Your Man Just Got Engaged...Now What?

[wyldcurlz]

Wanted to get some opinions. If the man you want became engaged to a girl he's known for less than a year...what do you do? Especially if he said he wasn't rushing to get married just a few months earlier. (and this was THE man you've wanted for soooo long.)

You don't want to "throw in the towel" because...there's that shred of hope that maybe he won't go through with it...(or maybe he'll fall in love with you. ) But, then you worry that that's wrong and you should give up. Next thought, is that, you give up and wonder what maybe could have been?

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? What do you do when giving up doesn't feel right, but pursuing it...could be pointless...at least that's what they tell me.

 

[FlyyGyrl]

Honestly? I would let go. The fact that he would turn around and get engaged to someone he barely knows after telling you he wasn't in a rush, bad sign right there. I know its hard but in the end this will save you a lot of heartache. I don't believe in chasing a man. Even if he does not go through with the marriage from his actions he has already proved he is not worthy. This is a decision only you can make but that is my opinion.

 

[poetist]

Well, first of all - he's not "your man" if he's engaged. Second, if he told you that he's not in a rush to get married - believe him. He was in no rush to marry YOU. His new relationship and the time period under which it developed has nothing to do with you. Some people upon meeting realize that they are destined to be together forever.
I would chalk it up as a lesson, not a loss. You didn't lose because there's someone else out there for you.
You also wouldnt want some chick trying to push up on your future fiancee.

 

[MizAvalon]

Honestly? I would let go. The fact that he would turn around and get engaged to someone he barely knows after telling you he wasn't in a rush, bad sign right there. I know its hard but in the end this will save you a lot of heartache. I don't believe in chasing a man. Even if he does not go through with the marriage from his actions he has already proved he is not worthy. This is a decision only you can make but that is my opinion.

How has this man proved that he is not worthy? Perhaps when he said that he wasn't in a rush to get married he meant it at the time? Something as fickle and subjective as human emotion isn't as black and white as that.

Also, this is a question for the OP. You said "or maybe he will fall in love with you". Is that meant to mean that the man was NOT in love with you(or whoever) before? Was he in a relationship with the first woman that he made that not wanting to rush into marriage statement to? Can you clarify what the nature of the relationship was between the man and the first woman?

 

[wyldcurlz]

How has this man proved that he is not worthy? Perhaps when he said that he wasn't in a rush to get married he meant it at the time? Something as fickle and subjective as human emotion isn't as black and white as that.

Good point, Miz Avalon. That's what I think too. I think he wasn't really thinking about it at that time.

Also, this is a question for the OP. You said "or maybe he will fall in love with you". Is that meant to mean that the man was NOT in love with you(or whoever) before? Was he in a relationship with the first woman that he made that not wanting to rush into marriage statement to? Can you clarify what the nature of the relationship was between the man and the first woman?

He wasn't in love with me. I've had a crush on him for years! (he's the friend of a friend and I hardly get to see him because he's in the nfl & his schedule is insane) But we got in touch with each other one day when I was in his city last year (before I'd only see him when he was with our mutual friends.) We talked and tried to arrange a time to meet. But from that point on, we talked on the phone pretty often (not having to go thru friends anymore.) He'd started seeing the girl he's now engaged to 3 months before I was in his city - so a few months before we began our "independent friendship." During a conversation we had about 9 months ago, he said that he wasn't in a rush to get married. Things kept going the same we'd talk or email each other once in a while. Then I heard that he became engaged a few months ago. I was crushed because this is THE guy I've liked for so long and when I finally got in there...

he met his now fiancee 15 months ago. we became friends 13 months ago. he said he wasn't thinking marriage 9 months ago. he got engaged 6 months ago. they'd only been together 10 months when they got engaged.

and no, i wouldn't want someone trying to steal my fiance...but i keep telling myself "they're not married yet and if anytime now is the time." and i'd never chase him...i only want...that last ditch opportunity. you tell yourself maybe it'll happen and maybe its hopeless.

 

[LondonDiva]

I totally agree with poetist. Furthermore less than a year is plenty of time to know for some people. I remember a flurry of posts where members here got engaged after a few weeks of meeting. My friend is getting married after a 7 week courtship, they've been together nearly 2 years now.

