect her more if she divorced him, then she could blame whomever she wants for the demise of her marriage.

The fact of the matter remains is that this particular mistress was not his FIRST. He's been cheating on this woman for awhile.

because women who sleep with married men are low-down, trifling, desperate,home-wrecking hoze! that's why. Women like her, give women a bad name. It takes class & integrity to say you know what, you need to be dealing with your wife. You may not value your marriage, but I value ME. Women must value themselves or else you end up used up.

mindsets like this is the very reason why women don't trust each other and obviously shouldn't.

"ooh her husband cute- i'd do him". just nasty.

 

[jada1111]

i'm sure you mean *you* as in any woman in a relationship,and I understand that,but I will venture out to say that most women do not pick a man who she thinks will inevitably cheat on her. In fact, Ms. Edwards said the only thing she asked John to give her when they got married was faithfulness.

Here's the thing: from the beginning of time, women have been able to lure men in. Adam wasn't thinking about the forbidden fruit until Eve bought her sexy behind up to him with it. He couldn't resist! There are also studies done on this very thing.

Don't get me wrong: I do believe that men are capable of being faithful. I'm married to a very faithful man. But this is an area of weakness for a lot of men, they are wired that way. Women on the other hand, we are often lured in via our emotions. We can control our emotions, but it takes extra effort than it would for a man to control his. (generally speaking)

Hence - the harder it is for a man to go get some on the sly, the easier it is for him to deal with the initial feeling that causes him to want to cheat.

I hate the "men are wired that way" excuse for their unfaithfulness. Women have the SAME desires as men, but we're taught to keep it in control, because of being called a slut, whore, blah, blah, to HELL WITH THAT MESS!

If I can stay faithful, then so can you. I'm not going to take my anger out on his mistress, unless it's some *itch I know and she's been smiling in my face while doing him. Only then will I have to catch a case. He's the one I married. I don't care if she smiled and/or jiggled her breasts in his face either. Unfaithfulness will not be tolerated and you most definitely can't get up in my face and tell me you got some stupid *itch pregnant either. That's grounds for me to whup your arse (and catch another case), because you had sex with her RAW - meaning you could transmit all types of diseases to me (DISRESPECT).

If I'm in a relationship I tell the person straight up to let me know when you're not happy about something. If it's something I feel comfortable changing I will, if it's not, then I won't and we'll have to part friends. I'd rather do that then have you disrespect me by cheating. There's no coming back from that in MY eyes.

 

[tiara76]

It shouldn't matter whether he's happy or not. Happy, unhappy, mad, sad, glad - one should have made the conscious decision to be faithful no matter what the other person has or has not done to or for you.

Being faithful, just like being married is a choice.

conscious thoughts and decisions only make up a small part of our choices and our realities and what transpires....and it only plays a big part when we are aware that our subconscious plays the main part

our subconscious where our beliefs and true feelings reside are what really run the show.....negative feelings, limiting belief patterns, repressed feelings play a big role in showing up outside of yourself into your reality and your waking conscious has no control over this until a certain awareness level is attained...at this awareness level we then know that what unfolds outside of us are things we create from within.....many couples vibrate on the same levels with the same sorts of feelings and issues to work out even if situations, circumstances and actions or behaviors may be different...and people entering the situation esp with issues of fidelities are other people vibrating with the same energy and issues as well, unless one person in the couple raises their energy and is vibrating on different levels and the other person doesn't change, another person will come in who is better suited for the person and a strong enough sway and vibrating to better levels will be a strong force to reckon with and make it real hard to not leave to be with the other person..or it could be the person who leaves goes to somebody still on lower levels leaving the person who is rising to higher levels (which is a blessing)

what we don't address within will show up outside of us, esp in our relationships and all parties involved play a part in how things go down...

take blame out of the equation and add accountability and responsibility for ones own personal well being on emotional, mental, physical and spiritual levels and the changes within start to trigger the changes outside....either those in ur life will change for the better to go along with ur betterment of urself in ways where they better themselves or they will be removed from ur life (unless one tries to hold on of course) then issues start to get resolved instead of made into bigger more complicated problems

 

[Ladybelle]

I hate the "men are wired that way" excuse for their unfaithfulness. Women have the SAME desires as men, but we're taught to keep it in control, because of being called a slut, whore, blah, blah, to HELL WITH THAT MESS!

