Am I Out of Line????

[FunkyMunky]

Okay, so I have been talking to this really sweet together mid 30's divorcee with a 6 year old son for a couple of months now. We are both single parents and everything is cool and we both know what we want at this stage in our lives. We live about 2 hours from each other and have plans to meet after xmas for a few days.

Issue:

His 6 year old son sleeps with him in his bed every night and they live in a 5 bedroom house. erplexed He says _____ and I are going to bed. I asked him if his son was afraid to sleep in his own bed and he said no that he has been sleeping with him since he was an infant (after he separated). He said its nice that he has someone to hug up with etc... Its crazy to hear him getting ready for bed and he says his son is watching tv waiting for him to get in and you hear the little boy in the background asking him when is hecoming to bed. At first he made it seem like his son was clingy and jealous but I now know its him. When his son goes to his mothers place for the weekend, he literally sits at home depressed until he returns and when he does get back he is giddy like a kid.

I said to him how are you making room for a partner if you can't get your son out of your bed? He said that wouldn't be a problem but I told him I thought it would be a problem, that he should start adjusting him now. This was at the beginning when he made it seem like it was the son but it's him.

IMO it feels like he treats his son like his best friend and partner and it bothers me. "Are you coming to get me or what?" thats what the son said when he was delayed an hour to come get him. He jumps up and down for his son, dropping off/picking up on a whine (sometimes multiples times per day), catering to his every whim. His son has been seen holding hands and talks about kissing a little girl at school. He thinks its cute. I am in no way trying to come between him and his son because I have my own son but I think its hurting both of them.

My son (8) is very well behaved, he doesn't talk back, he doesn't whine, he claims to have a girlfriend at school but its the way we use to have a bf/gf crush in 3rd grade. My son sleeps in his own bed 98% of the time unless we go somewhere that the accommodations are limited or if I haven't seen him in a few days (because of work) he may try to sleep with me or I ask him. Often times he declines.

I am concerned that this 6 year olds habits will negatively influence my son and I won't stand for flippant behavior in any child. I know that if we were to go the long haul we would get family counseling.....period.

So ladies, am I out of line for feeling this way???? Should I break it off????

 

[PaperClip]

No, you are clearly within reasonable lines of concern.

 

[TwistedRoots]

Children are a big issue in any relationship, especially if they are not your own. I can understand your concern with this "problem". If it bothers you that much perhaps you should call it quits. Mainly because if someone came into your life and tells you how to raise your child or gives there opinion/two sense;It seems as if they are trying to undermind what you are doing as a parent at the least you would be offended. That topic can get ugly...choose your battles carefully.

 

[Syrah]

I dunno - this is a tough one.

When I was younger whenever one of my folks would go out of town for business (typically my father) I would climb in bed with the other until they came home.

It's sad how Michael Jackson has us all a little suspicious...

On another level, what he is doing is creating a SERIOUS dependency. What happens when you spend the night - are you on the couch while him and the l'il fella are in the bed???

 

[FunkyMunky]

I dunno - this is a tough one.

When I was younger whenever one of my folks would go out of town for business (typically my father) I would climb in bed with the other until they came home.

It's sad how Michael Jackson has us all a little suspicious...

On another level, what he is doing is creating a SERIOUS dependency. What happens when you spend the night - are you on the couch while him and the l'il fella are in the bed???

The thing is I think he is creating serious dependency for himself. His son has a life and he doesn't. Its as if he is lost when his son is away, like a wife watching the clock for her husband to come home. I don't believe there is anything bad going on in the bed. I just feel like if at 6 he isn't ready to sleep in his own bed at what age will he be ready? His son has never really slept in his own bed.

If you want someone in your life you have to make room in your life for them. IMO, his bed is not available for an available partner. I respect the fact that he is a single father raising his son since infancy, same here but this bed thing is a turn off. Also, if we are talking before he falls asleep his son is right there listening to his conversation (nothing sexual though).

