You help a man go from nothing to something and then he dunmps you and....

[natural2008]

Hello Ladies,
I overheard this conversation yesterday so please tell me how you feel about this. So this woman ( i dont know her name so we will call her Amy). So Amy was talking to her friend Beth and explaing to her how her church sister Camille is now dating Don and Camille is fully aware that Amy and Don use to date. When Amy met Don he had nothing, she taught him how to dress, helped him get himself together haircut wise, he use to have razor bumps, his health was out of control so she helped him to lose weight. Once he got it together they broke up. Amy told Beth she didn't know how she should feel about Camille and him dating. Don is the man he is today becasue of Amy. If it had not been for Amy he would not be who he is now. My question to you all is how would you feel in this situation? Sorry I don't know how to do a poll.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

"Don is the man he is today because of Amy"...does she want a cookie? People can move on. No one in indebted to you. Makes me wonder what here ulterior motives for "helping" him were in the first place. Where it gets lousy is that her friend (I guess friend) is dating her ex. Don't get me wrong if they aren't friends and they're just church members...she doesn't hold any claim over the man. There was no "this belongs to" stamp on this man. Either way Amy needs to move on and get a life. Perhaps date some other men (gasp.). I do understand that she thinks he's ingrateful but so what, he's a jerk, he doesn't want her...move on. But he shouldn't have to be with her just because she turned him into a work of art lol!

In the future she should only help men because she wants to help them, if she wants to help them, and expect a man to stay with her because he wants to be with her not because she gave him nice clothes to wear.

 

[natural2008]

"Don is the man he is today because of Amy"...does she want a cookie? People can move on. No one in indebted to you. Makes me wonder what here ulterior motives for "helping" him were in the first place. Where it gets lousy is that her friend (I guess friend) is dating her ex. Don't get me wrong if they aren't friends and they're just church members...she doesn't hold any claim over the man. There was no "this belongs to" stamp on this man. Either way Amy needs to move on and get a life. Perhaps date some other men (gasp.). I do understand that she thinks he's ingrateful but so what, he's a jerk, he doesn't want her...move on. But he shouldn't have to be with her just because she turned him into a work of art lol!

In the future she should only help men because she wants to help them, if she wants to help them, and expect a man to stay with her because he wants to be with her not because she gave him nice clothes to wear.

Girl, and I overheard Amy say that she is married so cannot really trip off of Don. OOPsie I left that part out.

 

[dlewis]

"Don is the man he is today because of Amy"...does she want a cookie? People can move on. No one in indebted to you. Makes me wonder what here ulterior motives for "helping" him were in the first place. Where it gets lousy is that her friend (I guess friend) is dating her ex. Don't get me wrong if they aren't friends and they're just church members...she doesn't hold any claim over the man. There was no "this belongs to" stamp on this man. Either way Amy needs to move on and get a life. Perhaps date some other men (gasp.). I do understand that she thinks he's ingrateful but so what, he's a jerk, he doesn't want her...move on. But he shouldn't have to be with her just because she turned him into a work of art lol!

In the future she should only help men because she wants to help them, if she wants to help them, and expect a man to stay with her because he wants to be with her not because she gave him nice clothes to wear.

I agree. Hopefully people are growing in relationships. He owes her nothing.

 

[Keen]

If Amy made Don the man he is today, he will probably fail because she is no longer there to tell him what to do or how to act.

If a man stay with you because he is grateful, that relationship will most likely not succeed because something is missing.

 

[awhyley]

Girl, and I overheard Amy say that she is married so cannot really trip off of Don. OOPsie I left that part out.

^^^ Amy is a mess then. And that's why you don't help people unless it's from the goodness of your heart. Cause that's how stuff like dis is backfire on ya.

 

[dlewis]

A guy I know girlfriend literally got him through grad school. She did all his homework. They broke up after he finished with school. Does he owe her anything? No. She shouldn't have been doing that anyway. Now another woman is living her life or so she feels.

 

[natural2008]

I agree. Hopefully people are growing in relationships. He owes her nothing.

I was thinking the same thing when I overheard this conversation. She reallt seemed upset. I said to myself huum I wonder what my long hair care forum sisters think. I failed to mention that Amy is now married and is trippin off of Don.

 

[Thiends]

This is an age-old story. I don't know when women are going to finally understand that men shouldn't be fixed.

 

[Glib Gurl]

A guy I know girlfriend literally got him through grad school. She did all his homework. They broke up after he finished with school. Does he owe her anything? No. She shouldn't have been doing that anyway. Now another woman is living her life or so she feels.

Wow - what a pair of fools Her for doing his work and him for not getting the education that he paid for (if for nothing else with his time).

