Y'all I'm in need of guidance...

O

ocean74

New Member
I'm going to try to make a long story short...So If You don't understand please let me know...This is a bit painful so please bare with me...

I was in a relationship with my EX for about 8 years and I left him! Let me explain...

We were engaged for 2 of those 8 years and I called it off because I was not happy:ohwell:. The main reason I wasn't happy was because he started turning me off sexually! He use to just reach down and grab my private part and that really bothered me. Of course I told him and he would say, that's my pu,,y:perplexed ! That turned me off soooo bad! Oh did I say he only did this when he had been drinking? So I told him I can't take this bc he have no respect for me or my feelings and he said he'd work on it...Maybe 1 week would pass by and he'd try me again and then he'd try to have sex with me and my body would shut down:ohwell: I could not get in the mood for nothing so he decided he was going to TAKE SOME ARSE:wallbash: and I'd tell him if I dialed 911 they'd lock You up for attemped rape! His words was You use to sex me all the time now you won't give me none at all...Why? I told him I can't help it, my body just will not relax for you!
He paid for me to see my Dr. to find out if it was hormone issues, my Dr. tld me I was fine! So the final straw was when he actually took me against my will. I told him I was done!
I know this may sound crazy yall but for some reason I feel lost wo him? Why? Maybe bc he took care of the bills, car maintenance, etc. Now I'm on my own and don't know if I'm coming or going...

Someone please respond bc I am so tired of having this empty feeling!
 
Wow this is tough. I think it's because you were together with him for so long. It doesn't matter how you broke up but you obviously have feelings for him. It's a natural mourning we all go through when someone is no longer in your life. It gets a little better in time and eventually you'll get over him and find someone better who will treat you right
 
Wow girl you strong, because once he threaten me with rape, I would've been reporting his *** immediately. Then once he actually raped me I would've ran to the police! F breaking up, let the cops tell him while he's in cuffs!

ETA: Rape of any kind is not okay. Regardless of the situation. I hope you can make it pass this and be strong without him.
 
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Though I've never had this happen to me, I can certainly empathize...sure you miss and may feel lost without him. But please, please remember that feelings are not fact and this is just a "temporary" feeling.

Trust me, If you get back with him and involved again...his physical abuse will escalate.

Your going back would signal to him that he has your blessing to do whatever he feels.

You would then be his "Chattel".
 
Thx ladies. I'm definately not going back, it's just that I miss him sometime bc, I was just so use to him being around! Gosh, i didn't know it would be this hard!
 
I think what you are feeling is only natural. You were together for a long time and now you have to handle responsibilities he normally cared for. Even so, what he did was wrong and would only escalate had you stayed. You are in a vulnerable situation now, but you can do this.

You are stronger than you believe. It's a clicheish phrase, but so very true - time heals all wounds. Once you get through this you will look back in amazement at how you stepped up to this new chapter in your life.
 
I think it's just a natural feeling to miss someone you have history with even when they hurt you as he obviously did.

Give it time and you will get back to yourself..so hang out with friends or go out alone and get social in the meantime. ((HUGS))
 
ocean74 said:
Thx ladies. I'm definately not going back, it's just that I miss him sometime bc, I was just so use to him being around! Gosh, i didn't know it would be this hard!
Click to expand...

You miss the man he used to be. He raped you...sorry to be so blunt, but that is what happened.

Take some time out for yourself and heal. Maybe you should read "The Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship". It will only get worse.

I'm glad that you recognize this. Stay strong.
 
To say you need to leave him alone has to be the understatement of the year. I can not believe he had the nerve to send you to a doctor to be examined all because he was being perverted and overly aggressive when it came time for intercourse. Grieve, morn, repeat then move on from this sucka! I dated a guy like this once. Once I got the gist I was just a conquest, it was over. We weren't together nearly as long, but I know it hurts and is difficult to know you are about to embark on being alone again, but its better late than never to gain independence.
 
How long has it been since the break up?

If you made a list of what you miss about him, would the bill paying & being a good provider out weigh how much you love him & how good he makes you feel?
 
Thank your lucky stars that he's out of your life. He sounds very possessive sexually and like another poster said, things would only get worse. Your body was shutting down because subconsciously, your mind was tuning him out. It was over, you just didn't want to admit it. Take your time and find yourself. You will heal in time.
 
Even when a person is caraaaaaazy, when he/she becomes a part of your life and is a part of your life for so long, it's normal to feel an attachment, and then experience loss when that person is gone... EVEN if that person was the worst thing to ever happen to you.

There's some study I read that said that a person actually feels even more connected to the person IMMEDIATELY following the breakup because some kind of chemical in the brain reacts to the separation by generating warm and fuzzy feelings about the person... so that's why many women/men might struggle to quit each other cold turkey.

