Would You Tell?

[caribeandiva]

You find out that your boyfriend of 9 months is married. Through digging you find out who the wife is. Do you tell her?

I say no but my friends disagree. They say they’d wanna know if they were the wife.

 

[LostInAdream]

I say yes because I would want someone to tell me.

 

[meka72]

I voted no. When my friend and her then boyfriend were dating, I told her that my boyfriend said that her boyfriend was cheating with the caveat that my boyfriend might’ve been the cheater trying to throw me off the trail. My friend got mad at me and stopped speaking to me for awhile.

Fast forward 3-5 years, my friend is now married to the guy and his friend tells me that her husband has another woman pregnant. I kept my mouth shut. When she finally found out and I admitted that I knew about it, she got mad at me and stopped speaking to me for awhile.

Lesson learned. I keep my mouth shut.

 

[caribeandiva]

I voted no. When my friend and her then boyfriend were dating, I told her that my boyfriend said that her boyfriend was cheating with the caveat that my boyfriend might’ve been the cheater trying to throw me off the trail. My friend got mad at me and stopped speaking to me for awhile.

Fast forward 3-5 years, my friend is now married to the guy and his friend tells me that her husband has another woman pregnant. I kept my mouth shut. When she finally found out and I admitted that I knew about it, she got mad at me and stopped speaking to me for awhile.

Lesson learned. I keep my mouth shut.

So she got mad at you for telling her AND not telling her? You can’t win here.

 

[meka72]

So she got mad at you for telling her AND not telling her? You can’t win here.

Which is why I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut.

 

[mrselle]

I stay out of grown folks business. The wife probably already knows.

 

[Theresamonet]

You find out that your boyfriend of 9 months is married. Through digging you find out who the wife is. Do you tell her?

I say no but my friends disagree. They say they’d wanna know if they were the wife.

I’m not telling his wife, because I don’t want to be dragged into people’s family drama.

 

[dancinstallion]

I am telling because I would want someone to tell me. I am singing like a canary unless he is giving me tons of money and I mean more money than I can get independently.

I still go by girl code even though not many women follow it.

 

[dancinstallion]

You find out that your boyfriend of 9 months is married. Through digging you find out who the wife is. Do you tell her?

I say no but my friends disagree. They say they’d wanna know if they were the wife.

What's your reason for not telling?

 

[OhTall1]

Nope, not telling. If I find out he was married, that's enough for me. I wouldn't expend the energy into finding out who she is.

I still go by girl code even though not many women follow it.

Guess it depends on your definition of girl code. To me, girl code is reserved for friends, not random strangers.

 

[caribeandiva]

I’m not telling his wife, because I don’t want to be dragged into people’s family drama.

That’s what I said too!

 

[caribeandiva]

What's your reason for not telling?

I don’t wanna be dragged into their drama. I’ve found out what I needed to. Now I can move on with no regrets. Plus I feel like telling the wife is in a way embarrassing her.

 

[caribeandiva]

I am telling because I would want someone to tell me. I am singing like a canary unless he is giving me tons of money and I mean more money than I can get independently.

I still go by girl code even though not many women follow it.

That’s the conundrum cuz I would wanna know too if I was the wife. It’s tricky.

 

[Theresamonet]

That’s what I said too!

I don’t wanna be dragged into their drama. I’ve found out what I needed to. Now I can move on with no regrets. Plus I feel like telling the wife is in a way embarrassing her.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm not interested in looking out for anyone but myself and my loved ones. Good luck to the wife. She is not my responsibility, and I'm not sticking my neck out for this stranger. You have no idea how she'll react or how he will. Nah, I'm not getting in that drama. She gone have to find out who her husband is on her own --that's if she doesn't know already.

 

[tocktick]

My first thought was 'no' but given the relationship was 9 months, it's a difficult situation. Hypothetically speaking, I feel I'd want to know if I was the wife though — especially a relationship that went on for 9 months.

If the unintended other woman does tell, then they have to be willing to accept that they may not be believed or receive some backlash. This is why my first thought was 'no'. I think anyone in this situation who wants to inform should mitigate being on the receiving end of said backlash and just send a small hint the wife's way, briefly and plainly explaining the situation. Then leave it as that. It's enough info to tip her off, which the wife can ignore or accept as she wishes.