If I can stay faithful, then so can you. I'm not going to take my anger out on his mistress, unless it's some *itch I know and she's been smiling in my face while doing him. Only then will I have to catch a case. He's the one I married. I don't care if she smiled and/or jiggled her breasts in his face either. Unfaithfulness will not be tolerated and you most definitely can't get up in my face and tell me you got some stupid *itch pregnant either. That's grounds for me to whup your arse (and catch another case), because you had sex with her RAW - meaning you could transmit all types of diseases to me (DISRESPECT).

If I'm in a relationship I tell the person straight up to let me know when you're not happy about something. If it's something I feel comfortable changing I will, if it's not, then I won't and we'll have to part friends. I'd rather do that then have you disrespect me by cheating. There's no coming back from that in MY eyes.

I agree with the bolded, I wouldn't go calling the mistress up or go all postal on her but--. My point is - women should not be sleeping with men they know that are married. Simple as that. If you don't place value on marriage (even if it's not your own) how can you expect your own to have any value?

Women can totally change the game up on men - if we could get on one accord when it comes to common values and such. But, I'm probably wishing on a star to hope that would happen.

Both parties should be held accountable. The man of course, he's the one who stepped out. I'm not saying he's not blameless, cuz he is to blame. But the mistress is also committing adultery and is not an innocent party.

I married a faithful man (on purpose) but I have been with him and seen women try to get up on him. I'm like wth?? If they can disrespect me so flagrantly, I know they have no respect for themselves. We needs to change that.

 

[jada1111]

I totally disagree with you, respectfully might I add. Cheating only makes whatever problem you may have had, worse. It adds another problem to the problem.

If one is so miserable they feel the need to cheat, they need to leave the relationship.

And, I STRONGLY believe that cheating/infidelity/adultery etc is not a relationship problem (although it causes them) it is a CHARACTER problem.

When you decide to say i do, the i do is not just when you happy. It's every day,all day. It's when he lose his job, when she gains weight, when the babies won't let you get some when you want it, when medical problems arise, when he say something stupid, when she buy that dress knowing we can't afford it, whenever.

And, furthermore- using cheating as a response to "you ain't making me happy" is a cop-out. That's what people need to understand- NO MAN OR WOMAN HAS THE POWER TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. Being happy is a choice. There is always a reason to be unhappy in life, there will always be a "reason" to cheat on your spouse if you so choose to.

Being faithful to your partner isn't about them so much- it's about you. ANd, if you decide to cheat- YOU will pay the price in addition to causing additional heartache, for what?

We need to learn how to control ourselves despite what anybody else is doing. And, if the marriage is so bad it's got your burning with flames of desire for another person's man or someone besides your spouse, you need to seriously reconsider your decision to stay married, or find a way to do something about it.

IMHO.

I'm one of those women who believes I can make my marriage work, (with VERY FEW exceptions) because that's what I choose to do.That's what grown people should do if they decide to get married- hence the importance in choosing to marry a person in which the good will always outweigh the bad.

It all still boils down to making good, profitable decisions.

It takes two to make a marriage work. The third person ALWAYS causes problems.

First off, I want to apologize to you saying you're living in a fantasy world. I should have prefaced it with "no disrespect, but you're living in a fantasy world". It sounds better. LOL

Second, I agree with 50% of the above post and the other half we will have to stay in respectful disagreement.

I want women to be much stronger with these types of issues and place the blame for the infidelity on where it belongs - the HUSBAND. The other woman made no vows to you and couldn't give two pennies what you feel. If your man wasn't chasing her down so hard, she wouldn't have felt the need to give in, especially if she was already attracted to him for the get go.

