Are you 25 years old or older and have NEVER been in a relationship?

[Bunny77]

Hey Celina. I really appreciate your honesty.

Have you considered any kind of talk therapy? I don't think there is anything wrong with you (shyness/introversion is not a flaw, in my opinion), but it might be helpful to have someone help you work through whatever might be blocking you from having a healthy relationship... or at least just dating!

Maybe a dating coach too?

 

[VelvetRain]

I can relate a bit. Sometimes I feel like I am a teenager stuck in an an adults body because I haven't had half of the experiences an average 34 year old woman has had. I have only had one serious relationship and never dated in my twenties or had real boyfriends.

 

[lushcoils]

The Single and Mingle thread could help.

 

[CarLiTa]

On the other hand, it eventually becomes unproductive to continue talking about all the heartache and heartbreak that you saved yourself from by not having a relationship. I think the poster YankeeCandle made an excellent post about this in a different thread. Yes, there are negatives to relationships (break ups, etc.), but by not having any, you also miss out on the opportunity to love, to be loved, to care for another person, to learn how to "relate" to someone on a level completely different from the level in which you'd relate to a good friend or a family member. These are important personal developments that we should experience, and I can see something "missing" when I meet older people who've spent their lives without having been in serious romantic relationships. There is an emotional immaturity there that I can't quite describe, but I know it when I see it.

I was coming in to state this, but I see Bunny already did

"It's in the valleys that we grow"-- while I don't entirely agree with that statement (we grow on hilltops as well), not being in relationships leads us to miss out on some personal development. At 21, I do occasionally see behaviors in women who haven't dated that show that they lack some emotional maturity. It is a... selfishness of some sorts, and they usually aren't aware of it (so it seems). Heck, I was one of those people (really trying to break out of that). I learned a LOT about opening up to people by being in a relationship.

I really don't think that if I were 28 and acting like I was acting 2 years ago, that a man my age or older would have dealt with my downright RELUCTANCE to open up emotionally, my emotional coldness, my shyness to show romantic affection

Glad I learned those lessons early on
Starting "later" won't mean that you will somehow already know how to be in a relationship once you do get in one. If anything you might be more set in your ways and be unable to share your emotional/physical space with someone, and that will hurt a good relationship.

See this article:

http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/09/why-its-important-to-have-dating.html

 

[aribell]

I have mixed feelings on this subject. On the one hand, "relationships" are the way we do things--so a deviation from that norm is generally an indication of something. On the other, as it was mentioned upthread, just hanging out and sleeping together isn't really beneficial... Nor am I sure that I see the longterm value of having multiple serious relationships--though I suppose the "multiple" part isn't really what the op is talking about.

For some reason, I liken it to women who simply feel like they should have lost their virginity by now. If you do it just to have done it, then what? You have the experience, but has it necessarily made you better or improved your life? I guess it gives you street-cred socially... Is that what the issue is about, having the confidence to stand amongst one's peers and say "I'm like you and can and have done what you do?"

There's a difference between someone feeling wierd simply because they're different, and feeling wierd because something internally is barring them from being able to feel and experience what other people are feeling and experiencing--something that they themselves want to experience. Sometimes after reflection, you can realize that just accepting that you're different can alleviate a lot of internal confusion and questioning.

In any event, self-deprecation is not helpful, but rather be stalwartly loyal to yourself and your own good and don't judge yourself. In the grand scheme of things, there are a lot worse things to be than single with no relationship experience. It may be something to change, but it's not a failure. Everyone has something that they need to deal with.

Kind of rambling, sorry...

 

[jupitermoon]

Hey Celina. I really appreciate your honesty.

Have you considered any kind of talk therapy? I don't think there is anything wrong with you (shyness/introversion is not a flaw, in my opinion), but it might be helpful to have someone help you work through whatever might be blocking you from having a healthy relationship... or at least just dating!

Maybe a dating coach too?

I may do this. I think my issue is being too shy and too skeptical; I just have a hard time believing that any one will ever like me. I'm sure this makes me appear unfriendly to guys. I've noticed that behavior that women interpret as shy such as lack of eye contact and being quiet are often misinterpreted as being rude and mean by men. I can only imagine what type of vibes I'm putting out.

