A Single Women's Guide to Marriage Preparation

BeautifulFlower

BeautifulFlower

Well-Known Member
Hairlove's thread raised some interesting questions. Particularly, being ready for marriage. Now alot of married women say they were ill-prepared for the daily task of a wife and it caused some stress on the marriage.

Married women and divorcee: What can single women do to be better prepared physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

I know there is a similiar thread in the Relationship Forum but I'd like to hear responses from godly women. (if there are any differences at all)
 
Here's a response I gave to a post on Relationships (How Long Is Too Long). I think it applies to "getting ready."

"I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about submission and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual. So, if a woman isn't ready to be submissive -- she's not ready.

Being ready has also meant that had to be in a place of allowing my husband to be the head of our family and dealing with the need within me to try and control things. So, in essence, I had to allow God to deal with my control issues. I had to learn that He is control -- not me. If a woman feels the need to be in control, she's not ready.

Being ready has meant I've had to deal with my selfish nature -- IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! If a woman wants to be all about her -- she's not ready.

Being ready means learning to forgive easily and being quick to ask for forgiveness.

I've also had to learn how to disagree (even argue) in a way without disrespecting my husband. I've had to learn not to use my words to try to cut and hurt him just because I'm angry. If women isn't ready to deal with that deadly tongue, she isn't ready.

To sum it up: if we're not ready to put down our flesh, we're probably not ready.

Honestly, I didn't learn all this stuff BEFOREhand, but I sure wish I'd had someone to sit me down and tell me the REAL DEAL. The more I line myself with God's word, the better wife I become. So, in short, all the instructions for preparation we need are in the Bible: submission, forgiveness, being slow to anger, speaking kind words, communication, honesty. If we measure ourselves by this, we'll find out just how close we are to being ready for a loving marriage relationship.

ETA: And I haven't even begun to talk about sex yet!
 
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neenzmj said:
Here's a response I gave to a post on Relationships (How Long Is Too Long). I think it applies to "getting ready."

"I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about submission and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual. So, if a woman isn't ready to be submissive -- she's not ready.

Being ready has also meant that had to be in a place of allowing my husband to be the head of our family and dealing with the need within me to try and control things. So, in essence, I had to allow God to deal with my control issues. I had to learn that He is control -- not me. If a woman feels the need to be in control, she's not ready.

Being ready has meant I've had to deal with my selfish nature -- IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! If a woman wants to be all about her -- she's not ready.

Being ready means learning to forgive easily and being quick to ask for forgiveness.

I've also had to learn how to disagree (even argue) in a way without disrespecting my husband. I've had to learn not to use my words to try to cut and hurt him just because I'm angry. If women isn't ready to deal with that deadly tongue, she isn't ready.

To sum it up: if we're not ready to put down our flesh, we're probably not ready.

Honestly, I didn't learn all this stuff BEFOREhand, but I sure wish I'd had someone to sit me down and tell me the REAL DEAL. The more I line myself with God's word, the better wife I become. So, in short, all the instructions for preparation we need are in the Bible: submission, forgiveness, being slow to anger, speaking kind words, communication, honesty. If we measure ourselves by this, we'll find out just how close we are to being ready for a loving marriage relationship.

ETA: And I haven't even begun to talk about sex yet!
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GO GO GO GO :grin:

This is a great post. You hit on something I know I need to work on. In my past relationship, when you cross me wrong I go off. I mean serious off. I know men hate it. I hate being that angry, if feels terrible. I pray I have a husband that never does anything so awful I get that angry.
 
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prettyfaceANB said:
GO GO GO GO :grin:

This is a great post. You hit on something I know I need to work on. In my past relationship, when you cross me wrong I go off. I mean serious off. I know men hate it. I hate being that angry, if feels terrible. I pray I have a husband that never does anything so awful I get that angry.
Click to expand...

Maybe you should pray about that. There shouldn't be something so awful that you forget and go off in that way. Know what I mean? No matter what, (now you know) you should try your best to display God's grace. You know I say this in love.
 
hairlove said:
Maybe you should pray about that. There shouldn't be something so awful that you forget and go off in that way. Know what I mean? No matter what, (now you know) you should try your best to display God's grace. You know I say this in love.
Click to expand...

