Would you leave your husband if.....

[daydreem2876]

I am going to cut to the chase....

Your DH is exhibiting signs of bipolar behavior. Either he will choose to get treatment or he will not. Unfortunately, there is no middle ground and you cannot make him do what he does not want to do. You can love him, pray for him, fast form him, take care of him but id HE does not address his issues, all of your efforts are in vain.

The part of your post that stands out and troubles me the most is that I am getting the vibe that he married you just to get back at you, just to mistreat you, just to make sure you hurt as badly as he did when you broke up as teens, just to make sure dont get what you want, just to break his promises after you all married... sweetie, this is psychologial abuse :hugs:. What man who is supposed to love you and be your husband under God's eye treats his wife that way?

Go to the counselor for yourself, pray, self-evaluate, and do some introspection. I know you love him but at this point what does love have to do with it?

 

[Kurlee]

OP, I really just want to give you a and I really pray that things work out for you and your family.

 

[Dak]

Reading your posts, you have a healthy approach to trying to save your marriage. There are times in a marriage that you do carry it for a while, but.... at a certain point, you have to do what's right for you and your child.

Enabling him to continue in the same way isn't healthy, especially if he keeps throwing your past at you. You don't want your child to think that's normal.

I hope he sees you're serious and gets the help he needs.

 

[prettynatural]

I considered going to counseling on my own, but I wonder if that would even work considering there wouldn't be any improvement (or effort) on his end. The mood swings are absolutely ridiculous and come out of no where. He won't talk to me for days at a time due to them and will literally treat me like ish while he's in them.

umm based on what I have read so far, he seems controlling in a sense that he is trying to take away your right to be angry at him, not speaking to you and the mood swings, manipulating your feelings trying to make you feel guilt or second guess yourself. This does not sound healthy for you. I wish you the best and please continue to pray for yourself and your marriage. Only you know when it is time to throw in the towel.

 

[prettynatural]

Yesterday he told me that he got married with the intent to never give in to me again. He feels like he gave into me when we were together before. So basically, our problems from our teenage relationship have dictated his actions in this relationship. He's so stuck on the past, that he's stifling our future. He's not without fault (in the past) and I've totally forgiven him for everything that he's done or said that hurt me and our daughter (he was even an absent father for years) and so it is mind boggling that we are still discussing things from WAAAAAAY back then. No excuse me, arguing and fighting over things from WAAAAAY back then. It's gotten to the point that he's cut off utilities, took down furniture and moved his stuff out the house....all because I broke up with him when I was 19. I mean, at what point do you get over that? And how am I supposed to keep going through that and fighting with him about it? I can't change what's already happened. He'll be the first to tell you that I've been a wonderful wife, but in that same breath will look at me sideways just thinking about something I said to him when I was 17 years old. I don't get it.

As far as the baby situation is concerned....he's for real. He's even mentioned secretly getting a vasectomy....furthermore, I have secondary infertility, so getting pregnant is more than a notion. He would totally stand in the way of any fertility treatments. In 2008, he told me I could take Clomid, then midway through me taking the pill, told me nevermind and didn't have sex with me for a while and then when he did, would pull out just in case the Clomid was still in my system. He's told me that he's not budging and I totally believe him. He's also mentioned the possibility of me getting pregnant (we don't use BC, but he knows my chances of getting pregnant naturally are slim to none) and how he'd feel about it and that it could mean that I'd end up a single mother again. What type of ish is that? I'm at the point where I don't even see a reason to hold onto this. How do you get married with the intent to NEVER give in? Marriage is all about compromise. Children and moving were the only two things. I tried compromising and said we don't have to move (since he didn't want to) and that leaves kids. Am I really supposed to just give that up too?

This almost confirms my notion, he is controlling man. He is using the past a weapon to break you down. Not giving in and not having the children is another manipulation to control. He is adamant about it. He said what he could to get you and now he want to control the situation by breaking all the deal breakers. Sounds like he is not very healthy. I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

[prettynatural]

As crazy as it sounds, the counselor told us to start from the beginning and fill him in on everything. When we did that, DH got mad again just thinking about certain things and almost blew up in the counselor's office. After that, he figured he could work on himself. It's a cyclical thing though....there's a huge blow up...we make up....then, some time later...there's a huge blow up....etc. Only the time in between the huge blow ups are getting shorter and shorter. Honestly, there's a huge blowup EVERY month consistently.