I have mixed feelings on this subject. On the one hand, "relationships" are the way we do things--so a deviation from that norm is generally an indication of something. On the other, as it was mentioned upthread, just hanging out and sleeping together isn't really beneficial... Nor am I sure that I see the longterm value of having multiple serious relationships--though I suppose the "multiple" part isn't really what the op is talking about.

For some reason, I liken it to women who simply feel like they should have lost their virginity by now. If you do it just to have done it, then what? You have the experience, but has it necessarily made you better or improved your life? I guess it gives you street-cred socially... Is that what the issue is about, having the confidence to stand amongst one's peers and say "I'm like you and can and have done what you do?"

There's a difference between someone feeling wierd simply because they're different, and feeling wierd because something internally is barring them from being able to feel and experience what other people are feeling and experiencing--something that they themselves want to experience. Sometimes after reflection, you can realize that just accepting that you're different can alleviate a lot of internal confusion and questioning.

In any event, self-deprecation is not helpful, but rather be stalwartly loyal to yourself and your own good and don't judge yourself. In the grand scheme of things, there are a lot worse things to be than single with no relationship experience. It may be something to change, but it's not a failure. Everyone has something that they need to deal with.

Kind of rambling, sorry...

You bring up very good points. I especially agree with the bolded. I won't lie, I do feel pressure from society to get into a relationship just so that I can be like everyone else. I want street cred and experience like everyone else. It's like I didn't fit in while growing up, but I want to fit in and be "normal" now.

 

[awhyley]

^^^ Don't try to be normal at your own expense. You first need to discover what qualities you can bring to a relationship and what qualities you want a potential mate/companion to bring the relationship. Dating just to say that you're dating is not all it's cracked up to be. I understand the urgency/craving for normal because of feeling like a square peg in a round hole during your youth, but don't jump into something like this just to get society's nod of approval.

ETA - Afterthought: Are you worried that your future dates will think that you're weird for not having relationship experience, think that something is wrong with you and not want to continue the relationship?

 

[Bunny77]

I do go out (not often though), but I really don't know how to act around guys (and don't think most are interested in me)

.

I may do this. I think my issue is being too shy and too skeptical; I just have a hard time believing that any one will ever like me. I'm sure this makes me appear unfriendly to guys. I've noticed that behavior that women interpret as shy such as lack of eye contact and being quiet are often misinterpreted as being rude and mean by men. I can only imagine what type of vibes I'm putting out.

Okay, now that I'm reading more, I don't think shyness is the problem at all here. The bolded sounds like a self-esteem issue. I had a friend (well still do ) who thought like this... she just did the opposite of you and would get with any halfway decent guy who was nice to her because she felt that was the best she could get... and that she'd have to "trick" a better quality man into liking her and she just didn't want to be bothered.

So, she ended up with two longer-term relationships. She eventually started examining her flawed mindset and is currently single now. But, I don't know if it was all that beneficial for her to spend most of her 20s in two somewhat long relationships with less-than-quality men. These were not terrible guys -- just the kind that were "nice," yet a bit lazy and unmotivated.


Whether you do what she did (settling for anyone who likes you and staying for multiple years) or what you're doing (avoiding men because you are scared they won't like you), the outcome is not a good one. Plus, you did mention that you might just take the first one that comes along, which is kind of what my friend did.

I would suggest some therapy on this issue, because just going out more or dating online is probably going to just be a band-aid on the wound here. You could be swimming in a pool of quality men, but if you don't allow yourself to open up to them, then their presence is irrelevant.

 

[Bunny77]

I have mixed feelings on this subject. On the one hand, "relationships" are the way we do things--so a deviation from that norm is generally an indication of something. On the other, as it was mentioned upthread, just hanging out and sleeping together isn't really beneficial... Nor am I sure that I see the longterm value of having multiple serious relationships--though I suppose the "multiple" part isn't really what the op is talking about.

Right. I agree with this... and in a way, I do think that "multiple" can be part of what the OP is saying. I think Celina mentioned that she sees 18-19 year olds with more experience than she has, and I bet some of those 18-19-year-olds will say they've had multiple boyfriends.

But again, I'm wondering exactly WHAT kind of experience we're talking about here? I mean, just look at this board... reading some of the stories from 18-24-year-old posters talking about trying to move out of their older boyfriend's apartment without getting caught, talking about moving in their mama's basement with their boyfriends, having boyfriends dog them out about not being able to have kids (and why they trying to have kids anyway???), saying they've had a boyfriend for a year and have never been on a date... I mean, is THIS the kind of relationship "experience" that we're holding up as a standard?

