Almost fed up!

diamond42377

diamond42377

New Member
Ok ladies, I need some advice on how to handle this situation.
I have been with my husband for 7 year now and I am starting to get really tired of the way things are going. Here is the lowdown:

I am working from home so I can take care of the kids (6 and 2). I tried working outside the home a long time ago when my daughter was small but my husband was not able to take care of her properly (during that time he was on diabetic meds and we found out his kidney transplant was failing). After a mishap, I ended up having to come home from work in the middle of the day and made the hard decision to keep working from home. Fortunately my WAH job understood and took me back.

Moving forward, I am now in school online trying to get a degree (better late than never), working, taking care of the kids and house. I am also taking care of him since he is disabled. I love him but am beginning to feel like I have a teenager in the house since he acts like a big kid sometimes. He hardly ever helps around the house (unless he wants something) and I am starting to feel almost like a single mother. I am getting tired of having to do everything while many times he is on the computer playing games or watching movies. :wallbash:

When I do ask him to do something, many times he uses his illness as an excuse (he has kidney failure and is on dialysis). I let it go since I know dialysis is hard but then instead of going to lay down he gets right on the computer. It seems he magically gets the energy to do things when he wants to.:look: And when I get upset in my own mind and think he is faking he actually gets sick so I can't tell which is which. He told me the pc games help keep his mind off feeling sick.

Soooo..... I am getting sick and tired of this! I need some help and feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown. My parents constantly tell me I am doing too much and I am considering cutting back but I don't know how. I am in school part time online and I don't want to give that up. I plan to have a nice paying job when I am done. I have to take care of my kids and I also have to work. I feel like I'm d*mned if I do, and d*mned if I don't. Does anyone have any suggestions?
 
I think you just need some me time to recuperate. Can you get away for day or two and someone else look after the family? Maybe if you can get away you can figure things out. I really feel sorry for you, you are in a very stressful and unsatisifying position. I hope things turn around for you.
 
hopeful said:
I think you just need some me time to recuperate. Can you get away for day or two and someone else look after the family? Maybe if you can get away you can figure things out. I really feel sorry for you, you are in a very stressful and unsatisifying position. I hope things turn around for you.
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I think you're right. I have been contemplating getting some time alone. It feels like I am always doing for someone else and never myself. I might schedule a hair appt somewhere and go shopping one day, just gotta figure out when. I think everyone is noticing it, last time my father-in-law was here, he gave me some money to go shopping and made me promise not to spend it on anyone but myself.

Off topic, I love how shiny and healthy your hair looks in your siggy.
 
I agree you need a break because if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of everyone else.
 
You should also sit him down and tell him how you feel. Then go and have some me time. You'll feel a lot better when you let him know how you feel. Don't hold back on your feeling too much because then you'll get fed up and blow up at him.

Hope everything works out.
 
Yes, Diamond...you need a break. Secure a safe environment for your children then take off for a few days or even one day just to think about yourself and clear your mind. You have a heavy load with a husband needing lots of attention and care and two small children. God bless you.
 
Ericka said:
You should also sit him down and tell him how you feel. Then go and have some me time. You'll feel a lot better when you let him know how you feel. Don't hold back on your feeling too much because then you'll get fed up and blow up at him.

Hope everything works out.
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Thanks. I want to sit down and let him know how I feel but he is going through a lot of stuff healthwise. He used to get depressed at times (because he can't work like he wants to or take care of me financially) so I got him started on a career route. When I bring up how overwhelmed I feel, he gets all sad about how he can't work again. I will try to figure out something, maybe even a chore chart so he can help out more around the house. I keep trying to tiptoe around his feelings but I am at the end of my rope.
 
I say take a break and also lt him know how you feel. I am a fan of letter writing. That way you can think about and word what you want to say perfectly. And get it off your chest without interruption. Take a day to go out and leave him your letter.

Sick or no sick, he can help the kids with homework or sweep the kitchen while you try and do your homework. I hope things work out for you.
 
msdr said:
I say take a break and also lt him know how you feel. I am a fan of letter writing. That way you can think about and word what you want to say perfectly. And get it off your chest without interruption. Take a day to go out and leave him your letter.

Sick or no sick, he can help the kids with homework or sweep the kitchen while you try and do your homework. I hope things work out for you.
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Thanks for bringing this up. I used to write him letters all the time when something was bothering me. I even used to send emails to let him know. This is a good idea, I think I will send it to him before I decide to go out though. Maybe we can work something out.

