Am I in an Abusive Relationship? Kinda Long

[Starronda]

Ok ladies let me explain. Some of my friends say yes, most of them say no...Here it goes.

I've been seeing the same person since February 2009. At first we were just sleeping with each other, but now we go out, spend a little more time and of course still sleep together..So you say, whats the problem, right? Well....

My SO is Italian, 6'2 and lift weights, so standing by him I look like an ant. When we go out men don't even bother to look my way, he's very intimidating. Latley we've been arguing back and fourth, when I'm not with him he's always saying I'm sleeping with someone else and other hurtful things. Monday when we're making love he was tightly holding my neck and saying I need to stop playing games and be there with him blah blah blah..That was the first time he's done that...Yesterday while making love he "lightly" slapped my face and once again said I need to stop acting like I do blah blah blah.. I'm confused because I know some men like things like that during sex, but I don't know if it's that or if he's actually doing it bc of anger..Some of my friends say it's a sex thing, and alot of my friends say it's obvious that he's starting signs of abuse..I just wanted the opinion of ladies thats not in my circle of friends. Thx for listening.

 

[Maracujá]

I hope the experts chime in soon but I have a question: is he saying sexually suggestive things while slapping you and things like that?

 

[FlowerHair]

I would say, if you have to ask yourself IF he is abusive or not, my answer is Yes.

A normal, stable guy is easy to read and doesn't do anything in the "grey" area. He will let you know openly if he likes to play rough in bed and make sure you understand that it's only a sex thing

Tell him that you're uncomfortable with it (if you are) and watch his reaction.

I'm definately leaning towards a Yes in this situation...

Take care...

 

[pookaloo83]

I think it might be a sex thing. Is he hurting you? Because you say he lightly slapped you. I think you should talk with him about it and ask him if he's serious or not. If you don't like it, I think you should tell him.

 

[Starronda]

I hope the experts chime in soon but I have a question: is he saying sexually suggestive things while slapping you and things like that?

No. I think that's what throwing me off. It's more like "I luv being with you...you need to be here on time and stop bs'ing", "why do you always have to be so difficult", but the two times it happen it wasn't anything sexual that was said.

 

[blaqueskimo]

Your're in an abusive relationship. If he's slapping you but chastising you about your behavior OUT of bed.......... it's not sex play IMO. Plus he's already accusing you of sleeping with other men. Let him go.

 

[Starronda]

I think it might be a sex thing. Is he hurting you? Because you say he lightly slapped you. I think you should talk with him about it and ask him if he's serious or not. If you don't like it, I think you should tell him.

The chocking thing was a little scary because we were arguing before I got there, the slapping was light, but both times, no he didn't hurt me. I think it's his size also and the fact that I'm ALWAYS watching Lifetime like "omg, she didnt see the signs"! I guess I'll try to talk to him firsterplexed

 

[Starronda]

Your're in an abusive relationship. If he's slapping you but chastising you about your behavior OUT of bed.......... it's not sex play IMO. Plus he's already accusing you of sleeping with other men. Let him go.

I know...That's what my best friend said..Plus the name calling and he sleeping with other men thing she said is just mental abuse and she was in an abusive relationship so she says thats the first thing...Thank you for the advice.

 

[Tee]

No. I think that's what throwing me off. It's more like "I luv being with you...you need to be here on time and stop bs'ing", "why do you always have to be so difficult", but the two times it happen it wasn't anything sexual that was said.

Does this man love you? Do you love him? From reading, it seems like it's simply a sexual relationship and he want to hit it when he is ready and doesn't want anyone else to be with you.

Most importantly part, YES, you are in a abusive relationship. He is choking and slapping you and you are sitting around wondering if this is real abuse or not. It will only get worse. If this man is not YOUR man and just a 'F' buddy, he needs to go find someone else to play these games with since it's obvious something you are not into.

I don't mean for my post to come across harsh. I simply hate to see women being played. You are worth more than that. If my post offends you, I apologize in advance. But you did ask for all opinions. It's a mental power trip for him.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Yes, my dear....he seems to be abusive and if you don't put a stop to it now....

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Uhm, he's insecure.
Seriously, he's waiting until you're engaged in the act of sex to say these things to you? I would have expected a coversation prior to the act that would have explained that this is HOW he liked to get down, before he does this. IT seems like he's waiting until you are most vulnerable to act very scary and threatening with you.

I would talk to him about his behavior... before going further.

 

[Ladyhenri]

Your guy sounds like he is fond of you and insecure too. The things you have described sound more like kinky sex to me.