 

[wyldcurlz]

Well, first of all - he's not "your man" if he's engaged. Second, if he told you that he's not in a rush to get married - believe him. He was in no rush to marry YOU. His new relationship and the time period under which it developed has nothing to do with you. Some people upon meeting realize that they are destined to be together forever.
I would chalk it up as a lesson, not a loss. You didn't lose because there's someone else out there for you.
You also wouldnt want some chick trying to push up on your future fiancee.

yah there's always someone else. but this person could've been the one for me also and i just didn't act on it. so yah, there probably is someone else, but he could've been the one too. and its true that relationships can build in less than a year, but they can crumble too - the foundation may or may not be strong. plus, he was still talking and emailing me and we were still planning to "hang out." a friend told me he was engaged not him. and as you know, "your man" was said tongue-in-cheek.

 

[LondonDiva]

If he could've been the one for you then you guys would probably be engaged. Sometimes what you think and what actually will happen are two different things. Did you ever think that he was just strictly on the friendship tip with you and nothing more, maybe him emailing you and talking to you is nothing to him because as far as he's concerned you're just friends. Obviously you have feelings for him so everytime he does communicate with you via some means you're gonna read so much more into it, than he does. Sounds like you really need to let go of this one, whether he told you or a friend told you bottom line is he is engaged. Whether a relationship is built in a year or less or more, all relationships have the potential of crumbling. For some reason i get the impression you're willing to sit it out on the sidelines and wait in the hope that because he hasn't known her for that long that the marriage couldn't possibly go through. See this is why I'm a firm believer in going for what you wanted. Maybe this wasn't about him being the one, maybe it was supposed to be a life lesson in seizing opportunities when they present themself instead of waiting for the opportunity to come to you (which in this instance) never happened. My advice is to leave them to be engaged, and do what you gotta do and not let him be any kind of factor romantically in your thoughts. Not saying you can forget about him like that, but not let it consume you. And it is, so don't say it's not cause otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here either. If you can remain friends with him then do that ONLY if you intend to be his friend because you respect your friendship, NOT because your pretending to be his friend for something more possibly in the future, because that's when you'll get hurt if things don't go your way, then you'll be resentful to both him and her when you should have stayed clear in the first place.

 

[LondonDiva]

Honestly? I would let go. The fact that he would turn around and get engaged to someone he barely knows after telling you he wasn't in a rush, bad sign right there. I know its hard but in the end this will save you a lot of heartache. I don't believe in chasing a man. Even if he does not go through with the marriage from his actions he has already proved he is not worthy. This is a decision only you can make but that is my opinion.

Why would that make him not worthy?? From what I've read he's shown no interest nor strung her along or played games. WC has feelings for a guy who probably doesn't even know it, and as far as he's concerned he's being a friend and nothing more. The guy's done nothing wrong but met someone, fallen in love, and gotten engaged, even if he doesn't go through with the marriage well that's between those two, but his actions (what actions) would prove he is unworthy is beyond me.

 

[getmoore]

Like LOVE AND BASKETBALL! Iwonder why he didn't tell YOU he was engaged. Hmmmmm

 

[LondonDiva]

Good point, Miz Avalon. That's what I think too. I think he wasn't really thinking about it at that time.


He wasn't in love with me. I've had a crush on him for years! (he's the friend of a friend and I hardly get to see him because he's in the nfl & his schedule is insane) But we got in touch with each other one day when I was in his city last year (before I'd only see him when he was with our mutual friends.) We talked and tried to arrange a time to meet. But from that point on, we talked on the phone pretty often (not having to go thru friends anymore.) He'd started seeing the girl he's now engaged to 3 months before I was in his city - so a few months before we began our "independent friendship." During a conversation we had about 9 months ago, he said that he wasn't in a rush to get married. Things kept going the same we'd talk or email each other once in a while. Then I heard that he became engaged a few months ago. I was crushed because this is THE guy I've liked for so long and when I finally got in there...

he met his now fiancee 15 months ago. we became friends 13 months ago. he said he wasn't thinking marriage 9 months ago. he got engaged 6 months ago. they'd only been together 10 months when they got engaged.

and no, i wouldn't want someone trying to steal my fiance...but i keep telling myself "they're not married yet and if anytime now is the time." and i'd never chase him...i only want...that last ditch opportunity. you tell yourself maybe it'll happen and maybe its hopeless.