I have a really hard time asking for help. I always feel like I should be doing it myself. I see single mothers holding it down with the job and the kids. I figure that I should be doing everything myself and I have to work on that.
 
no matter how you tell him, via letter, via e-mail, via personal sit down talk, letter in a bottle, etc...he will still use the same excuse. his illness.

however, i would still let him know. if nothing changes, i would scare him and start bringing nursing home brochures in the house for people with his condition, and sit down again, and tell him this is a place where he needs to be since he talks about his condition is hindering him from doing such things. i would be nice about it too. sit down and show him the brochures...."look honey, they even have a van that can pick you up and take you to all your doctors appointment, a store and pharmacy in the lobby, etc." When he see you trying to get rid of him, I betchu then he'll straighten right on up.....especially if you tell him you've toured the places and spoke to the people and they were very nice and will help you with the transition and he can move in as soon as possible...how the children can come by and visit with him when he's having a good day, etc. He'll wake up....he may get out and start cuttin the grass n what not....:lachen:
 
and keep them ALL around the house....everytime he see one, he'll get up off that couch and start doing some work around the house...

i can hear him tellin his boys now.."man, she tried to put me in a nursin home!"
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
no matter how you tell him, via letter, via e-mail, via personal sit down talk, letter in a bottle, etc...he will still use the same excuse. his illness.

however, i would still let him know. if nothing changes, i would scare him and start bringing nursing home brochures in the house for people with his condition, and sit down again, and tell him this is a place where he needs to be since he talks about his condition is hindering him from doing such things. i would be nice about it too. sit down and show him the brochures...."look honey, they even have a van that can pick you up and take you to all your doctors appointment, a store and pharmacy in the lobby, etc." When he see you trying to get rid of him, I betchu then he'll straighten right on up.....especially if you tell him you've toured the places and spoke to the people and they were very nice and will help you with the transition and he can move in as soon as possible...how the children can come by and visit with him when he's having a good day, etc. He'll wake up....he may get out and start cuttin the grass n what not....:lachen:
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I agree. I used to work in nursing homes and no matter how nice they look or how many activities they have, someone is always itching to get out. Does he really want to be cooped up in a building with people twice his age? I think not. He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and stop using his illness as an excuse. Start cutting back asap. What if you're out and can't do anything? I don't think your family wants it to get that far.
 
BrooklynSouth said:
Yes, Diamond...you need a break. Secure a safe environment for your children then take off for a few days or even one day just to think about yourself and clear your mind. You have a heavy load with a husband needing lots of attention and care and two small children. God bless you.
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I just wanted to emphasize this (in red). When I was a little girl my mom was trying to make a major decision and left me and my little brother with someone who turned out to not be a good caretaker. It was awful for us. Anyway, not trying to scare you, just emphasize the point. I hope you have someone who loves you and your children and is responsible. I wish you all the best. And you know sometimes all you need is a day to yourself. You know, get up in the morning and go for a little day trip, get back home by evening. When you go away do not let dh know that you are trying to make a decision about your relationship, just tell him you need a little break.
 
Maybe he needs to join a counseling group. I know that have a chronic illness is really difficult and he may need an outlet where he can express his feelings, hear from others, and see how other people are living their lives with the same limitations. You also may find that you need a support group as well because of what you're going through. Just to see that what you're feeling is normal and to find ways to cope healthily, including taking time for yourself.

Even though he is sick there has to be something he can do. Even if it's watching movies with the kids so that you can have time to rest or do homework or maybe he can fold the laundry since it's not too physically stressful. Also, if he's on the computer all the time, is there a business that he can do that's computer based? I know there are a lot of things in the career/financial forum about online side hustles (cha cha, surveys, etc.). That way he can contribute something, no matter how small it is, and that may help boost his morale.

Being on dialysis doesn't mean he's completely incapable of helping out, even if you all have to find creative ways for him to do so. And, he can definitely be there for you emotionally, you just have to let him know.
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
no matter how you tell him, via letter, via e-mail, via personal sit down talk, letter in a bottle, etc...he will still use the same excuse. his illness.

however, i would still let him know. if nothing changes, i would scare him and start bringing nursing home brochures in the house for people with his condition, and sit down again, and tell him this is a place where he needs to be since he talks about his condition is hindering him from doing such things. i would be nice about it too. sit down and show him the brochures...."look honey, they even have a van that can pick you up and take you to all your doctors appointment, a store and pharmacy in the lobby, etc." When he see you trying to get rid of him, I betchu then he'll straighten right on up.....especially if you tell him you've toured the places and spoke to the people and they were very nice and will help you with the transition and he can move in as soon as possible...how the children can come by and visit with him when he's having a good day, etc. He'll wake up....he may get out and start cuttin the grass n what not....:lachen:
Click to expand...