I know. :perplexed I get hot! I think I have a tendency to hold things in and then I explode. I take slow to anger as dont show anger. Clearly arent the same thing. But generally, its not a random explosion. Its more like you just crossed me for the last time. I do have to pray about this alot before I marry.

ETA: What I mean get me that anger is tells me he got someone pregnant (this happened to me) and yes I went off, find out he's been living with someone (this happened to me too), hit me (never happened but I dont play that).
 
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prettyfaceANB said:
I know. :perplexed I get hot! I think I have a tendency to hold things in and then I explode. I take slow to anger as dont show anger. Clearly arent the same thing. But generally, its not a random explosion. Its more like you just crossed me for the last time. I do have to pray about this alot before I marry.

ETA: What I mean get me that anger is tells me he got someone pregnant (this happened to me) and yes I went off, find out he's been living with someone (this happened to me too), hit me (never happened but I dont play that).
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Now that is just downright awful!! I used to always say that every woman has a little bit of "crazy" in her and I'd say those situations could bring it out.

I get what you mean about exploding. It can be a difficult thing to conquer. I think many of us deal with anger in different ways and it's something we must all pray on. Fight or flight - I am flight.

I had to pray about not allowing someone to speak to me in a bad way. This was a big "project" for me the last few months. First, I had to be honest with myself as in "why" I didn't speak up. Then, I had to prepare myself for the next time and have a script ready. I know now should it happen again I need to simply say "You cannot speak to me that way." And if the person doesn't change their tone, then I'm done with the conversation. I hate arguing and just refuse to do it. Discussing - I'm ok with . :)

Sorry - back to the topic at hand. :yep:
 
This is good. Men hate disrepect and we you, yell they feel disrespected. But of course this hasnt stopped me.

I guess I always wanted to portray that I am accepting of how they are so I put up with alot. Then some happens and I go off. I dont speak up in the first couple years (Ive been in two long term relationships). Then I go from caring alot to not caring at all. Its completely unbalanced and can be a death to a marriage. I need to start establishing my standards in the beginning and speaking up if something bother me. Thanks for the tip.

hairlove said:
Now that is just downright awful!! I used to always say that every woman has a little bit of "crazy" in her and I'd say those situations could bring it out.

I get what you mean about exploding. It can be a difficult thing to conquer. I think many of us deal with anger in different ways and it's something we must all pray on. Fight or flight - I am flight.

I had to pray about not allowing someone to speak to me in a bad way. This was a big "project" for me the last few months. First, I had to be honest with myself as in "why" I didn't speak up. Then, I had to prepare myself for the next time and have a script ready. I know now should it happen again I need to simply say "You cannot speak to me that way." And if the person doesn't change their tone, then I'm done with the conversation. I hate arguing and just refuse to do it. Discussing - I'm ok with . :)

Sorry - back to the topic at hand. :yep:
Click to expand...
 
neenzmj said:
Here's a response I gave to a post on Relationships (How Long Is Too Long). I think it applies to "getting ready."

"I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about submission and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual. So, if a woman isn't ready to be submissive -- she's not ready.

Being ready has also meant that had to be in a place of allowing my husband to be the head of our family and dealing with the need within me to try and control things. So, in essence, I had to allow God to deal with my control issues. I had to learn that He is control -- not me. If a woman feels the need to be in control, she's not ready.

Being ready has meant I've had to deal with my selfish nature -- IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! If a woman wants to be all about her -- she's not ready.

Being ready means learning to forgive easily and being quick to ask for forgiveness.

I've also had to learn how to disagree (even argue) in a way without disrespecting my husband. I've had to learn not to use my words to try to cut and hurt him just because I'm angry. If women isn't ready to deal with that deadly tongue, she isn't ready.

To sum it up: if we're not ready to put down our flesh, we're probably not ready.

Honestly, I didn't learn all this stuff BEFOREhand, but I sure wish I'd had someone to sit me down and tell me the REAL DEAL. The more I line myself with God's word, the better wife I become. So, in short, all the instructions for preparation we need are in the Bible: submission, forgiveness, being slow to anger, speaking kind words, communication, honesty. If we measure ourselves by this, we'll find out just how close we are to being ready for a loving marriage relationship.

ETA: And I haven't even begun to talk about sex yet!
Click to expand...

Oh my word, preach it sista. I love this post a lot. Thank you so much for it.

