Always A Battle With Another Female - Men and Dating(LONG)

[SvelteVelvet]

Looking over my recent dating life (including reciprocated infatuations/attractions/crushes) it seems to be a pattern that he's in a relationship, married, married and separated or has an obsessive ex. In any case the woman is crazy and aggressively goes after me.

Now let me stress that I don't go after these men. They pursue me and in any case of marriage or in-tact relationship I don't explore it or even flirt with it. Even though he does, I do a good job of keeping the barrier that needs to be in place.

It's getting quite old. I'm starting to feel angst about it and feeling like I must be dealing with the reality of what the world and this board highlights with eligible black bachelorettes having it so hard finding man due to the lopsided ratio of eligible/available black men and women. I've sorta felt like an observer of this plight up until now. I've expressed feelings about the stresses of dating before but just wanted to talk about this annoying little side-effect.

What gives? How come these women aren't going after their man about showing interest to another woman while they're in a relationship? It's like common sense that the one that made a commitment to you is the one you should be talking to. And even if they DO talk to their man they will also feel the need to get in contact with the woman. I can almost kinda understand making your presence known to the woman, perhaps finding out for yourself timelines or whatever for their own personal sanity-maybe but then again this is stupid too. I would not even WANT a man that can have such level of interest in another woman. Details are irrelevant. If the trust is broken it's broken. Why attack a woman you don't even know when it was your man who showed interest in her?

What I can't STAND about these women(girls), is the advantage they CREATE and allow to continue for men to be dogs and not face any real repercussions for their actions. Instead of breaking up with him they will go through his phone and literally call every female and verbally attack and threaten them if they don't stop calling their man. Not realizing that this will be your life if you choose it. If a man sees that your a dumbass that is going to attack the woman and keep giving him sex and whatever else to keep him, that will be your life with him and it will never change. In the end that's gotta tear a woman down, physically, mentally, emotionally and it shows. I see it all the time.

Women really want a man they have to try to force to be with them and no one else? It's coming to the point that I'm feeling if this is an "it is what it is" situation and perhaps I need to change MY ways and accept the fact that love is a war and their will always be a battle. Perhaps I need to make the decision to win one.

Thoughts?

 

[SweetNic_JA]

I hate dating. It is so complicated - whether with black men or other races. I'm so glad that I'm beyond that (hopefully for good). For the women that are going through it now, I really feel for them, because the opportunity to cheat or fool around has increased 8 fold. With the increasing popularity of social networking, dating sites, etc it's almost impossible to really keep a tight lid on any relationship - much less a fledgling one that you're hoping to nurture into something more significant.

In the case of cheating men and the women who take them back, I am starting to think that perhaps it is more common to keep a cheating man than to let him go - especially if you have been working hard on the relationship and/or have children. In the past, I've let go of anyone I've suspected of cheating, as I do feel men should always be held accountable for their actions - but sometimes the side girl deserves a hit too.

 

[*CherryPie*]

You said something like, why do the women want a man that don't want them. Well, he DOES want them.....but he wants you too. The problem is, why did either of you want HIM? Or THEM?

The reason they call you is because surely the guys tell those women lies of what happened, and they want to talk to you because they want the truth.

One question. Why do you keep dating this type of guy? That's what you need to figure out so you can stop.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

You said something like, why do the women want a man that don't want them. Well, he DOES want them.....but he wants you too. The problem is, why did either of you want HIM? Or THEM?

The reason they call you is because surely the guys tell those women lies of what happened, and they want to talk to you because they want the truth.

One question. Why do you keep dating this type of guy? That's what you need to figure out so you can stop.

I don't feel it's that simplistic with these men. They aren't all one type. These are all types of men. You think I search these men out? Obviously I'd LOVE for this situation to stop. Did you not read where I said this is getting old. I meet them, there is an attraction, they let it known to me and then some form of another woman, wife/girlfriend/baby momma/ex manifests after the fact and displays what I described. Extreme possession over the man even when he isn't being discreet about dating other women and even not wanting to be with her anymore. I'm talking women who straight up heard it from the horses mouth, IN my presence still going after me like it's all my fault she lost her man.

