Hypothetical. Advice Please.

[YankeeCandle]

I feel for your pain and in a normal situation, I might suggest sending him a brief note (handwritten better, especially if you said really cruel things) saying you apologize for your appalling behavior. Then I would sit back and see if he tried to make contact with me in response.

BUT...I don't think this situation merits that. Things are a little different here.

If I were in your situation, I would not want a man back who had sex with--shoot, or even started going out with--another woman within TWO weeks of breaking up with me. In fact, as someone said upthread, I'd be giving him and his "deep love" for me the serious side-eye.

That's just me, though; I could see how that might not bother others, so take it with as much salt as you need

 

[Vinyl]

I don't think you should fault him much for being with another woman so soon... some people feel that the best way to get over someone is to find a rebound. He may've been thinking he couldn't find another woman as great as you, so he started dating again to force himself to realize there are other awesome people out there he may be compatible with.

I think you should leave it alone though... even if you do get back together in the future you two should have a long break in the interim so you're not re-entering into a painful dynamic.

 

[Creatividual]

I've been in a similar situation before and like some of the other ladies were saying, he will not come back the same. When a woman really hurts a man, their egos seriously get crushed. If they give things a second chance they are a lil different and in many instances don't trust you as much b/c they don't want to get hurt again. AFter a while I couldn't do it anymore b/c while he still had a lot of feelings for me, he was no where as emotionally open as he was before and was very cynical. He defintely didn't treat me like he did before. I wasted a lot of time with him. You don't want that. You're doing the right thing by moving forward for someone who will be a better fit for you.

 

[Rastafarai]

Well ladies, that ended horribly. It was all talk after all. I reached out to him to tell him that the photos he requested had been developed and when he thought it convenient he can come get them. The last time we spoke he relayed something along the lines of seeing the memories we shared would help him make a firm decision. I waited about 4 days for him to get in touch with me until I decided to reach out to him by text. He then called me on the phone:

Conversation:

Me: Hey T.

Him: Hey

Me: So I sent you the text relaying that I had assembled the pictures you requested and they are ready for you whenever you can come get them.

Him: Well, what you sent me earlier is good enough.

Me: *Pause*....well, I thought you told me to develop them for you? You requested that of me...remember?

Him: Okay. Well, I'm at my girlfriend's right now so...

Me: Your girlfriends?....so you made your decision without telling me and have kept me waiting in vain ???

Him: *Silence*

Me: When did you make your decision and what was all the talk about wanting/needing/loving me...don't you have anything to say...

Him: Look, goodnight...

******************

It ended with me pleading for an explanation as to why he could not have been straightforward with me and I having no one else to turn to for answers. In the middle of my emotional pleas, he hanged up on me.

An hour later he sent a text saying: "Sorry. No talking now".

That was three days ago.

I may have been a ****** at times but I do not think I was deserving of this type of behavior by any man. He played with my emotions and strung me along. I guess this was his way of seeking revenge and/or saying to me: hey...I don't need you anymore.

The way he sounded on the phone was as if he did not want her to know I was on the other end of the line and so, he had to get me off the phone in a quickness. I was most upset over it all, moreso with his cowardly behavior of NOT being man enough to tell me straight up where he stood. It was definitely an upsetting night for me but I guess you live and learn.


Thanks for listening ladies. You all were so on point.

 

[chocolat79]

That sucked! But, the ladies were right. A lot of times it's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're in it. He really was just being an *** and stringing you along for revenge. He wanted you to feel the pain he was feeling...anyway, consider this your closure. You don't need an explanation, just K.I.M. The sooner the better. I wish you the best because I KNOW it's hard...but hang in there. It gets easier with time.

 

[Rastafarai]

I feel for your pain and in a normal situation, I might suggest sending him a brief note (handwritten better, especially if you said really cruel things) saying you apologize for your appalling behavior. Then I would sit back and see if he tried to make contact with me in response.

I did this. I really made an attempt to reach out to him and apologize for my hasty behavior. It was apparent that he was intentionally ignoring me until I contacted family members of his to ensure that he got the message I needed to talk to him. Only then did he meet with me.