ETA: Wow, it really felt like you are I were the same person...You have voiced my thoughts exactly, thanks again.
 
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Let me tell you about speaking up. I learned this lesson the hard way and as someone said, it can be the death of a marriage. It falls under the umbrella of communication and communication problems are one of the leading causes of divorce.

But back to my story: I was afraid to speak up in my first marriage. Part of it was because I hadn't learned to control my temper and I was afraid that if I spoke up, I'd blow up! Another reason I didn't speak up was because I had began receiving the negative words of my ex-husband as facts -- meaning, he might say "you're so selfish". Mind you, there was some truth to it, but negative words can kill your spirit. So, I began to accept the negative words and I began to believe those things about myself. Over the course of time, I built up a lot of anger and resentment toward him and it played out in some very unexpected ways that eventually led to our divorce.

It took me awhile to stop believing the bad about myself because of those words that were spoken about me. Only by looking to God's word did I began to see that I wasn't as sucky as I'd believed myself to be.

Nowadays, I speak up immediately, but I've learned to do it firmly, yet lovingly. I've learned to pray, check my motives, check my heart and to pick my battles wisely. I've also learned to pray that my husband's heart will be receptive and to be ok with not seeing eye to eye in some areas. It has played a major part in the health of our relationship.
 
This is a great post. And funny that I was thinking we were off-topic but oh how it applies. God puts our words where they need to be sometimes. I am glad it gave you more to tell us about.

And yes, that is probably the same for me. I don't speak up out of fear...maybe I'd blow up too. But I know, I need to continually pray on that b/c I will let people do horrible things to me and never speak up - lack of confidence and lack of self-esteem.

Thank you for sharing this...what a blessing to share in your wisdom.

ETA: In my bible study on Monday nights, a woman mentioned how sometimes people may not be receptive to what you have to say. And how you need to pray about it before you do it.

neenzmj said:
Let me tell you about speaking up. I learned this lesson the hard way and as someone said, it can be the death of a marriage. It falls under the umbrella of communication and communication problems are one of the leading causes of divorce.

But back to my story: I was afraid to speak up in my first marriage. Part of it was because I hadn't learned to control my temper and I was afraid that if I spoke up, I'd blow up! Another reason I didn't speak up was because I had began receiving the negative words of my ex-husband as facts -- meaning, he might say "you're so selfish". Mind you, there was some truth to it, but negative words can kill your spirit. So, I began to accept the negative words and I began to believe those things about myself. Over the course of time, I built up a lot of anger and resentment toward him and it played out in some very unexpected ways that eventually led to our divorce.

It took me awhile to stop believing the bad about myself because of those words that were spoken about me. Only by looking to God's word did I began to see that I wasn't as sucky as I'd believed myself to be.

Nowadays, I speak up immediately, but I've learned to do it firmly, yet lovingly. I've learned to pray, check my motives, check my heart and to pick my battles wisely. I've also learned to pray that my husband's heart will be receptive and to be ok with not seeing eye to eye in some areas. It has played a major part in the health of our relationship.
Click to expand...
 
neenzmj said:
Here's a response I gave to a post on Relationships (How Long Is Too Long). I think it applies to "getting ready."

"I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about submission and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual. So, if a woman isn't ready to be submissive -- she's not ready.

Being ready has also meant that had to be in a place of allowing my husband to be the head of our family and dealing with the need within me to try and control things. So, in essence, I had to allow God to deal with my control issues. I had to learn that He is control -- not me. If a woman feels the need to be in control, she's not ready.

Being ready has meant I've had to deal with my selfish nature -- IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! If a woman wants to be all about her -- she's not ready.

Being ready means learning to forgive easily and being quick to ask for forgiveness.

I've also had to learn how to disagree (even argue) in a way without disrespecting my husband. I've had to learn not to use my words to try to cut and hurt him just because I'm angry. If women isn't ready to deal with that deadly tongue, she isn't ready.

To sum it up: if we're not ready to put down our flesh, we're probably not ready.

Honestly, I didn't learn all this stuff BEFOREhand, but I sure wish I'd had someone to sit me down and tell me the REAL DEAL. The more I line myself with God's word, the better wife I become. So, in short, all the instructions for preparation we need are in the Bible: submission, forgiveness, being slow to anger, speaking kind words, communication, honesty. If we measure ourselves by this, we'll find out just how close we are to being ready for a loving marriage relationship.