So your feelings are normal, BUT you have to understand that none of this means that you need to be back with this man. Eight years was waaaay too long anyway for a BF/GF relationship anyway. You're gonna have to be like a junkie going through detox... hard as hell and you will suffer, but when it's over, you will be clean.
 
It's natural to miss someone that you were in a relationship with, even if they weren't right for you. Time will pass and you will feel better. Missing him is apart of the process.
 
he sounds like a dude whose" into that stuff-rape-renactment type stuff" my thing is your not into it and you expressed it---

idk where to go with this one

wish you all the best
 
I am sorry that this happened to you. I think you should seek professional counceling. You were attacked by someone that you trusted enough to want to make a life long commitment to. He sounds like an alcoholic and may also need help but that is not your problem. Let him go andin time you will be happy again. In the next relationship maybe it would be better if you both handle the finances because it seems like he felt he owned you (maybe because he is the provider). Definetly see a professional so you don't carry this with you into your future relationships. Stay far away from this person and in away it is better you found out prior to marraige because who knows how violent he would become after you were his wife.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this. You should be very proud of yourself for leaving and you have to believe that you can and will do better. What he has done to you is unforgivable--please don't ever go back to him again.
 
Sorry that this happened to you but that feeling is only for now this too shall pass.

I went through something similar with my ex dad he used to cut my underwears off and i had to lock myself in the bathroom sometimes so i could go to sleep. i know how you feel everything will be alright
 
I am sorry that you are hurting. I went through this years ago and caved (I ended up going back to him). It was the worst mistake. :nono: It only got worse and I ended up feeling as worthless as his behavior said I was (alchoholism, rape, verbal abuse). I stayed for too many years. It took a series of God - intervening miracles to leave this man. That was over 18 years ago, and I am the happiest I've ever been!

I know it hurts, but you did the wisest thing by leaving. Please deal with the pain, but don't look back. There are so many brighter days ahead for you! :grin:
 
Just to add to what the other ladies said, it is normal to miss him. Even when someone who really meant you know good exits your life, it's normal to miss them...he was a part of your life for a long time.

For him to rape you is a serious indication of thing to come if you decide to return to him. Sounds like you no longer wanted him sexually because your mind is/was no longer into him and your body followed suit and he doesn't want to accept this.

Do you think he will get abusive (physically, sexually, etc) with you again now that you've cut him off? DO you have anyone who could watch your back?
 
I promise you what you are feeling will fade. It is normally to wonder and be anxious about how you will handle the day to day dealings of just living when someone else was there to help.

Take it from someone who knows you will get through. Keep yourself surrounded by those who will keep you encouraged, give you good advice, mentor you along the way.

May I suggest you go and get some help with the incident that took place, right now you are not even calling it rape which is the definition of what he did. I don't want you to be in a meeting or with some folks and all of a sudden it hits you full force what he did.

Keeping you in prayer, blessings to you my warrior sistah. You can and will make it.
 
You made a wise decision.

Feeling empty is natural, he was a large part of your life. You need to find other activities/friendships/families to fill the void...and use this time to heal from the relationship and learn new stuff for the next one.
 
ocean74 said:
Thx ladies. I'm definately not going back, it's just that I miss him sometime bc, I was just so use to him being around! Gosh, i didn't know it would be this hard!
Click to expand...

Yes, it will be difficult to get over him but trust me...he would make an AWFUL husband. Taking it against your will? If he's raping you and you aren't even married, he'll be raping you on the regular in a marriage. You don't want that. And, who knows what other type of abuse he is capable of? You dodged a bullet - so to speak - even though he took his liberties with you...you were given an opportunity now to have a glimpse into the kind of control issues and complete disregard he has now, before you married him. Stay running in the other direction from that one.

I am deeply sorry about what has happened. Please focus on healing and building yourself. Counseling is a MUST at this point.
 
<<<<<HUGS>>>>>Thx again Ladies! I knew I could open up to You guys...

My family and friends don't know, when they ask me why did I leave him, I just tell them things didn't work out:nono:.
 
I'm sorry you had to go through all of that!! :bighug: The feelings you have are natural because he was a part of your life for such a long time; just don't let this make you second guess yourself. ;)
 
Kerryann said:
Sorry that this happened to you but that feeling is only for now this too shall pass.

I went through something similar with my ex dad he used to cut my underwears off and i had to lock myself in the bathroom sometimes so i could go to sleep. i know how you feel everything will be alright
Click to expand...


Omgoodnesss! Ur Ex's father used to do this to u???!
 
You are stronger than you think. You were able to speak your mind and be in touch with your body and stop the pattern of abuse, which is more than most women that get sucked in abusive relationships are able to do.

Now the hard part of being financially independent and is another set of challenges, but you will succeed at that too.
 
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