Women always blame the other woman more than the louse they married. ALWAYS. Or they make excuses saying "a man will be a man". Well then what about us? We enjoy sex and have lustful feelings also. If we're willing to keep it in check, then so should HE.

 

[Ladybelle]

conscious thoughts and decisions only make up a small part of our choices and our realities and what transpires....and it only plays a big part when we are aware that our subconscious plays the main part

our subconscious where our beliefs and true feelings reside are what really run the show.....negative feelings, limiting belief patterns, repressed feelings play a big role in showing up outside of yourself into your reality and your waking conscious has no control over this until a certain awareness level is attained...at this awareness level we then know that what unfolds outside of us are things we create from within.....many couples vibrate on the same levels with the same sorts of feelings and issues to work out even if situations, circumstances and actions or behaviors may be different...and people entering the situation esp with issues of fidelities are other people vibrating with the same energy and issues as well, unless one person in the couple raises their energy and is vibrating on different levels and the other person doesn't change, another person will come in who is better suited for the person and a strong enough sway and vibrating to better levels will be a strong force to reckon with and make it real hard to not leave to be with the other person..or it could be the person who leaves goes to somebody still on lower levels leaving the person who is rising to higher levels (which is a blessing)

what we don't address within will show up outside of us, esp in our relationships and all parties involved play a part in how things go down...

take blame out of the equation and add accountability and responsibility for ones own personal well being on emotional, mental, physical and spiritual levels and the changes within start to trigger the changes outside....either those in ur life will change for the better to go along with ur betterment of urself in ways where they better themselves or they will be removed from ur life (unless one tries to hold on of course) then issues start to get resolved instead of made into bigger more complicated problems

i agree with you, somewhat. I think once you make a conscious decision to do something, it can be done.

Subconsciously one can eat - just to be eating or for an emotional release but once you make the conscious decision to not eat emotionally, you can recognize the temptation to overeat and make a conscious decision not to do it.

it's not always easy, but most things worth having aren't easy. If being faithful or being happily married were easy, the divorce rate would be so much lower.

 

[Ladybelle]

First off, I want to apologize to you saying you're living in a fantasy world. I should have prefaced it with "no disrespect, but you're living in a fantasy world". It sounds better. LOL

Second, I agree with 50% of the above post and the other half we will have to stay in respectful disagreement.

I want women to be much stronger with these types of issues and place the blame for the infidelity on where it belongs - the HUSBAND. The other woman made no vows to you and couldn't give two pennies what you feel. If your man wasn't chasing her down so hard, she wouldn't have felt the need to give in, especially if she was already attracted to him for the get go.

Women always blame the other woman more than the louse they married. ALWAYS. Or they make excuses saying "a man will be a man". Well then what about us? We enjoy sex and have lustful feelings also. If we're willing to keep it in check, then so should HE.

thanks for the preface, i didn't take any offense at all. I don't know why it helps but the little prefaces do help soften any possible blow or reason to be offended.

i think we are agreeing with each other for the most part. the only disagreement we have is that the other woman (who knows a man is married) shouldn't have any blame.

i agree with the bolded especially.

But the way i feel about this goes both ways, if a woman cheats on her husband with a man who KNEW she was married, i would feel the same way about his homewrecking behind.

The anger at the cheating spouse goes without question, but the knowing accomplice gets no respect either. the same mantra holds true with my children- if my oldest one sees the little one doing something she knows he shouldn't be doing & willingly participates in said wrongdoing- she is punished also, even if he did do it first. It doesn't matter- wrong is wrong and you have to learn there are consequences that come with wrongdoing.

 

[tiara76]

i agree with you, somewhat. I think once you make a conscious decision to do something, it can be done.

