Your Man Just Got Engaged...Now What?

Armyqt said:
BAD ADVICE. We as women need to have a little more self respect.
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I'm not telling her to sleep with him and start an affair but what's wrong with telling him how she feels? Sure bad timing but just to get if off her chest.
 
I agree with those who said he's not your man. Sorry...but he's not.

Marriage is a big thing. I mean...how many men have you heard say they are taking their time and not ready yet? For a man to go buy a ring and pop the question is a BIG thing whether he told you he wasn't ready or not. Sounds like he would have told you ANYTHING. Sorry. He's engaged and someone ELSE's man. :(
 
sunnyjohn said:
I hoped you 'cussed his behind out! How dare he throw his messy social issues on you!

Someone should kick him square in the nuts....
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Believe you me, I would've like to:spank: . But seeing as he was the pastor's son at my church, I kindly told him that I think our friendship was at an end, and that he should go to counseling. By this time, he'd already had two children with his wife, and she was pregnant with a third. I no longer attend that church. Crazy *ss bum.
 
LondonDiva said:
You need to get VERY serious. What has he done. What do you mean he was wrong for emailing and calling her?? Why cause he's a man, and not allowed to have a female friend. I call and email my boys in Houston all the time, one is engaged and the other married. There is such a thing as friendship you know, even if one party doesn't get that it can never be more than that.
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I am serious, and I have been in a situation like this. Summer 2004, WCG called me and told me that a girl, Tina, had called his grandma's house looking for him. Well, his grandmother gave her his number, and she called. He had previously met this girl in when he was in high school at Hollywood Connection, although he didn't like her. He liked her cousin. Tina was kinda fat and had braces. Anyway, she called WCG and told him that she was looking for a husband. He told her that he had a girlfriend, and she was like, "You just broke my spirit." Anyway, WCG loves to talk, so any opportunity. Since, I was not in town, he was probably available to talk to her anytime she called. I know that he had told me she wanted him to see her and her breast reduction at Denny's where she was a manager in his hometown. :confused: Anyway, I probably told him that he didn't need to be talking to her. I'm not sure.

February 2005, I move back to town. WCG gets a phone call. He doesn't know whose number it is, so he tells me to answer it. It goes a little something like this:

MissJ: Hello.
Tina: Hello, may I speak to the Wave Cap Gay?
MissJ: *pause* Who is this?
Tina: Tina
MissJ: He's not here.

WCG was just so amused talking about how I "regulated" on Tina. First of all, I didn't know he was still talking to her. She probably thought he didn't really have a girlfriend, since he was always available to talk. She probably thought this was going to be "her man" like the original poster is calling this guy her man. He said that he would call her to apologize for my "regulating on her", but he doesn't even have her number. He was kind of shocked that she never called back after that. That just tells me that she was thinking that something might happen between, and I told him he was being cruel for leading her on, although he doesn't think he was leading her on. Just by talking to her he was giving her hope that maybe this would be her husband. It sounds like this is the same type of situation. Why else would this lady be calling this guy "her man?"
 
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LondonDiva said:
Why would that make him not worthy?? From what I've read he's shown no interest nor strung her along or played games. WC has feelings for a guy who probably doesn't even know it, and as far as he's concerned he's being a friend and nothing more. The guy's done nothing wrong but met someone, fallen in love, and gotten engaged, even if he doesn't go through with the marriage well that's between those two, but his actions (what actions) would prove he is unworthy is beyond me.
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I appreciate your point LD...but I haven't told you everything about his actions etc. I only gave an brief overview. I put some of my business out there, but not all of it. ;)
 
FlowerHair said:
Oh, I've been in that situation a few times. Although it's painful when it happens, the best thing is to realize that the man in question does not want to marry you - otherwise he would have.

There are many men who say "they don't want to marry" or they want to take things slowly, but when they meet Ms Right they hurry because they don't want to lose her.

