25 and NEVER had a boyfriend

[WakandanPrincess]

Hello ladies,

I need some advice if you don't mind offering it to me. I am 25, and have never been in a relationship. I don't know what the problem or hold up is. As of late, I've started to think that maybe it's me. I go out with guys, and we date for a couple of months, but then they find someone else. It's getting to be real depressing. I have plenty of friends that are in relationships, and I too want to be in one, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I will be single for the rest of my life...

There is one guy that I've been dating consistently for since November, but as of two weeks ago he cut me off. I'm not sure what I did, but that really hurts, because I thought that we were finally getting somewhere. Being cut off has done a number on my self confidence, and I know you shouldn't let a man or relationship define you, but it does not feel good to know that you have been rejected.

My mom says give it time, and a relationship will come. But, I feel like I have been giving it time, only to fall short in the end. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't focus on it so much, but I can't help but want to be in a loving relationship with a good man.

What do you ladies think?

 

[CocoaButter]

Do you give these men the cookie?

If so, you need to stop.

I'm guessing the men you've dated so far have the mentality 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.'

 

[WakandanPrincess]

No, I haven't done that. I was taught not to give it up right away. I feel more comfortable waiting a while to get to that point.

 

[mischka]

i havent either. or, more accurately, the only "relationships" ive had were ones i didnt want or ones that i didnt realize the guy was considering to be relationships. i either

never make it to the first date
go out with the guy once
end up seeing him for years non-exclusively

i never have the inbetween stage where the guy is stringing me along, mostly because i wouldnt allow that if it was a guy i actually wanted to be with. so, i either panic early on thinking things arent going to go my way, so i cut it off before something bad happens, or i like the guy enough to see him casually until i get sick of it.

i dont know what to do with relationships at this point... i figure it'll happen when it happens, as long as i dont fck it up first (which im prone to do). i dont really know what to do when i like a guy, so i tend to run him off by being crazy

 

[CocoaButter]

No, I haven't done that. I was taught not to give it up right away. I feel more comfortable waiting a while to get to that point.

Oh ok, and you're pretty too.

Hmmmm maybe it's just the 'type' of men you date then?

Try and date more 'serious' guys, who are into long-term commitments.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

A) What state/region do you live in.

B) What kind of guys do you usually date? Age/Profession/Education

C) How do you typically approach things when you're dating someone?

D) What dating "rules" do you follow?

E) Where do you usually meet the men you date? Do you meet them in various settings or does it tend to be the same?


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[WakandanPrincess]

Thank you for sharing. Yeah, they guy I dated these last 6 months didn't want a girlfriend either, but his actions said differently. Maybe I was reading too much into them. erplexed

Oh ok, and you're pretty too.

Hmmmm maybe it's just the 'type' of men you date then?

Try and date more 'serious' guys, who are into long-term commitments.

Thanks for the compliment. Where do I find these serious guys? THe serious ones I find already have kids, and I can't do kids right now.

A) what state/region do you live in.

B) What kind of guys do you usually date? Age/Profession/Education
28-34/ Contractors (I live in DC where contracting is big) Atleast a Bachelor's Degree
C) How do you typically approach things when you're dating someone?
I go into dating with no expectations.
D) What dating "rules" do you follow?
I like for men to be respectful and chilvarous, though if not its not exactly a deal breaker. Sometimes I may kiss on the first date, sometimes I won't/ No sex until I'm ready. That's pretty much it...
E) Where do you usually meet the men you date? Do you meet them in various settings or does it tend to be the same?
I've met them online, through friends, random places like Target or the Grocery Store

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[mychai]

Have you REALLY liked any of these guys? Are you more concerned about the fact that you haven't achieved the right of passage of "being in a relationship" or is this about a particular guy.

If it's the former, then I agree with your Mom. Wait it out. You will meet a man that you connect with, and that relationship will progress. In fact, I think that you are better off as you are because you have no baggage. No one has hurt you deeply, though your ego may have gotten a bit bruised. This means that when you finally meet the man of your life you will come to him heart-whole without any preconceived notions. That's a good thing, IMO.

If it's the latter, if you have been in love (more than once), but can't seem to make it stick, then you may be doing things to sabotage your relationships. In this case, I would suggest that you go to counseling to see if maybe you have a fear of commitment. If you do, a good counselor can work with you to overcome that fear.

 

[Etherealsmile]

You're really pretty OP

The problem might not be you necessarily but the type of men you date. Do they usually want you to give up the cookie fairly quickly?