OT -Dlewis I like your new siggy

 

[Strangefruittree]

please.... like someone said, arent we supposed to grow in relationships... wonders what he did for her to make her want to help him out (hmmmmmm.... ) Its her intentions that leaving her with this sour feeling... She had foul expectations of the situation- Meanwhile he might be singing her praises, like- that last girl i was with really took care of me, it just didnt work out..."

and on a similar note... i was thinking about this recently... I have dated some cool dudes, who help to grow the person i am today... I owe them nothing but the gratitude i just expressed and the desire to "help" who ever i come in contact with... I was receptive to the new ideas they brought to me and vice versa- isnt that apart of the love exchange

 

[ThickHair]

"Don is the man he is today because of Amy"...does she want a cookie? People can move on. No one in indebted to you. Makes me wonder what here ulterior motives for "helping" him were in the first place. Where it gets lousy is that her friend (I guess friend) is dating her ex. Don't get me wrong if they aren't friends and they're just church members...she doesn't hold any claim over the man. There was no "this belongs to" stamp on this man. Either way Amy needs to move on and get a life. Perhaps date some other men (gasp.). I do understand that she thinks he's ingrateful but so what, he's a jerk, he doesn't want her...move on. But he shouldn't have to be with her just because she turned him into a work of art lol!

Why is he a jerk? He hasn't done anything wrong. You had me in your corner until you mentioned that jerk part.

 

[TCatt86]

Girl, and I overheard Amy say that she is married so cannot really trip off of Don. OOPsie I left that part out.

You left out an integral part of the story. lol. Amy needs to sit her married arse down and worry about her marriage. Don doesn't owe her a thing.

 

[Bunny77]

Stop it with the Negro Improvement Plan!!!

(That goes for dudes who aren't Negroes as well. )

 

[jada1111]

Hello Ladies,
I overheard this conversation yesterday so please tell me how you feel about this. So this woman ( i dont know her name so we will call her Amy). So Amy was talking to her friend Beth and explaing to her how her church sister Camille is now dating Don and Camille is fully aware that Amy and Don use to date. When Amy met Don he had nothing, she taught him how to dress, helped him get himself together haircut wise, he use to have razor bumps, his health was out of control so she helped him to lose weight. Once he got it together they broke up. Amy told Beth she didn't know how she should feel about Camille and him dating. Don is the man he is today becasue of Amy. If it had not been for Amy he would not be who he is now. My question to you all is how would you feel in this situation? Sorry I don't know how to do a poll.

Isn't this how Angie Stone treats her men? They also repay her in the same fashion, by leaving her.

This is why I don't want to "build" up no man. Betty Broderick did the same thing and all that got her was a double murder charge in the end.

 

[jada1111]

This is an age-old story. I don't know when women are going to finally understand that men shouldn't be fixed.

You know we don't always agree, but THIS^ ^ ^ should be told to every girl as soon as she's old enough to understand with stories, slides, live examples, etc.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

Don't mess with a "nothing" man under any circumstance. He will always have a chip on his shoulder and trick up his good fortune.
I'm not saying to discriminate against a man from a humble background, but he should clean himself up. A man should be his woman's man, not her baby.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Why is he a jerk? He hasn't done anything wrong. You had me in your corner until you mentioned that jerk part.

I said I understand that "she thinks he's ingrateful...he's a jerk" etc. Then I said move on. I meant that she's thinking this, not that he is. I have no idea what he did or didn't do. The point is that she thinks it or she wouldn't be lamenting it to friends. Regardless she needs to move on because he doesn't owe her anything.

 

[kmn1980]

Amy was "fixing him up" for herself and when he didn't want her like that, she got her feelings hurt. Happens often. Unfortunately, I'm willing to bet that if you were to ask Don, he'd assert that Amy had about 5% to do with his "upgrade." In the end, change comes out of that person wanting to change-not at the insistence of others.

I've noticed that many women think they can buy a man's affection by doing things for him that are over and above that which would be considered general kindness in the dating stages of a relationship. Sometimes it's gifts and material things, sometimes sex, sometimes it's playing wife without a ring, etc...

Never a good idea. If you meet a man that you think needs so much intervention, you should either pass or realize that you may sow and not reap and accept it.

Relationships are like gambling. You take the risk of investing in a person and it may or may not turn out in your favor. That's life. What can you do?

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Amy was "fixing him up" for herself and when he didn't want her like that, she got her feelings hurt. Happens often. Unfortunately, I'm willing to bet that if you were to ask Don, he'd assert that Amy had about 5% to do with his "upgrade." In the end, change comes out of that person wanting to change-not at the insistence of others.

I've noticed that many women think they can buy a man's affection by doing things for him that are over and above that which would be considered general kindness in the dating stages of a relationship. Sometimes it's gifts and material things, sometimes sex, sometimes it's playing wife without a ring, etc...