Very classic in the cycle of violence.

 

[prettynatural]

slightly off topic- Bi-polar or any mental health dx does not makes a man/woman to do CALCULATING things- i.e blow up about certain things, break and destroy YOUR things, purposely not speak to you, purposely break promises etc. That is not a manifestation of a mental illness it is an excuse.

 

[Mrs. J]

Ladies.....I'M DONE.....

 

[FlowerHair]

Ladies.....I'M DONE.....being here is not working. I'm letting go. I'm only 28 y.o. and he isn't budging and I'm done trying to make him (why I ever tried to is beyond me). I learned a myriad of lessons though, so all is not lost. I will continue to pray for him, but I have to let go. Whatever happens....happens! I'm just going to trust God and stop doing what I've been doing....cause clearly that isn't working. He claims he's going to get a place today and will be moving out by the end of the week. In the meantime, I'll have to figure out how we're going to break this to DD....she's seen so much with us that I don't think it'll be as hard as it was the first time around. erplexed

You sound determined and level headed and I wish you and your daughter the best of luck for the future.

No, all is definately not lost - we learn so much from relationships, things that we can take with us into the future.

You are young and have a whole wonderful life ahead of you!

 

[ambergirl]

I am going to cut to the chase....

Your DH is exhibiting signs of bipolar behavior. Either he will choose to get treatment or he will not. Unfortunately, there is no middle ground and you cannot make him do what he does not want to do. You can love him, pray for him, fast form him, take care of him but id HE does not address his issues, all of your efforts are in vain.

The part of your post that stands out and troubles me the most is that I am getting the vibe that he married you just to get back at you, just to mistreat you, just to make sure you hurt as badly as he did when you broke up as teens, just to make sure dont get what you want, just to break his promises after you all married... sweetie, this is psychologial abuse :hugs:. What man who is supposed to love you and be your husband under God's eye treats his wife that way?

Go to the counselor for yourself, pray, self-evaluate, and do some introspection. I know you love him but at this point what does love have to do with it?

What she said.

Whether he is diagnosably bipolar or just determined to make you suffer for past pains, there's nothing you can do to move him out of that space. He has to make that choice. His behavior is also very emotionally abusive which always scares me.

In any event, the only thing you can do in this situation is take care of you and your child. Don't be surprised if he starts singing a different tune if he sees you taking steps to leave, only you will know whether any efforts at reconciliation at this point are sincere. I'm inclined to think

Best of luck!

 

[Dak]

So sorry to hear that it hasn't worked out, Mrs. J. You can feel better in that at least you gave it your all.

 

[Guitarhero]

I had to edit after reading further. Sorry about your situation. I pray you have strength and please know there are many of us praying for you and your child. You simply didn't have a marriage, you had a piece of paper. Now that he's moving out, do not allow him to try and control you from afar. I'm not saying sign any divorce papers, just do not allow him to manipulate you any further whatever the outcome.

 

[Prudent1]

Ladies.....I'M DONE.....being here is not working. I'm letting go. I'm only 28 y.o. and he isn't budging and I'm done trying to make him (why I ever tried to is beyond me). I learned a myriad of lessons though, so all is not lost. I will continue to pray for him, but I have to let go. Whatever happens....happens! I'm just going to trust God and stop doing what I've been doing....cause clearly that isn't working. He claims he's going to get a place today and will be moving out by the end of the week. In the meantime, I'll have to figure out how we're going to break this to DD....she's seen so much with us that I don't think it'll be as hard as it was the first time around. erplexed