Also please don't take offense to this but how would you describe your general attitude and outlook on life?

I'm just not seeing where the disconnect is. From all accounts, you shouldn't be having issues in the man realm...erplexed

 

[Katherina]

Do you have any guy friends you can ask? I think that would be your best bet because most of us aren't too knowledgeable on how and why they do what they do.

The two things I can think of: they wanna get some and you're not giving it up so after 2-3 months they move on, OR you're unknowingly saying or doing something that they don't want longterm. It could be anything: the way you dress, your conversation, your approach to money / finances . . . I have a pretty friend in your situation (she's 27) but I have a hunch that she sends off a gold digging signal & guys pick up on that.

I hope you figure it out soon, OP! Let us know.

 

[Syrah]

A) what state/region do you live in.

B) What kind of guys do you usually date? Age/Profession/Education

C) How do you typically approach things when you're dating someone?

D) What dating "rules" do you follow?

E) Where do you usually meet the men you date? Do you meet them in various settings or does it tend to be the same?


Sent from my iPhone4 using LHCF

Great questions, I would add:

F) What kind of men do you want to date?

G) What kind of men are you currently dating? (In other words, are you dating the men that you want to keep and need to just tweek things to keep 'em, or are you not really dating the men you want to keep)

 

[Syrah]

No, I haven't done that. I was taught not to give it up right away. I feel more comfortable waiting a while to get to that point.

Plus, I wouldn't sweat it. Men will say that if they don't get the cookie by "x" they're out. But EVERY one of my guy friends who claims to be adamant about this has waited it out for the "right girl".

 

[WakandanPrincess]

You're really pretty OP

The problem might not be you necessarily but the type of men you date. Do they usually want you to give up the cookie fairly quickly?

Also please don't take offense to this but how would you describe your general attitude and outlook on life?

I'm just not seeing where the disconnect is. From all accounts, you shouldn't be having issues in the man realm...erplexed

Thank you . I think I have a great attitude. I've been called very "real" by guys, kind of like Queen Latifah's character in Just Wright. Like, Im the type that can hang out with them, but thats about it. the last guy never asked me for sex, so i thought it was a good thing. Again, I could've been reading too much into it.

Do you have any guy friends you can ask? I think that would be your best bet because most of us aren't too knowledgeable on how and why they do what they do.

The two things I can think of: they wanna get some and you're not giving it up so after 2-3 months they move on, OR you're unknowingly saying or doing something that they don't want longterm. It could be anything: the way you dress, your conversation, your approach to money / finances . . . I have a pretty friend in your situation (she's 27) but I have a hunch that she sends off a gold digging signal & guys pick up on that.

I hope you figure it out soon, OP! Let us know.

I have tried asking them, but they can't offer really good answers, so I gave up including them lol. I'm not sure as to what I could possibly be doing. I'm quick to cut off a man if he's pressuring me for sex...I've been called stuck up, spoiled, all that foolishness, but I make it a point for the man to know that I'm not looking for him to "sponsor" me or any of that. I can do that on my own. I'm just so lost right now.

Great questions, I would add:

F) What kind of men do you want to date?
G) What kind of men are you currently dating? (In other words, are you dating the men that you want to keep and need to just tweek things to keep 'em, or are you not really dating the men you want to keep)

I date men that have good, legit jobs. I try to date ones that appear to be respectful, but often times, the real them show's up after while.
I'm not dating anyone right now. I've decided to take a break.

Thank you all for your input!

 

[Maracujá]

We talked about this not too long ago, great thread: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=469564

 

[Flourishnikov]

Aww, OP, I totally sympathize with you! I, too, live in DC and I have never had a "real" boyfriend. Part of it is my fault and I accept responsibility for that, but then I think part of it has to do with this area and the mentality of the men. Most if not all of my friends back in Houston (hometown) are all married, in relationships, and have atleast been engaged. Ive had none of the above and I came to DC back in '03 for school.

Ive just come to the conclusion that I need to go out, live life, continue to expand my social network, date and have fun, until I meet "the one". There is no shortage of suitors as I meet someone almost everytime I go out, but meeting someone that wants the same things that I want (with no kids) has proven to be the problem. Stressing about it isnt gonna make you meet "him" quicker, so you might as well just enjoy the process in the meantime.