:lachen:This had me cracking up. It's not actually a bad idea though. I think I am going to start getting the brochures. I wonder if they have any that say for younger people. :lachen:
 
hopeful said:
I just wanted to emphasize this (in red). When I was a little girl my mom was trying to make a major decision and left me and my little brother with someone who turned out to not be a good caretaker. It was awful for us. Anyway, not trying to scare you, just emphasize the point. I hope you have someone who loves you and your children and is responsible. I wish you all the best. And you know sometimes all you need is a day to yourself. You know, get up in the morning and go for a little day trip, get back home by evening. When you go away do not let dh know that you are trying to make a decision about your relationship, just tell him you need a little break.
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No, after that incident, I only leave them with him (only if he is feeling well) or my parents. My children are my main priority so I aint gonna let nothing happen to them. That's why I struggled to find work at home so I wouldn't have to put them in daycare. I heard some bad things about the daycares in my area.

Let me clarify, the "incident" I keep referring to was about 6 years ago. My daughter was almost 1 and I decided to go back to work. My husband still had his transplant but had lost his job. I was able to find a job that paid well so I went for it thinking it would be okay for him to watch her, I even quit my work at home job. I called from work during my lunch hour and hear my baby screaming in the background. I asked him what was wrong and he sounded "a little off". He said he was combing her hair and that didn't sound right to me. Of course I rushed home and when I got there my baby was in the kitchen. playing under the cabinet with a long, sharp screwdriver in her hand. :nono: My husband was also acting strange and I later found out he hadn't eaten anything and his blood sugar level was way too low. His eyes were dialated and he looked like he was about to pass out. After he got something to eat, he got back to normal and felt really bad about the situation. After that, I felt guilty for leaving my baby and decided then and there not to let that happen again.
 
Well I know its hard for you

but from what I understand dialysis can make you feel horrible, I personally walked past an apt in the building I was living in , knew the family and heard the girl crying, I asked what was wrong, I already knew she was on dialysis, I went in and talked to her and prayed for her and just talked to her and caressed her back till she calmed down, it was just weeks later she passed from complications from dialysis

I know there is alot of pressure on you, get your strength and refreshing and renewing the ways you need to , for you, but he is a sick man, nothing will make him able to just get up and do this or that, I also understand why he plays games , I went through a long illness and all I did was chat in a chat room , it was worth the laughs and the only escape I had

PRAY your way through this, and keep on, keeping on

maybe you guys can come to a 'reasonable' agreement on what he can and cant help you with and help him to understand your feelings as well, Right now I can only mostly relate with his, although I know it was hard for everyone around me that loved me while I was sick, who is it harder on? he is physically and emotionally suffering, and I will pray for you both, its a tough walk on either road. lots of love
 
diamond42377 said:
:lachen:This had me cracking up. It's not actually a bad idea though. I think I am going to start getting the brochures. I wonder if they have any that say for younger people. :lachen:
Click to expand...


doesn't matter..a nursing home is just what it says...a home with nurses to care for the sick....doesn't matter how old you are.... use it to scare him with it, and i'll bet u he'll find a job....:lachen:

the ones they have for younger people are called jail...don't think he fits into that category lololol!
 
Irresistible said:
Well I know its hard for you

but from what I understand dialysis can make you feel horrible, I personally walked past an apt in the building I was living in , knew the family and heard the girl crying, I asked what was wrong, I already knew she was on dialysis, I went in and talked to her and prayed for her and just talked to her and caressed her back till she calmed down, it was just weeks later she passed from complications from dialysis

I know there is alot of pressure on you, get your strength and refreshing and renewing the ways you need to , for you, but he is a sick man, nothing will make him able to just get up and do this or that, I also understand why he plays games , I went through a long illness and all I did was chat in a chat room , it was worth the laughs and the only escape I had

PRAY your way through this, and keep on, keeping on

maybe you guys can come to a 'reasonable' agreement on what he can and cant help you with and help him to understand your feelings as well, Right now I can only mostly relate with his, although I know it was hard for everyone around me that loved me while I was sick, who is it harder on? he is physically and emotionally suffering, and I will pray for you both, its a tough walk on either road. lots of love
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Thanks for this response, it's always good to hear from someone who has been on the other end. I used to talk with a friend who had an illness who felt guilty that her husband was taking care of her all the time. I miss that because it gave us each a chance to see the other side and understand more.