I think you had your opportunity and it's now passed. Sad but true IMHO. I can't sugarcoat it.

Don't even think about it. Married or not, he's shown he's one step away from committed to this woman in engaging her. Leave them be. Just concentrate on being his friend and if you can't manage that then leave it alone because you'll be in a friendship for the wrong reasons.

By even having that train of thought, about them not being married yet so you still may have a chance, says something about a lack of respect for your friend and his relationship. It sounds like you're more consumed with how you're feeling and how things should be going for you and you only, what could have been and what you want. You don't have to like it, but please at least respect it.

 

[MissJ]

The guy was wrong for e-mailing and calling you, leading you on. He knew what he was doing, and if I were his fiance I would be pissed if I found out about it.

 

[StartinOvah]

i think the fact that you have been crushing on this dude for so long has put you a fairytale-like existence with him.

it sounds like you are wishing on a star with all the "opportunity" talk. let it go, child. you have better things to do. the man is engaged. and whether he told you he wasn't ready some odd months ago doesn't matter anymore. he was ready enough to make his girlfriend his soon-to-be-wifey. and the fact that he didn't tell you could mean two things: it was nunya or he knows how sweet you are on him and he didn't want to be the one to break your heart.

yeah its hard. but that last thing you want is some dude seeing how vunerable you are to be with him and have him take advantage of that.

 

[sunnyjohn]

I think you had your opportunity and it's now passed. Sad but true IMHO. I can't sugarcoat it.

Don't even think about it. Married or not, he's shown he's one step away from committed to this woman in engaging her. Leave them be. Just concentrate on being his friend and if you can't manage that then leave it alone because you'll be in a friendship for the wrong reasons.

By even having that train of thought, about them not being married yet so you still may have a chance, says something about a lack of respect for your friend and his relationship. It sounds like you're more consumed with how you're feeling and how things should be going for you and you only, what could have been and what you want. You don't have to like it, but please at least respect it.

I concur.

For your own peace of mind move on.

 

[LondonDiva]

The guy was wrong for e-mailing and calling you, leading you on. He knew what he was doing, and if I were his fiance I would be pissed if I found out about it.

You need to get VERY serious. What has he done. What do you mean he was wrong for emailing and calling her?? Why cause he's a man, and not allowed to have a female friend. I call and email my boys in Houston all the time, one is engaged and the other married. There is such a thing as friendship you know, even if one party doesn't get that it can never be more than that.

 

[LondonDiva]

The guy was wrong for e-mailing and calling you, leading you on. He knew what he was doing, and if I were his fiance I would be pissed if I found out about it.

Also If I were his fiancee I hope I'd have the sense to realise that my man does and will continue to have female friends. You're carrying on like the man dun cheat on her. I'm sure your bf has female friends, are you pissed about that?

 

[FlowerHair]

Oh, I've been in that situation a few times. Although it's painful when it happens, the best thing is to realize that the man in question does not want to marry you - otherwise he would have.

There are many men who say "they don't want to marry" or they want to take things slowly, but when they meet Ms Right they hurry because they don't want to lose her.

It's a blessing anyway, because now you're free to meet your Mr Right...

 

[sky_blu]

See this is the type of situation that would make me through away my morals lol. I gonna get stones thrown at me but I say go for it or at least let him know how you feel to get it off your chest and be done with it. If your brave enough. At least you'll know that you did something and if it wasn't meant to be then move on and chalk it up as a lesson. I wouldn't have a problem with my man having female friends if they wasn't trying to pursue him and it doesn't sound like she was. But the constant phone calls and emails can be confusing. I have a male friend right now who has a girl but I talk to him everyday. Moreso now than before he had a girl and he initiates contact.

 

[ART11]

See this is the type of situation that would make me through away my morals lol. I gonna get stones thrown at me but I say go for it or at least let him know how you feel to get it off your chest and be done with it. If your brave enough. At least you'll know that you did something and if it wasn't meant to be then move on and chalk it up as a lesson. I wouldn't have a problem with my man having female friends if they wasn't trying to pursue him and it doesn't sound like she was. But the constant phone calls and emails can be confusing. I have a male friend right now who has a girl but I talk to him everyday. Moreso now than before he had a girl and he initiates contact.

