Advice please....

[mona_cherie]

This is quite embarassing, but I'd like you all's opinions. Okay, here goes. I met this guy about a year ago. We really hit it off, the chemistry was awesome, but he was in a relationship where he had been dating a woman for two years. He claimed they were going through a break up. So I, being the naive little woman that I am believed him. Again, I really really liked him. Of course they never broke up. He cannot/will not pull away. The woman cooks, cleans, and basically let's him do whatever, and whatever he does, though she gets angry, she does not leave. They see each other once or twice a week. I think he has issues because he was married before and his ex cheated on him and left him. He's also in his forties, as is his "woman", and I'm in my twenties.
He has introduced me to all his friends, who love me, and he's introduced her to only a few of them. So, about three months after we met, and a night of probably too many cocktails, we were intimate. Afterwards we had an argument and didn't talk for a while. Within the past few months we became friends again, and just recently we saw each other again for the first time in about 6 months. Again we were intimate. So I talked to him a day or so after and he says to me, "You know, afterwards, I felt a little guilty."

I can't go into every minute detail, but that's about the gist of things. My question is, should I remain optimistic about this guy, or am I going right back into the same situation as before. This is probably a dumb post, but like I said I really really like him and I'm probably a little cloudy right now because of that.

 

[coconow2007]

This is quite embarassing, but I'd like you all's opinions. Okay, here goes. I met this guy about a year ago. We really hit it off, the chemistry was awesome, but he was in a relationship where he had been dating a woman for two years. He claimed they were going through a break up. So I, being the naive little woman that I am believed him. Again, I really really liked him. Of course they never broke up. He cannot/will not pull away. The woman cooks, cleans, and basically let's him do whatever, and whatever he does, though she gets angry, she does not leave. They see each other once or twice a week. I think he has issues because he was married before and his ex cheated on him and left him. He's also in his forties, as is his "woman", and I'm in my twenties.
He has introduced me to all his friends, who love me, and he's introduced her to only a few of them. So, about three months after we met, and a night of probably too many cocktails, we were intimate. Afterwards we had an argument and didn't talk for a while. Within the past few months we became friends again, and just recently we saw each other again for the first time in about 6 months. Again we were intimate. So I talked to him a day or so after and he says to me, "You know, afterwards, I felt a little guilty."

I can't go into every minute detail, but that's about the gist of things. My question is, should I remain optimistic about this guy, or am I going right back into the same situation as before. This is probably a dumb post, but like I said I really really like him and I'm probably a little cloudy right now because of that.

If he is the right one for you he will do the right things to be with you. Life is much to short to just settle - be with someone who values you, your time, and your feelings.

 

[Dee-Licious]

This is quite embarassing, but I'd like you all's opinions. Okay, here goes. I met this guy about a year ago. We really hit it off, the chemistry was awesome, but he was in a relationship where he had been dating a woman for two years. He claimed they were going through a break up. So I, being the naive little woman that I am believed him. Again, I really really liked him. Of course they never broke up. They never do! If he's involved he probaly will stay involved He cannot/will not pull away. he's probably not trying to! The woman cooks, cleans, and basically let's him do whatever, hell he has no reason to leave then and whatever he does, though she gets angry, she does not leave. They see each other once or twice a week. I'd bet money it was a hell of a lot more than that I think he has issues because he was married before and his ex cheated on him and left him. He's also in his forties, as is his "woman", and I'm in my twenties. Why you checking for ur daddy classmate?
He has introduced me to all his friends, who love me, and he's introduced her to only a few of them. Why do you believe this? She's been around longer than you. So, about three months after we met, and a night of probably too many cocktails, we were intimate. Afterwards we had an argument and didn't talk for a while. Within the past few months we became friends again, and just recently we saw each other again for the first time in about 6 months. Again we were intimate. So I talked to him a day or so after and he says to me, "You know, afterwards, I felt a little guilty." Not guilyt enough to not do it twice

I can't go into every minute detail, but that's about the gist of things. My question is, should I remain optimistic about this guy, or am I going right back into the same situation as before. This is probably a dumb post, but like I said I really really like him and I'm probably a little cloudy right now because of that.