 

[WakandanPrincess]

Aww, OP, I totally sympathize with you! I, too, live in DC and I have never had a "real" boyfriend. Part of it is my fault and I accept responsibility for that, but then I think part of it has to do with this area and the mentality of the men. Most if not all of my friends back in Houston (hometown) are all married, in relationships, and have atleast been engaged. Ive had none of the above and I came to DC back in '03 for school.

Ive just come to the conclusion that I need to go out, live life, continue to expand my social network, date and have fun, until I meet "the one". There is no shortage of suitors as I meet someone almost everytime I go out, but meeting someone that wants the same things that I want (with no kids) has proven to be the problem. Stressing about it isnt gonna make you meet "him" quicker, so you might as well just enjoy the process in the meantime.

True, I see what you are saying. I've met plenty of men too, but like you, its hard to find someone that wants the same things as you. That's been part of the problem for me.

 

[Klearli]

Thank you for sharing. Yeah, they guy I dated these last 6 months didn't want a girlfriend either, but his actions said differently...

That's the only thing that concerns me. Please don't take offense to anything that I say, because I don't mean anything negative, but my advise would be to believe people the first time they tell you what it is. If he says he doesn't want a girlfriend, but he still acts jealous, wants to keep you to himself, does boyfriend like things...he still doesn't want a girlfriend. And that could mean he either doesn't want you as one, but likes what y'all do (be it sex, someone cool to take to movies, companionship, ect), or he wants to make sure he's free to do what he feels, be it dating other women, having sex with them if you're not giving it, whatever. If he isn't in the mind to have a girlfriend, on to the next. My other advise would be don't fall in love with someone who doesn't deserve it. Idk if you're the type of lady who gets strong feelings before the time is right...but don't do it. stay cool and casual.Because men pick up on when a woman is feeling them more than she "should". If you're that cool queen latifah hang out type girl, then get more mysterious! Let them chase you. Be unavailable sometimes. And last advise would be to make a promise to your self that the next man you sleep with will make a commitment to you. Be celibate until you get the right guy.


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[ms.mimi]

I believe some areas of the country have it worst when it comes to men then others.

 

[lux10023]

seems as if they are putting you in the friend zone?

Thank you . I think I have a great attitude. I've been called very "real" by guys, kind of like Queen Latifah's character in Just Wright. Like, Im the type that can hang out with them, but thats about it. the last guy never asked me for sex, so i thought it was a good thing. Again, I could've been reading too much into it.









Thank you all for your input!

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Okay so this is pretty hard to determine without knowing you but here's my take from what you've said thus far:

- I've heard that DC is a particularly difficult dating field from a multitude of BW. Not sure what it stems from but it doesn't seem to be changing. Any chance you're open to moving? Maybe a little further north?

- You said in your response to an earlier post that you "make it a point" to tell men that you are "not looking for a sponsor" and you can "do it on your own." This stuck out to me, I don't think that's the way to go. I used to think like that and eventually realized its flawed thinking.

a) Men like to feel needed by their women, they like to feel like they're providers even if you don't need him to do certain things, oftentimes it's important to let him "fix the sink" to let him feel like an alpha male. Thats one of the lessons my mom taught me through action and words with my dad growing up. So making statements like that may be off-putting to a man and make him back away.

b) What if he would enjoy treating you to things? What if he thinks a fun date would be to take you shopping and watch how pretty you'd look in 10 new outfits from bloomingdales? Then finish off with dinner. Why not? I have a cousin who's boyfriend paid her entire undergrad tuition, paid her cell phone bill since they began seeing eachother, pays for her Internet in her house and randomly gives her $3 - 500 to "do whatever". My older brother is the type that when he saw his ex was really into the new iphone 3G he bought it for her and even paid her bill for 2yrs there (did the same for me just because). Some men are like that, and just like to be in the position to provide that for their GF.​

- Now onto the sex thing.

How long does it usually take you to "feel comfortable" enough to have sex?

Also you mentioned you immediately cut off any guy that pressures you for sex. I'm actually not sure about that either. I think the vast majority of men will try to get it in....to me it's how they go about it makes a difference. If he's a complete jerk about it then yea, that's a character flaw, but if he sorta tries but you politely put the kibosh and he then "acts right" then that means that you can establish yourself as a different caliber of woman then he's used to dealing with and you can build something.



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[ScorpioBeauty09]

My immediate reaction was the location factor. DC is like Atlanta, there's more BW than BM, especially educated ones which makes it very hard for dating. If moving isn't an option, would you consider dating interracially?