Go for WHAT? He knew them both when he made the decision to get engaged and he chose the other girl. That's that. She needs to go in search of her own personal patch of sunshine now. It is not to be found there. Even if she changed his mind, at BEST, she would be second choice now. I could not forget that either.

 

[MissYocairis]

Wildcurlz.....get the book He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. Oprah did a WHOLE entire SHOW on it. It's a GREAT BOOK and it will teach you precisely what is going on in this scenario and still you will feel GOOD about it when you read it.

Principles from the book:

1) Men CAN and DO express their TRUE feelings very well. Don't ever think that there is MORE going on in his heart than what he is SHOWING with his actions and saying. Men aren't emotionally confused. So, if he hasn't said, "wildcurlz, I am not sure I want to marry "peaches", I think you might be the woman for me, " then, chances are, that ain't the case.

2) A man who is telling you, "I'm not ready to settle down", "I'm not ready for a girlfriend/wife" is really telling you "I'm not ready to settle down WITH YOU" and "I'm not ready to HAVE YOU for a girlfriend/wife".

3) Men step up to the plate and change their m.o. completely around for the girl of their dreams. If he didn't propose to you, but he did propose to her, she's probably the one for him.

4) Men will move heaven and earth TO PURSUE the girl they love and feel a special connection with. Despite the fact that you initially knew him through a friend, you never developed independent contact with him until you visited his city and YOU had to make that move. If he felt that connection with you, he'd have pursued you long before that. He knew you two have a mutual friend, etc. And, trust me, when you are dealing with pro-ball players, travel is never an issue. He could have pursued something very serious with you in the time it took just to get to the point where you first got independent contact.

I know these are harsh things to say but they are for your own good. Let that man go live his life. You, most likely, are more smitten with what he represents than you are with him. Take away his money and fame and give him a blue-collar, low-wage job. Would you still want to pursue him knowing he's engaged if he had a different status? Not saying you are materialistic but I am saying that perhaps it's not really HIM that you are so attracted to and, if it is, and you still feel like you'd love him no matter what, then to that I say there is a reason why he isn't yours. Take that reason as God's grace. You never know, he might be an abuser, a druggie, a womanizer, a liar, boring, a control freak, fickle, etc.... but there is a REASON. Don't BUCK the system. God got you. HE GOT YOU! Your man is coming. If not this one, then one better, baby, one better!

 

[Armyqt]

See this is the type of situation that would make me through away my morals lol. I gonna get stones thrown at me but I say go for it or at least let him know how you feel to get it off your chest and be done with it. If your brave enough. At least you'll know that you did something and if it wasn't meant to be then move on and chalk it up as a lesson. I wouldn't have a problem with my man having female friends if they wasn't trying to pursue him and it doesn't sound like she was. But the constant phone calls and emails can be confusing. I have a male friend right now who has a girl but I talk to him everyday. Moreso now than before he had a girl and he initiates contact.

BAD ADVICE. We as women need to have a little more self respect.

 

[Armyqt]

Wildcurlz.....get the book He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. Oprah did a WHOLE entire SHOW on it. It's a GREAT BOOK and it will teach you precisely what is going on in this scenario and still you will feel GOOD about it when you read it.

Principles from the book:

1) Men CAN and DO express their TRUE feelings very well. Don't ever think that there is MORE going on in his heart than what he is SHOWING with his actions and saying. Men aren't emotionally confused. So, if he hasn't said, "wildcurlz, I am not sure I want to marry "peaches", I think you might be the woman for me, " then, chances are, that ain't the case.

2) A man who is telling you, "I'm not ready to settle down", "I'm not ready for a girlfriend/wife" is really telling you "I'm not ready to settle down WITH YOU" and "I'm not ready to HAVE YOU for a girlfriend/wife".

3) Men step up to the plate and change their m.o. completely around for the girl of their dreams. If he didn't propose to you, but he did propose to her, she's probably the one for him.

