Advice Please: Married Six Months and still a Virgin

6 months!!!!! No sex!!!! That's a man of God she got for real, what man is going to put up with that? Sorry I have no advice :look: I'm shocked. Okay ......maybe she still doesn't feel comfortable with her sexuality, maybe she still feels sex is bad is that it? Scared of the "pain"? She needs to relax and maybe even go to counseling. ..idk...I'm shocked
 
NinasLongAmbition said:
6 months!!!!! No sex!!!! That's a man of God she got for real, what man is going to put up with that? Sorry I have no advice :look: I'm shocked. Okay ......maybe she still doesn't feel comfortable with her sexuality, maybe she still feels sex is bad is that it? Scared of the "pain"? She needs to relax and maybe even go to counseling. ..idk...I'm shocked
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He is definitely a good man. It could not be me:nono:. I know she's talked about sex with older married ladies and us, but other than premarital counseling no formal therapy. She doesn't talk like she thinks sex is bad, just like she doesn't see why it's a big deal. I also know the few times they've tried it's been painful/uncomfortable, but I still don't understand how that would be so discouraging she'd give up on sex entirely.. Unless it's a medical condition maybe? I don't know I don't get it. Myself and the rest of the friend group (virgins mixed in as well) are over here with the opposite problem, feening for the dack but at the same time praying to stay celibate:lol:
 
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I think that she realizes how serious this is, but is trying to play it off to you guys. Maybe there's something in her past, that she's not sharing with you ladies. 6 months, and no sex, there's a problem there.
 
awhyley said:
I think that she realizes how serious this is, but is trying to play it off to you guys. Maybe there's something in her past, that she's not sharing with you ladies. 6 months, and no sex, there's a problem there.
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I agree with your post! OP I think your friend should go and talk with her Gynecologist about her low libido. For her age this isn't normal. It could be hormonal and helped with Meds.

I would also recommend that they seek out a Family/Marriage or Sex therapist.

If she wants remain married she needs to do everything possible to get this figured out.
 
No past history of sexual abuse/trauma? I have no idea except that seeing a sex therapist might help.

I give both of them props though. 6 months after your married boy howdy.
 
Thank you for 'tagging' me, I'm honored that you asked me to share your concerns for your friend.

The truth is that this is not uncommon in a lot of marriages and not just those of many Faiths. There are many 'sexless' marriages (even in secular marriages) and the reasons are many.

This may sound strange but there are many, many marriages that have become stronger with this. The couples learned more about each other beyond sexual intercourse and their focus became more about each other and they were able to grow closer and intimate as a couple during their time of abstinence.

Although I put that out there and it's the truth, please do not share that with your friend. Her reasons for holding out are not going to strengthen her marriage. In fact she needs to be in counseling and to have a huge reality check before her husband ends up leaving her for someone else. In fact, I would give her a 'wake-up' call and advise her to seek marriage counseling and do it with a quickness.

The intimacy is only one-sided and it is coming from her husband, not her. He is loving her with patience and understanding which is what he is supposed to do, however it's not mutual and it is selfish. She's not caring how this makes him feel enough to get help for herself.

Her behavior may be as a result of fear, anxiety, or she may be a victim of sexual abuse and hasn't shared this with anyone, not even her husband. Whatever the cause of her withholding sex from her husband, she needs to get help and help is widely available even more for Christians with Christian counselors who are clean, professional and Godly and well able to help her get past this.

I wish her well. God bless you. :love2:

ETA: Is your friend on birth control? If so, it may be causing her hormones to be off balance resulting in a low desire for sex. She needs to see her doctor asap.
 
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6 months!!! Gee willakers!!!!

I'm shocked that a couple so young is going through this, but I know age has nothing to do with this. So, she hasn't experienced any sexual abuse, trauma, etc?

Does she want to have sex with her husband? Is he ok with a sexless marriage? Is she afraid of the pain from the first time? Are they otherwise intimate and loving? So many questions.....
 
I agree with the posters above, she should first see a doctor to make sure her hormone levels are in check, and then proceed to a sex therapist and/or marriage counselor.

I read an interesting article this summer by a woman who waited until marriage to have sex, even though she could now have sex without sin according to her beliefs, she couldn't shake the feeling that sex was shameful. http://www.xojane.com/sex/true-love-waits-pledge
 
sgold04 said:
I agree with the posters above, she should first see a doctor to make sure her hormone levels are in check, and then proceed to a sex therapist and/or marriage counselor.

I read an interesting article this summer by a woman who waited until marriage to have sex, even though she could now have sex without sin according to her beliefs, she couldn't shake the feeling that sex was shameful. http://www.xojane.com/sex/true-love-waits-pledge
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That article came to mind to me as well.
 
Kookookiwi said:
Unless it's a medical condition maybe? I don't know I don't get it.
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It can be a medical condition- there is some problem that starts with a V- it is basically painful sex for the woman. It can be treated.

My belief, it is her "duty" as his wife to be physically intimate with him. Not saying when she is sick or tired, but she cannot expect him to be happy with no sex EVER. Once they said their vows, this was one of the things she was promising him and he agreed to forsake all others.
 
Also, your friend has too much of her marriage business "in the street" so to speak. If there's one piece of advice I'd give her, it would be to turn to her husband to work this out and not anyone outside the marriage.

Counseling is a good route if they want to pursue that. The husband has to own up to his part in this too. He married her. Did they go to premarital counseling? If so, were these issues addressed?

