3 Dates and an ****** Vacation!

[LivingDol1]

Hi Ladies.... (sorry this is long)

I've been posting about this in the Random Relationships Thoughts thread but I need some advice. Or something. Reality slap across the face?

First, I need to come clean. On the 3rd date last week, we had a great time. We bar hopped in the neighborhood starting at 8:30pm. We had fun talking and making each other laugh. Kissing, duh, which has gotten so much better between us. 12:30 came around fast and we were leaving the 2nd bar. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said that I wanted to go to one last place.

Then he goes, "Ok I'm going to say something crazy. I totally get that you want to take things slow and I respect that. But I've had a great time being around you on our dates and I'm not going to see you for 2 weeks. I really want you to spend the night with me. I'm not a monster and I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. But, I just want to spend as much time with you as possible before I leave. So, the best thing I think is for you to stay with me tonight."

.....

!!!!!!

killing me here. I hemmed and hawed and he was like, I can go to your place. i said no b/c my place was a mess. he said i could go to his place. and I said well, OK, but i'm leaving at 6:30am to go back to my place. He said OK, whatever you want. So, we walked to his apartment. Gosh, I felt so like... weird? I wanted to go with him but I didn't want to but I wanted to... I could tell during the date that he was sort of thinking. He suggested pizza and a movie beforehand and I -knew- he was talking about his place. it might have just been easier to go to his place and watch a movie and leave!!

So, we get to his place. He introduces me to his roommate. We go in his room and he asks me if I want any PJ pants or anything of his to sleep in. I say no because I fully intend to wear my full outfit in bed! I wasn't even going to wash my face! I was also trying to think of ways to escape in the middle of the night.

We obviously made out in his bed. My clothes stayed on. No hands underneath stuff. No skin on skin. No entries. He stayed pretty behaved. The kissing was pretty hot so at a point he said that we should go to bed so he faced me away from him but held me close to him the entire night. I didn't get sleep because I kept thinking about escaping, waking up every half hour. He would say things in the middle of the night like, "If this is too much, we could watch TV in the living room." "I could go on the couch or if you want, you can have the couch." "I'm really glad that you decided to stay over with me."



at 6:30, I promptly got up. Put my shoes on, made sure I still looked as nice as 6 hours ago (I did) and he walked me to the elevator to press the button and kissed me goodbye. He said that he would see me soon. Then he texted me at around 11am to pick on me about Words with Friends (his 3rd loss to me).

*sigh* During our last date, he asked me if I would email him on FB while he was gone. So I said I would if he wanted. Should I email him? How long should I wait? Am I delusional? Do you think he was trying to get it in before he went away? (obviously). Am I crazy to think that he won't be in touch when he gets back? I hope he doesn't meet some Jewish broad on his trip. I will not be happy with that.

I miss him and I've been thinking about him and I want to email him. But I think I should wait. He comes back March 19.

Any advice?

 

[texasqt]

#1 Calm down and stop with the what ifs
#2 If you miss him, message him already. Just say hi.

The biggest thing is to relax and hush those voices in your head. Take it for what it was and take it a day at a time. Sounds like you enjoyed each others company and he knew he was leaving so he wanted to spend more time with you. That's it, that's all. If he was trying to get it, it would've been a lot weirder than that. Like Chester the Molester weird.

 

[Xavier]

Sorry I had to delete my post...I really thought this was one of those threads where you were venting about a horrible date...

If you like the guy and he asked you to send him a fb message, I would do it.


I would like to add that you seemed really uncomfortable going back to his place. Why did you give in if you knew it would be awkward?

At my age(late 20s) I could not sleep in the same bed with a guy unless I plan to give up the goods. That's just me...

 

[meesch]

Then he goes, "Ok I'm going to say something crazy. I totally get that you want to take things slow and I respect that. But I've had a great time being around you on our dates and I'm not going to see you for 2 weeks. I really want you to spend the night with me. I'm not a monster and I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. But, I just want to spend as much time with you as possible before I leave. So, the best thing I think is for you to stay with me tonight."

that was... a really... involved... speech...

eta: ok i read the rest of the post. i'm just teasing w/ the above comment. i don't have much room to be rude because i slept with my boyfriend on our fourth date. then again, we had been talking for four months before we even went out once with the explicit understanding that we were aiming to see whether a relationship would work between us. so while i don't necessarily believe any of these rules about time, i do think using time as a marker CAN be a useful indicator of his interest... but then again, i'm one of those who thinks it doesn't really matter when you sleep with a guy, if he don't like you, he just don't like you.