4) Men will move heaven and earth TO PURSUE the girl they love and feel a special connection with. Despite the fact that you initially knew him through a friend, you never developed independent contact with him until you visited his city and YOU had to make that move. If he felt that connection with you, he'd have pursued you long before that. He knew you two have a mutual friend, etc. And, trust me, when you are dealing with pro-ball players, travel is never an issue. He could have pursued something very serious with you in the time it took just to get to the point where you first got independent contact.

I know these are harsh things to say but they are for your own good. Let that man go live his life. You, most likely, are more smitten with what he represents than you are with him. Take away his money and fame and give him a blue-collar, low-wage job. Would you still want to pursue him knowing he's engaged if he had a different status? Not saying you are materialistic but I am saying that perhaps it's not really HIM that you are so attracted to and, if it is, and you still feel like you'd love him no matter what, then to that I say there is a reason why he isn't yours. Take that reason as God's grace. You never know, he might be an abuser, a druggie, a womanizer, a liar, boring, a control freak, fickle, etc.... but there is a REASON. Don't BUCK the system. God got you. HE GOT YOU! Your man is coming. If not this one, then one better, baby, one better!

PREACH!

 

[*Frisky*]

Wildcurlz.....get the book He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. Oprah did a WHOLE entire SHOW on it. It's a GREAT BOOK and it will teach you precisely what is going on in this scenario and still you will feel GOOD about it when you read it.

Principles from the book:

1) Men CAN and DO express their TRUE feelings very well. Don't ever think that there is MORE going on in his heart than what he is SHOWING with his actions and saying. Men aren't emotionally confused. So, if he hasn't said, "wildcurlz, I am not sure I want to marry "peaches", I think you might be the woman for me, " then, chances are, that ain't the case.

2) A man who is telling you, "I'm not ready to settle down", "I'm not ready for a girlfriend/wife" is really telling you "I'm not ready to settle down WITH YOU" and "I'm not ready to HAVE YOU for a girlfriend/wife".

3) Men step up to the plate and change their m.o. completely around for the girl of their dreams. If he didn't propose to you, but he did propose to her, she's probably the one for him.

4) Men will move heaven and earth TO PURSUE the girl they love and feel a special connection with. Despite the fact that you initially knew him through a friend, you never developed independent contact with him until you visited his city and YOU had to make that move. If he felt that connection with you, he'd have pursued you long before that. He knew you two have a mutual friend, etc. And, trust me, when you are dealing with pro-ball players, travel is never an issue. He could have pursued something very serious with you in the time it took just to get to the point where you first got independent contact.

I know these are harsh things to say but they are for your own good. Let that man go live his life. You, most likely, are more smitten with what he represents than you are with him. Take away his money and fame and give him a blue-collar, low-wage job. Would you still want to pursue him knowing he's engaged if he had a different status? Not saying you are materialistic but I am saying that perhaps it's not really HIM that you are so attracted to and, if it is, and you still feel like you'd love him no matter what, then to that I say there is a reason why he isn't yours. Take that reason as God's grace. You never know, he might be an abuser, a druggie, a womanizer, a liar, boring, a control freak, fickle, etc.... but there is a REASON. Don't BUCK the system. God got you. HE GOT YOU! Your man is coming. If not this one, then one better, baby, one better!

I have seen this happen too many times with female friends of mine. It is so true. Very rarely does a man pass up Miss Right for Miss Right Now...

 

[myco]

4) Men will move heaven and earth TO PURSUE the girl they love and feel a special connection with. Despite the fact that you initially knew him through a friend, you never developed independent contact with him until you visited his city and YOU had to make that move. If he felt that connection with you, he'd have pursued you long before that. He knew you two have a mutual friend, etc. And, trust me, when you are dealing with pro-ball players, travel is never an issue. He could have pursued something very serious with you in the time it took just to get to the point where you first got independent contact.

I know these are harsh things to say but they are for your own good. Let that man go live his life. You, most likely, are more smitten with what he represents than you are with him. Take away his money and fame and give him a blue-collar, low-wage job. Would you still want to pursue him knowing he's engaged if he had a different status? Not saying you are materialistic but I am saying that perhaps it's not really HIM that you are so attracted to and, if it is, and you still feel like you'd love him no matter what, then to that I say there is a reason why he isn't yours. Take that reason as God's grace. You never know, he might be an abuser, a druggie, a womanizer, a liar, boring, a control freak, fickle, etc.... but there is a REASON. Don't BUCK the system. God got you. HE GOT YOU! Your man is coming. If not this one, then one better, baby, one better!