(I know I just brought back up a whole lot of people's business here )

But my point is, as crazy as some of those stories were, they aren't far off from what I'm hearing young women go through in real life... and at the end of the day, many of those women who had these types of relationships as teens/early 20-somethings were just as unmarried as I was at 26. So... if we're talking about getting relationship experience (which I DO think is important)... I hope we're talking about QUALITY relationship experience!

I don't see it as a badge of honor or maturity to say you've had X number of serious relationships by the time you're 25 and yet, here you are, still single and looking like everyone else!


On a different note... I mentioned earlier that I think shyness gets a bad rap sometimes. I know plenty of shy women and introverts (heck, I AM an introvert... I'm an INTJ) who find good partners, get in relationships and get married. I think we like to believe that these uber-aggressive extroverted women just go out and grab a man and that's that. Sure, some do (I can think of a few on this board ), but some of those women too are still going to Grown and Sexy Night at the Upscale Black People Lounge well into their 30s trying to find someone.

I don't think one has to change her essential essence to end up with a good partner. But if there is another issue that's lurking below the surface (fear, low self-esteem, crippling shyness, anxiety, etc.), then that should be addressed.

 

[Strangefruittree]

The only thing that having realtionships in my teens and early 20s did was validate the fact that i needed to become more comfortable with myself and develop a back bone, for real, especially since i had a tendency to favor older men. The heart ache comes both from infidelity, abuse verbal and physical and the heart ache not feeling like you have control over your life or it some how is not yours anymore... I had to fall back. I mean, the manchildren around to relate with in my school, work, neighborhood- were not overly abundant in the first place (10 girls to every 1 guy in school, I worked with my father and his peers, and the bums in front of the bodega were not a serious option). The mentality of the relationships during that time did mostly mean lamping at some apartment playing video games, maybe a block buster movie and a pizza if im lucky, you know.... the one relationship i referred to in a previous post was alot more than that but still lacking in the emotional intimacy area, which is what i think caused the out bursts and eventual break up. Because this is what most men offered ME when trying to relate with ME... I found that the common denominator was ME... How can I expect more when I have never given my self more, and ... more of what...
I started this thing on taking me out on dates and finding out what I like to do... so that when I am proposed some nonsense, which might just be all that that person knows, I have something better to counter. Doing that I am developing this whole other aspect of myself that I did not even know could exist. Which has led me to wonder, if I stayed in a relationship for the sake of being in one, would it have stifled my growth. I am now more concern, as far as relationships are concerned, with finding a person to grow and live with. And i recognize and accept that I am not compatible with everyone. Working on me is hard work, so I will not easily share my life with just any old one, nor do i expect a man on a white horse to find me somewhere... I'm at the gym, I'm at the farmer's markets, Im at the concerts, on the hiking trails, in classes, at work.... A person with an equally full life will eventually cross my path, if not God blessed me with being able to find happiness in myself and my current relationships with family friends and associates... This digital world is a weird conundrum, it opens our world to so many yet keeps you in a bubble somehow...

All that to say, not being in a relationship allows me to make room for the right relationship and I use the time of being single to prepare myself for my future self and the man who is a right match for that.... (which seems to be working... because the cutie with the dreads at the gym who has been eyeballin, has finally opened his mouth and said "how u doin" lol... I will keep you posted on that one, right now I just like to look at him)

 

[Kiadodie]

Okay, got lots of thoughts here...

I was 20 when I got in my first relationship, so I guess I don't fit here... but I have a lot of friends in this situation and I was probably on my way to it as well. I kind of made myself get a boyfriend as a junior in college. I did care about him a lot, but there was a lot of drama surrounding the situation that probably would have made me pass him up 9 times out of 10... but back then, I figured it was time to have a relationship, so I gave it a go.


Anyway, I think this situation is becoming a lot more common. Because we no longer live in a society in which women (even the shy ones) would meet a nice shy boy at school or church and could still end up with a partner, you now have situations where women who are shy/studious or just focused on education/career can end up approaching their 30s without being in a relationship.