The Q is, do you like it or not?
It sounds like you don't, in which case, you should tell him that you don't feel comfortable with it and he needs to stop it and do other things.


If you do like it, i'd suggest you have a chat with him anyways and know how much of a freak he really is.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Monday when we're making love he was tightly holding my neck and saying I need to stop playing games and be there with him blah blah blah..That was the first time he's done that...Yesterday while making love he "lightly" slapped my face and once again said I need to stop acting like I do blah blah blah..

I hate to sound like an old biddy, but if he's not married you and is sleeping with you AND IN ADDITION, ABUSIVE....he's not "making love" to you. Sweetheart, follow your own intuition. Forget the friends...YOU are the one having to handle it. Follow your gut instincts!!!! You already know the answer. I pray you find the strength and will to do what is right. You may not have a second chance.

 

[prettynatural]

Yes, he is abusive. He uses sex as a weapon to control you and it is part of his value system and he will not change. Most abusive partners are not physical, some use passive-agressiveness, sex, money/finances and verbal abuse to control their mates.

You have to decided if you want to leave this relationship and I am happy that you are taking heed to the red flags. Listen to your gut. Please pick up the book or atleast read through it at the book store.

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. - very informative and it will open your eyes to abusive men. Most abuse doesn't happen everyday, it could happen once a year or once a month the bottom line is it is part of the abuser's value system and he thinks it is perfectly okay to grab your neck during sex to initimate you. Please take heed to your gut and look at this book.
HTH

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

When we go out men don't even bother to look my way, he's very intimidating. Latley we've been arguing back and fourth, when I'm not with him he's always saying I'm sleeping with someone else and other hurtful things.

Okay, Gv has spoken. Ladies, this is not playful sexual fantasies and he's not a little overly protective of her in a "loving" way. Who's supposed to wait for the heavy punches while being throttled just to determine if he's seriously mean or not?

Sigh.....these are serious warning signs. Isn't there a sticky thread about the warning signs of an abusive relationship? Isn't that part of the title? She realizes she's in an abusive relationship already. Oh dear.

 

[Ladyhenri]

Your guy sounds like he is fond of you. The things you have described sound more like kinky sex to me.

The Q is, do you like it or not?
It sounds like you don't, in which case, you should tell him that you don't feel comfortable with it and he needs to stop it and do other things.


If you do like it, i'd suggest you have a chat with him anyways and know how much of a freak he really is.

 

[FRO-EVER 21]

Does this man love you? Do you love him? From reading, it seems like it's simply a sexual relationship and he want to hit it when he is ready and doesn't want anyone else to be with you.

Most importantly part, YES, you are in a abusive relationship. He is choking and slapping you and you are sitting around wondering if this is real abuse or not. It will only get worse. If this man is not YOUR man and just a 'F' buddy, he needs to go find someone else to play these twisted games since it's obvious something you are not into.

I don't mean for my post to come across harsh. I simply hate to see women being played. You are worth more than that. If my post offends you, I apologize in advance. But you did ask for all opinions. It's a mental power trip for him.

I don't think you came off harsh . These were my initial thoughts when reading OP's post as well.

I think that his behavior is inappropiate and indicators that he may become more physically abusive down the road. I can't beleive that it's just a fetish. If it were, I would think he would have the decency to discuss it with you prior to insure you're both into the same thing.

 

[angenoir]

The first thing that disturbed me about OP's post is that the relationship just started out only on a sexual/physical level. So maybe you have not really had time to get to know each other.
IMHO I think no sexual relationship should involve one party doing or saying anything that makes the other person feel hurt or uncomfortable.

OP - Did you ask him about it?

 

[deltagyrl]

Ok ladies let me explain. Some of my friends say yes, most of them say no...Here it goes.

I've been seeing the same person since February 2009. At first we were just sleeping with each other, but now we go out, spend a little more time and of course still sleep together..So you say, whats the problem, right? Well....

My SO is Italian, 6'2 and lift weights, so standing by him I look like an ant. When we go out men don't even bother to look my way, he's very intimidating. Latley we've been arguing back and fourth, when I'm not with him he's always saying I'm sleeping with someone else and other hurtful things. Monday when we're making love he was tightly holding my neck and saying I need to stop playing games and be there with him blah blah blah..That was the first time he's done that...Yesterday while making love he "lightly" slapped my face and once again said I need to stop acting like I do blah blah blah.. I'm confused because I know some men like things like that during sex, but I don't know if it's that or if he's actually doing it bc of anger..Some of my friends say it's a sex thing, and alot of my friends say it's obvious that he's starting signs of abuse..I just wanted the opinion of ladies thats not in my circle of friends. Thx for listening.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm with FlowerHair. Before I even read the post, I was thinking the answer was yes. No one has to ask if they're in an abusive relationship unless, well, there's strong indication that they're in an abusive relationship.