HOWEVER. this is the problem with that. this approach works for me because i have learned to stop getting myself in bad situations. i went to my bf's house after we had spent a full week deciding whether i should, and talking about the sex issue. so i knew it was really likely to come up. we had already defined our boundaries because it wasn't last minute. what happened in your case was impulsive, and you were not sure and somewhat uncomfortable about it. this is different because he pushed you to see how far he could take it. if you really did not sleep with him, then you did well, but you still let him know (very early on, i'm thinking) that he could lean on you and bend your boundaries. it's one thing to do it when you're ok with it, and a guy can either take it or leave it. but if he talked you into it/you weren't sure, that's a much murkier area and things have been muddied.

the next thing is i'm wondering how developed is your relationship with this guy at this point? because two weeks apart ON TOP of almost entering f-buddy territory, something about that doesn't sit well with me. if you have a pretty solid foundation of "we like each other and it's pretty clear we're heading in a certain direction" then two weeks apart probably won't matter. but if it's very casual, i would be assuming he was seeing other women during that time.

if i were in your situation, i would be as aloof as possible right now to counteract these two things. i would contact him exactly ONCE, and let him reply to me. if he did not, i would not contact him again. and if he did, i would talk to him that time, but i wouldn't initiate contact again after that.

next time don't go to his place if you don't want sex. i do that all the time too, especially when i've been drinking, and it's never resulted in a relationship for me. tbh a guy is kinda sketch to get you liquored up and then steer you toward going back to his place to begin with. (i speak from experience and it doesn't have to mean he's a creep, just that he clearly wants sex.)

 

[sweetvi]

^^^^^. Lol

 

[LivingDol1]

that was... a really... involved... speech...

lmao!!! Um, no joking, it was a speech. he said all of those things.

If you like the guy and he asked you to send him a fb message, I would do it.


I would like to add that you seemed really uncomfortable going back to his place. Why did you give in if you knew it would be awkward?

At my age(late 20s) I could not sleep in the same bed with a guy unless I plan to give up the goods. That's just me...

I'm 30 and he is 25. I hadn't slept in another dude's bed in 4 years... since my last relationship. Yes, I was uncomfortable but I gave in b/c I knew that 2 weeks apart was going to suck and he made a big speech, so... I did what I wanted instead of doing what I thought was appropriate.

I will email him on my Wednesday, his Thursday...

 

[Avyn]

This is so cute. I thought it was going to go somewhere else. Glad it was less than totally awkward. Go ahead and email him. I would think differently if he had not stated his desire to have you as a part of his life but he did. I'm not clear on whether he was just saying that to get a spectacular send-off. It doesn't seem like it bc he stopped and turned you away and seemed really glad you spent the night. Let him continue to let his feelings be known first though, and don't come out the gate all thirsty when you msg him.

 

[meesch]

gal, how you let a young boah' do you like that? i'm sure he's DEFINITELY feeling himself right now...

 

[LivingDol1]

what happened in your case was impulsive, and you were not sure and somewhat uncomfortable about it. this is different because he pushed you to see how far he could take it. if you really did not sleep with him, then you did well, but you still let him know (very early on, i'm thinking) that he could lean on you and bend your boundaries. it's one thing to do it when you're ok with it, and a guy can either take it or leave it. but if he talked you into it/you weren't sure, that's a much murkier area and things have been muddied.

Oh I appreciate your long response. Just to be clear, we slept(as in real sleeping. not coloring) together. no funny business beyond kissing. we've known each other for a month, and the second time we hung out in a social group situation, he asked me out on a proper date and then he kissed me in the same night. so, kissing as sort of been a thing since the start. but with the 1st and 2nd dates, we would greet each other with a hug. kissing and hand holding didn't occur until the 2nd half of each date.

the next thing is i'm wondering how developed is your relationship with this guy at this point? because two weeks apart ON TOP of almost entering f-buddy territory, something about that doesn't sit well with me. if you have a pretty solid foundation of "we like each other and it's pretty clear we're heading in a certain direction" then two weeks apart probably won't matter. but if it's very casual, i would be assuming he was seeing other women during that time.