On one hand, I think it's GREAT that these women avoided the ridiculousness of high school relationships. I don't mean just the heartbreak -- I mean the fact that these 18-19-year-olds these days really don't have all that much RELATIONSHIP experience. From what I hear, most of these girls might have had a "boyfriend" for a few years, but have no idea what it means to go on a date and be courted. They just hang out at someone's dorm/house/apartment and have sex. Shoot, I hear a lot of college "relationship" are like this these days... again, that's not the experience I find all that valuable... this is why you've got women in their 30s (sometimes with kids) who haven't experienced a relationship in which they are pursued and courted!

On the other hand, it eventually becomes unproductive to continue talking about all the heartache and heartbreak that you saved yourself from by not having a relationship. I think the poster YankeeCandle made an excellent post about this in a different thread. Yes, there are negatives to relationships (break ups, etc.), but by not having any, you also miss out on the opportunity to love, to be loved, to care for another person, to learn how to "relate" to someone on a level completely different from the level in which you'd relate to a good friend or a family member. These are important personal developments that we should experience, and I can see something "missing" when I meet older people who've spent their lives without having been in serious romantic relationships. There is an emotional immaturity there that I can't quite describe, but I know it when I see it.

(I'm talking about 35+ here, btw).

Now, I do think that if you are at least dating -- even if you have not been in a serious relationship -- that does help quite a bit in one's relational development. It is harder to get into quality relationships these days, so sometimes, one's lack of GOOD relationship experience is just the sign of the times.

Or, it could be the sign of something that one needs to work on internally. That's what the person needs to figure out.

I so agree with the whole posted, especially the bolded becasue it rings true to me and my life. I'm 38 and I'm just starting to open up and really want to love and be loved. I went most of my life being in and out of relationships but they weren't really good relationshiops or relationships that I grew emotionally in.
So I saw the pattern about 3 years ago and did internal work (prayer, reading bible, reading self hellp books & therapy) and finally I'm in a place where I'm ready to love and be loved. I wasn't ready before now. I had to get to a place where I loved myself and learning new ways of living and expressing myself which I never could do before due to not having had a healthy environment at home in my childhood that helped me be me and express my feelings. But now I'm doing so and I'm ready.
So what I'm saying is, if you really want to be married, do the work internally first because there may be things that you are not aware of that's blocking it from coming into your life.

 

[mnemosyne]

I wasn't in a real relationship till I hit 25. I wasn't in a relationship of any sort till I hit 21. It's not a bad thing. Don't attribute not being in a relationship to God's plan for you. You wouldn't tell a woman who has fertility issues that God didn't want her to have a baby, would you?

 

[Kiadodie]

I may do this. I think my issue is being too shy and too skeptical; I just have a hard time believing that any one will ever like me. I'm sure this makes me appear unfriendly to guys. I've noticed that behavior that women interpret as shy such as lack of eye contact and being quiet are often misinterpreted as being rude and mean by men. I can only imagine what type of vibes I'm putting out.

I just read this post by you. This says it all IMO. I used to feel that way and that's mainly the reason why you haven't been in any relationships just like me. Explore why you feel this way and where it's coming from. I suggest you get therapy. Your insurance can even pay for it. It did wonders for me and I was in your boat and believe me, its NEVER too late.

 

[lushcoils]

I just have a hard time believing that any one will ever like me.

This part stood out to me as well. It's not that I don't like myself. I love myself, and think I have a lot to offer. But I don't attract men like my friends do, or most normal women do. I try not to think about it too much, but it has me worried a bit...how am I going to find love if men aren't attracted to me?

 

[DarkChyld]

I'm 26 and have never been in a relationship. I've dated. I know all of the reasons why I'm not in a relationship. At one time, it was something that consumed me because I thought I wasn't worthy. I just accept that being in a relationship at this point of confusion in my life is not part of God's plan for me. I mean, it's not all on God. A lot of it has to do with me: shyness being the main one; the fact that I attended an all girl school for 8 years (during the formative years); socially speaking, I have issues; I'm kinda fat right now but working on it; self esteem. So I know for me a relationship is not in the cards right now but perhaps with some self work, I'll be ready. I do feel that invisible pressure from time to time, with friends and cousins having babies and getting hitched.
Right now, being single is my blessing. I keep looking at my friends and family in relationships and I don't know if I could put up with as much stuff as they put up with. I guess I'm selfish because I want to have me all to myself.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I am 31 and have dated, but no serious relationships. If it is odd or not, its up to you to discern. I spend my time focusing on things I can do to make me and my situation better. Learning to fix my car to where I can complete repairs on my own and being involved with things that are creative in nature. Taking the time out to help others is important as to not be too self absorbed. That being said, I am being honest with myself that I don't want to change, and I have to live with the consequences of that. I haven't met any human being that I am willing to go out on a limb for. However, I am genuinely happy for those who do and those who want to put themselves out there. Helps reassure me that not everyone out here is a complete waste of space. In weighing the pros and cons -- for me -- really isn't worth it.