ETA: And I haven't even begun to talk about sex yet!
Click to expand...

Yes Yes Yes to the bolded! And this submission and giving up of control begins first in your relationship with God.

Awesome post!
 
Here are some of my initial thoughts from important lessons I've learned:

1 Corinthians 7:4 (NIV)
The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV)
Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Ok, let me start by saying I’m speaking merely from my own personal experiences, so use and discard as you see fit (my situation/thoughts/experiences certainly don't apply to everyone.)


I have heard and the scriptures above more times than I can remember, but it wasn’t until I REALLY made a decision to be the wife God desired me to be that it really took root. I don’t know about anyone reading this, but when I was single and the hormones were raging, I thought to myself, “oh, this will be no problem ‘cause we can work this out ALL the time, but everyday life (work, kids, housework, church, school, etc.) has a funny way of leaving you too exhausted (mentally and physically) to feel like prancing around in your lingerie and stiletto heels. So what do you do?


Communication
The area of marital sex is no time to be super holy woman. This is the time to have REAL honest discussions about sex: likes/dislikes, differences in sex drive, frequency, touch, positions, things that are off-limits, things you’re open to trying, things you’re not open to trying.

Priorities:
One of the biggest lessons I’m learning is how to prioritize my life. It is SOOOO easy to let everything else come before your spouse: job, kids, household duties, hair, exercise, even church. It is important for women to make certain to put their husbands at the top of their priority list (after God, of course.) and if he’s “hinting”, take notice and don’t just brush him off.

Rejection
I never realized how easily men can feel rejected, not just by our words, but by our body language as well. For instance, there have been times when my husband may come up behind me when I’m washing dishes and give me that special kind of hug (wink, wink). Sometimes, I’d kind of stiffen up as if to say – ok, that’s nice, but I‘ve gotta finish these dishes. Well, I didn’t have to SAY anything, but he felt the rejection in my body. I’ve had to work on this. It comes under the whole “priority” category. I had to ask myself: is it more important for me to consider my husband’s needs or finish the dishes. This was an area that called for lots of communication for us. He conceded that there are times where I can’t drop everything and I’ve learned how to let him know that I “hear” his needs and let him know we’ll make special time later (I’m trying to keep it clean, here ladies!) This has really been important and it’s a total 180 from the days when my attitude would be: “don’t you see me standing here tryin’ to wash these dishes?”

These are the first thoughts off the top of my head, but I would also like to encourage anyone considering marriage (and married women as well) to meditate on I Corinthians 7:4 and REALLY consider what it means for our bodies not to belong to us.
 
Super holy....LOL!

I do need to meditate on 1 Corinthians 7:4. Especially when it comes to my way of dressing. I am becoming more and more modest with every outfit I buy but I still dont like people telling me what I can and can not wear. I guess its the "Independent women, I brought everything I got" mentality. And being a stay at home mom. Thats not me and I know it. I need prayer ya'll.:rolleyes:

neenzmj said:
Here are some of my initial thoughts from important lessons I've learned:

1 Corinthians 7:4 (NIV)
The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV)
Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Ok, let me start by saying I’m speaking merely from my own personal experiences, so use and discard as you see fit (my situation/thoughts/experiences certainly don't apply to everyone.)


I have heard and the scriptures above more times than I can remember, but it wasn’t until I REALLY made a decision to be the wife God desired me to be that it really took root. I don’t know about anyone reading this, but when I was single and the hormones were raging, I thought to myself, “oh, this will be no problem ‘cause we can work this out ALL the time, but everyday life (work, kids, housework, church, school, etc.) has a funny way of leaving you too exhausted (mentally and physically) to feel like prancing around in your lingerie and stiletto heels. So what do you do?


Communication
The area of marital sex is no time to be super holy woman. This is the time to have REAL honest discussions about sex: likes/dislikes, differences in sex drive, frequency, touch, positions, things that are off-limits, things you’re open to trying, things you’re not open to trying.

Priorities:
One of the biggest lessons I’m learning is how to prioritize my life. It is SOOOO easy to let everything else come before your spouse: job, kids, household duties, hair, exercise, even church. It is important for women to make certain to put their husbands at the top of their priority list (after God, of course.) and if he’s “hinting”, take notice and don’t just brush him off.