it's still early. he's told me that he's really into me. i am assuming that there is a possibility that he is seeing other girls. i won't sleep(color) with him until we have talked about being in a monogamous relationship, which obviously has not happened. he knows i don't want to rush. sharing a bed may not have been my idea of how the 3rd date should go but... it won't happen again! the intimacy of sharing a bed with him is a lot for me.

if i were in your situation, i would be as aloof as possible right now to counteract these two things. i would contact him exactly ONCE, and let him reply to me. if he did not, i would not contact him again. and if he did, i would talk to him that time, but i wouldn't initiate contact again after that.

i will only email him once! if he emails me back, i might respond. i will not email him twice in a row. i can't even text twice in a row. lol.

next time don't go to his place if you don't want sex. i do that all the time too, especially when i've been drinking, and it's never resulted in a relationship for me. tbh a guy is kinda sketch to get you liquored up and then steer you toward going back to his place to begin with. (i speak from experience and it doesn't have to mean he's a creep, just that he clearly wants sex.)

we didn't get liquored up... 2 beers each. he's a guy. he wants sex. but i will not be going to his place again for a while, if we are still seeing each other when he gets back. he works with one of my best friends who says he is boyfriend material. they don't talk about me though. he's very tight lipped.

 

[LivingDol1]

gal, how you let a young boah' do you like that? i'm sure he's DEFINITELY feeling himself right now...

wait, what do you mean by that? what did i do wrong? lol. oy.

 

[meesch]

wait, what do you mean by that? what did i do wrong? lol. oy.

i meant that in a situation where one party is older than the other, it's usually the older person with the upper hand. 25 to 30 is, i think, reasonable enough for a power differential... he's about my age, and i'd be giggling bout having a 30 year old jumping through hoops for me. but maybe he's nicer than i am

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

i meant that in a situation where one party is older than the other, it's usually the older person with the upper hand. 25 to 30 is, i think, reasonable enough for a power differential... he's about my age, and i'd be giggling bout having a 30 year old jumping through hoops for me. but maybe he's nicer than i am

Lmao.......

 

[CarLiTa]

Ditto on meesch's recommendations. Acting aloof, emailing ONCE if he hasn't by then (which would really be ideal) and then letting him take the next steps.

Knowing me, I'd likely wait longer than a week since the last time I saw him... like 9-10 days or something

But, disagreeing with what meesch said, he may actually have the opposite reaction to him not getting anything from you that other night, even despite the fact that he's younger and whatnot.
He may think: gaah, I can't wait to see her!! (you know, for a variety of reasons... some of which may be more about certain things than about others)

But hm, this scenario is actually quite familiar to me. My ex boyfriend, when we first started dating, tried to get me to spend a night with him because he was going away for a long trip. I was doubting my self-control, and though I initially agreed (reluctantly), I backed out somewhat last minute. I wasn't upset with him, even though he seemed a disappointed about the change... but I just wasn't ready for all that! He got over it, I think, and things proceeded normally. I did get skeptical when, as he was heading back, he was going on and on about how he couldn't wait to see me, how he owes me so many dates because he misses me a lot, and I kept thinking: what are reeeeallly trying to say?

But anyway, another thing about long vacations/trips away from each other: because I was so cautious in the beginning, the long time apart only helped us get closer... because I didn't have to worry about dates that turn hot and heavy and having to monitor my self-control and have to muster up some iron will or whatnot.

During that time apart, said boyfriend and I talked almost every day, about the things we were seeing on our respective trips. When he returned, I felt much more comfortable with potentially taking things further.

My post is all over the place... Hm... I would probably restate the boundaries. I'm thinking that when he returns, he will want to spend "as much time as possible with you because we haven't seen each other in so long and I missed you"... and then try to suggest another overnight stay. That date might have to happen during the daytime if he wants to spend substantial time together... and you might have to diffuse spending the night, no matter how much he begs.

 

[LivingDol1]

i meant that in a situation where one party is older than the other, it's usually the older person with the upper hand. 25 to 30 is, i think, reasonable enough for a power differential... he's about my age, and i'd be giggling bout having a 30 year old jumping through hoops for me. but maybe he's nicer than i am

jumping through hoops? i'm not sure if going back to his place is jumping through a hoop, but maybe i shouldn't email him at all then....

 

[Theo]

I'm not sure what the big deal is lol. Why do you think he won't contact you when he gets back? I didn't see anything that you posted that would indicate that... I dunno, I'm confused.