 

[jupitermoon]

ETA - Afterthought: Are you worried that your future dates will think that you're weird for not having relationship experience, think that something is wrong with you and not want to continue the relationship?

Yes. I do think men are reluctant to form relationships with women that have never been with anyone. Plus, like someone already mentioned in this thread, being in a relationship with someone that has never been in one is different. I can see why some men would rather not deal with a newbie and would perfer someone with more life experience.

Right. I agree with this... and in a way, I do think that "multiple" can be part of what the OP is saying. I think Celina mentioned that she sees 18-19 year olds with more experience than she has, and I bet some of those 18-19-year-olds will say they've had multiple boyfriends.

But again, I'm wondering exactly WHAT kind of experience we're talking about here? I mean, just look at this board... reading some of the stories from 18-24-year-old posters talking about trying to move out of their older boyfriend's apartment without getting caught, talking about moving in their mama's basement with their boyfriends, having boyfriends dog them out about not being able to have kids (and why they trying to have kids anyway???), saying they've had a boyfriend for a year and have never been on a date... I mean, is THIS the kind of relationship "experience" that we're holding up as a standard?

(I know I just brought back up a whole lot of people's business here )

But my point is, as crazy as some of those stories were, they aren't far off from what I'm hearing young women go through in real life... and at the end of the day, many of those women who had these types of relationships as teens/early 20-somethings were just as unmarried as I was at 26. So... if we're talking about getting relationship experience (which I DO think is important)... I hope we're talking about QUALITY relationship experience!

I don't see it as a badge of honor or maturity to say you've had X number of serious relationships by the time you're 25 and yet, here you are, still single and looking like everyone else!


On a different note... I mentioned earlier that I think shyness gets a bad rap sometimes. I know plenty of shy women and introverts (heck, I AM an introvert... I'm an INTJ) who find good partners, get in relationships and get married. I think we like to believe that these uber-aggressive extroverted women just go out and grab a man and that's that. Sure, some do (I can think of a few on this board ), but some of those women too are still going to Grown and Sexy Night at the Upscale Black People Lounge well into their 30s trying to find someone.

I don't think one has to change her essential essence to end up with a good partner. But if there is another issue that's lurking below the surface (fear, low self-esteem, crippling shyness, anxiety, etc.), then that should be addressed.

I agree. I know women that have kids (some by different men) and have slept with plenty of men but have still never been in actual relationships.

Hey, I'm an INFJ! I agree with the introverted part. I see shy/introverted women with men all the time. I agree that my issue is more self esteem and I know where it comes from...

This part stood out to me as well. It's not that I don't like myself. I love myself, and think I have a lot to offer. But I don't attract men like my friends do, or most normal women do. I try not to think about it too much, but it has me worried a bit...how am I going to find love if men aren't attracted to me?

Sometimes, I attract men but never good ones. The most common man that I attract is the "Baby, can you come over to my crib tonight so that we kick it together"?<---Men, that just want sex. I kind of think that women that manage to find men that are willing to form relationships and marry them are lucky. Actually, some of the stories I read on these message boards about these "perfect", caring men seems surreal.

I know so many women that just have sex based relationships with guys. They have the guys' children, but the men still won't commit and quite often these men don't have jobs and have nothing to offer.

Recently, one of my friends was telling me how good her man is. She's in her late 20s and her man is in his early 40s. This man doesn't have a job and can't afford to pay child support for their children either. Due to health issues, she only works part time. They're pretty much living in poverty. The man did offer to marry her though. Now, I can easily find men like this to marry me (I think), but that isn't the lifestyle I want.

Most of the good men are taken, extremely hard to get (you must be a dime to get one), or just aren't into me.

 

[Love Always]

Be encouraged Celina, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying in your post. I believe there is someone out there for you. I was a little taken back by the bolded though, do you really believe that? I know that I could of said this many years ago but today is a different story . I had a lot of self esteem issues while I was growing up but I had to learn to truly accept and love myself for who I am. I'm not saying that this is the case for you but I hate that you feel this way . Also, do you think location is a factor in which you're not meeting quality men?