 

[tocktick]

just to put it out there, i wouldn't say anything "shady" was going on because this guy is so open with his behaviour, so that leads me to believe he sees nothing wrong with what he's doing because to him it's innocent. people who aren't engaging in innocent actions with children tend to highly secretive of this behaviour and the children are usually very withdrawn.

anyway, my little brother used to sleep with my mum and her ex-husband (his dad) for quite a while. i think the parents are more to blame than the children. the child initially wants to stay in the same room for that comfort and "safety" aspect but after the child is a certain age, it's not really appropriate any more but the parent refuses to implement the switch to the child's own bed. imo, it teaches the child to be too reliant on their parent(s), not as independent and just to not act their age. as demonstrated by the guys son being impatient and snappy.

as it goes, i slept in my mum's bed probably 70% of the time up until i was around 9. it's was mainly for the reasons above (safety, comfort) and the fact that i really just adored my mum. i was also the "baby" at the time and liked to play up to this role. it was also partially due to the fact that my parents had separated not too long ago; i never used to sleep in my parent's bed when they were married. that behaviour only really came into effect when they had periods of separation, when they got back together it stopped. when they had divorced, it was more frequent. maybe his son is the same way.

in this guys scenario, i almost feel sorry for him. i mean, it's so fantastic that he has a great relationship with his son but it's not the action that's really the problem but the potential reasons behind it are questionable. i think he's been lonely for quite a way and sees his son as the only stable and permanent thing in his life. there are a lot of parent's out there living solely for their children. this is not as bad thing in itself but sometimes things go over-board when the parent becomes restrictive and doesn't let the child be free often or at all. they become too dependent on their child/children being their main source of joy, entertainment, happiness etc.

this guys actions are problematic because he's not really letting another person in his life right now. what will happen when the child goes to university or gets married and moves away? the parent needs to establish another relationship that will provide some kind of long-lasting happiness besides the one he has with his son.

btw, i don't think you're wrong for wanting to end this. you should only put yourself in situations that you feel comfortable with and do not compromise your beliefs.

 

[firecracker]

Children are a big issue in any relationship, especially if they are not your own. I can understand your concern with this "problem". If it bothers you that much perhaps you should call it quits. Mainly because if someone came into your life and tells you how to raise your child or gives there opinion/two sense;It seems as if they are trying to undermind what you are doing as a parent at the least you would be offended. That topic can get ugly...choose your battles carefully.

ITA even though I think the father is creating a monster.

 

[stinastina]

The thing is I think he is creating serious dependency for himself. His son has a life and he doesn't. Its as if he is lost when his son is away, like a wife watching the clock for her husband to come home. I don't believe there is anything bad going on in the bed. I just feel like if at 6 he isn't ready to sleep in his own bed at what age will he be ready? His son has never really slept in his own bed.

If you want someone in your life you have to make room in your life for them. IMO, his bed is not available for an available partner. I respect the fact that he is a single father raising his son since infancy, same here but this bed thing is a turn off. Also, if we are talking before he falls asleep his son is right there listening to his conversation (nothing sexual though).

I think you are on target with your assessment. But if he keeps coming up with excuses, he may not be ready to let his child go. Ask yourself if you can be patient and how long you would give him to start making some changes. What if it takes him another 4 years ?

 

[FunkyMunky]

Okay, I will fall back until the end of this month when we see each other and then I will be able to better assess things. Other than this sleeping in the bed issue he seems on point. I am not really worried about his son running me.

Please keep the advice coming, especially those of you that have had to deal with this type of issue or step-parenting problems.

BTW, to help with advice, the child's mother is not really in the picture, even when she has him she has other things to do so he has been doing most of the parenting on his own. Not that that's an excuse

Because there are 2 sides to every story, I asked him what her reason would be for them breaking up. Without hesitation he said we should ask her. He then patched her in on the line (I stayed quiet) and asked her. She admitted to cheating because he was working too much at the time. So I think that said a lot on his end to make the call. They were together for 7 years, married 1, separated a few months after she had the baby.

Ya'll help me keep my damn mouth close for a while. PLEASE!!!

 

[amwcah]

Okay, I will fall back until the end of this month when we see each other and then I will be able to better assess things. Other than this sleeping in the bed issue he seems on point. I am not really worried about his son running me.

Please keep the advice coming, especially those of you that have had to deal with this type of issue or step-parenting problems.

BTW, to help with advice, the child's mother is not really in the picture, even when she has him she has other things to do so he has been doing most of the parenting on his own. Not that that's an excuse

Because there are 2 sides to every story, I asked him what her reason would be for them breaking up. Without hesitation he said we should ask her. He then patched her in on the line (I stayed quiet) and asked her. She admitted to cheating because he was working too much at the time. So I think that said a lot on his end to make the call. They were together for 7 years, married 1, separated a few months after she had the baby.