I so agree with this.

I think it's more about being in love with the idea of the man than loving the man himself. If he started dating the other woman 3 months before he established direct contact with you, you really have even less to base a relationship on than she does. So the fact that he proposed to her in such short time is really immaterial. The only difference that I can see, is the fact that you've had a crush on him for multiple years, so you've had a chance to "fill in the pieces" of who you think he is or might be.

If he never escalated anything beyond casual phone calls and emails, but was actually pursuing a relationship with another woman - the signs of what was what are right there, if you want to really see them for what they are.

I would let this go. Any attempt at "staking your claim" just rings of desperation and lack of respect for you and him.

 

[MzTami]

I know these are harsh things to say but they are for your own good. Let that man go live his life. You, most likely, are more smitten with what he represents than you are with him. Take away his money and fame and give him a blue-collar, low-wage job. Would you still want to pursue him knowing he's engaged if he had a different status? Not saying you are materialistic but I am saying that perhaps it's not really HIM that you are so attracted to and, if it is, and you still feel like you'd love him no matter what, then to that I say there is a reason why he isn't yours. Take that reason as God's grace. You never know, he might be an abuser, a druggie, a womanizer, a liar, boring, a control freak, fickle, etc.... but there is a REASON. Don't BUCK the system. God got you. HE GOT YOU! Your man is coming. If not this one, then one better, baby, one better!

This is what I was thinking too. Is it him that she wants or the lifestyle of a pro-ball player? It can be very confusing.

I really don't think that pro-football lifestyle is all that great. I mean, once he's finished playing pro-ball, his body is so banged, bruised, distorted, etc..It could be a nightmare living with him. My husband played football in high school and he has problems with his injuries that he suffered just in high school.

Personally, I would move on. If he has chosen her let that be a blessing in disquise. I really wouldn't pursue him. If you are the one, then he will come for you. In the meantime, don't hold your breath or waste your time. Live your life and be open to finding your man.

Good Luck and God Bless

 

[MickMick]

Wanted to get some opinions. If the man you want became engaged to a girl he's known for less than a year...what do you do? Especially if he said he wasn't rushing to get married just a few months earlier. (and this was THE man you've wanted for soooo long.)

You don't want to "throw in the towel" because...there's that shred of hope that maybe he won't go through with it...(or maybe he'll fall in love with you. ) But, then you worry that that's wrong and you should give up. Next thought, is that, you give up and wonder what maybe could have been?

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? What do you do when giving up doesn't feel right, but pursuing it...could be pointless...at leaast that's what they tell me.

I am going to say this...If it was supposed to be you, it would have been you.

You all weren't meant to be. I also agree with those who recommended "He's Not Into You." Another good read is "The Surrendered Single". It will break it down for ya.

Good luck!

 

[Laginappe]

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths women will go to to cause themselves pain.

 

[FlyyGyrl]

Why would that make him not worthy??

If a man does not realize how wonderful you are then he is not worth all the trouble she is thinking about putting herself through.

If this man is in the nfl then he is prob used to women throwing themselves at him. Please do not do this. He will prob see you as another groupie and you will be worse off then you were before. Let it go. Let it go.

 

[BrickbyBrick]

If a man does not realize how wonderful you are then he is not worth all the trouble she is thinking about putting herself through.

If this man is in the nfl then he is prob used to women throwing themselves at him. Please do not do this. He will prob see you as another groupie and you will be worse off then you were before. Let it go. Let it go.

I have to agree with FlyyGyrl. Good luck on your decision. I know it's a hard one. I was in a similar situation. Turned out I met a wonderful guy not too long after. Want to hear the punchline? Engaged (now married) guy called me last year, talking some mess about how he made a mistake, blah blah. Honey, I'm nobody's sloppy seconds. Don't be one either.

 

[sunnyjohn]

...Engaged (now married) guy called me last year, talking some mess about how he made a mistake, blah blah. Honey, I'm nobody's sloppy seconds. Don't be one either.

I hoped you 'cussed his behind out! How dare he throw his messy social issues on you!

Someone should kick him square in the nuts....