Most of the good men are taken, extremely hard to get (you must be a dime to get one), or just aren't into me.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

This part stood out to me as well. It's not that I don't like myself. I love myself, and think I have a lot to offer. But I don't attract men like my friends do, or most normal women do. I try not to think about it too much, but it has me worried a bit...how am I going to find love if men aren't attracted to me?

I am sure you attract men but maybe not the ones you are attracted too. I know that sounds foolish but it is true. At times I may be checking a guy but he is not checking for me and it hurts a little but sometimes someone is checking you out and you don't notice. I think you might want to be more social and friendly if you are not and kind of put yourself out there. I know many girls who are not attractive but have attractive personalities and they have some of the most handsome men on their arms.

Btw I had my first relationship at 22 and I am 30 now and I have only had one real love. I am not married now but I still have some hope. A good man may come around when you least expect it.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Confidence is one of the most attractive attributes a women can possess. Not cockyness but knowing you look good and are a catch and not giving a damn what anyone thinks. Trust me men are like dogs they sense how a women feels about her self, they smell low self-esteem when you walk in a room and they also know when a women is confident.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I have mixed feelings on this subject. On the one hand, "relationships" are the way we do things--so a deviation from that norm is generally an indication of something. On the other, as it was mentioned upthread, just hanging out and sleeping together isn't really beneficial... Nor am I sure that I see the longterm value of having multiple serious relationships--though I suppose the "multiple" part isn't really what the op is talking about.

For some reason, I liken it to women who simply feel like they should have lost their virginity by now. If you do it just to have done it, then what? You have the experience, but has it necessarily made you better or improved your life? I guess it gives you street-cred socially... Is that what the issue is about, having the confidence to stand amongst one's peers and say "I'm like you and can and have done what you do?"

There's a difference between someone feeling wierd simply because they're different, and feeling wierd because something internally is barring them from being able to feel and experience what other people are feeling and experiencing--something that they themselves want to experience. Sometimes after reflection, you can realize that just accepting that you're different can alleviate a lot of internal confusion and questioning.

In any event, self-deprecation is not helpful, but rather be stalwartly loyal to yourself and your own good and don't judge yourself. In the grand scheme of things, there are a lot worse things to be than single with no relationship experience. It may be something to change, but it's not a failure. Everyone has something that they need to deal with.

Kind of rambling, sorry...

Excellent post. Couldn't have said it better myself.


Don't try to settle or force yourself into a relationship that you don't want simply because you want some "experience". You can really hurt some people's hearts that way. I'll never forget years ago when my mom kept trying to pressure me to date this guy that I was NOT interested in or attracted to in the LEAST! She kept telling me: "Oh, but it'll give you some great experience dating a man, and you can get a free meal out of it....blah blah blah" I looked at her like she was crazy! Are you kidding me?? I am NOT that desperate for a meal that I will go out with a guy who I know is interested and play him for a fool! No way! That would only feed his attraction. It would be like living a lie.



One thing I'd like to add to this thread however is that I'm not sure I completely agree with the assumption that all or most singles over the age of 25 who have never been in a relationship are somehow "emotionally crippled" or "super selfish". I don't believe that. I think as long as you are socially engaging, have a life, and have FRIENDS (guys AND girls), then you've probably already learned how to be emotionally mature, socially engaging, and compromising. Especially if you grew up in a family household where you had siblings, etc. So I don't think this "one-size-fits-all" mentality can be attributed to ALL single individuals over the age of 25.

Besides, I've known of farrrr too many women (AND men!) who were selfish even though they had relationships since they were 17!! Some people are just selfish by nature period!

Okay...I'm off my soapbox now.

 

[Br*nzeb*mbsh~ll]

Good thread.

I was single alot growing up. I refused to date just to have someone on my arm. I'd rather be single. I enjoyed my own company. I even was accused of being gay because there were so many guys after me and I just wasn't interested. Sure, I was lonesome at times, but I knew I was saving myself a lot of angst and pain. I know I was the oldest, last american virgin, and I was okay with it.

Now, my older sis and mom, tries to make fun of my choices and say that I would fall in love to easily, too quickly. Okay, so like, why is that a bad thing? When I would find someone that I wanted to be with, then I really liked them. I liked them A LOT!