Ya'll help me keep my damn mouth close for a while. PLEASE!!![/quote]

This would really irritate me. I won't be able to keep my mouth close. You hang in there. He really seems like a nice guy. He most definitely did not have to let you speak to the ex-wife. He has taken on the mother and father role based on what you have stated about the mother's non-involvement. Maybe he feels this is a motherly thing to do or perhaps this is something he experienced in his up bringing.

Has he had the opportunity to observe you with your son at all?

 

[firecracker]

Smoky you can zip your lip by reminding yourself of his other grand qualities. I know what your feeling as you are teaching your child to be a big boy and there he is babying his son. Irritating but not worth wasting your breathe cuz that child can't sleep with him forever. He's keeping your spot warm for ya honey!

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I certainly believe that this is an issue that can be fixed. Please dont break it off for this reason. I believe that you should take a little time to gather your thoughts and you should approach him to discuss this at the right time. He may not be willing to listen if you are half mad and throwing a fit, but if you are calm and tell him its something on your mind, then i hope he's willing to listen. The most important thing is to fully discuss this and know where he stands BEFORE u guys take the relationship further. But this sounds like something a little talking and counseling can take care of.

 

[pressncurl]

It's sad how Michael Jackson has us all a little suspicious...

I am too mad at you for blaming Michael Jackson for all this. Where's MissJ?

Okay, to respond to the OP . . .
I'm not a parent, but this seems very wierd to me. Is this the only aspect of his behavior that you have found questionable?

 

[Suerte]

No you are not out of line.

This story reminds me of my 6 year old nephew.

His parents are still together but I know that my nephew is way behind what he should be. He is 6 but behaves like a 2 or 3 year old. He is so catered to and pampered he shuns other children, they still brush his teeth and tie his shoes. He is and can not even get dressed by himself, he can't even unbuckle the seat belt - he probably COULD be he just won't try. He will cry until he gets help instead. He still clings to peoples legs and hides behind legs even though he is almost up to all of our waists. He still sleeps in the bed with my brother and his wife. He sleeps in the bed with my mother when he visits her. He is so dependent. The parents and him are way too depended with eachother. It is really not healthy and needs to stop.

I don't think you are out of line. You're thinking about what's best for parent and child. They will probably think you're out of line because they are just doing what is comfortable for them.

Either you have to find a totally non offensive way of having a serious discussion about this...or you just need to deal with it (or walk away from the situation altogether).

That lil boy is his father's crutch/security blanket. That's not healthy.

 

[FunkyMunky]

Thanks ladies. I have pretty much decided to let him and his son go but I haven't verbalized it yet.

I can foresee I will be the "evil" stepmother and a nurse in the long run.

Another reason I decided to let it go is because I don't think he takes his health seriously and he doesn't seem like he will.

He has high cholesterol and has been prescribed meds. However, he still eats pizza and wings like a teenager, at times binges on 1 can of Pringles, pigged out on holiday food, and drank like an idiot. I told him how much fat was in a can of Pringles (60g) and he said he wasn't concerned about the fat but he knows he ate a lot of sodium. I told him how could you not be concerned about fat and you have high cholesterol. What an idiot!!! He isn't trying to eat healthier at all.

Thanksgiving weekend he ate and drank so much that his stomach hurt for 3 weeks afterward. Did he cut back? No! He ended up going to the doctor and she admitted him asap thinking he had appendicitis. Turns out he had an ulcer. You all should've heard how much noise that little boy was making in his hospital room and he couldn't control him. Anyway,
2 minutes out of the hospital and drugged up on 5 meds, he started talking about how much he was going to eat at an upcoming party and that he was going to medicate himself up until then so that he would be okay. At the party he ate everything in sight and he even purchased a bottle of this very hot Trinidadian hot sauce to take with him and nearly finished the entire bottle. He is only 35 and I expressed my concern about him not taking his health seriously because I can foresee this being a problem. I made a joke about him possibly not being able to get it up because at the rate he was going he was headed for more meds and more meds equal potential erection problems. This fool said he would get Viagra. I told him no doctor is going to prescribe Viagra to a man with heart issues that refuses to change his habits.

I can just see us at 45 and he can't perform. He thinks its funny, just like he thinks his son behavior is funny. He made a comment about the fact that he is just being stubborn. Its disgusting to hear him talk on a daily basis about food and his unwillingness to cut back or alter his eating habits. I also don't really see where he exercises. I'm not going to set myself up to be a caregiver 10-15 years from now because the person was too silly to take their health issues seriously today.