Mrs J ((HUGS)),
My heart breaks for you and your DD. Your words remind me of my own marriage. I was around your age at the time as well. You tried to make things work b/c you are a person of integrity. A character trait not so easily found anymore. No one can make a marriage work on their own. All is not lost. Not by far.... take your time healing. Do not make any major decisions while you emotions are running high. I finally left b/c I tried everything and wanted to honestly be able to say that to my kids and myself. I did not want them growing up thinking that mess was normal. Your DD probably is expecting some type of announcement soon anyway. Kids are never as aloof as we think they are. You have 'hit the nail on the head' - trust God. Now is the time to get in a good bible based church (if you are not already) and surround yourself by those who love you and your DD for real. A man who will never let go of the past is like someone who knows you have a wound/scab but pops by on occasion to pick the scab off just as you are about to heal. All of the points you listed in your OP are valid reasons for separation (not willing to be the spirtual leader, not wanting kids, general selfishness masked in mood swings). Keep praying your story is not over yet... wishing you God's very best.

 

[Enyo]

I'm not sure why so many people are suggesting bipolar. I am bipolar and I have not seen anything that suggests this man is ill. Bipolar is an illness of moods, not an illness of mind changing.

Lots of people change their minds about major life choices. Practicing a religion and wanting kids or not are two of the big ones. Realizing you do not want to reproduce is not bipolar. Realizing you hate church is not bipolar. If he is moody or depressed, it might be because he's not happy in his situation. I know that's harsh, but it's true. Often the situation causes depression instead of the other way around. There is a group on Facebook called "No I Am Not Bipolar! You Just P--- Me Off!". I thought it was funny because so many people try and peg a person with an uncomfortable situation as having a mood disorder.

Just trying to toss out experience and logic.

 

[ElizaBlue]

You sound like a really sweet person. He does not sound like he loves you.
Find someone who will appreciate you and love you. Hopefully your soon to be ex will be a better father than he was a husband.

 

[Enyo]

I also wanted to add that it's not good to "hope" this man has a mental illness. Bipolar is not curable, gets worse with age, causes an abnormally high suicide rate and so many other things. When I was diagnosed I was told to simplify my life. Get rid of things that trigger my episodes. That involved leaving my husband. So it may work against you. Be careful what you wish for.

 

[awhyley]

I'd be so depressed, he'd eventually leave me because I was "bringing him down!"

Don't even think like that. You're not the problem, he is.

The part of your post that stands out and troubles me the most is that I am getting the vibe that he married you just to get back at you, just to mistreat you, just to make sure you hurt as badly as he did when you broke up as teens, just to make sure dont get what you want, just to break his promises after you all married... sweetie, this is psychologial abuse :hugs:.

That's the part (@ the bolded)that I don't understand. If they were broken up, and he came back, and married her; where's the payoff of mistreating your spouse? I guess only he knows the answer to that. I'm curious as to how your family felt when you guys got back together? Did they always like him? (I'm wondering if they saw anything that you missed before you guys married).

This almost confirms my notion, he is controlling man. He is using the past a weapon to break you down. Not giving in and not having the children is another manipulation to control. He is adamant about it. He said what he could to get you and now he want to control the situation by breaking all the deal breakers. Sounds like he is not very healthy. I am sorry that you are going through this.

Exactly, he knows that bringing up the past affected you, so that's what he used and keeps using. If it wasn't that, it would be something else. You may want to hire a PI just to confirm whether or not he's cheating, (it may also help with the custody case, as emotional abuse is very difficult to prove). I wish you the best of luck with your decisions here on out, and will keep praying for you.

 

[Mis007]

Ladies.....I'M DONE.....being here is not working. I'm letting go. I'm only 28 y.o. and he isn't budging and I'm done trying to make him (why I ever tried to is beyond me). I learned a myriad of lessons though, so all is not lost. I will continue to pray for him, but I have to let go. Whatever happens....happens! I'm just going to trust God and stop doing what I've been doing....cause clearly that isn't working. He claims he's going to get a place today and will be moving out by the end of the week. In the meantime, I'll have to figure out how we're going to break this to DD....she's seen so much with us that I don't think it'll be as hard as it was the first time around. erplexed

This is for the best, you seemed to be in an abusive relationship...