I know it is hard on him, really hard, but sometimes he will say he feels horrible and then a friend would call and invite him to a ball game and he would suddenly get a burst of energy. It's still hard for me to tell when he is truely feeling horrible and when he is just using it as an excuse.

I think I really just need a break. I have been so busy taking care of everyone else, I think I forgot about myself. Spending so much time being a mother, wife, employee, and student, it feels like I lost myself in the mix.
 
diamond42377 said:
Thanks for this response, it's always good to hear from someone who has been on the other end. I used to talk with a friend who had an illness who felt guilty that her husband was taking care of her all the time. I miss that because it gave us each a chance to see the other side and understand more.

I know it is hard on him, really hard, but sometimes he will say he feels horrible and then a friend would call and invite him to a ball game and he would suddenly get a burst of energy. It's still hard for me to tell when he is truely feeling horrible and when he is just using it as an excuse.

I think I really just need a break. I have been so busy taking care of everyone else, I think I forgot about myself. Spending so much time being a mother, wife, employee, and student, it feels like I lost myself in the mix.
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I bet if you really were to ask where those bursts of energy come from, its his fight to live and get what he can out of life that he enjoys while he can, because other times he is too sick to do anything. I know its hard to understand, but without those things, he might do much much worse. just have a talk with him and ask him for a reasonable amount of things he can do within his illness that could help you, and let some of the rest go, if you can the best you can, of course you feel you have lost you, thats normal too, but you are being a beautiful wife and mother and person, and thats you, see you havent lost you totally, you are being and doing every day whats in your heart to do so, and thats love and take care of your family. of course if and when you need some 'me' time, take it. thats so critical. He is blessed to have you, he probably does HATE being a burden and that affects alot of how he behaves, you guys can talk or cry your way through this, whatever it takes.
 
Irresistible said:
I bet if you really were to ask where those bursts of energy come from, its his fight to live and get what he can out of life that he enjoys while he can, because other times he is too sick to do anything. I know its hard to understand, but without those things, he might do much much worse. just have a talk with him and ask him for a reasonable amount of things he can do within his illness that could help you, and let some of the rest go, if you can the best you can, of course you feel you have lost you, thats normal too, but you are being a beautiful wife and mother and person, and thats you, see you havent lost you totally, you are being and doing every day whats in your heart to do so, and thats love and take care of your family. of course if and when you need some 'me' time, take it. thats so critical. He is blessed to have you, he probably does HATE being a burden and that affects alot of how he behaves, you guys can talk or cry your way through this, whatever it takes.
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Thanks SO MUCH for this! I really needed those words. Now I have a better understanding of what he is going through and what I need to do.
 
You make me sooooo sick :lachen::lachen::lachen:


Good idea though :look:
ThatJerseyGirl said:
no matter how you tell him, via letter, via e-mail, via personal sit down talk, letter in a bottle, etc...he will still use the same excuse. his illness.

however, i would still let him know. if nothing changes, i would scare him and start bringing nursing home brochures in the house for people with his condition, and sit down again, and tell him this is a place where he needs to be since he talks about his condition is hindering him from doing such things. i would be nice about it too. sit down and show him the brochures...."look honey, they even have a van that can pick you up and take you to all your doctors appointment, a store and pharmacy in the lobby, etc." When he see you trying to get rid of him, I betchu then he'll straighten right on up.....especially if you tell him you've toured the places and spoke to the people and they were very nice and will help you with the transition and he can move in as soon as possible...how the children can come by and visit with him when he's having a good day, etc. He'll wake up....he may get out and start cuttin the grass n what not....:lachen:
Click to expand...
 
Keep us posted. I really hope you are able to get this worked out. You are carrying a very heavy load and just do what you need to do to get some help.
 
I made a move this evening. I talked to him about how I am so overwhelmed and he started feeling bad thinking it was him. I explained to him that it was everything that I have been doing and how I am feeling stretched to the limit. It felt good just to get it off my chest even though nothing has changed yet.

I did tell him he really needs to get with his doctor or not feeling well and they might be able to change some things (they have made him feel better in the past but he has to let them know).

I also decided to let some things go. I always had a vision of a perfect household like June Clever or something. I now realize that she didn't have to work or get an education, she just had to clean house and do her part with the kids. This year I am letting that vision go. I have too much to do so stuff is no longer going to be perfect. I am teaching my daughter to do some stuff herself (I used to lay out her clothes for bed, make her bed, clean her room, etc.). She is about to be 7 so she can do it herself now. I am also going to accept that the house will not be clean all the time and laundry will not always be folded.

I am going to take time out to relax and not feel guilty for it. I am also going to work as much as I can and make time for breaks and mini vacations. I was making more work for myself than necessary before.