Why do they try and put me down like it was a bad thing? I didn't sleep with anyone. I maintained my virtue. Just yesterday my sister mentioned that she and my mom discussed this and laughed like it was a great big joke. A few of my neices seem to be emulating me...So, I guess my mom and sis would rather them have a different man a week? Have a lot of 'friends with benefits,' i guess... Just to say they aren't 'in love' with the first person they meet?

Sheesh.

 

[afrikurl]

I had never had a relationship until I was 21. By then I felt like I was a late bloomer and had no idea how to interact with guys. I wanted a relationship but was not clear on how to get one. I made a resolution to be more open and friendly, to be my true self (and not like some giddy teen) when men came around. Afew months later, I met a great guy. He wanted to persue a relationship and we got married about a year and a half later. We've been married for 5 1/2 yrs now.

I mention this because if you want a relationship and have not had one. I think you should evaluate why. Even if the truth is painful.(It was for me) If you are content with your current situation or don't have the time or energy for healthy relationships, when you are ready it will come.

 

[redecouvert]

I am 28 going 29 and have never had a relationship. I don't see a problem with it b/c I believe there is a time for everything. I've just been working on me and being happy by myself

 

[lisatamika]

I don't think 25 is too old at all to have not been in a relationship. On the other hand, I have a friend who is 38 and has never been in one.

 

[awhyley]

I think 25 is too old at all to have not been in a relationship. On the other hand, I have a friend who is 38 and has never been in one.

Why is 25 too old for a serious relationship? Most people graduate from college and start their entry level jobs around that age. And sadly, many people begin their 'starter' marriages around that age. I say starter because many people who divorce in their mid-twenties/early thirties say that they weren't ready for that level of commitment. Are you sure about your friend though? 38 is kinda advanced.

Now, my older sis and mom, tries to make fun of my choices and say that I would fall in love to easily, too quickly. Okay, so like, why is that a bad thing? When I would find someone that I wanted to be with, then I really liked them. I liked them A LOT!

They're totally talking smack by contradicting themselves. If you fell in love too easily, you'd have tons of boyfriends in your life, rather than the opposite. Thank goodness you have strength of character not to let them bother you, cause familial pressure is the worst kind.

Why do they try and put me down like it was a bad thing? I didn't sleep with anyone. I maintained my virtue. Just yesterday my sister mentioned that she and my mom discussed this and laughed like it was a great big joke. A few of my neices seem to be emulating me...So, I guess my mom and sis would rather them have a different man a week? Have a lot of 'friends with benefits,' i guess... Just to say they aren't 'in love' with the first person they meet?

Hate to say it, but they sound envious, because your (sensible) nieces are not seeing the 'value' of their mindset. They should be thankful that they're related to women to enjoy their own company and aren't always looking for validation from a man, but instead they mock what they don't understand.

 

[lisatamika]

Why is 25 too old for a serious relationship? Most people graduate from college and start their entry level jobs around that age. And sadly, many people begin their 'starter' marriages around that age. I say starter because many people who divorce in their mid-twenties/early thirties say that they weren't ready for that level of commitment. Are you sure about your friend though? 38 is kinda advanced.

My bad. I was late when I was posting this I meant I don't think it's too old. ITA with what you're saying.

I am very sure about my friend though and yes, 38 is very advanced. She's just a really negative person most times, has a bad attitude about a lot of things and puts a lot of energy into dudes who don't give a damn about her.

I have another friend though who is 36. She's not married, but wants to be. She's had relationships, but just hasn't found the right one. Gorgeous woman and she has herself together, she just wants what she wants and hasn't found it yet.

 

[Mis007]

Right. I agree with this... and in a way, I do think that "multiple" can be part of what the OP is saying. I think Celina mentioned that she sees 18-19 year olds with more experience than she has, and I bet some of those 18-19-year-olds will say they've had multiple boyfriends.

But again, I'm wondering exactly WHAT kind of experience we're talking about here? I mean, just look at this board... reading some of the stories from 18-24-year-old posters talking about trying to move out of their older boyfriend's apartment without getting caught, talking about moving in their mama's basement with their boyfriends, having boyfriends dog them out about not being able to have kids (and why they trying to have kids anyway???), saying they've had a boyfriend for a year and have never been on a date... I mean, is THIS the kind of relationship "experience" that we're holding up as a standard?