Never a good idea. If you meet a man that you think needs so much intervention, you should either pass or realize that you may sow and not reap and accept it.

Relationships are like gambling. You take the risk of investing in a person and it may or may not turn out in your favor. That's life. What can you do?

I know a lady who paid a guys rent for half a year (maxing out her credit cards ) so he wouldn't leave her. He kept complaining New York was too expensive, and he wanted to go back to Texas. Didn't mention anything about getting married or her going with him. She didn't pick up the sign or listen of course. Convinced that they would be together (they were in a relationship at the time), month after month she took advances. She kept hinting that if they moved in together his share would be as much as if he was in Texas as they lived in Queens (less expensive than nyc). He'd get quiet and then go back to complaining about whoa is him and the rent. She'd pay it again. She also paid for his meals and basically everything.

End result? He's in Texas with his ex girlfriend. She's paying off a huge credit card balance and thinks he's awful and that he lead her on. I asked her what did she hope to gain? She said he should at least be grateful. That's when I told her in a way she was trying to "buy" his love so to speak. She didn't want to hear that. Her intentions weren't pure and neither were his. She wanted to manipulate him into staying with her.
Putting someone in a situation where they feel indebted to you does not make for a healthy relationship even if he did stay for those reason...would she or anyone really want that? We have to have more self respect to want a relationship where someone actually wants to be with us too without us having to bend over backwards to make it happen.

 

[NYAmicas]

http://i26.tinypic.com/2qantlh.gif

I know a lady who paid a guys rent for half a year (maxing out her credit cards ) so he wouldn't leave her. He kept complaining New York was too expensive, and he wanted to go back to Texas. Didn't mention anything about getting married or her going with him. She didn't pick up the sign or listen of course. Convinced that they would be together (they were in a relationship at the time), month after month she took advances. She kept hinting that if they moved in together his share would be as much as if he was in Texas as they lived in Queens (less expensive than nyc). He'd get quiet and then go back to complaining about whoa is him and the rent. She'd pay it again. She also paid for his meals and basically everything.

.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

A guy I know girlfriend literally got him through grad school. She did all his homework. They broke up after he finished with school. Does he owe her anything? No. She shouldn't have been doing that anyway. Now another woman is living her life or so she feels.

I hear/see this happening A LOT in marriages. I know of a client of mine whose husband left her and kids once he graduated college.

Before, I never really understood why women/men stressed how they wanted someone on the same lever (regardless of what that level is). Future aspiration need to be discussed early. Especially if one or the other doesn't see the importance of it or they are not equally capable of accomplishing the same thing at the same time. Now the woman and her kids moved back home with her parents.

Isn't this how Angie Stone treats her men? They also repay her in the same fashion, by leaving her.

This is why I don't want to "build" up no man. Betty Broderick did the same thing and all that got her was a double murder charge in the end.

Not to thread jack or be a bytch, but Angie Stone is nuts. Add Jill Scott, Lauryn Hill and Erykah Badu. I say that because so MANY women try to mimic their unhealthy double talking behaviors. Unfortunately, most these women don't have the crutch of celebrity to make it work (albeit for the short term).

I know a lady who paid a guys rent for half a year (maxing out her credit cards ) so he wouldn't leave her. He kept complaining New York was too expensive, and he wanted to go back to Texas. Didn't mention anything about getting married or her going with him.

How pathetic.

 

[ladylibra_30]

Many men leave the women who were there for them when he had nothing because she is a reminder of where he comes from.

 

[Strangefruittree]

Many men leave the women who were there for them when he had nothing because she is a reminder of where he comes from.

Like a direct link to it.... you aint lyin

 

[caltron]

Some of the best relationship advice I've ever gotten is that a woman should always judge a man on how he is when she first meets him--not on what she thinks he could be in five years. Those fixer uppers almost always end up breaking your heart and draining your money and emotions.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

The only thing any woman needs to be fixin up is a house....so she can make a profit off of it when she sells it.

 

[itismehmmkay]

I think we all should grow and help one another grow in a relationship. But it should not be one-sided. And I do believe that some people are in our lives as transition points. Men probably just recognize this more/sooner then women.

 

[FlowerHair]

That's what is commonly called a mother-son type of relationship.
What happens when the son is able to care for himself?

He moves out!

 

[natural2008]

You left out an integral part of the story. lol. Amy needs to sit her married arse down and worry about her marriage. Don doesn't owe her a thing.

Teeheeheehee I overheard the married part later in the conversation, I said to myself "WHAT?"

 

[natural2008]

Many men leave the women who were there for them when he had nothing because she is a reminder of where he comes from.

Hummmmm never thought about this.