I believe a lot of the type of boyfriend/husband a man is, is dependent on the type of woman he is with. Some men are beyond being trained but I see it all the time. Women so shocked at how their ex man is treating his current woman. Oh when he was with me he didn't do that and we didn't do this. So many who after they break up the next girl he's with he proposes. Conversating with spending time with more men recently has taught me to take in the entire picture when it comes to men and their behavior.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

I hate dating. It is so complicated - whether with black men or other races. I'm so glad that I'm beyond that (hopefully for good). For the women that are going through it now, I really feel for them, because the opportunity to cheat or fool around has increased 8 fold. With the increasing popularity of social networking, dating sites, etc it's almost impossible to really keep a tight lid on any relationship - much less a fledgling one that you're hoping to nurture into something more significant.

In the case of cheating men and the women who take them back, I am starting to think that perhaps it is more common to keep a cheating man than to let him go - especially if you have been working hard on the relationship and/or have children. In the past, I've let go of anyone I've suspected of cheating, as I do feel men should always be held accountable for their actions - but sometimes the side girl deserves a hit too.

For me, the only time a side girl would get a hit from me too is if she was a friend of mine or close to me and KNEW when she was with my man she was f'in me over at the same time. But a complete stranger who knew nothing about me? My beef is with the man only, and truly there would be no beef because if he wants somebody else that much then she can have him. I would have no fight in me for someone who can't be faithful to me. I'd be turn off. Literally, the wetness would stop. I need someone who only has eyes for me. Dealing with horndogs never put me in doubt that I'll find that. Just let's me know it's time to move on.

And that's another thing, having this attitude that I have always makes men feel baffled by it. Especially when they have become used to dealing with jealous possessive females. They always feel like because I can so easily move on and shut them out of my life I must not have cared for them. I just care about myself more.

It's like a double edged sword. Men are attracted to confidence when they see it but they don't always know how to deal with it or appreciate it. It seems the weakness in some women can be a stronghold for some men.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I don't feel it's that simplistic with these men. They aren't all one type. These are all types of men. You think I search these men out? Obviously I'd LOVE for this situation to stop. Did you not read where I said this is getting old. I meet them, there is an attraction, they let it known to me and then some form of another woman, wife/girlfriend/baby momma/ex manifests after the fact and displays what I described. Extreme possession over the man even when he isn't being discreet about dating other women and even not wanting to be with her anymore. I'm talking women who straight up heard it from the horses mouth, IN my presence still going after me like it's all my fault she lost her man.

.

It actually IS that simple, unless you LIKE the drama which is what it sounds like. You don't HAVE to put up with this. And keep in mind that these women aren't acting this way each time just because they are generically "crazy." These men CREATE this kind of atmosphere. If a man really cares about you, he would nip that stuff in the bud or not let it get to that point in the first place.

 

[firecracker]

Well unfortunately the dating game is like bobbing for apples. You might get a few rotten ones that have to be thrown out asap! I know you are ranting more so than looking for answers but unfortunately alot of women put up with bs from cheating lying men that includes the chick and the side chick. Also there are loads of couples that cheat on each other throughout their relationship. Its kinda sickening the way folks are playing these emotional games with each other today. Keep your head up!

 

[SvelteVelvet]

It actually IS that simple, unless you LIKE the drama which is what it sounds like. You don't HAVE to put up with this. And keep in mind that these women aren't acting this way each time just because they are generically "crazy." These men CREATE this kind of atmosphere. If a man really cares about you, he would nip that stuff in the bud or not let it get to that point in the first place.

I don't know how you can make these statements without knowing the details of any of the situations I'm referring to. Unless you are projecting some personal feelings from your own experiences which it sounds like...

As firecracker understood, I didn't come here looking for advice. This thread in a nutshell is basically stating what I have personally been dealing with in my dating life and the effects it's beginning to have on me and I left the subject open for discussion for different ladies to share their perspective.