 

[dicapr]

I don’t wanna be dragged into their drama. I’ve found out what I needed to. Now I can move on with no regrets. Plus I feel like telling the wife is in a way embarrassing her.

Plus you don’t know how the wife will react. Next thing you know she is keying your car, calling your phone to cuss you out, trying to fight you ect.

Yes most women think they want to know but the reality is speaking up if the wife is unprepared to deal with the fallout can be more trouble than it’s worth. If you just have to tell anonymous letter is enough and keep it moving.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Plus you don’t know how the wife will react. Next thing you know she is keying your car, calling your phone to cuss you out, trying to fight you ect.

Yes most women think they want to know but the reality is speaking up if the wife is unprepared to deal with the fallout can be more trouble than it’s worth. If you just have to tell anonymous letter is enough and keep it moving.

I agree completely. His wife is his problem to deal with.
People say they would want to know but you don’t know what the wife wants to know. And you know if she takes it out on someone, it won’t be the husband. She’ll be up at your job, screaming in the parking lot about you being a home wrecker. You’ll be embarrassed and in the meantime, they’ll be back together. The only one to suffer any consequences of a mistress being revealed is the mistress.

 

[Chicoro]

The real victim is the [unknowing] girlfriend. There are countless women who have wasted their youth and beauty on a selfish, narcissistic, arrogant, controlling, immature, FAKE married man.

Now a days, you could lose your life and be killed. I say telling the wife is not worth your life energy. If that man can lie and cheat for 9 months, there is no telling what else he is capable of doing.

If he can hide a marriage for almost a year, he might be able to hide a body for even longer.

My comments are not from paranoia. I've known many a policeman. They say less than 50% of crime is solved. Most times a crime is resolved because either a: the criminal messed up or b: someone came forward with a tip.

Black women are murdered at an alarming rate. Their cases are not a priority and their cases aren't on ID TV.

Lastly, most women are murdered by someone they have known and usually it is a man they have known. Too many victims die as they had lived: being kind and trying to help someone.

I would extricate myself from the entire situation completely.That includes not saying anything to her. Telling a women RARELY is appreciated.

Signed,

#TeamTakeCareOfYourself

 

[Lylddlebit]

When I was around 22 I got hustled into a date with a man with children. He wasn't in a relationship with anyone however men with kids were a deal breaker to me and I was always honest about that even if a guy thought that I was the type whose mind he could change once I was enmeshed with him. I don't build a sexual relationship or experience romantic desire without solid trust that has been established first. The example I led with and situations like what is described in this thread is exactly why I stopped allowing dating to be a device to get to know someone and never tried the the "dating in rotation" fad, or never had casual romantic/sexual encounters. Out of sheer self-preservation, having the tools I need to make an informed decision about whoever I give access to my life to (considering the impact someone else can have on you) is valuable to any woman. No woman should be made into a mistress without her consent. However when a woman does things like date in rotation, participate in friends with benefits, have casual sex...those practices separate her from the person she is dealing with enough to be more susceptible to be fooled into something she would not have willingly agreed to and a sorry dude absolutely will pull out causally dating, being friends with benefits, not being exclusive to justify intentionally deceiving you when that the truth is men usually target women with behaviors that embed vulnerability when they want to be foul and deceive those women. It's simply prudent to be a gatekeeper of people's impact your life with a little wisdom that parallels the access level granted.

For the actual question. I usually have a mountain of proof for how hard a man pursues me. I would never seek out a wife to proactively tell this but if she asked(ie investigated on her own then was led to me), I would give her proof of her husband actions (probably a recording of voicemail or conversation showing his pursuit of me like single men persue...I am a bit of a cornball when I like someone and keep that stuff so I would definitely have proof to send that I'm innocent) and asked to be left alone.

 

[awhyley]

So she got mad at you for telling her AND not telling her? You can’t win here.

Yeah, she just wanted someone (other than her husband) to blame. OP was better off cutting that friendship off from the first break.