I wrote him a long letter with a card. We even spoke for about five hours the nigt we met up and he spent the night at my place. Presumably, however, I later found out that he was already seeing his new woman while spending the night with me. He just couldn't tell me there and then and he still cannot tell it to me in my face.

Best believe he would try and avoid me like the black plague from hereonin, even thought he lives right up the street from me. UGH. How can someone say they care, love, need you (and he showed it...), but once you hurt them, it's like you're their enemy?

He made me feel like a complete turd the night he hanged up on me. It's like saying **** you...see if I care. I guess you can never really trust anyone.

It hurts. erplexed

 

[Rastafarai]

That sucked! But, the ladies were right. A lot of times it's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're in it. He really was just being an *** and stringing you along for revenge. He wanted you to feel the pain he was feeling...anyway, consider this your closure. You don't need an explanation, just K.I.M. The sooner the better. I wish you the best because I KNOW it's hard...but hang in there. It gets easier with time.

Thanks chocolat.

But that's so childish isn't it? To intentionally act in a manner to hurt someone else? I no longer consider him a loss given how horribly he dealt with the situation and gave up on us when the going got tough.

A complete coward.

 

[aribell]

Perhaps while you all were dating he viewed everything you did and said in the best light, as being in love will make one do. But after the final straw and over the past several days he's been thinking and remembering and probably feeling more and more slighted, not about your last fight, but about the relationship altogether--in which you admitted to having treated him really badly. If he was as devoted to you as the op says, then that makes it all worse. Don't treat him like he owes you something now, you told him where to get off and that's exactly what he did. The ease with which you dismiss him as a coward after all that has transpired indicates that you really don't respect him and that you all not being together is likely for the best.

I am sorry though...I'm sure this situation feels terrible...

 

[Lenee925]

Rastafarai...I'm not saying it was OK for you to act in such a manner to the guy, but based on the conversation you had with him on the phone, I think your intuition told you not to give this guy the time of day for a reason. You have to follow your intuition and don't look back.

Also, do you think you tried to give dude another chance because you may really want to meet someone? Do you think it's the biological clock/society thing?

I think you should get over this guy quick and don't let him guilt trip you further. Don't call/text ever again. Correct your behavior so that in the future you don't have to feel guilty for mistreating someone even if you don't want them. This guy is trying to be the embodiment of karma by hanging up on you telling you he's at his GF's house.

 

[ambergirl]

Wow....I feel like I just stepped back in time in my own life...

I had a situation like this when I first started dating

I wasn't a ***** but I was not at all sensitive to this guy I was dating who was off the deep end. We ran into each other a couple of years after I broke it off, and with a bit more dating experience under my belt I realized dude was actually quite a catch....and most importantly really into me.

We went out a few times very casually, and when it looked like something more was going to develop, he dropped the hammer...big time! He was too through with me and what I came to realize was that I had hurt him so badly he wanted to give me a taste of my own medicine....lesson learned....since then I've tried awfully hard to be honest, straightforward, and kind to any man that I date cuz when he dropped me like a hot potato....that **** hurt!

 

[Rastafarai]

Nicole, he is a coward for not being straight up with me. Why not tell me in my face that its over instead of telling me how much he loves, cares, etc etc and wishes to mend our relationship. One night he led me to believe one thing and a few days later he pulls the rug under me. I'm not deserving of that, and neither is his new woman if he can't stand up on his own two feet on professing his newfound relationship. My ways may have hurt him but I did not play games with him and his emotions. He decided to do that with me and I guess that's what hurts the most. He's like a completely different man now. That said, I have definitely cut all my ties with him.

 

[Rastafarai]

Rastafarai...I'm not saying it was OK for you to act in such a manner to the guy, but based on the conversation you had with him on the phone, I think your intuition told you not to give this guy the time of day for a reason. You have to follow your intuition and don't look back.

Also, do you think you tried to give dude another chance because you may really want to meet someone? Do you think it's the biological clock/society thing?

I think you should get over this guy quick and don't let him guilt trip you further. Don't call/text ever again. Correct your behavior so that in the future you don't have to feel guilty for mistreating someone even if you don't want them. This guy is trying to be the embodiment of karma by hanging up on you telling you he's at his GF's house.