Sent from my SCH-I545 using LHCF
 
I agree with sunnieb She is sharing way too much with you guys. I think it's okay to share some information because obviously she needs help and is reaching out and needs support. But she is sharing way too many details while not really sharing the truth. As an adult with this serious of a problem she should care enough about her husband to seek professional help. She sounds to me to be immature, naive, controlling, selfish, and/or slow. She (and probably her husband too) has a deep-seated problem that she needs to resolve herself. I think she is enjoying burdening others with her problem while feigning innocence and nonchalance. I also think she really enjoys the relationship as is and doesn't want to risk losing their emotional connection. I think she is afraid that once they have sex, he will begin to see her as a sex object vs his romantic, love interest. That is something they need to work through as a couple. Honestly, many men do change once they can have sex with you on a regular basis. But the answer cannot be to never have sex. I mean how long does she think this can go on?

I'm tired and frustrated just writing out this response. There is just too much going on here honestly and no one really knows what's going on with her but her. Don't let her waste your time and energy on her marital problem. Tell her to seek professional help, see her gynecologist, discuss the problem with a therapist, and a female leader in the church. She has a multi-faceted problem that she has to take seriously.

She may have been abused or she may be asexual. It could be anything girl. This is too complicated a problem for a group of girlfriends to solve. You are kind to care but there is not much you or your friends can do here. Just encourage her to seek professional help and stop sharing her marital business with so many.
 
She possibly had vaginismus. I find it interesting that she was able to express herself and feel the desire before marriage. Then after marriage **** gets real and she suddenly loses all desire?

Doesn't make sense. Her problems with pain are likely to be due to anxieties. Or possibly am intact hymen that's putting her off trying again because of the pain.

Best to see a doc instead of taking to friends to rule things out.
 
Share this scripture with her:

1 Corinthians 7:1-7 (NKJV):

1 It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.
7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.
 
hopeful said:
I agree with sunnieb She is sharing way too much with you guys. I think it's okay to share some information because obviously she needs help and is reaching out and needs support. But she is sharing way too many details while not really sharing the truth. As an adult with this serious of a problem she should care enough about her husband to seek professional help. She sounds to me to be immature, naive, controlling, selfish, and/or slow. She (and probably her husband too) has a deep-seated problem that she needs to resolve herself. I think she is enjoying burdening others with her problem while feigning innocence and nonchalance. I also think she really enjoys the relationship as is and doesn't want to risk losing their emotional connection. I think she is afraid that once they have sex, he will begin to see her as a sex object vs his romantic, love interest. That is something they need to work through as a couple. Honestly, many men do change once they can have sex with you on a regular basis. But the answer cannot be to never have sex. I mean how long does she think this can go on? I'm tired and frustrated just writing out this response. There is just too much going on here honestly and no one really knows what's going on with her but her. Don't let her waste your time and energy on her marital problem. Tell her to seek professional help, see her gynecologist, discuss the problem with a therapist, and a female leader in the church. She has a multi-faceted problem that she has to take seriously. She may have been abused or she may be asexual. It could be anything girl. This is too complicated a problem for a group of girlfriends to solve. You are kind to care but there is not much you or your friends can do here. Just encourage her to seek professional help and stop sharing her marital business with so many.
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I agree. And with all of these unresolved issues she seems to have, she had zero business getting married. She needs professional help.
 
i dont mean to laugh but this part has me rollinggggg

:lachen::lachen::lachen::lachen:



hopeful said:
I agree with sunnieb She is sharing way too much with you guys. I think it's okay to share some information because obviously she needs help and is reaching out and needs support. But she is sharing way too many details while not really sharing the truth. As an adult with this serious of a problem she should care enough about her husband to seek professional help. She sounds to me to be immature, naive, controlling, selfish, and/or slow. She (and probably her husband too) has a deep-seated problem that she needs to resolve herself. I think she is enjoying burdening others with her problem while feigning innocence and nonchalance. I also think she really enjoys the relationship as is and doesn't want to risk losing their emotional connection. I think she is afraid that once they have sex, he will begin to see her as a sex object vs his romantic, love interest. That is something they need to work through as a couple. Honestly, many men do change once they can have sex with you on a regular basis. But the answer cannot be to never have sex. I mean how long does she think this can go on?

I'm tired and frustrated just writing out this response. There is just too much going on here honestly and no one really knows what's going on with her but her. Don't let her waste your time and energy on her marital problem. Tell her to seek professional help, see her gynecologist, discuss the problem with a therapist, and a female leader in the church. She has a multi-faceted problem that she has to take seriously.

She may have been abused or she may be asexual. It could be anything girl. This is too complicated a problem for a group of girlfriends to solve. You are kind to care but there is not much you or your friends can do here. Just encourage her to seek professional help and stop sharing her marital business with so many.
Click to expand...
 
Sumra said:
She possibly had vaginismus. I find it interesting that she was able to express herself and feel the desire before marriage. Then after marriage **** gets real and she suddenly loses all desire?

Doesn't make sense. Her problems with pain are likely to be due to anxieties. Or possibly am intact hymen that's putting her off trying again because of the pain.

Best to see a doc instead of taking to friends to rule things out.
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I agree with this. If the issues stem from a physical problem, she should find a good gyn who is also paired with a physical therapist to help her work through it. If it is physical it is a bad idea to tough it out or just push through it because it could make it worse. If this is her issue she should find a gyn/PT that specializes in pelvic floor pain.
 
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