 

[Menina Preta]

What stood out to me in your posts OP is that you said you go into dating with "no expectations." You attract what you subconsciously put out there. You should expect to date someone and if there is a mutual attraction and good foundation for it to progress to a relationship.

My advice to you is:
1. Do not stop dating other people until you are in a relationship. It's not clear to me if you were seeing other guys while dating the previous dude for 6 months, but I assume you were not.

Anyways, be unavailable certain days with no rhyme or reason...Even if you're not dating anyone else, let him think someone else is vying for your attention.
2. Do not do "girlfriend"-ish things with men who aren't your boyfriend. To me that means, cooking for him more than once or twice a month, sacrificing your plans with your girlfriends to chill with him, not going on dates at least every other time or every 1 out of 3 times you see each other, etc. Do not introduce these men to your friends or family members. He needs to realize his place.

If you are having sex, keep booty call type romps to a minimum. And sorry to take it there, don't show all your best and nastiest bedroom tricks in the beginning. Also, avoid languishing at his place or having him posted up in yours over the weekend. Ok, to do it once in a while, but in general, avoid creating this quasi relationship when you two have never discussed anything.

3. I'd say around 2.5 - 3 months of dating, start feeling out when to broach the "So what are we?" talk. Ideally, he'll bring it up first, but if not, you can steer the conversation that way.

4. Like it has already been said, run far away from any man that tells you dead in your face that he does not want a relationship. No matter what he does, even if he introduces you to his mama, he may never change his mind. Don't waste your time.

Good luck.

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

i havent either. or, more accurately, the only "relationships" ive had were ones i didnt want or ones that i didnt realize the guy was considering to be relationships. i either

never make it to the first date
go out with the guy once
end up seeing him for years non-exclusively

i never have the inbetween stage where the guy is stringing me along, mostly because i wouldnt allow that if it was a guy i actually wanted to be with. so, i either panic early on thinking things arent going to go my way, so i cut it off before something bad happens, or i like the guy enough to see him casually until i get sick of it.

i dont know what to do with relationships at this point... i figure it'll happen when it happens, as long as i dont fck it up first (which im prone to do). i dont really know what to do when i like a guy, so i tend to run him off by being crazy

This was me sort of before I got married. I never had a relationship at all before I got married, not even with my husband. I "dated" him on and off for years before but I never considered it a relationship. This was the case for other guys I "dated" as well. It was always just very casual and off and on. I always kept that at a comfortably far distance, I just wouldn't let anyone "invade" my life. If they called too much I'd rarely ever answer the phone and just did not make myself available. So even though I'm married. I don't know how to do "relationships" which is bizarre.

Just give yourself time to find the right guy, you are obviously dating all the frogs and haven't found your prince yet. Keep dating but protect yourself a bit more and don't get too invested in one man, keep all of your options open.

 

[AstroQueen77]

Dont sweat it. It just isnt your time yet.

 

[princessnad]

Have reasonably high expectations and stop being the homegirl.

 

[Luvcurlies1984]

Hey OP! This is my 2cent based on experience, please don't take offense. 1. Never be too clingy or extra needy 2. Men go nuts for confident women 3. Men don't commit to girls who r easy, so don't give it up too quickly. 4. On the other hand, they won't want to wait 4ever either. 5. Good hygene is key 6. Just act like ur the ish and u don't need them and they will be falling all over u. A lot of these weirdos r turned on by rejection. Lol! Lastly, try to avoid all players, losers and bad boys who r not interested in making u their girlfriend and only want to get into ur pants. Good luck!

 

[Maracujá]

Don't feel bad OP, I'm 25 years old too and have never been in a real commited relationship and the one and only relationship I can reference to was just , I explained it all here: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=11901069&postcount=16

At the end of last year I was so looking for a relationship and started dating this guy I had known for three years, he asked me to borrow him money and then disappeared. As I started to think about my "relationships" with men I realised that it is time that I raise my standards and be clear about what it is that I expect from a man (like the ladies here have mentioned). I am no longer looking for a relationship right now, if it happens it happens, if not I'll be ok.

 

[kaynewme]

Best of luck. Don't settle for anything or anyone. I will be 26 in a couple weeks. I really havent been in a true relationship.

 

[WakandanPrincess]

Okay so this is pretty hard to determine without knowing you but here's my take from what you've said thus far:

- I've heard that DC is a particularly difficult dating field from a multitude of BW. Not sure what it stems from but it doesn't seem to be changing. Any chance you're open to moving? Maybe a little further north?