And before I even get to the sex part, the whole fact that you're arguing a lot and he's accusing you of cheating smacks of verbal abuse to me. Plus, men that are adamant about a woman cheating are usually the ones doing the cheating... but anyway...

Being accused of cheating constantly would border on verbal abuse and then the fact that he's gotten rough during sex -- while focusing on your so-called cheating -- basically cements that some abusive behavior is going on. It will only get worse, so I would cut my losses and run now... because really, I don't see much to tell me that he's an "SO," just more of a glorified FWB that you are dating.

 

[Rastafarai]

Slapped and choked during sex while muttering you "need to stop playing games"?

RUN.STARRONDA.RUN.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Also, how many of you remember the story of that Chamberlain guy who was having kinky sex with a girl and they found her body in the park? I'm gonna remember the name and get the info about him. He is in jail today for that craziness.

Like I said before and I will say it again....he is abusing you. You need to get out of that relationship now!

 

[Theo]

Yeah, sounds abusive to me. Several red flags. Generally abusive relationship have an underlying theme of men having a desire for power and control. Many times abusive men will do things to make the woman uncertain of herself and her ability to make decisions. Also, they will blame the woman for the problems in the relationship and for his own mistakes and behavior.

He may have been involved in an abusive relationship prior and is seeking to ease you into the process gradually. Very few women walk into an abusive relationship full aware of what's going on.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

how would you describe your arguments? are they normal or is there yelling and screaming? has he ever tried using his size to intimidate you, like backed u into a corner or acted like he was going to strike you? any namecalling goin on?

 

[Maracujá]

No. I think that's what throwing me off. It's more like "I luv being with you...you need to be here on time and stop bs'ing", "why do you always have to be so difficult", but the two times it happen it wasn't anything sexual that was said.

I won't say he's being abusive although his behaviour is questionable and points to it, he does come across as possessive and that might lead to even more abusive behaviour in the future.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

If he's accusing you of sleeping with men already, and you know you aren't. How how u sure that he's nto feeling guilty and doing the very thing that he is going off on you about. Sounds like an Usher song to me. And yes, you are in an abusive relationship.

 

[DDTexlaxed]

Please be careful. I don't want to see you end up as a statistic. The light slap and choke hold during sex just doesn't sound right to me. I'm scared for you. It is as if he is showing you how much stronger he is than you. It just shouts nut job to me.

 

[madamdot]

Yes he is abusive. I agree with the ladies who say if you have to ask, then it points to the affirmative.

No offense to the ladies who are saying this is kinky sex, but if he would like to engage in this kind of act just for fun, you talk to your partner about it, agree on how far to go and agree on a safeword.

You dont just choke someone during sex you have to discuss if someone is into that kind of thing before it happens. You dont just do it.

OP, Please be careful, but you should never be scared of your guy.

 

[Duchesse]

^^^^Thanks. There is kinky sex, and then there is physically dominant and abrasive behavior while you are already in a submissive/vulnerable state. You say you watch a lot of Lifetime movies, well what always happens to the women in these movies? Please take heed and separate yourself from this man. He is big and insecure, a deadly combo.

 

[Starronda]

Thanks everyone for all of this helpful information. Even if this is not an abusive relationship, it's not a healthy one. To answer a few questions some of you had:

1. Yes. I do like that kind of sex (every once in awhile), but my SO wouldn't know that because we've never talked about it.

2. Yes he does scream/yell when he's upset. I have to admit that I do scream/yell back at him which probably makes the matter worse because we're having a screaming match at that point.

3. When I do try to leave him, he'll literally text/call me ALL night, and I always give in answer the text or phone call and we get back together.

4. Our arguments are mostly when I'm too busy to see him. Usually I work alot of hours, I have a 15 year old son at home, or I'm just plain tired and want to be alone. So he'll say that I don't love him, I'm a liar, stupid and I don't want to be with him.

I'll be going over Tuesday to talk to him, and I'll go from there with what to do.

I've never been in a situation like this. I don't know what type of hold he has on me. I'm usually the one that leaves a relationship quick when things dont feel right or if I just don't want to be bothered anymore and keep it moving. I don't know why I can't just walk away from him. I have alot of information and alot to think about. Thats for all of the wonderful information and opinions. Thanks for not judging but letting me know how this relationship looks from the outside looking in.