Same situo as before. Cut ties soon as possible

 

[WomanlyCharm]

Mona, he's in a relationship with another woman. And he lied to you about it. Obviously he's not someone you can trust. And he feels "guilty" about sleeping with you while he's still having sex with her? My, how gallant of him.

He has issues all right...he wants to keep the woman who cooks and cleans for him, and have you on the side. The issue is he's a selfish jerk.

You don't need to give this man your time, energy or your heart. You deserve better than this, and deep down, you know it. Move on.

 

[*KP*]

By being intimate with him you are giving him the message that it is okay to stay with his girlfriend and have you too even if you say the opposite. Cut all ties, he's not respecting you and it won't change. You deserve MUCH better.

 

[TwistedRoots]

I've been in a similar situation and it just took me until I was TIRED to be over and done with it. He eventually came around but I wasn't even with it anymore. You might win some but he lost this one! In the end 50 people could tell you there opinions, but when it comes down to it you are going to do whatever it is that you choose...which from the looks of things...ride it until the wheel falls off. Just stay cautious and be true to yourself...no one knows you better than you ma! Remember the only thing that happens to us is what we allow, people teach you how to treat them.

 

[TCatt86]

I've been in a similar situation and it just took me until I was TIRED to be over and done with it. He eventually came around but I wasn't even with it anymore. You might win some but he lost this one! In the end 50 people could tell you there opinions, but when it comes down to it you are going to do whatever it is that you choose...which from the looks of things...ride it until the wheel falls off. Just stay cautious and be true to yourself...no one knows you better than you ma! Remember the only thing that happens to us is what we allow, people teach you how to treat them.

ITA. Do what you feel you need to do for yourself. You probably already have your mind made up and no matter what anyone says your going to do you. Just make sure you don't allow this man to break you.

 

[dlewis]

It's time to move on. I don't think you could ever have a good relationship with this child.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

Mona, he's in a relationship with another woman. And he lied to you about it. Obviously he's not someone you can trust. And he feels "guilty" about sleeping with you while he's still having sex with her? My, how gallant of him.

He has issues all right...he wants to keep the woman who cooks and cleans for him, and have you on the side. The issue is he's a selfish jerk.

You don't need to give this man your time, energy or your heart. You deserve better than this, and deep down, you know it. Move on.

Ditto. It's time to move on.

 

[Syrah]

This is quite embarassing, but I'd like you all's opinions. Okay, here goes. I met this guy about a year ago. We really hit it off, the chemistry was awesome, but he was in a relationship where he had been dating a woman for two years. He claimed they were going through a break up. So I, being the naive little woman that I am believed him. Again, I really really liked him. Of course they never broke up. He cannot/will not pull away. The woman cooks, cleans, and basically let's him do whatever, and whatever he does, though she gets angry, she does not leave. They see each other once or twice a week. I think he has issues because he was married before and his ex cheated on him and left him. He's also in his forties, as is his "woman", and I'm in my twenties.
He has introduced me to all his friends, who love me, and he's introduced her to only a few of them. So, about three months after we met, and a night of probably too many cocktails, we were intimate. Afterwards we had an argument and didn't talk for a while. Within the past few months we became friends again, and just recently we saw each other again for the first time in about 6 months. Again we were intimate. So I talked to him a day or so after and he says to me, "You know, afterwards, I felt a little guilty."

I can't go into every minute detail, but that's about the gist of things. My question is, should I remain optimistic about this guy, or am I going right back into the same situation as before. This is probably a dumb post, but like I said I really really like him and I'm probably a little cloudy right now because of that.

Whether you like it or not, you are the "other woman". He may be great and whatever - but keep in mind - he's doing it to her. What's to stop him from dropping her and making you "numero uno" until something "better" comes along...

That's the problem with cheating - folks act like the "buck stops here". It doesn't. "Keeping your options open" isn't because the person you're with isn't handling their business - it's a behavior and a FRAME OF MIND - that is ok to be with one while wanting and GETTING TO KNOW another.