Subconsciously one can eat - just to be eating or for an emotional release but once you make the conscious decision to not eat emotionally, you can recognize the temptation to overeat and make a conscious decision not to do it.

it's not always easy, but most things worth having aren't easy. If being faithful or being happily married were easy, the divorce rate would be so much lower.

a conscious decision to fight against "temptations" can be done, however where do those temptations and behaviors come from??? they are buried deep down within and u can spend ur whole life "fighting" "resisting" on a conscious level and think u are doing something...however until the core issue is addressed it will keep finding ways to surface....its like a child molester trying to repress the urge to molest a child and he can do it if he tries hard enough...but do the urges ever go away..do they ever stop coming up...no not ever and they get harder and harder to fight and they try to come up stronger and stronger to get the attention that the core issue that is making this a problem has got to be addressed and 'cured'...then only will the "temptations" go away and you won't have to try to fight anything

what u don't bring to the light and address will eat u up inside...a strong person isn't a person who can fight "temptations" and destructive actions or feelings...a strong person is the one who can face the core issue of why they have them and heal and release it...the person who "fights' it just avoids it and more times than not the will of ur spirit to bring to light what is holding u back from evolving into love will force it out of you one way or the other and it will keep showing up in ur reality until faced head on...

denial and more repression only leads to more destructive behavior

 

[Lovelylife]

It shouldn't be that easy for men to cheat.
Women need to create more value for ourselves in general.

I don't take any blame off the man in fact there is more blame on the man. But women shouldn't just give themselves away with a snap of the finger.
Just like with an alcoholic. If I had an alcoholic as a friend and I lived with this person, would I store alcohol all on the tables and cabinet right in sight. If I liked wine, I would at least hide, and if the friend goes looking for it extensively, then that is on the friend.
I think a lot of men have a tendency to cheat and run away for their problems. As women we need to pressure men to stop running and face the issues with their wives, we're just enabling them. I think we would see a huge change in society just by encouraging men to deal with their fears and fix what they mess up.

 

[Ladybelle]

a conscious decision to fight against "temptations" can be done, however where do those temptations and behaviors come from??? they are buried deep down within and u can spend ur whole life "fighting" "resisting" on a conscious level and think u are doing something...however until the core issue is addressed it will keep finding ways to surface....its like a child molester trying to repress the urge to molest a child and he can do it if he tries hard enough...but do the urges ever go away..do they ever stop coming up...no not ever and they get harder and harder to fight and they try to come up stronger and stronger to get the attention that the core issue that is making this a problem has got to be addressed and 'cured'...then only will the "temptations" go away and you won't have to try to fight anything

what u don't bring to the light and address will eat u up inside...a strong person isn't a person who can fight "temptations" and destructive actions or feelings...a strong person is the one who can face the core issue of why they have them and heal and release it...the person who "fights' it just avoids it and more times than not the will of ur spirit to bring to light what is holding u back from evolving into love will force it out of you one way or the other and it will keep showing up in ur reality until faced head on...

denial and more repression only leads to more destructive behavior

You are so deep, very profound insight. to be repetitive: ITA!! I think that coincides with what I said earlier- the decision to cheat is a character issue.

You sound like a poet or a philosopher. Are you?

 

[Ladybelle]

It shouldn't be that easy for men to cheat.
Women need to create more value for ourselves in general.

I don't take any blame off the man in fact there is more blame on the man. But women shouldn't just give themselves away with a snap of the finger.
Just like with an alcoholic. If I had an alcoholic as a friend and I lived with this person, would I store alcohol all on the tables and cabinent right in sight. If I liked wine, I would atleast hide, and if the friend goes looking for it extensively, then that is on the friend.

my sentiments exactly. The same is true for women cheater- I don't want to sound biased against women.

 

[SelahOco]

Me too
And the sad thing is, we say men should control themselves and their urges. That goes for women as well. What does it say about yourself and your character if you will knowingly destroy a family?

I love this. If you think of cheating with a married man as helping him destroy his family and hurt his wife I think it adds a different spin to it. What woman would come on to a man or accept his advances when she KNOWS he's married. These women hear "hey baby, let's hook up" when what he's really saying is:

-Will you help me destroy my family?
-Will you help me hurt my wife?
-Will you help me break my vows?
-Will you help me tear innocent children away from the only home and life they know?
-Can I be the man that helps you ruin your own relationship karma?

...all so he can bust one and avoid dealing with his own life. If a man is a dog, you tell his wife. You certainly do not bend over and let him make a dog out of you too.