 

[meesch]

jumping through hoops? i'm not sure if going back to his place is jumping through a hoop, but maybe i shouldn't email him at all then....

i didnt mean you were jumping through hoops. just that i always tend to think the older person will be calling the shots. i also do think, in my opinion, you should contact him... im not a believer in aloofness to the point of appearing disinterested.

 

[CarLiTa]

jumping through hoops? i'm not sure if going back to his place is jumping through a hoop, but maybe i shouldn't email him at all then....

Meh, it doesn't have to be jumping through hoops, IMO.
If a conversation about us having spent the night together came up, I'd probably be like: I did wanna spend time with you and I thought it was a decent idea, but I ended up feeling more uncomfortable about it than I anticipated.
I don't see what's wrong in saying that at all... It's normal for people to overestimate their comfort level with various situations... why not this?

To follow up, I'd re-state that I want to feel more comfortable in general before going there again. If a guy faults you for a half-mistake and can't handle what you think is the recommended course of action for yourself, then he's not the one.

 

[Natty_Virgo]

I hope you emailed him by the time I post this. It is just a email lol, just say hi haha.

 

[LivingDol1]

Ditto on meesch's recommendations. Acting aloof, emailing ONCE if he hasn't by then (which would really be ideal) and then letting him take the next steps.

Knowing me, I'd likely wait longer than a week since the last time I saw him... like 9-10 days or something

But, disagreeing with what meesch said, he may actually have the opposite reaction to him not getting anything from you that other night, even despite the fact that he's younger and whatnot.
He may think: gaah, I can't wait to see her!! (you know, for a variety of reasons... some of which may be more about certain things than about others)

But hm, this scenario is actually quite familiar to me. My ex boyfriend, when we first started dating, tried to get me to spend a night with him because he was going away for a long trip. I was doubting my self-control, and though I initially agreed (reluctantly), I backed out somewhat last minute. I wasn't upset with him, even though he seemed a disappointed about the change... but I just wasn't ready for all that! He got over it, I think, and things proceeded normally. I did get skeptical when, as he was heading back, he was going on and on about how he couldn't wait to see me, how he owes me so many dates because he misses me a lot, and I kept thinking: what are reeeeallly trying to say?

But anyway, another thing about long vacations/trips away from each other: because I was so cautious in the beginning, the long time apart only helped us get closer... because I didn't have to worry about dates that turn hot and heavy and having to monitor my self-control and have to muster up some iron will or whatnot.

During that time apart, said boyfriend and I talked almost every day, about the things we were seeing on our respective trips. When he returned, I felt much more comfortable with potentially taking things further.

My post is all over the place... Hm... I would probably restate the boundaries. I'm thinking that when he returns, he will want to spend "as much time as possible with you because we haven't seen each other in so long and I missed you"... and then try to suggest another overnight stay. That date might have to happen during the daytime if he wants to spend substantial time together... and you might have to diffuse spending the night, no matter how much he begs.

Hey! Yeah, i think that's a good idea.... waiting longer than a week... I was cool with the idea of just not hearing from him at all until he asked me to email him. Perhaps I will wait until Sunday to send a short note asking about how his trip is going.

Overnight, he really wasn't pushy or inappropriate. So I would hope that he wasn't just seeing me to be after some tail. Like the 2nd poster said, if he was going to be forceful, he would've pulled some Chester the Molester type of mess. And he did text me the following day... he initiated.

I will reinstate the boundaries. I do hope he is missing me. I think we do need day time dates. the first 2 were day time dates than just lasted long into the evening. the 3rd was intended to be a shorter evening date. evening dates = no. day dates = yes.

 

[LivingDol1]

i didnt mean you were jumping through hoops. just that i always tend to think the older person will be calling the shots. i also do think, in my opinion, you should contact him... im not a believer in aloofness to the point of appearing disinterested.

lol. oh, i do call some shots... he has responded well to my early training. plus, he already comes with some basic good manners and he's competitive so I think it's a decent balance...

ok, i will contact him... but i won't write anything lovey dovey. short and sweet.

 

[LivingDol1]

I'm not sure what the big deal is lol. Why do you think he won't contact you when he gets back? I didn't see anything that you posted that would indicate that... I dunno, I'm confused.

So, the last guy I was in a relationship with... We were dating for 3 months. He went on a trip with his father to Alaska. He was gone for 10 days with no cell reception. When he came back, the day after, we went on one dinner date. And then he broke up with me a few days later.