It's a blessing anyway, because now you're free to meet your Mr Right... :)
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I agree. Take some time to figure out what lessons you learned from this man and apply them when the next man/right man finds you.
 
thanks guys, i appreciate all the responses. its interesting to me how many of you read so far into the comment...he wasn't ready for marriage. its not like we were having a heart to heart. he doesn't even know how i feel! we were just talking about women because he was still openly looking for other women at the time. i asked him if he ever wanted to marry or if he was going to be "the bachelor" for years to come. That's when he said "he wasn't ready for marriage." geez! it had NOTHING to do with me.

i've read and known about the book He's Just Not That Into You. Its a good book, but it is a little disingenuous in its advice. Like I said (and someone pointed out) i've never chased this guy, nor do i intend to. That's not my point. other than hearing some opinons, i don't really know what my point was in posting.

its amusing that when i mention his career people wonder if i sincerely like him or like the idea of him. people always wonder that whenever you mention someone has a little bit of cash. its not about his money or his career. i've got my own very good career that brings its own cash. i just like him. like i said, there were other reasons and things he's done but that's neither here nor there. thanks for all your input. you're a group of intelligent, opinionated women and its good to hear some other thoughts on it. funny, my guy friends tell me the exact opposite of what most of you have said! i guess that's why we're from venus and they're from mars. :)

and to sky_blu...i don't think there is ever anything wrong with letting someone know how you feel! i agree with you 100% and i think most people would! (if i hadn't described the situation and just made a post asking, should you tell someone how you really feel about them you can bet almost 99% of the answers would've been a resounding YES!)
 
FlyyGyrl said:
If a man does not realize how wonderful you are then he is not worth all the trouble she is thinking about putting herself through.

If this man is in the nfl then he is prob used to women throwing themselves at him. Please do not do this. He will prob see you as another groupie and you will be worse off then you were before. Let it go. Let it go.
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I agree with Londondiva. Just because he chose the other woman doesnt mean he's not worthy at all. He may not be worth the time to Wyldcurlz because he obviously doesnt want her. But he is obviously now worth the other woman's time and effort (his current fiancee). And just because he doesnt want to be with Wyldcurlz doesnt mean he doesnt realize how wonderful she is. He probably does, but she's just not his cup of tea.

I hope you will be able to get over him Wyldcurlz. Your chance has passed and I think you need to let him go. Good luck.
 
So Wild Curlz, have you decided what you were going to do? And I was typing earlier on the sidekick so I couldnt post as much as I wanted too. But I think when she said "your man" she was just using it like "Hey thats my man" "my homie" not saying he's my man like he was her boyfriend, spouse, significant other. Just another way of saying "my boy" would that have been better if she stated it that way? "Your boy just got engaged....now what?". :lol: Ok thats the way I took it, I could be wrong. :ohwell: And also how is she disrespecting him, herself, or the relationship by simply telling him how she feels? If she not serving her ____on a silver platter I dont see the disrespect. Like I said earlier it may be bad timing but hey *no offense WC* if he really doesnt want her then it should be no problem. And I do think that some males are confused and have problems sharing their feelings. Not all but I think some do. We dont even know the whole situation, the girl he engaged too could have been pressuring him to marry or he felt pressured by something else and just proposed. Just my two cents :ohwell: Now WC what are you going to do? :lol:
 
sky_blu said:
But I think when she said "your man" she was just using it like "Hey thats my man" "my homie" not saying he's my man like he was her boyfriend, spouse, significant other. Just another way of saying "my boy"
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That is how i took it. It is like when you and your girls say something like "ohhh girl go get you man." When the guy you all are talking about don't even know you. i took it as an expression of the guy you would so want to be with sort of like your dream man. Like how alot of women on this board go on saying that some famous actor or athlete is thier man when they don't even exist in that man's eyes.

Anyway Wild Curlz I understand what you are saying. Honestly I don't know what is "best". I am all about telling someone how you feel so you never have to keep wondering. I mean it is not like you are taking off you close and begging him to sleep with you. You just want to let him know how you feel.

And yes (ladies who disagree) I would be mad of someone did that to my finace but if my fiance loved me or was serious enough this wouldn't even be an issue about the possibility of someone else and if by the slightest chance there was then he would gladly be putting them in their place.

Just let us know what you decide because obviously like you said there was more between you guys than what you briefly stated to make you feel this way and I picked up on that from the first post. Or maybe what he WASN'%T saying that lead you to feel this way.
 
I just wanted to add that if he did anything to lead you on (things we don't know about because we was not there), he doesn't deserve you anyway. I truly hope you heal and learn from this. Q
 
My opinion...just let it go. The man is engaged to someone else so its no need to tell him about your feelings unless you don't want to talk to him anymore. If you tell him how you feel this late, you will come off as a groupie, and if his fiancee finds out, she will put a snip to that trust.