(I know I just brought back up a whole lot of people's business here )

But my point is, as crazy as some of those stories were, they aren't far off from what I'm hearing young women go through in real life... and at the end of the day, many of those women who had these types of relationships as teens/early 20-somethings were just as unmarried as I was at 26. So... if we're talking about getting relationship experience (which I DO think is important)... I hope we're talking about QUALITY relationship experience!

I don't see it as a badge of honor or maturity to say you've had X number of serious relationships by the time you're 25 and yet, here you are, still single and looking like everyone else!


On a different note... I mentioned earlier that I think shyness gets a bad rap sometimes. I know plenty of shy women and introverts (heck, I AM an introvert... I'm an INTJ) who find good partners, get in relationships and get married. I think we like to believe that these uber-aggressive extroverted women just go out and grab a man and that's that. Sure, some do (I can think of a few on this board ), but some of those women too are still going to Grown and Sexy Night at the Upscale Black People Lounge well into their 30s trying to find someone.

I don't think one has to change her essential essence to end up with a good partner. But if there is another issue that's lurking below the surface (fear, low self-esteem, crippling shyness, anxiety, etc.), then that should be addressed.

The bolded was my thoughts when reading the thread, l agree to an extent what others have said about the importance of understanding the mechanics of romantic bonding but tbh I don't think that there is a time scale, furthermore we all develop at different stages.

 

[lolascurls]

Excellent post. Couldn't have said it better myself.


Don't try to settle or force yourself into a relationship that you don't want simply because you want some "experience". You can really hurt some people's hearts that way. I'll never forget years ago when my mom kept trying to pressure me to date this guy that I was NOT interested in or attracted to in the LEAST! She kept telling me: "Oh, but it'll give you some great experience dating a man, and you can get a free meal out of it....blah blah blah" I looked at her like she was crazy! Are you kidding me?? I am NOT that desperate for a meal that I will go out with a guy who I know is interested and play him for a fool! No way! That would only feed his attraction. It would be like living a lie.



One thing I'd like to add to this thread however is that I'm not sure I completely agree with the assumption that all or most singles over the age of 25 who have never been in a relationship are somehow "emotionally crippled" or "super selfish". I don't believe that. I think as long as you are socially engaging, have a life, and have FRIENDS (guys AND girls), then you've probably already learned how to be emotionally mature, socially engaging, and compromising. Especially if you grew up in a family household where you had siblings, etc. So I don't think this "one-size-fits-all" mentality can be attributed to ALL single individuals over the age of 25.

Besides, I've known of farrrr too many women (AND men!) who were selfish even though they had relationships since they were 17!! Some people are just selfish by nature period!

Okay...I'm off my soapbox now.

I totally agree with the bolded above (and all of the rest unbolded)

I'm 25 and have never been in a relationship but I am a mature, professional who is socially engaging, I have plenty of friends (male and female) and I know what I want in a future SO. I grew up in both Africa and the UK. My teens in the UK showed me what I DON'T want to be in just ANY relationship just to fit in.
A friend once told me my standards were "too high" as a teen but since I want to remain "pure" till marriage, I knew I had to set limits on myself (a bit grown up for a 14 yr old but still - lol!)
The above friend proved my point of not throwing yourself into relationships just so you won't be alone. She had several long-term relationships with people she ADMITS were not going anywhere serious (like marriage). I used to be shy as a child but at 13 I decided to be friendly even when I felt myself drawing away, as it would also make the other person more comfortable.

I don't believe it is God's will for any to be alone. At the right time it WILL happen! You must keep affirming to yourself that you are lovely and lovable and smile often. Keep your head up and your heart open.
It will happen. You are not weird!
(sorry for the long winded response).

 

[belldandy]

This thread is for you to share your views and experiences. I wonder how common is this?

My views (un-pc...):

I have never been in a relationship with anyone and I think this is so weird and abnormal. There are 18/19 year olds with more relationship experience than me. Because of this I sometimes I feel like a big 'ole kid and not quite "normal" like other women.

I'm starting to believe that perhaps god wants some of us to remain single? It is our fate?

Consider yourself lucky.

I started dating when I was 20 and its been emotional anguish every since, the depths of which I would never wish on my worse enemy.

I am 25 now. I have had 2 relationships, both abusive.

Maybe my calling is different as well.