To answer your question though, as the "homewrecker", I wouldn't bother because the wife will probably think that I told her in order for her to pack up and leave anyways, (which hardly ever works, because so many decide to stay and 'fight' for the marriage). Whatever her friends can't/don't/won't tell her, has nothing to do with me.

[Granted, I'm team #tellthewife if I observe/stumble on the issue as a friend, but not the other woman. Easier to break it off anyways, and leave clean with less people knowing about it.]

 

[biznesswmn]

I would probably tell her the truth if she asked me, but I wouldn’t volunteer the info

ETA- I say probably, not meaning I would lie, but as opposed to not getting involved at all and not answering the question

 

[abioni]

The wife is the least of my worries, my safety is. That's how people end up missing. Like @Chicoro said, a man who can hide his wife for so many months can hide bodies too.

 

[caribeandiva]

that's if she doesn't know already.

Women’s intuition. Most of the time the wife already knows. She might be in denial about it but she knows.

 

[caribeandiva]

Plus you don’t know how the wife will react. Next thing you know she is keying your car, calling your phone to cuss you out, trying to fight you ect.

Yes most women think they want to know but the reality is speaking up if the wife is unprepared to deal with the fallout can be more trouble than it’s worth. If you just have to tell anonymous letter is enough and keep it moving.

Yep! Blaming you for stuff you’re not responsible for.

 

[caribeandiva]

I agree completely. His wife is his problem to deal with.
People say they would want to know but you don’t know what the wife wants to know. And you know if she takes it out on someone, it won’t be the husband. She’ll be up at your job, screaming in the parking lot about you being a home wrecker. You’ll be embarrassed and in the meantime, they’ll be back together. The only one to suffer any consequences of a mistress being revealed is the mistress.

Agreed! Think Monica Lewinsky

 

[caribeandiva]

The real victim is the [unknowing] girlfriend. There are countless women who have wasted their youth and beauty on a selfish, narcissistic, arrogant, controlling, immature, FAKE married man.

Now a days, you could lose your life and be killed. I say telling the wife is not worth your life energy. If that man can lie and cheat for 9 months, there is no telling what else he is capable of doing.

If he can hide a marriage for almost a year, he might be able to hide a body for even longer.

My comments are not from paranoia. I've known many a policeman. They say less than 50% of crime is solved. Most times a crime is resolved because either a: the criminal messed up or b: someone came forward with a tip.

Black women are murdered at an alarming rate. Their cases are not a priority and their cases aren't on ID TV.

Lastly, most women are murdered by someone they have known and usually it is a man they have known. Too many victims die as they had lived: being kind and trying to help someone.

I would extricate myself from the entire situation completely.That includes not saying anything to her. Telling a women RARELY is appreciated.

Signed,

#TeamTakeCareOfYourself

Excellent post!!! A man who betrays you that will betray you in every way! Safety first.

 

[caribeandiva]

answer your question though, as the "homewrecker", I wouldn't bother because the wife will probably think that I told her in order for her to pack up and leave anyways, (which hardly ever works, because so many decide to stay and 'fight' for the marriage). Whatever her friends can't/don't/won't tell her, has nothing to do with me.

Yep! The wife usually stays and blames the mistress for the whole thing. Never the one who took vows in front of God and the law next to her.

 

[caribeandiva]

I would probably tell her the truth if she asked me, but I wouldn’t volunteer the info

ETA- I say probably, not meaning I would lie, but as opposed to not getting involved at all and not answering the question

Y’all don’t run in the same circles and don’t know each other. Slim chance of running into her.

 

[caribeandiva]

The wife is the least of my worries, my safety is. That's how people end up missing. Like @Chicoro said, a man who can hide his wife for so many months can hide bodies too.

Absolutely! I’d be like: peace out! And change my locks, houses, towns, continents, etc...

 

[Ms. Tarabotti]

How are you going to tell her- call her up and say 'Hey Wifey, I'm your husbands' side chick'?

I'm not digging to see who the wife is beyond confirming that he is married. Once I know for sure, he would cease to exist for me and I'd move on.

I don't want to be an episode of Forensic Files ( the new season starts soon. ).