I know how you feel, b/c I have had a similiar situation happened to me that was dragged over close to a 3 year period. I met this guy and I remember telling all of my friends that was the guy I was going to marry (boy oh boy am I glad I wised up on that one). Well 6 months after meeting, I got up the courage to ask one of his friends for his number, and thus the "friendship" began. We went out on a "date" after that and we talked consisently on the phone. All the "signs" were there to signify how this man felt about me. I mean we talked all the time, acted jealous if I told him I was talking to someone, flirted, I met his parents and half of his family who always asked about me. He always asked me to escort him to business functions, and told everyone at work that I was his girlfriend (funny, he never told me that). Yet, in spite all of these apparent signs, there were other things too. He called consistenly, but sometimes he would just drop off for a while, and if I called he didn't return my calls. Then he would call again in a while stating that some things were going on in his life, he was sick, and the vast majority of the time he did have reasonable circumstances, but I have to ask if I was that important to him, why couldn't he let me know? Only when I informed him that I was moving away did he truly lay it out how he really felt about me and I had to kinda drag that out of him. We then finally had a serious discussion as to why he/I didn't put all of this info out there sooner, his timing/commitment issues, etc., but that didn't change a thing. I even told this man that I would be willing to move or not even go, if he could show me that he would be consistent in trying to build a better relationship with me and that we could take things as slower if he wanted (ok, I was lying straight through my teeth, b/c by this time I had figured out his pattern, but I did this to test and see how he would react). Well, he made his promises, yadda, yadda, yadda, and the same pattern continued. He was consistent for about 2 weeks, then back to the same old routine, so I basically stopped talking to him. About 1.5 years later, he calls my cell phone to inform me that he is visiting the area I am in and if I was willing to meet him. I said I would, but before getting off the phone, I let him know that I was engaged. Well I saw him, and I guess since I told him I was engaged, he told me that he had just recently broke off his engagement to some woman. Now fancy that, all I got was the spill about how he has all these commitment/time-management issues, but yet he had the time to form a rlp, get engaged, and unengaged in a relatively short period of time. What I realized then was that yes, he was telling the truth. He does have commitment/timing issues, but yet and still I was not important enough for him to overcome these things for us to formulate a suitable rlp, but apparently someone else was, b/c based on his own words, he was consistent with her, but not me.


I think you must ask yourself what do u want to come out of this? The chances of this man leaving this woman based on you revealing how you feel about him are very slim. And lets say for instance he does feel the same way, he still might tell you he loves his fiancee, and will not leave. Or even if he breaks off his engagement, that still wouldn't necessarily make him free for you. He could have some else including you in his pocket as well as the fact that if he did break off his engagement, he needs time to figure out why and to prepare himself for being in a rlp again so that this doesn't happen twice.
 
CantBeCopied said:
Wildcurlz.....get the book He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. Oprah did a WHOLE entire SHOW on it. It's a GREAT BOOK and it will teach you precisely what is going on in this scenario and still you will feel GOOD about it when you read it.

Principles from the book:

1) Men CAN and DO express their TRUE feelings very well. Don't ever think that there is MORE going on in his heart than what he is SHOWING with his actions and saying. Men aren't emotionally confused. So, if he hasn't said, "wildcurlz, I am not sure I want to marry "peaches", I think you might be the woman for me, " then, chances are, that ain't the case.

2) A man who is telling you, "I'm not ready to settle down", "I'm not ready for a girlfriend/wife" is really telling you "I'm not ready to settle down WITH YOU" and "I'm not ready to HAVE YOU for a girlfriend/wife".

3) Men step up to the plate and change their m.o. completely around for the girl of their dreams. If he didn't propose to you, but he did propose to her, she's probably the one for him.

4) Men will move heaven and earth TO PURSUE the girl they love and feel a special connection with. Despite the fact that you initially knew him through a friend, you never developed independent contact with him until you visited his city and YOU had to make that move. If he felt that connection with you, he'd have pursued you long before that. He knew you two have a mutual friend, etc. And, trust me, when you are dealing with pro-ball players, travel is never an issue. He could have pursued something very serious with you in the time it took just to get to the point where you first got independent contact.
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WC, the above 4 points are invaluable. There isn't much for me to say because I would have made the above points. What I will say is that if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away, and if he doesn't, nothing can make him stay. On that note, I think your energy would be best spent elsewhere. If you were supposed to be with this guy, you would be, and you wouldn't have to sabotage an engagement to be with him. I'd cut ties and keep it moving...we'll go out one weekend and find a new man for ya! :lol: We could hit the Laugh Factory or Lola's or sumthin...:sekret:

Anyway, CBC hit the nail on the head (as usual). Don't try to correct God's protection. The grass is always greener...