Yeah, Lenee, I have cut all ties.

I wanted to make things work because I later realized that I had someone who wanted to give his all to me. He truly did raise the bar and I missed that. I decided then that I would try and overlook his faults and make it work, but, by that time, it was too late. Oh well.

 

[Lenee925]

Yeah, Lenee, I have cut all ties.

I wanted to make things work because I later realized that I had someone who wanted to give his all to me. He truly did raise the bar and I missed that. I decided then that I would try and overlook his faults and make it work, but, by that time, it was too late. Oh well.

I'm glad you cut ties Rastafarai. I don't think this guy was truly "willing to give his all" for you. I'm not sure how he "raised the bar" but everything you say about him reeks of a jerk. Especially since you rejected his a$$, he got mad and tried to make you think you were missing something. I just don't think you missed out on as much as you might think.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Girl, I don't know why you are trippin. You talking about how you don't deserve this treatment? You treated that man like TRASH and he gave you a taste of your own medicine. You caused all of this.

You should have just let him have his new woman, instead of trying to get him back cause you were jealous that he moved on and found somebody that he really loves.

Just move on and stop acting like you're INNOCENT.

Cause it's ALL your fault.

Nicole, he is a coward for not being straight up with me. Why not tell me in my face that its over instead of telling me how much he loves, cares, etc etc and wishes to mend our relationship. One night he led me to believe one thing and a few days later he pulls the rug under me. I'm not deserving of that, and neither is his new woman if he can't stand up on his own two feet on professing his newfound relationship. My ways may have hurt him but I did not play games with him and his emotions. He decided to do that with me and I guess that's what hurts the most. He's like a completely different man now. That said, I have definitely cut all my ties with him.

 

[Rastafarai]

Girl, I don't know why you are trippin. You talking about how you don't deserve this treatment? You treated that man like TRASH and he gave you a taste of your own medicine. You caused all of this.

You should have just let him have his new woman, instead of trying to get him back cause you were jealous that he moved on and found somebody that he really loves.

Just move on and stop acting like you're INNOCENT.

Cause it's ALL your fault.

Uhhh what?

I never once said I treated him like trash. I simply said at times I was a ****** and during one of our arguments said something I regretted.

I'm not sure where you're getting the trash talk from.

As for him being with someone that he loves...

 

[*CherryPie*]

You know you treated him bad. That's why you were feeling guilty and basically crawling on you knees BEGGING that man to take you back.

And he DOES love her. He told you in so many words when he told you that he was with his girlfriend. He was letting you know how he felt about her.

You live and you learn. Move on girl, and stop acting....

Uhhh what?

I never once said I treated him like trash. I simply said at times I was a ****** and during one of our arguments said something I regretted.

I'm not sure where you're getting the trash talk from.

As for him being with someone that he loves...

 

[Rastafarai]

You know you treated him bad. That's why you were feeling guilty and basically crawling on you knees BEGGING that man to take you back.

And he DOES love her. He told you in so many words when he told you that he was with his girlfriend. He was letting you know how he felt about her.

You live and you learn. Move on girl, and stop acting....

I never said I had not moved on.

And FYI, I was not begging and pleading. We spoke, I apologized for my behavior, he was willing to listen and initially gave me the impression that there was a chance of mending our relationship and that turned out to be a revenge tactic. End of story.

You're really twisting this into something that it is not.

 

[*CherryPie*]

You know I'm not twisting this.

Folks might feel bad for you because he didn't want you back, but this is your fault. If youdont take responsibility for what you do, you'll do it again, sooner or later.....to someone else.

He didn't deserve the treatment you gave him. He sound like a good guy.

I never said I had not moved on.

And FYI, I was not begging and pleading. We spoke, I apologized for my behavior, he was willing to listen and initially gave me the impression that there was a chance of mending our relationship and that turned out to be a revenge tactic. End of story.

You're really twisting this into something that it is not.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

You know I'm not twisting this.

Folks might feel bad for you because he didn't want you back, but this is your fault. If youdont take responsibility for what you do, you'll do it again, sooner or later.....to someone else.

