Advice Please: Married Six Months and still a Virgin

Kookookiwi said:
She is one of the sweetest people I've ever met, but I will say she's very selfish with her love and attention. You normally have to seek her and put in the time and effort. And like I said upthread she's very big on always being in control of herself. I'm not sure if she's consciously translated that into being the one in control of the relationship, but she definitely runs things in the relationship. It seems like he's this sweet little puppy running around trying to please her. He's always the one seeking her for physical comfort, affection, and attention and shes just kinda like eh.. Like I said above she said her biggest challenge in marriage thus far has been making sure she holds onto her independence and not wanting him up under her all of the time.

It's just weird to me because she says before marriage they would get hot and heavy and SHE'd be the one really having to restrain herself. I want to tell her to get help, but I don't want to offend her because this is such a private subject. Even though she brought it to me, I'm not sure of a tactful, non-invasive way to tell her she needs to get help.
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If she hadn't been all hot and heavy while courting bet he would not have wanted to marry her. She's a slick one. Classic bait and switch. I wouldn't spend anymore time thinking about or worrying about her. If you are uncomfortable suggesting she get help, don't. She and her dh will figure it out eventually or not. Either way it's not your problem and she's not in any kind of danger. So I'd let her problems go. Sounds like she's more bragging and enjoying holding onto her independence than anything. She probably doesn't want help.

ETA: I can delete your quote if you want me to ...

lux10023 said:
i dont mean to laugh but this part has me rollinggggg

:lachen::lachen::lachen::lachen:
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:lol:
 
I know her hubby was expecting more than this when he married her. Poor guy, his hands are tired for sure!
 
A marriage without sex is a dead one it doesn't make it stronger,unless both parties have very low libido or same reasons for abstinence.,trust me on that .
She needs to sort herself out or her husband will seek sex elsewhere .
 
Hot and Heavy before marriage and then nothing right after is Bait and Switch selfish behavior. Almost everyone I knew who waited for marriage while "touching" was watching the time clock at the wedding waiting for the reception to end. One even moved the wedding six months early because the tension was too much. She took him to meet her grand parents for the first time and didn't notice the hickey on his neck. She was so embarrassed when Nana pointed it out to her on the sly.

She can only control him with sex for so long. Sister Tina in the choir will soon begin smiling at him and he'll be gone sooner than she thinks and she'll have no one to blame but herself.
 
Kookookiwi I'm late at responding so everything pretty much has been covered.....I typed a long response but deleted it. Simply put, this reminds me of teenage love where the guy is ready but the girl isn't. I definitely believe he has to set the mood and get the vibe right for this to work given her reservations. Let her know penetration hurts in the beginning (for some) but that isn't how it will always be....you just have to work through it. I seriously think she's running from the pain among other things....I hate to say this but, pretty soon, she'll be running from some other pain (heart break) if she don't satisfy his needs.
 
An interesting thing happened when I came home tonight. I randomly turned on the TV and as I was looking for the news station for weather updates (snow is in the forecast), the channel stopped on Oprah's OWN and Iyanla was on with this episode:

Iyanla: Fix My Sexless Marriage

http://www.locatetv.com/tv/iyanla-fix-my-life/season-2/8085873

Watching this show made me cry. I could feel the pain in this marriage.

I get it. :yep: God is leading me to pray for this couple (your friend and her husband). They need help and support and serious healing. Your friend is not sharing everything with you, however she is reaching out for someone to help her. She's afraid that she's not good enough to please him.
 
Kookookiwi said:
Aww right when I was about to give up and just keep her in my prayers y'all come in and make me feel all compassionate and soft again ☺️. I'll watch Shimmie. And I'm waiting for her to get back to me and when she does I'm going to be open and honest about how worried I am for her and recommend her to seek help. If she doesn't, of course she'll always be on my prayer list and I'll be there to listen, but I'm not going to stress myself trying to help her. Thank you so much for adding her and her husband to your prayers.