{DI}
 
I feel that even thinking about this man, is a waste of your time. He has taken himself off the market whether you like it or not, he has. I also think you would end up looking bad to him if you told him how you felt even though you know he is engaged. But still it seems that you really want to tell him how you feel so I don't think any advice we give you on this board to do otherwise will have much of an impact.

So let me say that I think you should go ahead and do it. Do it so that he, not us, can tell you how he feels and what he wants. If he doesn't want you, you can put this aside and go on with your life, hopefully. If he does want you and decides to kick his fiance to the curb, then you can have your man, be happy for a few months and then spend the duration of the relationship worrying about what is going to happen when the next flavor of the month catches his eye. But bottom line, it's your life, so you have to make the decision that you think is best.
 
A good way to move on - Improve yourself. Join a gym, buy a whole bunch of new clothes, get a makeover,take up kickboxing, oil painting, something along those lines. Also turn to some form of spiritual excercise, cos you need to heal. Tis hard, but doable.Any aggression or pent up emotion caused by the engagement - put it into your new hobby.And don't do it with the hopes that it'll make you more desirable to him - do it for YOU.

Some argue that it makes it seem like you're improving the 'faults' that made him not propose, I say hogwash. You're improving the already wonderful you, and the next time your newly healed and toned and talented self runs into him, or he into you, he'll look at you and feel sorry on what he missed out on, and you'll probably look at him and feel like you're on a whole 'nother level, above him. From personal experience, it helps.:)
 
Leading HER on? Just b/c he was emailling and calling a FRIEND and she chose to build it up something from nothing in her head? Yeah ok.

That is a very immature way to place blame just b/c you don't get what you want when you didn't take proactive action to get what you want.

MissJ said:
The guy was wrong for e-mailing and calling you, leading you on. He knew what he was doing, and if I were his fiance I would be pissed if I found out about it.
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Chile be happy that man found someone he loves or wants to spend his life with. He isn't your man and never was.:look: You were crushing tis all.
Its too many men out there to harp on one that doesn't want you like that. Time to yell NEXT!
 
I can relate to wanting someone and they don't feel the same way. It isn't easy to move on b/c after all - there is this fantasy relationship built up in your head and it offerred comfort and something to possibly look forward to. In the end it was all in my head and I had to move on - no choice. This isn't the movies or the movie Best Friends where he will just come to his senses and realize he loved me after all this time eventhough he gave a ring and commitment to someone else.

Join a gym, get a life and do things to work on yourself to make yourself a better person for YOU and for the man that will find you as a wife. I did and found my husband about 1 month after I started being serious about working on me and improving my outlook on life.
 
Let it go.... It probably wasn't you, it was him. Men tend to settle down with whoever is in their life at the moment they decided to settle down. It doesn't matter how many women were before that or how perfect they might have been, they weren't ready so it didn't matter. Women on the other hand tend to look for "the one" and then go at it from there.
 
poetist said:
Well, first of all - he's not "your man" if he's engaged. Second, if he told you that he's not in a rush to get married - believe him. He was in no rush to marry YOU. His new relationship and the time period under which it developed has nothing to do with you. Some people upon meeting realize that they are destined to be together forever.
I would chalk it up as a lesson, not a loss. You didn't lose because there's someone else out there for you.
You also wouldnt want some chick trying to push up on your future fiancee.
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KUDOS!!! I def agree... He didn't want to marry YOU, it obviously wasn't that he didn't want to get married. If I were you, I'd keep it moving.
 
bmoreflyygirl said:
Let it go.... It probably wasn't you, it was him. Men tend to settle down with whoever is in their life at the moment they decided to settle down. It doesn't matter how many women were before that or how perfect they might have been, they weren't ready so it didn't matter. Women on the other hand tend to look for "the one" and then go at it from there.
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ITA!!!
Many of my male friends that are now married said this exact same thing. They were ready to settle down and their wife just happened to be in their life at the right time. For men a lot of it is practicality. They all admitted that they could have settled down with most if not all of the women they dated because those women were just as great as their wives.
 