He didn't deserve the treatment you gave him. He sound like a good guy.

uhh, do u two know each other? you seem a little ...

anywho, i agree that it's for the best that you guys go your separate ways. you dumped him for a reason, which is probably still valid.

 

[*CherryPie*]

No. We don't know each other.

When this thread started, she sent me PM talking about how bad she did that man. It was terrible! She told me a lot of mess. Now she's coming out here lying.

She shouldn't have even PM'ed me with that mess, then lie out here.

uhh, do u two know each other? you seem a little ...

anywho, i agree that it's for the best that you guys go your separate ways. you dumped him for a reason, which is probably still valid. i don't see why you would want him back.

 

[Rastafarai]

No. We don't know each other.

When this thread started, she sent me PM talking about how bad she did that man. It was terrible! She told me a lot of mess. Now she's coming out here lying.

She shouldn't have even PM'ed me with that mess, then lie out here.

Cherry, girl, what you smoking?

Here's the PM I sent you, remember?

Thanks for sharing your opinion on the matter in the Rltp forum. The conversation between him and I happened on Monday night into early yesterday morning.

There was alot left out in that thread but he hinted to having a future together (marriage, kids, how are you going to iron out our various problems, etc etc.) but said that he first needs to sort the situation out with the new person in his life.

That said, I don't know what to do. I have changed my outlook on this guy and fear that given my split-second decision to throw in the towel, I may never get him back again. He told me he will be in touch with me and that was that. The hardest thing of this all is that he lives in my neighborhood, literally a minute away from me which can and will definitely prove problematic in us truly moving on.

So I take it you think that he's feeling this new woman and isn't telling me the truth? Should I just wish him the best and call it a day? I hate playing the waiting game.

Where did I say how bad I treated the man?


Girl, please.


ETA: That's not the purpose of the thread anyway. What was said was said and I just returned to give an update. Thank you for your contributions and advice.

 

[calm_delight]

Let me get this right... He doesn't want to hurt her feelings early on in the "relationship", when they've only been dating for two weeks. So he plans to wait a few days/weeks/ months / years (who knows) and invest more time into the relationship (she or he may fall in love in this time)... and THEN he's going to leave new chick for the ex?

Riiiiiggghhht - That makes sense. Wait 'til you're engaged, then let her know you're still pining away for your ex. C'mon son!

Either he's lying to 'you' or he's "acting like" a p***y and doesn't want to hurt either of your feelings (at the expense of his own happiness). In which case, I'm not sure he's much of a prize anyway.

Good luck - I know this is an awful situation.

 

[Sapphire]

Ummm wow...I gather the OP understands what she did wrong in the situation. No need to drag her through the mud even more.

I'm not surprised by the outcome of this but I think it was handled immaturely on both ends.

 

[aribell]

Nicole, he is a coward for not being straight up with me. Why not tell me in my face that its over instead of telling me how much he loves, cares, etc etc and wishes to mend our relationship. One night he led me to believe one thing and a few days later he pulls the rug under me. I'm not deserving of that, and neither is his new woman if he can't stand up on his own two feet on professing his newfound relationship. My ways may have hurt him but I did not play games with him and his emotions. He decided to do that with me and I guess that's what hurts the most. He's like a completely different man now. That said, I have definitely cut all my ties with him.

I think my purpose was not to say that he acted fine, but that when you really love and care about someone, they have the ability to hurt you deeply. That seems to be what happened here. When people are scorned--if they give you their best and you throw it away as nothing--it's a really deep cut. However he is acting is most likely out of this place of hurt, anger, confusion, and the like. Part of him may have wanted to come back, and the other didn't...it's not a black and white thing, and I don't think that a few days is necessarily long enough to resolve those kinds of conflicting feelings.

On the other side of the coin, when you really love and care about someone, you find it easy to see their point of view, or at least are readily willing to do so. Dismissing him--his character, his person--as a coward (different than taking issue with cowardly actions, as you can be angry with someone without losing respect for them), seemed to suggest that little respect was there in the first place...Which is why I thought that more than anything it just seemed that while you see that you had something good and something to gain from him returning, you don't seem to be prepared to love him very well in return, or better than you did before. (I don't know precisely how bad you were toward him, but I got the impression from the op that it was pretty bad...maybe it wasn't?)