I'm a little crazy. In my late teens and 20s, if something didn't work out with a guy, I would use process of elimination techniques to try to avoid repeat "mistakes". Some make sense. Most do not. Like, never dating another guy named John. Never dating a Leo again. Never dating a musician. Never dating a guy from a broken home. Never dating a guy who resulted from a 2nd marriage. Never dating a guy who traveled to Alaska and liked it. Never date a guy who goes on vacations after we hit it off. You get what I mean...

 

[Theo]

So, the last guy I was in a relationship with... We were dating for 3 months. He went on a trip with his father to Alaska. He was gone for 10 days with no cell reception. When he came back, the day after, we went on one dinner date. And then he broke up with me a few days later.

I'm a little crazy. In my late teens and 20s, if something didn't work out with a guy, I would use process of elimination techniques to try to avoid repeat "mistakes". Some make sense. Most do not. Like, never dating another guy named John. Never dating a Leo again. Never dating a musician. Never dating a guy from a broken home. Never dating a guy who resulted from a 2nd marriage. Never dating a guy who traveled to Alaska and liked it. Never date a guy who goes on vacations after we hit it off. You get what I mean...

Hmm... has that worked out for you though? Sounds like you're focusing on the wrong things. Like it wasn't that the dude was a musician, but that he had commitment issues, or it wasn't Alaska per se, but maybe things had been starting to wind down before he even left. I mean you're right... the vacation thing isn't great timing, but that's nobody's fault.

I know it can be difficult, but its not fair to make a new guy pay for someone else's past sins. Like I said, I didn't really see anything in the OP to flip over, it sounds like y'all had fun. Message him if you wanna, see where things pick up when you come back.

 

[laCriolla]

waiiit what happened to "let's go to x pizza place and we can catch the 10pm show" ??? we JUST talked about this

 

[laCriolla]

lmao!!! Um, no joking, it was a speech. he said all of those things.



I'm 30 and he is 25. I hadn't slept in another dude's bed in 4 years... since my last relationship. Yes, I was uncomfortable but I gave in b/c I knew that 2 weeks apart was going to suck and he made a big speech, so... I did what I wanted instead of doing what I thought was appropriate.

I will email him on my Wednesday, his Thursday...

that's real. i've been there. quite honest.

 

[LivingDol1]

Hmm... has that worked out for you though? Sounds like you're focusing on the wrong things. Like it wasn't that the dude was a musician, but that he had commitment issues, or it wasn't Alaska per se, but maybe things had been starting to wind down before he even left. I mean you're right... the vacation thing isn't great timing, but that's nobody's fault.

I know it can be difficult, but its not fair to make a new guy pay for someone else's past sins. Like I said, I didn't really see anything in the OP to flip over, it sounds like y'all had fun. Message him if you wanna, see where things pick up when you come back.

you are 200% right. i've made considerable progress in how I treat dating in the past 4 years. and no, it's not fair to make some guy suffer for the behavior of a past person. this guy may be 25 but he's taken me out on thoughtful dates. we've had great conversations, and he's fun. he's been more interesting for me to be around than the guys i've dated who have been a few years older than me.

i'm trying to just keep it positive and light. i am in my own head sometimes (like now). i hope i can't subconsciously be heard!

 

[Cheekychica]

I think you're way over thinking things. You are both into each other at this point- why be stingy with the emails? If he's as into you as you are to him, he's probably eagerly anticipating hearing from you. If you play games, he may think you're not that into him and (possibly) move on (although he may not, if he likes you as much as it seems he does).

Just email him!

 

[Cheekychica]

I've been following your posts in the Relationships RT and I'm excited for you (and living vicariously )

 

[CarLiTa]

ok, i vote email him soon! scratch what i said before!
something sweet but not too sweet!

 

[MissJ]

I think he was trying to get it in, or at least prepare you for that for the near future. The pizza and a movie date suggestion should have been a tip off. I don't see anything that was accomplished with your staying the night with him. *shrug*

 

[LivingDol1]

ok, i vote email him soon! scratch what i said before!
something sweet but not too sweet!

OK, I just emailed him. My Tuesday, his Wednesday. He's been gone since Saturday.

But now I'm going to put it to bed! I can't expect a response b/c he is on vacay with limited access to email... but I did what was asked. If I get a reply, awesome. What really counts is what happens when he gets back. If he replies, I'll update in this thread...