wyldcurlz said:
thanks guys, i appreciate all the responses. its interesting to me how many of you read so far into the comment...he wasn't ready for marriage. its not like we were having a heart to heart. he doesn't even know how i feel! we were just talking about women because he was still openly looking for other women at the time. i asked him if he ever wanted to marry or if he was going to be "the bachelor" for years to come. That's when he said "he wasn't ready for marriage." geez! it had NOTHING to do with me.

i've read and known about the book He's Just Not That Into You. Its a good book, but it is a little disingenuous in its advice. Like I said (and someone pointed out) i've never chased this guy, nor do i intend to. That's not my point. other than hearing some opinons, i don't really know what my point was in posting.

its amusing that when i mention his career people wonder if i sincerely like him or like the idea of him. people always wonder that whenever you mention someone has a little bit of cash. its not about his money or his career. i've got my own very good career that brings its own cash. i just like him. like i said, there were other reasons and things he's done but that's neither here nor there. thanks for all your input. you're a group of intelligent, opinionated women and its good to hear some other thoughts on it. funny, my guy friends tell me the exact opposite of what most of you have said! i guess that's why we're from venus and they're from mars. :)

and to sky_blu...i don't think there is ever anything wrong with letting someone know how you feel! i agree with you 100% and i think most people would! (if i hadn't described the situation and just made a post asking, should you tell someone how you really feel about them you can bet almost 99% of the answers would've been a resounding YES!)
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You are right, he does not know how you feel but, he also did not know how his fiance felt when he went after her. One thing he knew then and still knows now is how he feels. He did not feel it for you then and still does not now. Also, no man is ever ready for marriage. Men get married because they meet one woman that is right for them and marry her because they do not want anyone else to have her. If you are still not convinced, think about the time you spent as friends. If he really ever wanted to be with you, he would have swooped you up when he was available just to keep the other men away. Men and women do communicate differently but men certainly act on their feelings about the right woman pure and simple.
 
wyldcurlz said:
Wanted to get some opinions. If the man you want became engaged to a girl he's known for less than a year...what do you do? Especially if he said he wasn't rushing to get married just a few months earlier. (and this was THE man you've wanted for soooo long.)

You don't want to "throw in the towel" because...there's that shred of hope that maybe he won't go through with it...(or maybe he'll fall in love with you. :dinner:) But, then you worry that that's wrong and you should give up. Next thought, is that, you give up and wonder what maybe could have been?

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? What do you do when giving up doesn't feel right, but pursuing it...could be pointless...at least that's what they tell me.
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Move on. Why would you want someone so confused that he asked one woman to marry him and then turns around and wants to be with you?

Ummmmm, come here for a second. See-saws are for kids, not adults. You can't shake emotions around in a paper bag, and then say, "Close your eyes and pick a name, any name and this is the one you love."

Forget him! He's stupid! Especially if he leaves a committment he made and comes to you or any other woman.

Also, stay away from him for you will reap what you sow. Anything you do to try and break up his relationship will come back onto you. It's law. What goes around comes around. And if you ever notice, this happens to a lot of 'relationships' where the couples cheated to be with someone else. And it's coming, indeed it is. Karma is no friend to anyone; except those who do good; then good comes back. It has too.

Move on. Ain't no man worth all that drama. Especially the girl who is definitely coming after you and there won't be a thing that you can do about it, because you 'were' wrong to chase him and/or receive him if he came to you. And why would you want sloppy seconds in the first place?

Get a new man and be happy. Life is too long (Yes, too long) to be wasting on someone who does not want you. You can spend that time better, getting ready for the new one. Fix your hair, clip those toenails, get your wardrobe together and be ready for the new man to arrive. In life, you get what you expect.
 
isioma85 said:
A good way to move on - Improve yourself. Join a gym, buy a whole bunch of new clothes, get a makeover,take up kickboxing, oil painting, something along those lines. Also turn to some form of spiritual excercise, cos you need to heal. Tis hard, but doable.Any aggression or pent up emotion caused by the engagement - put it into your new hobby.And don't do it with the hopes that it'll make you more desirable to him - do it for YOU.

Some argue that it makes it seem like you're improving the 'faults' that made him not propose, I say hogwash. You're improving the already wonderful you, and the next time your newly healed and toned and talented self runs into him, or he into you, he'll look at you and feel sorry on what he missed out on, and you'll probably look at him and feel like you're on a whole 'nother level, above him. From personal experience, it helps.:)
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I totally agree with this. Its hard when your in the midst of so much "emotion". Good luck. Let us know how it does.
 
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