As far as it sounding like I LIKE the drama, you either have selective reading or your thought process is just plain weird. I'd obviously love nothing more than to meet an available man I connect with who doesn't later turn out to have a situation with another woman he's seemingly planning his escape from who finds about me and begins uttering and doing things only an insane person would say and do.

Like I said, you don't know the details and I don't care to share them with you. I'm expressing MY feelings about MY experiences and leaving an open discussion about the subject in general IF you can relate.

 

[southerncitygirl]

I don't know how you can make these statements without knowing the details of any of the situations I'm referring to. Unless you are projecting some personal feelings from your own experiences which it sounds like...

As firecracker understood, I didn't come here looking for advice. This thread in a nutshell is basically stating what I have personally been dealing with in my dating life and the effects it's beginning to have on me and I left the subject open for discussion for different ladies to share their perspective.

As far as it sounding like I LIKE the drama, you either have selective reading or your thought process is just plain weird. I'd obviously love nothing more than to meet an available man I connect with who doesn't later turn out to have a situation with another woman he's seemingly planning his escape from who finds about me and begins uttering and doing things only an insane person would say and do.

Like I said, you don't know the details and I don't care to share them with you. I'm expressing MY feelings about MY experiences and leaving an open discussion about the subject in general IF you can relate.

i'm so sorry for what you've been going though girlie....take time to step back and work yourself and think about what you truly want in a man. i know you don't want to hear this but i have to say it and i speak from personal expierience:

even though you don't seek these types of men out, metaphysically something is going on that is making them be drawn to you.


for example men who abuse or beat women are drawn to a certain type that may not feel good about themselves or have low self esteem. a woman who maybe in a fragile state may draw men to her that pretend to help and actually want to take advantage of her....please know that i'm not saying you are any of these things....but the universe is trying to show you something and convey some sort of message. i would take a break from dating and work on self mentally, physically and spiritually...going to church every sunday, reading the bible/going to bible study, don't count in this personal work....as true personal worth means taking a long hard look in the mirror and owning up to the less likeable parts of ourselves and working on them sometimes to the point of tears. i don't think you like drama but brought these points up because i had been having some similar issues with men. louise hay's audiobooks would be great for you here's the one's i regularly listen to:

anger releasing
the power is within you
the power of your spoken word
101 power thoughts

please know that i don't mean to offend in any way and these are somethings for consideration....i hope the audiobooks help, its nice to listen to them in the morning on the way to work and/or at bedtime.

 

[*CherryPie*]

I understand what you're saying, but when you ONLY attract these horrible types of men, there's usually something about US that attracts them.

You can be very tired of it/them, but until you find out WHY you attract them, you'll keep attracting them.

I don't feel it's that simplistic with these men. They aren't all one type. These are all types of men. You think I search these men out? Obviously I'd LOVE for this situation to stop. Did you not read where I said this is getting old. I meet them, there is an attraction, they let it known to me and then some form of another woman, wife/girlfriend/baby momma/ex manifests after the fact and displays what I described. Extreme possession over the man even when he isn't being discreet about dating other women and even not wanting to be with her anymore. I'm talking women who straight up heard it from the horses mouth, IN my presence still going after me like it's all my fault she lost her man.

I believe a lot of the type of boyfriend/husband a man is, is dependent on the type of woman he is with. Some men are beyond being trained but I see it all the time. Women so shocked at how their ex man is treating his current woman. Oh when he was with me he didn't do that and we didn't do this. So many who after they break up the next girl he's with he proposes. Conversating with spending time with more men recently has taught me to take in the entire picture when it comes to men and their behavior.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I'm going to have to agree with the other ladies because I rarely have this problem..I'm 26 and NEVER had a woman call my phone or stalk me and I have dated some of the most eligible black men in my area...if I found out that he was taken, I'd shut that down IMMEDIATELY. One thing I don't play is the side chick/other chick nonsense and I def don't entertain seedy a** men (and I can spot them a mile away). When you meet these men do you ask them about their status prior to giving out your number?