Some of you may think I am taking this a little too far but experience has taught me that if I you foresee something being a problem then why try to reinvent the wheel. It is what it is. Often times we think the game is different for us and in the long run we find out it isn't.

 

[Country gal]

My son use to sleep with me. I would put him back in his bed and he would sneak back into my bed in the middle of the night when he was little. Now he likes to sleep in his bed unless on a rare occasion he is sick and wants to be closer to mom.

The dad needs to break the dependency on both ends. When it is just you and your child the lines of the relationship become a little blur. Sometimes the kids become more on the level of a adult versus playing their role as a child.

 

[Country gal]

No you are not out of line.

This story reminds me of my 6 year old nephew.

His parents are still together but I know that my nephew is way behind what he should be. He is 6 but behaves like a 2 or 3 year old. He is so catered to and pampered he shuns other children, they still brush his teeth and tie his shoes. He is and can not even get dressed by himself, he can't even unbuckle the seat belt - he probably COULD be he just won't try. He will cry until he gets help instead. He still clings to peoples legs and hides behind legs even though he is almost up to all of our waists. He still sleeps in the bed with my brother and his wife. He sleeps in the bed with my mother when he visits her. He is so dependent. The parents and him are way too depended with eachother. It is really not healthy and needs to stop.

I don't think you are out of line. You're thinking about what's best for parent and child. They will probably think you're out of line because they are just doing what is comfortable for them.

Either you have to find a totally non offensive way of having a serious discussion about this...or you just need to deal with it (or walk away from the situation altogether).

That lil boy is his father's crutch/security blanket. That's not healthy.

Abnormal and scary. We are making our boys whimps.

 

[Colliecole]

Thanks ladies. I have pretty much decided to let him and his son go but I haven't verbalized it yet.

I can foresee I will be the "evil" stepmother and a nurse in the long run.

Another reason I decided to let it go is because I don't think he takes his health seriously and he doesn't seem like he will.

He has high cholesterol and has been prescribed meds. However, he still eats pizza and wings like a teenager, at times binges on 1 can of Pringles, pigged out on holiday food, and drank like an idiot. I told him how much fat was in a can of Pringles (60g) and he said he wasn't concerned about the fat but he knows he ate a lot of sodium. I told him how could you not be concerned about fat and you have high cholesterol. What an idiot!!! He isn't trying to eat healthier at all.

Thanksgiving weekend he ate and drank so much that his stomach hurt for 3 weeks afterward. Did he cut back? No! He ended up going to the doctor and she admitted him asap thinking he had appendicitis. Turns out he had an ulcer. You all should've heard how much noise that little boy was making in his hospital room and he couldn't control him. Anyway,
2 minutes out of the hospital and drugged up on 5 meds, he started talking about how much he was going to eat at an upcoming party and that he was going to medicate himself up until then so that he would be okay. At the party he ate everything in sight and he even purchased a bottle of this very hot Trinidadian hot sauce to take with him and nearly finished the entire bottle. He is only 35 and I expressed my concern about him not taking his health seriously because I can foresee this being a problem. I made a joke about him possibly not being able to get it up because at the rate he was going he was headed for more meds and more meds equal potential erection problems. This fool said he would get Viagra. I told him no doctor is going to prescribe Viagra to a man with heart issues that refuses to change his habits.

I can just see us at 45 and he can't perform. He thinks its funny, just like he thinks his son behavior is funny. He made a comment about the fact that he is just being stubborn. Its disgusting to hear him talk on a daily basis about food and his unwillingness to cut back or alter his eating habits. I also don't really see where he exercises. I'm not going to set myself up to be a caregiver 10-15 years from now because the person was too silly to take their health issues seriously today.

Some of you may think I am taking this a little too far but experience has taught me that if I you foresee something being a problem then why try to reinvent the wheel. It is what it is. Often times we think the game is different for us and in the long run we find out it isn't.

I feel you on this one....is seems that the two of you have very different goals and priorities.

I can see this man holding off as long as possible to get his son out of his bed. I say this because I went throught this living at my sisters house....I had to get my neice to stop sleeping in my sister's bed once my she met her fiance a yr ago. My neice was 4 yrs old, very stubborn and dominating pesonality (like your guys sons seems to be) and girl, IT WAS SOOOO HARD! I had to carry this girl out of her moms room kicking and screaming every night for about 2 weeks. After a month she finally stopped crying....And the hardest part was during the first 2 weeks I'd put my neice in her room, she'd get right back up and go into her moms room, and my sister would say "oh its okay for her to sleep in here tonight..." So I had to explain to my sister how this was going to ruin her relationship.....and she didnt wanna hear that. A few nights my sister even cried about it because my neice wouldnt stop SHREIKING in her room, and she felt so bad for her...

