Would you stop seeing/dating someone who is not as educated as you?

MsSanz92

MsSanz92

Well-Known Member
Be honest ladies... Here's my situation (Sorry for the long post in advance):

I started talking to this guy a couple of weeks ago. Everything has been going great he's a true gentlemen and serious about being in a LTR with me. Mind you I'm only 20 and he is 24. I really appreciate how caring and affectionate he is to me and has treated and respected me more than any other person I've been involved with.

Here's the issue: I'm apprehensive about being with him because he's simply not on the same trajectory as me. I am a full time student about to graduate with a BA next spring, and he just started taking online classes to get his AA so he can become a police officer. Education and intelligence are something so important and vital to my whole well being, and I seek mates with similar educational attainments as myself (with a Bachelors or working towards that at the MINIMUM). He doesn't really have an interest in getting one and I plan on having my Ph.D one day. I'm scared to commit to someone like him because he's already smitten over me and said he can see himself marrying me. However, I'm afraid of committing to someone I feel like isn't or quite frankly, wants to be my educational equal or close to it.

Now I understand that I have been very privileged and blessed with GREAT opportunities, such as winning a full scholarship to one of the best independent schools in my area and going to a top liberal arts school and most people, regardless of race and class will not have the same opportunities that I have. In the same regard though, I don't want to settle. All I ask is for a man with at least a Bachelor's is that too much to ask for?? I've been in situations when I've been involved with someone who was not my educational match and it did not turn out well. Please let me know what you would do in this situation and let me know if I'm crazy to want to break things off...

I must also say, the reason why I'm so fearful of settling is because for much of my childhood my own father failed to be a good financial provider for my mother and my sisters and do not want to damn my children to such a lifestyle. I know degrees doesn't always mean more money but there is some correlation. It's not just about the degree itself but what having a Bachelor's degree represents and the whole experience around higher education which I am a huge advocate for, and would want to be with someone with the same experience.

Rant over.
 
Don't waste his time or your own then.
We all have our non-negotiables and that's yours. No need to feel guilty.

Sent from my phone-typos to be expected :)
 
You can be dumb and have a bachelors degree and you can be intelligent with no bachelors degree. So is it about the degree for you or the intelligence, because the two don't necessarily go hand in hand.
 
RocStar said:
You can be dumb and have a bachelors degree and you can be intelligent with no bachelors degree. So is it about the degree for you or the intelligence, because the two don't necessarily go hand in hand.
Click to expand...

I agree. There other deal breakers for me, but you are the one who has to live with the person / marry if that's what you want. If you look down on a person for not having the same education I think it'll be hard for you to respect them in a marriage.
 
I've done that before and I'm in the process of doing it again. I'm a PhD student and for me intelligence and education are really important. I don't have much personal experience in relationships, but from the experiences of women around me who have dated less educated men, one of three things usually happen.

1. The woman eventually gets resentful that she settled
2. The man gets resentful that she is more educated and takes every little argument as her "talking down to him"
3. The man doesn't understand her lifestyle and how much sacrifice and time she is putting into her education

To me, a degree is more than a piece of paper. It means that you have ambition and the ability to set goals, work hard and achieve them. It means you are well rounded and you've been exposed to different types of people and experiences. It's more than just the classroom learning. College expands your horizons in other ways, even more so if you are fortunate enough to attend a top university.

I've seen it work out before, but both parties genuinely need to not care about their partner's education level and it sounds like you do care.
 
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Thanks for the responses so far. It's already becoming an issue because being a full time student, working multiple jobs, volunteering, doing apps for internships, etc. means that my schedule is very busy and arbitrary. He seems to find that to be an issue, which I think is because he does not understand my college experience, especially being someone who lives on campus. He resents that I don't have specific, consistent times to talk. I've worked on it but sometimes stuff comes up in college and you just can't drop what you're doing to talk to your beau, especially if you have a term paper to hand in, or a final exam to study for. If it's an issue now, I only see it getting worse. Please keep the responses coming though.
 
RocStar said:
You can be dumb and have a bachelors degree and you can be intelligent with no bachelors degree. So is it about the degree for you or the intelligence, because the two don't necessarily go hand in hand.
Click to expand...

I say the degree. He's very intelligent; In fact the smartest people I know actually are people who don't have Bachelor's degrees (my mother being one). However, I do think having a 4 year college experience teaches and socializes you to think, act, and view the world in a certain way that I prefer. College to me is not about how smart you are, but rather the secondary and hidden curriculum you are exposed to that mean the most.
 