 

[tiara76]

You are so deep, very profound insight. to be repetitive: ITA!! I think that coincides with what I said earlier- the decision to cheat is a character issue.

You sound like a poet or a philosopher. Are you?

i like poetry..to read and write it

and

philosophy



hurt people hurt other people...thats what it really boils down to....when you are destroying urself inside u will act in ways to destroy others and u will attract people into ur life who seemingly want to destroy you....we are all mirrors to each other

on another note...every single person walking this planet is a divine soul made up of all the "good" and "bad" character traits....everybody has the capability to be a murderer to a saint....

ask yourself what do others bring out of myself....what do I bring out of other people and you will have a pretty clear idea of what "character" you are playing at the present moment in time

 

[Ladybelle]

I love this. If you think of cheating with a married man as helping him destroy his family and hurt his wife I think it adds a different spin to it. What woman would come on to a man or accept his advances when she KNOWS he's married. These women hear "hey baby, let's hook up" when what he's really saying is:

-Will you help me destroy my family?
-Will you help me hurt my wife?
-Will you help me break my vows?
-Will you help me tear innocent children away from the only home and life they know?
-Can I be the man that helps you ruin your own relationship karma?

...all so he can bust one and avoid dealing with his own life. If a man is a dog, you tell his wife. You certainly do not bend over and let him make a dog out of you too.

Now,that's so true. I couldn't have said it better myself. If you value yourself, any man who comes in contact with you will have no choice but to.

 

[ebonylocs]

i'm sure you mean *you* as in any woman in a relationship,and I understand that,but I will venture out to say that most women do not pick a man who she thinks will inevitably cheat on her. In fact, Ms. Edwards said the only thing she asked John to give her when they got married was faithfulness.

No, but if cheating is a non-negotiable, then if he cheats, you walk. Full stop. You can't control anyone's actions, you can only control your responses to those actions.

If I have to depend on "sisterhood" to keep my man from cheating, that is a man I DO NOT WANT. So I will not say to any woman, "If my man comes to you looking for somewhere warm and wet to put it, don't give him any - please, sister, help me keep my man." What i would say to her is, "If my man comes to you looking for somewhere warm and wet to put it, (whether you give him any or not), let me know so I can dump his arse." Why? Because her response to his approach is IRRELEVANT. All that matters is the fact that he would make those approaches. *That* tells me what type of man I have, and gives me all the info I need to make a decision about my relationship.

Here's the thing: from the beginning of time, women have been able to lure men in. Adam wasn't thinking about the forbidden fruit until Eve bought her sexy behind up to him with it. He couldn't resist! There are also studies done on this very thing.

look:
I agree with a lot that you have said in this thread, but we will have to part ways on this one. IMHO, this is just a story made up by sexist theocrats, who for centuries (in all the Abrahamic religions) have sought to blame female sexuality for males' lack of self-control.

Me too
And the sad thing is, we say men should control themselves and their urges. That goes for women as well. What does it say about yourself and your character if you will knowingly destroy a family?

The thing is, this goes without saying. Is there even a debate that the "home wrecker", male or female, is a very very very bad person??

But can you control her? No.

That guy Covey that wrote "The Seven Secrets of Highly Successful People" speaks about making sure that your "Circle of Concern" matches your "Circle of Influence", i.e. before you get yourself in knots over something, ask your self if it's something that you can *possibly* impact / influence. If not, don't waste your energy worrying about it.

Applying this:
Can you control the beauty or sexiness of women out there? No.
Can you control any low morals and standards they might have? No.

What can you control? You can control whether or not you choose a particular man, and you can control your reaction if you discover that he is cheating.

Asking women to join hands, all have high standards and never get with a cheating man is like asking all black people to raise themselves up, asking all nations to cooperate and stop all wars, asking OPEC to stop fixing oil prices and cooperate with fuel consumers, asking everyone to never drop litter, recycle and take care of the environment, etc etc. I.e. it is a nice ideal, a sweet PSA, but you will *never* get everyone on board.