...... Needless to say, I don't see him going through all this when he's got his own attachement issues he aint even admitted yet, AND you guys aren't permanent yet

 

[MizAvalon]

Thanks ladies. I have pretty much decided to let him and his son go but I haven't verbalized it yet.

I can foresee I will be the "evil" stepmother and a nurse in the long run.

Another reason I decided to let it go is because I don't think he takes his health seriously and he doesn't seem like he will.

He has high cholesterol and has been prescribed meds. However, he still eats pizza and wings like a teenager, at times binges on 1 can of Pringles, pigged out on holiday food, and drank like an idiot. I told him how much fat was in a can of Pringles (60g) and he said he wasn't concerned about the fat but he knows he ate a lot of sodium. I told him how could you not be concerned about fat and you have high cholesterol. What an idiot!!! He isn't trying to eat healthier at all.

Thanksgiving weekend he ate and drank so much that his stomach hurt for 3 weeks afterward. Did he cut back? No! He ended up going to the doctor and she admitted him asap thinking he had appendicitis. Turns out he had an ulcer. You all should've heard how much noise that little boy was making in his hospital room and he couldn't control him. Anyway,
2 minutes out of the hospital and drugged up on 5 meds, he started talking about how much he was going to eat at an upcoming party and that he was going to medicate himself up until then so that he would be okay. At the party he ate everything in sight and he even purchased a bottle of this very hot Trinidadian hot sauce to take with him and nearly finished the entire bottle. He is only 35 and I expressed my concern about him not taking his health seriously because I can foresee this being a problem. I made a joke about him possibly not being able to get it up because at the rate he was going he was headed for more meds and more meds equal potential erection problems. This fool said he would get Viagra. I told him no doctor is going to prescribe Viagra to a man with heart issues that refuses to change his habits.

I can just see us at 45 and he can't perform. He thinks its funny, just like he thinks his son behavior is funny. He made a comment about the fact that he is just being stubborn. Its disgusting to hear him talk on a daily basis about food and his unwillingness to cut back or alter his eating habits. I also don't really see where he exercises. I'm not going to set myself up to be a caregiver 10-15 years from now because the person was too silly to take their health issues seriously today.

Some of you may think I am taking this a little too far but experience has taught me that if I you foresee something being a problem then why try to reinvent the wheel. It is what it is. Often times we think the game is different for us and in the long run we find out it isn't.

Wise decision. At the rate this guy is going, he is going to be a mess by 50.

I have seen this in my own family. Eating like a glutton, heavy drinking, no excercise, etc. It seems like 40 is the magic number when their bodies start breaking down.

He went through an entire bottle of hot sauce at a party, by himself?perplexed

 

[FunkyMunky]

Wow!!! It is so refreshing to read that I am not being ridiculous. Even though he seems like he is a great guy there are more fish in the sea.

And yes, homeboy ate nearly an entire bottle of hot sauce by himself at the party.

On top of that he went to the Cheesecake Factory with his family on Monday night and ordered jimbalaya. He talked about how greasy and good it was and how his stomach was paying for it. When I asked him why he didn't order fish and rice or veggies he talked about fresh fish versus frozen. Then he proceeded to joke about Kaiser Hospital keeping his room permanently available.

 

[Laginappe]

Wow!!! It is so refreshing to read that I am not being ridiculous. Even though he seems like he is a great guy there are more fish in the sea.

And yes, homeboy ate nearly an entire bottle of hot sauce by himself at the party.

On top of that he went to the Cheesecake Factory with his family on Monday night and ordered jimbalaya. He talked about how greasy and good it was and how his stomach was paying for it. When I asked him why he didn't order fish and rice or veggies he talked about fresh fish versus frozen. Then he proceeded to joke about Kaiser Hospital keeping his room permanently available.

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. The future with this guy does NOT look bright! Lots of caretaking long before you'd expect to have to do that for your spouse.

The only way a woman should take him on is if he comes with MILLIONS of dollars worth of insurance. Life, disability, long-term disability, long-term care (for when he ends up in a convo hospital)... and on and on. Other than that PASS!

 

[firecracker]

Ok wow way more going on then a child needing to sleep in his own bed at an appropriate age. Dude is a greedy sumthin sumthin. I thought I got excited about food but dang