This is not a criticism of you--whether that's because you just did not have it in you to love him in particular, or whether it was something else I couldn't say. But, I only wrote because if you were interested in reconciling like the op said it seems like the only way that could be possible is if you respected him in a way that you did not before...which is something different than you missing what he was giving you. And growing respect for him would probably start with understanding why he's too frustrated and hurt right now to act rationally toward you or be cordial.

 

[calm_delight]

Well ladies, that ended horribly. It was all talk after all...

Oh wow @ the update. I'm sorry he hurt you. It's sad that he took that route and hurt you because you hurt him. Be glad he didn't string you along further and then show his true colors. I shol' hope you didn't give him no a*s when he came by that night.

 

[dancinstallion]

Why wouldn't it be hard for him to leave? Is he perhaps fearful of giving his heart (again) to someone who may hurt him (again)?

If he is trying to move on, why not just tell the ex that instead of relaying how much he missed her/loves her/wants to be with her...?

Because he is saying the truth and the truth will set you free! He probably does/did miss her but that doesn't mean he wants to be back with her.

 

[urbanchic]

Sounds like you should count your blessings with this one. He sounds very weak and petty.....not at all like a man with a backbone. But then again if had a backbone he probably would have set you straight when you went off on him.

BTW, don't be surprised if he tries to come back.

 

[Lenee925]

Sounds like you should count your blessings with this one. He sounds very weak and petty.....not at all like a man with a backbone. But then again if had a backbone he probably would have set you straight when you went off on him.

BTW, don't be surprised if he tries to come back.

He will.

When he does I hope OP politely shuts him down cold this time.

 

[YankeeCandle]

This is terrible to hear of. I'm not happy to have correctly called this one.

I don't think the ultimate issue is whether the OP's behavior was so beastly that it warranted him snapping back with (such an unsavory) vengeance.

To me, the bigger issue goes back to a subject I've mentioned in the past: CHARACTER. Regardless of OP's transgressions, his reactions say distressing things about his own character.

A person can say a mean thing in the middle of an emotionally charged fight and then later (actually, immediately even) regret it and make a sober apology for it, both with the words "I'm sorry" and with reformed bahavior patterns. I have done this a few times with my own SO (and MANY more times than I care to count with my immediate family members; I get heated with loved ones). I don't think that's necessarily a fatal deficiency of character; it's acting an arse, being foolish, and being human. And then making amends and setting yourself straight.

Quite different is the situation described here. Before we knew of the man's shoddy recent behavior, we have a man who, within TWO weeks of breaking up with OP, attached himself to a new woman and had sexual relations with her. Character warnings!

But let's give him the benefit of the doubt, just for argument's sake, and say that he wasn't on the prowl for a new woman. Instead, in his confusion and hurt over the situation with the OP, he drowned his sorrows with a random woman. Still a character issue IMO, because he is using another person to comfort his own loss, and the urge to so intemperately "drown" one's problems can be an indicator of deeper issues.

Now we have gained even more valuable information about him:

Now we know that when poked, he struck back with a vengeance. His behavior reminds me of a rattlesnake that a kid throws a pebble at and the snake's response is to rear back and sink its fangs into the offender's body. Whoa there!

Ultimately, the OP has learned--much sooner rather than later, thankfully--that this man does not handle his own hurt in anything resembling an appropriate fashion. How people react to things when the chips are down reveals much more about their character than their behavior during times of smooth sailing.

And the very bright side is that you no longer have to feel that you may have stupidly given up what could have been a good thing/good man.

It's actually a lucky break for you that you learned your lesson about beastly behavior in fights with THIS man...instead of with a man of genuinely good character who might be in the running for life partner. Now, a little bit wiser, you can start afresh.

Good luck to you.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

i'm sorry... try as i might with all of these "he's a coward", "his character sucks" and "you really dodged a bullet" responses, i still can't see where he is to be vilified and the op made out to be guilt/blameless....

i see it as a wash.... i've always hated the phrase, "hurt people hurt people", but i can see it here... dude was hurt and he in turn, hurt the op.... it may not be pc, but hey, it is what it is.... they obviously weren't meant to be or it would have worked the first time....