Only dating a couple weeks?? You're in a great position to get out now. All the worries you have now will only be magnified down the line.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
If its important to you don't settle. Point blank. Going to college is not a requirement for me, as I've dated both types of men. I have a non intimidating traditional degree/job so it's well received.
 
I say move on because you feel superior to him. You're not but that's how you feel and it won't go away anytime soon. I hope you find the kind of man you want. Don't string this man along if you feel like you're settling.
 
If it's a deal breaker, why date him in the first place (unless looking for something non serious)?

Get rid of this guy and don't date guys without degrees in the future. Job done lol.
 
Move on. If its a dealbreaker for you, then it is. Don't even bother if a guy doesn't have your min requirements.
 
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I am glad that I'm not alone in this situation! I have decided to break things off and move on but I did not tell him the actual reason why, in fear of offending him. Men do not take well to women cutting them off let's just say that!! There really isn't any way to sugar coat "you're simply not educated enough for me". Was that bad for me to do to not be fully honest in my reasoning?
 
It will not work. Move on, because it will get ugly! He will resent you and you will feel like you sold yourself short. You have to be with someone on your level! I've learned that the hard way.
 
MsSanz92 said:
I am glad that I'm not alone in this situation! I have decided to break things off and move on but I did not tell him the actual reason why, in fear of offending him. Men do not take well to women cutting them off let's just say that!! There really isn't any way to sugar coat "you're simply not educated enough for me". Was that bad for me to do to not be fully honest in my reasoning?
Click to expand...

No it wasn't. i am a firm believer that *discretion* trumps honesty. In this particular case you let him down w/o bruising his ego. If it ever comes up again tell him you feel that your goals don't match...because they don't! If he continues to push for the truth I'd tell him, because people should be careful about what they ask to hear.

Now, about you...I feel you know the right thing to do, but you feel guilty about who you are. I've been there. Just because you like men who are educated doesn't make you a bad/uppity/up on her high horse person. I am sweet on egg heads... I'm talking biologists, physicists, men in the IT field :look:. It's my thing. We are supposed to have discriminating tastes :yep:.

I dated a dude who wasn't nearly as worldly as I am. Major mistake! But now I know for sure in which circles I belong. Do you.
 
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Do what you feel is right.
This thread reminds me of the thread in the OT forum about dumping friends who are less smarter than you

Excuse the typos but i'm on my iPod touch
 
You're already feeling like the superior so move on now. Although a degree has nothing to do with intelligence, you already have your mind made up.

For me, I want a blue collar man... but they don't want me because I'm well... "worldy."
 
I tried that before and it didn't work out. I was dating someone with a AA and I was completing my Masters degree and a manager at a company. He had a blue collar job with no type of ambition or goals. It was a issue and frustrating because he just wasn't goal oriented at all and wasn't striving to be more then just what he was and we are both in our 30's. And he wanted to marry me, so yes I was EVERYTHING that he wanted, but he wasn't EVERYTHING i wanted. And then also you have to think about even though $$ isn't all that but its the #1 reason why people get divorced. And if you are on the road to higher education and a career it maybe put you in the place where you will be the bread winner and always making more money, especially since he hasn't established a career or doesnt have the ambition or goals to be more at 24, especially if you and him get married.

So if he doesn't have the ambition or the goals to strive for more in his 20's just imagine how it will be in his 30's.

Also my question would be what was he doing all this time and now that he is 24 years old and just now starting to work on a Associates degree? For the time that he was in the world he didn't realize the importance of having some type of degree in order for him to advance.

But I would just say if thats a major factor in you dating someone then just go ahead and end it now before it becomes more frustrating for you down the line.
 
yes, i expect you to be on my level or better (career, car, education, housing situation, etc). i don't see anything wrong with it. know what you want & don't settle or feel you have to rationalize it to anyone. if it's important to you, it's important to you. the end.
 