It's kinda like folks at the job who are always looking for a "better opportunity". Sometimes they're so consumed with that NEXT opportunity that they miss the opportunities sitting right in front of them.

 

[glam-]

Y'know, I know it's hard to deal with when you like someone, have feelings for him and see potential in him--- but, I think you should let it go. I can only see you being hurt if this proceeds. Sorry

 

[dlewis]

Whether you like it or not, you are the "other woman". He may be great and whatever - but keep in mind - he's doing it to her. What's to stop him from dropping her and making you "numero uno" until something "better" comes along...

That's the problem with cheating - folks act like the "buck stops here". It doesn't. "Keeping your options open" isn't because the person you're with isn't handling their business - it's a behavior and a FRAME OF MIND - that is ok to be with one while wanting and GETTING TO KNOW another.

It's kinda like folks at the job who are always looking for a "better opportunity". Sometimes they're so consumed with that NEXT opportunity that they miss the opportunities sitting right in front of them.

yep, ITA..

 

[mona_cherie]

Thanks for all your responses. I know I should let this go.

 

[Sugar Brown]

so many women have been in this same situation but everyone always feels like their situation is different and special.

mona, it's clear that you are the other woman and it's also clear that you wish you could be more to this man. you've met his friends, but his priority is to his longterm gf - even if it's only because she let's him walk all over her.

in the end, you probably already knew the answer to your own question before you posted. imho whatever relationship you have with this man is mostly a figment of your own imagination. please don't waste your time.

let him go. then at some point read that sticky "act like a goddess, get treated like one..." and make that your motto.

 

[Sasha Fierce]

Dear Mona,

I'm not sure how much this helps but just know that I am going through almost the same exact thing right now. I am glad that you posted this and I think we both should try our darndest to walk away even though it hurts

 

[Bunny77]

so many women have been in this same situation but everyone always feels like their situation is different and special.

mona, it's clear that you are the other woman and it's also clear that you wish you could be more to this man. you've met his friends, but his priority is to his longterm gf - even if it's only because she let's him walk all over her.

in the end, you probably already knew the answer to your own question before you posted. imho whatever relationship you have with this man is mostly a figment of your own imagination. please don't waste your time.

let him go. then at some point read that sticky "act like a goddess, get treated like one..." and make that your motto.

Everything you said in this post is so true... every woman wants to think her situation is different, when it's really the same ole' ****... or we fall in love with the "potential" of a relationship because we like a few qualities about these men (they're usually very charming and can be very sweet when they feel like it), but all we're doing is holding on to potential based on a few rare moments of enjoyment we've experienced, and ignoring reality.

 

[mona_cherie]

Dear Mona,

I'm not sure how much this helps but just know that I am going through almost the same exact thing right now. I am glad that you posted this and I think we both should try our darndest to walk away even though it hurts

Hey SmartAlek,

It's gonna be very very painful, but I don't think we should waste our time or energy anymore. It's easier said than done though . I'm just thinking about how much I'm hurting right now (self inflicted, no less), and I don't want to feel like this anymore.

 

[Sasha Fierce]

Hey SmartAlek,

It's gonna be very very painful, but I don't think we should waste our time or energy anymore. It's easier said than done though . I'm just thinking about how much I'm hurting right now (self inflicted, no less), and I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Yeah, I wish I knew the answer to make it not hurt, but I don't. I plan to do some serious work on myself for '08 in terms of taking better care of me. My theme for the new year is to "Make decisions out of power, not out of fear". Your story sent a jolt through me because the guy who has me going through it is in his 40s and I'm in my 20's just like in your story. I just thought that he would be waaaayyyyy better than this since he is older. It is very disturbing to have connected with him so much only to find out that he means me no good. After I gave in he was actin really brand new talking about how things happened "prematurely" and "it wont end up right". I can't even get a call from him now. So after he is ignoring my calls for like a week he finally answers the phone to say how busy with work he has been Then he goes on to say that he will call me back and plans to come see me so that we can "map things out". That was 3 days ago. Havent heard from him since.