- You said in your response to an earlier post that you "make it a point" to tell men that you are "not looking for a sponsor" and you can "do it on your own." This stuck out to me, I don't think that's the way to go. I used to think like that and eventually realized its flawed thinking.

a) Men like to feel needed by their women, they like to feel like they're providers even if you don't need him to do certain things, oftentimes it's important to let him "fix the sink" to let him feel like an alpha male. Thats one of the lessons my mom taught me through action and words with my dad growing up. So making statements like that may be off-putting to a man and make him back away.
​

b) What if he would enjoy treating you to things? What if he thinks a fun date would be to take you shopping and watch how pretty you'd look in 10 new outfits from bloomingdales? Then finish off with dinner. Why not? I have a cousin who's boyfriend paid her entire undergrad tuition, paid her cell phone bill since they began seeing eachother, pays for her Internet in her house and randomly gives her $3 - 500 to "do whatever". My older brother is the type that when he saw his ex was really into the new iphone 3G he bought it for her and even paid her bill for 2yrs there (did the same for me just because). Some men are like that, and just like to be in the position to provide that for their GF.
​

- Now onto the sex thing.

How long does it usually take you to "feel comfortable" enough to have sex?

Also you mentioned you immediately cut off any guy that pressures you for sex. I'm actually not sure about that either. I think the vast majority of men will try to get it in....to me it's how they go about it makes a difference. If he's a complete jerk about it then yea, that's a character flaw, but if he sorta tries but you politely put the kibosh and he then "acts right" then that means that you can establish yourself as a different caliber of woman then he's used to dealing with and you can build something.



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I should have worded that differently. I meant to say that I cut off those guys that pressure me on the first date to come over afterwards, or want me to come over to their place for cuddling. We both know that cuddling is not what you want. Those were the scenarios that I was reffering to.

My immediate reaction was the location factor. DC is like Atlanta, there's more BW than BM, especially educated ones which makes it very hard for dating. If moving isn't an option, would you consider dating interracially?

I have thought about it, but I don't think I can do it. I've only been attracted to black men.

What stood out to me in your posts OP is that you said you go into dating with "no expectations." You attract what you subconsciously put out there. You should expect to date someone and if there is a mutual attraction and good foundation for it to progress to a relationship.

My advice to you is:
1. Do not stop dating other people until you are in a relationship. It's not clear to me if you were seeing other guys while dating the previous dude for 6 months, but I assume you were not.

Anyways, be unavailable certain days with no rhyme or reason...Even if you're not dating anyone else, let him think someone else is vying for your attention.
2. Do not do "girlfriend"-ish things with men who aren't your boyfriend. To me that means, cooking for him more than once or twice a month, sacrificing your plans with your girlfriends to chill with him, not going on dates at least every other time or every 1 out of 3 times you see each other, etc. Do not introduce these men to your friends or family members. He needs to realize his place.

If you are having sex, keep booty call type romps to a minimum. And sorry to take it there, don't show all your best and nastiest bedroom tricks in the beginning. Also, avoid languishing at his place or having him posted up in yours over the weekend. Ok, to do it once in a while, but in general, avoid creating this quasi relationship when you two have never discussed anything.

3. I'd say around 2.5 - 3 months of dating, start feeling out when to broach the "So what are we?" talk. Ideally, he'll bring it up first, but if not, you can steer the conversation that way.

4. Like it has already been said, run far away from any man that tells you dead in your face that he does not want a relationship. No matter what he does, even if he introduces you to his mama, he may never change his mind. Don't waste your time.

Good luck.

THank you so much for this!

Have reasonably high expectations and stop being the homegirl.

How do I go about not being the homegirl? I like sports, activities, etc. I didn't know that liking all of those things put me in the homegirl catagory. When I attempt to be girly, then I', labeled as stuck up. I can't win it seems.

 

[Menina Preta]

THank you so much for this!

How do I go about not being the homegirl? I like sports, activities, etc. I didn't know that liking all of those things put me in the homegirl catagory. When I attempt to be girly, then I', labeled as stuck up. I can't win it seems.

No prob!

I've never had the issue of being the "homegirl." To me though, perhaps always maintain a level of playful flirting with guys you're interested in? Liking sports and activities is great, but if you're walking around in b-ball shorts, dapping dudes up, and saying "mah Negro, what's poppin'?" or any guy-ish sayings, then cut it out, LOL.

Just dressing femininely and being your best, sexy, but classy self should eliminate being placed in the homegirl category.