Nope. Can't do it. I've tried and I don't take the relationship seriously. So I don't date people not on my educational level anymore.:nono::nono: I refuse to settle. Neither should you. Don't feel bad.
 
bluediamond0829 said:
I tried that before and it didn't work out. I was dating someone with a AA and I was completing my Masters degree and a manager at a company. He had a blue collar job with no type of ambition or goals. It was a issue and frustrating because he just wasn't goal oriented at all and wasn't striving to be more then just what he was and we are both in our 30's. And he wanted to marry me, so yes I was EVERYTHING that he wanted, but he wasn't EVERYTHING i wanted. And then also you have to think about even though $$ isn't all that but its the #1 reason why people get divorced. And if you are on the road to higher education and a career it maybe put you in the place where you will be the bread winner and always making more money, especially since he hasn't established a career or doesnt have the ambition or goals to be more at 24, especially if you and him get married.

So if he doesn't have the ambition or the goals to strive for more in his 20's just imagine how it will be in his 30's.

Also my question would be what was he doing all this time and now that he is 24 years old and just now starting to work on a Associates degree? For the time that he was in the world he didn't realize the importance of having some type of degree in order for him to advance.

But I would just say if thats a major factor in you dating someone then just go ahead and end it now before it becomes more frustrating for you down the line.
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Thanks so much for this post this is everything I've been thinking about! You're absolutely right about marriages failing because of finances that's exactly why my parent's marriage failed. Why would I set myself up to be at risk of having the same happening to me? He's been working retail the last couple of years instead of going to school and having a career.

Sidenote: Why are so many young men going after older women to take care of them? It seems like the last couple of dudes I've been involved with either had older ex-girlfriends or the girls they started to see after me have all been older (i.e. someone who can be the "mommy" role and take care of them like children). His ex was 32 and I feel like that was the case she was the provider in the relationship. I don't respect men like that I'm very traditional and think men should be providers. :nono:

I'm glad that I made this decision, but I feel sad because I really liked him. I just don't want to settle on something like that. I am very proud of what I've accomplished already and what I want to do in the future and don't want to be with someone I feel like can't keep up or will hinder me from achieving my goals. It didn't make sense for me to be with someone who doesn't meet my criteria (Bachelor's degree, car, own apt, etc.), ESPECIALLY when I know men who are interested in me who have all of those things and are younger than him. Love and chemistry is important in a relationship, but I realized that those things don't keep a roof over your head and food on the table.
 
I wouldn't stop seeing someone without a degree. I always said my minimum was a Bachelors which is what I have but I've met some really great and intelligent guys without degrees AND were doing far better than I am/was. My current guy doesn't have a college degree but he does have a trade AND is doing very well for himself. He's very well spoken, intelligent, and is more knowledgeable than I am on quite a few things.

Now if that wasn't the case and he also didn't have a degree I would stop dealing with him so I think its on a case by case basis. I've met some dum dums with that piece of paper and I really had to question myself on requiring a Bachelors degree just to date them.
 
I have a doctorate and a masters degree...not too many fellas walking around with those credentials and so it would be impractical for me to require educational parity.

It is more reasonable to have a minimum threshold. If you decide to go get a masters degree after getting your bachelors, does that suddenly mean your mate will have to have one too?

Make sure you're focused on the right thing. It doesn't sound the guy is an ignorant slacker. He's in school and has plans for a career. It's probably natural at your age to think college is everything (because that is your world right now) but after you graduate, you'll realize that sorting people into boxes based on their academic credentials is not the best way to determine compatibility and chemistry.
 
If education is important to you then I say move on. You're both very young and will find partners that you're more equally yoked with.

It takes a certain kind of guy to marry a woman with a phd while all they have is an associates degree. It could work, but from what I've seen IRL most men get bitter and/or feel resentment.

I wish you luck!

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
I wouldn't dump him. At least he's working, and he's working towards a degree, it seems as if he's working to better himself. If he was sitting around being a lazy bum then I can see you dumping him. Give him a chance.

Suppose it was the other way around?, where you were one workings towards your degree at a later age, and you really liked a guy.. suppose he dumped you for that?.. there are plenty of women that go back to school at a later age because of different situations going on in their life at the moment.
 
sky_blu said:
Now if that wasn't the case and he also didn't have a degree I would stop dealing with him so I think its on a case by case basis. I've met some dum dums with that piece of paper and I really had to question myself on requiring a Bachelors degree just to date them.
Click to expand...

If it was the other way around, to be honest I would see someone closer to my league. It is also less of a stigma for women than men to be less educated than their partner. Yes, there are plenty of men who have degrees who are dumb as bricks, but it's not so much him not having a degree, but also that the difference in educational paths NOW has become a problem. I refuse to slow down or sacrifice my dreams for a relationship.
 
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