Honestly not to be mean but as I read your post I got the gist that you WOULD entertain (give out your number, long conversations, etc) a man that's taken.

 

[blasianbeauty]

Looking over my recent dating life (including reciprocated infatuations/attractions/crushes) it seems to be a pattern that he's in a relationship, married, married and separated or has an obsessive ex. In any case the woman is crazy and aggressively goes after me.

Now let me stress that I don't go after these men. They pursue me and in any case of marriage or in-tact relationship I don't explore it or even flirt with it. Even though he does, I do a good job of keeping the barrier that needs to be in place.

It's getting quite old. I'm starting to feel angst about it and feeling like I must be dealing with the reality of what the world and this board highlights with eligible black bachelorettes having it so hard finding man due to the lopsided ratio of eligible/available black men and women. I've sorta felt like an observer of this plight up until now. I've expressed feelings about the stresses of dating before but just wanted to talk about this annoying little side-effect.

What gives? How come these women aren't going after their man about showing interest to another woman while they're in a relationship? It's like common sense that the one that made a commitment to you is the one you should be talking to. And even if they DO talk to their man they will also feel the need to get in contact with the woman. I can almost kinda understand making your presence known to the woman, perhaps finding out for yourself timelines or whatever for their own personal sanity-maybe but then again this is stupid too. I would not even WANT a man that can have such level of interest in another woman. Details are irrelevant. If the trust is broken it's broken. Why attack a woman you don't even know when it was your man who showed interest in her?

What I can't STAND about these women(girls), is the advantage they CREATE and allow to continue for men to be dogs and not face any real repercussions for their actions. Instead of breaking up with him they will go through his phone and literally call every female and verbally attack and threaten them if they don't stop calling their man. Not realizing that this will be your life if you choose it. If a man sees that your a dumbass that is going to attack the woman and keep giving him sex and whatever else to keep him, that will be your life with him and it will never change. In the end that's gotta tear a woman down, physically, mentally, emotionally and it shows. I see it all the time.

Women really want a man they have to try to force to be with them and no one else? It's coming to the point that I'm feeling if this is an "it is what it is" situation and perhaps I need to change MY ways and accept the fact that love is a war and their will always be a battle. Perhaps I need to make the decision to win one.

Thoughts?

Dating is hard, and I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I don't think you're purposely trying to attract these types of men as others are saying. That's crazy. And you're right, a lot of men are dogs because women allow the crap to go on and blame the other woman. I do think you're on to something as far as there being some sort of battle. A male friend told me that men will always have some sort of friend/gf/wife/etc. in the picture and once he's convinced that the new woman is who he wants then the current gets the boot. He explained dating/meeting new women like finding another job...you don't quit your current one until you find another.

 

[blasianbeauty]

I'm going to have to agree with the other ladies because I rarely have this problem..I'm 26 and NEVER had a woman call my phone or stalk me and I have dated some of the most eligible black men in my area...if I found out that he was taken, I'd shut that down IMMEDIATELY. One thing I don't play is the side chick/other chick nonsense and I def don't entertain seedy a** men (and I can spot them a mile away). When you meet these men do you ask them about their status prior to giving out your number?

Honestly not to be mean but as I read your post I got the gist that you WOULD entertain (give out your number, long conversations, etc) a man that's taken.

I went back and re-read the original post and in the second sentence she said she doesn't entertain them if they're married or in a relationship. I think some of you all skipped over some parts and just focus on others and ran with it. Not tryna start trouble or take sides but I'm being as unbiased as possible and that's my observation.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I went back and re-read the original post and in the second sentence she said she doesn't entertain them if they're married or in a relationship. I think some of you all skipped over some parts and just focus on others and ran with it. Not tryna start trouble or take sides but I'm being as unbiased as possible and that's my observation.

I know that's what she said but she also said that all the crazy women find her number, call and stalk her but how are they finding her number in the first place? And how is it that every woman is crazy anyway? Idk, that context alone just left me a bit..

The vibe I get is moreso "Don't be mad that your man wants me, it's not my fault he wants me" as she proceeds to answer his calls and txts.