Rejection
I never realized how easily men can feel rejected, not just by our words, but by our body language as well. For instance, there have been times when my husband may come up behind me when I’m washing dishes and give me that special kind of hug (wink, wink). Sometimes, I’d kind of stiffen up as if to say – ok, that’s nice, but I‘ve gotta finish these dishes. Well, I didn’t have to SAY anything, but he felt the rejection in my body. I’ve had to work on this. It comes under the whole “priority” category. I had to ask myself: is it more important for me to consider my husband’s needs or finish the dishes. This was an area that called for lots of communication for us. He conceded that there are times where I can’t drop everything and I’ve learned how to let him know that I “hear” his needs and let him know we’ll make special time later (I’m trying to keep it clean, here ladies!) This has really been important and it’s a total 180 from the days when my attitude would be: “don’t you see me standing here tryin’ to wash these dishes?”

These are the first thoughts off the top of my head, but I would also like to encourage anyone considering marriage (and married women as well) to meditate on I Corinthians 7:4 and REALLY consider what it means for our bodies not to belong to us.
Click to expand...
 
my neighbor that llives by my mom once told me the man she is married to now (10 yrs married) is NOT the man she married.
mind you, hes the same person but i think her point was that as u grow with eachother you have to change together also and usually for the good.
and me being single and knowing that one day i will be married, i have to accept the fact that the man i marry off jump my not be the perfect man in my eyes, but in time he may evolve into the man of my dreams.

disclaimer: not saying he wont be the man of my dreams to begin with.

yall know what i mean by this post:grin:
 
This is an excellent thread...I've been dealing with this issue a lot myself. I'm preparing for marriage with my fiance and must I tell you its no easy task. I must also admit that I do have anger management issues at time when arguing , but my biggest struggle is taming my tongue I need to learn that you can't tear people down with your words when you're upset because at the end of the day its going to hurt me more than the other person. What tips do you ladies have for dealing with your husband or significant other when he's not the easiest to get along with?
 
prettyfaceANB said:
Hairlove's thread raised some interesting questions. Particularly, being ready for marriage. Now alot of married women say they were ill-prepared for the daily task of a wife and it caused some stress on the marriage.

Married women and divorcee: What can single women do to be better prepared physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

I know there is a similiar thread in the Relationship Forum but I'd like to hear responses from godly women. (if there are any differences at all)
Click to expand...

Charity. Physical and emotional charity towards the needs of others. Charity towards one's own self and spiritual needs and development.


MsCharee, when he urks you,you have to tell him. Talk it out and start by saying, "when this happens, this is how I feel..." Don't say, "when YOU do such and such." That will put him on the defensive. Let him stand all on his own in the mud lolol!
 
Great question:



First of all, you have to have something to work with. If we really knew what marriage was all about many of us would chose differently. Personally, I believe gender roles are important in any strong relationship. A man is already a man and should posess certain qualities ie. protection, provision, and spiritual maturity. A real man is not looking for a woman that posesses all of these qualaties as they should already have them.



Learn how to embrace your feminie role. The man God sends you to will need your help. That is why you are called a helpmeet. Begin to train yourself in things that will make you a proper help. He doesnt need you to pay the bills - he should already be doing that. He doesnt need you to be the spiritual covering in the home, he should be prepared to be that. Not with the things God has required him to do. This is not a popular idea, but I believe it is God's idea. Does this mean a large part of your efforts will be home-centered? It should. If you work outside the home make sure you learn how to leave that role in the garage and come home to be "wife". If you are a student, pursue a degree that will allow you flexibility necessary to make certain your husband and children are cared for. He should not have to compete with your career.


Many women make the mistake of taking on their husbands role which usually causes them to become lazy and not accomplish all God wants to accomplish through them.


I have much more to say, but I am certain many of you think I have said enough already. :spinning:
 
After reading Lady in Waiting and Choosing God's Best, I truly believe that to prepare for a godly marriage, you need to prepare by becoming a godly woman. Right now, I am very focused on being the godly woman who God wants me to be.

I've just started reading the book Beautiful in God's Eyes - The Treasures of the Proverbs 31 Woman by Elizabeth George. The Bible is definitely my guidebook but I also like Christian self-help to break things down by topics. I can see this book just being one of many that can only help me in learning some of the things the ladies above have mentioned.
 
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