You can PM me if you need to. Just know that you are not alone. We will both be OK

 

[erokawa]

Everyone else is right. He's a sleaze who is using you. Plus think about this - if you guys were ever together, what's to say he wouldn't cheat on you with some other girl and dog you the same way? Either way, it's not worth it.

 

[mona_cherie]

Yeah, I wish I knew the answer to make it not hurt, but I don't. I plan to do some serious work on myself for '08 in terms of taking better care of me. My theme for the new year is to "Make decisions out of power, not out of fear". Your story sent a jolt through me because the guy who has me going through it is in his 40s and I'm in my 20's just like in your story. I just thought that he would be waaaayyyyy better than this since he is older. It is very disturbing to have connected with him so much only to find out that he means me no good. After I gave in he was actin really brand new talking about how things happened "prematurely" and "it wont end up right". I can't even get a call from him now. So after he is ignoring my calls for like a week he finally answers the phone to say how busy with work he has been Then he goes on to say that he will call me back and plans to come see me so that we can "map things out". That was 3 days ago. Havent heard from him since.

You can PM me if you need to. Just know that you are not alone. We will both be OK

Oh my gosh, you are taking me back to about nine months ago (see how this has gone on too long, we were "friends" though). He had this big "thing" he was working on. So after our first time together, he really had to start preparing for the "thing." So of course he was sooo busy, and he probably would be out of commission until the thing was over (about a month). So I'd call him from time to time, the day the thing started I called him to wish him luck(I left a message). Then I just got this feeling, a week after the thing supposedly started, that the thing was over and he just wasn't calling. So I called him and congratulated him on the thing being over. And it was. It had ended 2 or three weeks before, and of course he hadn't called. He was shocked like "How did you know?"

 

[Bunny77]

Oh my gosh, you are taking me back to about nine months ago (see how this has gone on too long, we were "friends" though). He had this big "thing" he was working on. So after our first time together, he really had to start preparing for the "thing." So of course he was sooo busy, and he probably would be out of commission until the thing was over (about a month). So I'd call him from time to time, the day the thing started I called him to wish him luck(I left a message). Then I just got this feeling, a week after the thing supposedly started, that the thing was over and he just wasn't calling. So I called him and congratulated him on the thing being over. And it was. It had ended 2 or three weeks before, and of course he hadn't called. He was shocked like "How did you know?"

Mona, Alek...

You know, the more of this story you tell, the more this sounds familiar to me too (save the other woman situation).

There was always some project, some big international trip, some family issue or some reason they couldn't focus on me right now... so they'd disappear for weeks and I'd try to call/e-mail and be "supportive," but would get shut off.

Then they'd re-emerge and act like nothing happened and be all sweet.

These men were also a bit older than me too. Maybe it's a trend?

 

[Sasha Fierce]

Mona, Alek...

You know, the more of this story you tell, the more this sounds familiar to me too (save the other woman situation).

There was always some project, some big international trip, some family issue or some reason they couldn't focus on me right now... so they'd disappear for weeks and I'd try to call/e-mail and be "supportive," but would get shut off.

Then they'd re-emerge and act like nothing happened and be all sweet.

These men were also a bit older than me too. Maybe it's a trend?

It does sound like a trend. Maybe they just need to know that "they still got it like that".

Or maybe they are afraid of the clinginess that may follow and try to avoid it.

Quite possibly, they may have enjoyed the chase and now that they got it--they've won. Coming back weeks/months later may be like another "fun"challenge just to see if the woman will still let them come back.

Who knows? Ive racked my brain try trying to figure it out. One thing is for sure there is definitely a recurring theme we see.

 

[Gisselle]

I've been in a similar situation and it just took me until I was TIRED to be over and done with it. He eventually came around but I wasn't even with it anymore. You might win some but he lost this one! In the end 50 people could tell you there opinions, but when it comes down to it you are going to do whatever it is that you choose...which from the looks of things...ride it until the wheel falls off. Just stay cautious and be true to yourself...no one knows you better than you ma! Remember the only thing that happens to us is what we allow, people teach you how to treat them.

I agree. Also remember that if he is cheated on her, then it's a possibility he'll do it to you too.