It's just so sad because you know they love and care for one another. I think it was just right person, wrong time like you said divachyk
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Awwww don't feel bad, Little Sister :love2:

I was hard on her too in my first post. :lol: It's been 12 hours since... :look:

God used Iyanla to break me down. :blush3:
 
I hope I don't sound too offensive but this is definitely not normal. There are many reasons for the cause:

-abuse/trauma and mental illness
-physical and/or hormonal abnormalities
-lack of sexual literacy on the part of the husband and wife
-a denial of sexual orientation
-asexual couple who decided to use marriage as a partnership for things other than sexual intimacy and procreation

Solution: nothing beside having them seek a sex therapist, gynecologist/urologist, or psychiatrist
She definitely should not be seeking help in her friends and church community.
 
hopeful up in here pulling ol girl card :rofl: on some "yeah i married him and still dont have to give him none" :huh: that aint something you wanna be bragging about, sexual dysfunction having *** ** :lol:
 
I wonder if recognizing this is ample reason for a quick annulment would change her tune at all. If i were him I would have already sought one tbh
 
This happened to a couple I know. We were shocked when we found out. At that point they had been married for a couple of years. Needless to say, the husband was VERY frustrated about the situation. She didn't deal with her issues, so they divorced.

If that had happened to me, I would have tried for an annulment, because that's fraud to IMO.
 
I'll add an over identification with the status of virgin to the long list of possible issues. Some women get really attached to the notion of being pure and untouched and it becomes core to their identity. She might be one of those women because It's odd to me that she would share this problem with so many people....unless on some level it's something she's proud of.

Whatever it is, she needs to stop "bragging" about it with her friends and get some marital counseling, pronto.
 
Kookookiwi said:
As far as I know she's only told the three of us friends.
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That's 3 too many. Especially since she doesn't seem to be willing to listen to anything you all are saying. She needs counseling from a mental health professional because her refusal to have sex seems very willful and intentional.
 
ambergirl said:
I'll add an over identification with the status of virgin to the long list of possible issues. Some women get really attached to the notion of being pure and untouched and it becomes core to their identity. She might be one of those women because It's odd to me that she would share this problem with so many people....unless on some level it's something she's proud of.

Whatever it is, she needs to stop "bragging" about it with her friends and get some marital counseling, pronto.
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My thoughts exactly and I thinks this probably happens quite often.

She seems to take pride in her virginity which is ok...before marriage. I personally don't think she ever really planned to have sex. I feel bad for her husband. He got ganked.

I normally don't play into that whole " what one woman won't do another will" mindset because I feel it tricks women into honoring sexual request that they may not be comfortable with BUT, with him being a virgin too, I say he dissolve this marriage and find a good wholesome woman who isn't afraid to sneak off during their wedding reception to get down to business.
 
This is like one of those situations where a guy says he's large and skilled but when it comes to proving it, he deflates like a pimple. Reality has sunk in that she now has to walk the walk. I'm sure in the heat of the moment she was like "We need to stop. We have to wait until marriage." Well the marriage is here. She needs to pull up her grown woman drawers and act like a married woman. That means coming to a common ground to make things work for the benefit of the relationship. She has to meet him in the middle otherwise she has doomed the marriage even before it has truly begun.

Sex has "cured" plenty of minor issues in marriages. I'm sure for this dude something minor as a dirty dish in the sink or an empty toilet paper roll feels like the world is over unlike the non issue that it is.
 
ambergirl said:
I'll add an over identification with the status of virgin to the long list of possible issues. Some women get really attached to the notion of being pure and untouched and it becomes core to their identity. She might be one of those women because It's odd to me that she would share this problem with so many people....unless on some level it's something she's proud of.

Whatever it is, she needs to stop "bragging" about it with her friends and get some marital counseling, pronto.
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TBH I blame the church for this, they spend so much time brainwashing women into thinking that sex is bad and dirty and then expect everything to switch off the night the woman says I do. It's unrealistic, unhealthy and strange.
 
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