I want to done with the chains of bondage. Now knowing what they are I want to be free. I want to not give into things that aren't holy. I want to be great for God and God alone. Freedom Lord is what I desire. But I know I must trust you and you alone.
I so can identify with you . I can't tell you what to do, but for me it took recognizing the fact that I was the problem. It wasn't my past, it wasn't my trials and tests, it wasn't other people's cause and effect. It was me. A Christian friend of mine would get so fed up talking to me because she could see that I was a saved unbeliever. She agreed that I knew the Word, but I didn't believe it. I wanted to. I desired to, but I had doubt. I questioned everything and molded it to me personally as if I was somehow exempt from the Holy Bible. She would always tell me that I was making up my own Gospel according to the experiences, life and knowledge of HeChangedMyName and I thought she was just a big meanie. lol It hurt because it felt like my faith was being questioned. She was trying to correct me. Hurt feelings are gone and I'm grateful to her for being honest. No one else did and no one else would have.
Turns out she was right. One day I accepted it because the Lord told me the same thing.
This is how it would play out. I'd have an issue and I would think that the Lord said one thing to me and it was STRONG. So strong that it had to be God. . .right? The thing was never negative or bad, but it was also never the best thing, the righteous thing. well, then the second voice would come in with the righteous thing but I thought that was me, trying to overpower God. I thought it was my goody two shoes self conscious trying to get me to trump God. So basically I had mixed up God's voice with my own and I was doing opposite for years.
I started to pray and study and research and study the Word for ways that I could know for sure God's voice, versus mine. I blamed a lot on the devil. I had him pegged for hemming me up. When all along it was me.
Once I could hear God, His voice becomes more and more clear and I realize that what I was hearing before was just my "good" self. I never tried to do anything bad, I just did things half arse(scuse my french, but thats what it was) I was a lazy Christian. I wanted to get in by my own means and on my own.
God told me that he doesn't need my help and he says, he doesn't need yours either
GoddessMaker. You are trying to fix you and its not in your power. You have to release the responsibility of undoing a lifetime. Only God can do that, and he can do it in an instant.
There will be some things you will have to do out of shear obedience. It wont feel good, your pride will get hurt, you may even look like a fool, but you HAVE to follow God's Word to the T. What I'm hearing the spirit say to you is FORGIVE. Forgive whomever for whatever from whenever it happened and for how long ever. you have to forgive. it is not just a notion. It is an action. write it down. everything that you haven't forgiven and say out loud that you forgive, ask God to help you forgive and take it away from you. Forgiving is not forgetting. its releasing the other party(ies) from the imaginary ability to undo the past. Let it go.
You are binding your own self up sis. You have to let go. pm me, we can talk, I will pray with you, for you, stand in the gap for you when your arms are tired. I will cry for you when you have no more tears. I will go to the Lord dragging you by the arm if that is what it takes. But you have to get out of your own way and let God move.
It was God who told me to start tearing down my idols and honey! life has changed tremendously. I am still tearing down idols and I feel "normal" now. I feel like those other people who I wondered how they functioned.
I've had a lot in life. It was a hard hand. molestation, poverty, neglect, terrible relationships with men, crime, etc. I mean I've been through it all either directly or witnessed it first hand with someone close to me.
God bless~
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TMI TMI TMI stop stop stop. but I couldn't. God has blessed us both. 