Oh, and I am still getting those brochures :grin::lachen:

If I don't keep my word and come back complaining y'all can :catfight:
 
diamond42377 said:
I made a move this evening. I talked to him about how I am so overwhelmed and he started feeling bad thinking it was him. I explained to him that it was everything that I have been doing and how I am feeling stretched to the limit. It felt good just to get it off my chest even though nothing has changed yet.

I did tell him he really needs to get with his doctor or not feeling well and they might be able to change some things (they have made him feel better in the past but he has to let them know).

I also decided to let some things go. I always had a vision of a perfect household like June Clever or something. I now realize that she didn't have to work or get an education, she just had to clean house and do her part with the kids. This year I am letting that vision go. I have too much to do so stuff is no longer going to be perfect. I am teaching my daughter to do some stuff herself (I used to lay out her clothes for bed, make her bed, clean her room, etc.). She is about to be 7 so she can do it herself now. I am also going to accept that the house will not be clean all the time and laundry will not always be folded.

I am going to take time out to relax and not feel guilty for it. I am also going to work as much as I can and make time for breaks and mini vacations. I was making more work for myself than necessary before.

Oh, and I am still getting those brochures :grin::lachen:

If I don't keep my word and come back complaining y'all can :catfight:
Click to expand...

I made a move this evening. I talked to him about how I am so overwhelmed and he started feeling bad thinking it was him. I explained to him that it was everything that I have been doing and how I am feeling stretched to the limit. It felt good just to get it off my chest even though nothing has changed yet

@the bolded - Good move. It is him, but I hope he didn't make you feel guilty because of his illness. I know that is your husband and you love him dearly, but he has to pitch in too. He can fold clothes and straighten up a little..folding clothes isn't hard..it's a sit down and watch tv job:perplexed


Oh, and I am still getting those brochures

Assisted living/nursing homes:lachen:brochures...when he see those old people walking around with those walkers...u know da kind..the ones wif da green tennis balls on the bottom and a shoppin bag strapped across da front holding their meds, lottery tickets, bet slips, etc, he'll get the picture. Well, he's been warned.... Hell, I'll even take it a bit further and say hey shuga...c'mon n n lets go for a ride..pull up to one of those joints and take him on a tour and let him see the same people with his condition in the assisted living quarters....scare him (tough love)...he'll pump his breaks and think twice....
 
Is there anything stopping him from getting a side hustle? Since he gets on the computer can he find a way to make some money online? If so, a few extra dollars in the household could help pay to hire some help around the house ever so often.
 
redRiot said:
Is there anything stopping him from getting a side hustle? Since he gets on the computer can he find a way to make some money online? If so, a few extra dollars in the household could help pay to hire some help around the house ever so often.
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Yes, he is disabled and gets sick a lot. He gets a disability check, it's not much, but it helps. I showed him jobs online (some of the really good ones ONLY hire disable people) but he refuses to work from home. He is in a between state where he has a serious illness yet refuses to accept his limitations UNLESS it benefits him. What I mean is he will talk about getting a job outside the home but knows he can't. He goes to dialysis Mon, Wed and Fri and college Tue and Thurs. I got him into college with a special disability program and that helped the depression.

I am not really looking for him to work. All I am asking is that he help me out around the house and with the kids more so I can get more work and coursework done. I was telling him I have a final research paper due today and he started bragging about how his paper is due April 20th and he is already 2/3 done with it. That kind of stuff sets me off because he always has time to get his stuff done. I am really trying not to be a ***** but a change has to come.
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
no matter how you tell him, via letter, via e-mail, via personal sit down talk, letter in a bottle, etc...he will still use the same excuse. his illness.

however, i would still let him know. if nothing changes, i would scare him and start bringing nursing home brochures in the house for people with his condition, and sit down again, and tell him this is a place where he needs to be since he talks about his condition is hindering him from doing such things. i would be nice about it too. sit down and show him the brochures...."look honey, they even have a van that can pick you up and take you to all your doctors appointment, a store and pharmacy in the lobby, etc." When he see you trying to get rid of him, I betchu then he'll straighten right on up.....especially if you tell him you've toured the places and spoke to the people and they were very nice and will help you with the transition and he can move in as soon as possible...how the children can come by and visit with him when he's having a good day, etc. He'll wake up....he may get out and start cuttin the grass n what not....:lachen:
Click to expand...


Now you know you are wrong for that!:lachen: But I see what you are saying. Sometimes you have to show men in order for them to understand where you are coming from. And who knows it might just work.
 
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