Would you divorce over this...

[Fine 4s]

Stats:

Been married over 10 years
He makes 1/2 million/year
Provides very well for family
You don't work
You know he loves you and you love him
You've built your life together from the bottom up!

And...

You notice that he sent a flirtatious email to someone else. Nothing came of it but definitely out of bounds. (Can't confirm if more than one occasion has been caught like this.)

Would you leave?

 

[Lucie]

Nope. I wouldn't be pleased but I wouldn't divorce over an e-mail like that.

 

[Fine 4s]

Lucie,

OK- I think she may have caught him doing a couple of stupid things.
She doesn't think he's cheating but he's done 'stupid' ish as she puts it.
Does THAT change your mind?

I couldn't be at peace in that kind of marriage.

[random, i'm so hungry]

 

[Lucie]

@Lucie,

OK- I think she may have caught him doing a couple of stupid things.
She doesn't think he's cheating but he's done 'stupid' ish as she puts it.
Does THAT change your mind?

I couldn't be at peace in that kind of marriage.

[random, i'm so hungry]

Fine 4s

Nope. We all do stupid stuff. For him it might be sending out e-mails and for her it might be going over the budget again. Or getting baited into an argument with his female dog of a sister. When I love a person I already have a pre-forgiveness system if that makes sense. I know you will mess up and have already determined to forgive you. It doesn't mean I am cool with bad behavior but it helps me sleep better at night. And is good for my heart.

I learned a long time ago peace is what I find in the midst of turmoil and knowing that no matter what happens I will be just terrific. Nothing or no one can make/break me.

 

[faithVA]

^^I like that "pre-forgiveness". I will include that in my bag of habits

 

[Lucie]

I know this may sound stupid but maybe he did it to see if he still got it. I am not saying it is right but it does make me feel nice when a man beside my dude flirts with me. Not to say I cross over major inappropriateness but it makes me feel like I am still doing my thang, LOL! I know, bad Lucie.

 

[JudithO]

Naaaa..... This doesnt even warrant a separation... or even an argument... Maybe a conversation.

 

[DarkJoy]

Not divorce, no. But I'd be all over it and surely telling him what time it is. I would also have talks with him to pinpoint any weaknesses in the marriage that may be starting to lead him astray...

 

[natural_one]

To me there are two types of flirting, one to just see if you still got it/to make a person feel good then there is the type thats used to create an opportunity for something more. It really depends on what type of flirt her husband is, but no divorce wouldnt be a consideration.

 

[Fine 4s]

Wow! I swore ya'll would be all over this...I feel like I don't know ya'll anymore lol

@natural one
But how would you KNOW if it's not creating an opportunity for more? Does it depend on WHAT he said? I don't remember what she said she read and not sure I want to ask.

I've never been married but this would make me wonder if his eyes are wondering elsewhere. Although that's all she SAW, what if there's more and worse!?

Wow, I kinda disagree with ya'll on this one. I guess for me, I have strict boundaries. If I flirt, you will NEVER hear me SAY, TALK TO or ASK a man anything inappropriate even if it's just for fun.

DarkJoy
'Telling him what time it is' is just talk isn't it? Why wouldn't he do it again? All he'll do is be better at HIDING it.

In the end maybe divorce would be extreme but I think it would ruin my trust at the very least.

@hopeful
What do you think?

 

[LivingInPeace]

No I don't think it's worth a divorce. He may just be a flirtatious man. I wouldn't be happy about it but it's not a dealbreaker.

 

[huxtable]

You said he makes half a mill a year. There's a triple dip recession going on out here. Aint nobody going anywhere

 

[Fine 4s]

Now u talking huxtable!!!!! That's very realistic lol.
Ok, would you be at peace in the relationship? Maybe not a divorce but would you be happy knowing that from time to time your husband tests the waters? Lol

 

[huxtable]

Now u talking huxtable!!!!! That's very realistic lol.
Ok, would you be at peace in the relationship? Maybe not a divorce but would you be happy knowing that from time to time your husband tests the waters? Lol

Ok, being serious. I would not be happy at all. He is NOT supposed to test the waters he is my husband. The only thing that should matter to him is whether or not I feel he still has it, not some random woman

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

You said he makes half a mill a year. There's a triple dip recession going on out here. Aint nobody going anywhere

Ok! All the things listed in OP vs. an Email.

 

[sweetnlow06]

You said he makes half a mill a year. There's a triple dip recession going on out here. Aint nobody going anywhere

Lol!!! That is funny!!

 

[OhTall1]

Way too many missing details to be suggesting that someone start packing their bags and looking for a divorce attorney. What does "stupid ish" even mean? Is it just flirty emails? Explicit sexting? Sharing intimate details of life with the wife?

And what was the explanation when the wife actually talked to her husband? Because if they've been married that long, they should actually be talking about what's happening. If she has no interest in that conversation, then she's probably not as in love as she says she is. You're supposed to marry your best friend, and when your best friend does stupid ish, you should care enough to ask some basic questions.

 

[Fine 4s]

Way too many missing details to be suggesting that someone start packing their bags and looking for a divorce attorney. What does "stupid ish" even mean? Is it just flirty emails? Explicit sexting? Sharing intimate details of life with the wife?

And what was the explanation when the wife actually talked to her husband? Because if they've been married that long, they should actually be talking about what's happening. If she has no interest in that conversation, then she's probably not as in love as she says she is. You're supposed to marry your best friend, and when your best friend does stupid ish, you should care enough to ask some basic questions.

The context was general men convo nothing she was seeking advice about.
I have no idea what he said in the email just that she spoke to him about it, questioned why he did it and that she wasn't happy about it. I doubt it was sexting probably just flirtatious. If I ask her I'll update.

 

[hopeful]

Not enough info Fine 4s. Based on the current info, no divorce, but I would be pissed and would make him pay in some form or fashion. Dh is not a flirtatious kind of guy thank goodness, I wouldn't be able to tolerate that type of behavior on an an ongoing basis.

 

[Fine 4s]

I agree that it's not enough info but you hit it on the head...if this is an on going behavior, one that you are not aware of because he's not ACTUALLY cheating, is this OK or acceptable? It sounded (to me) that although she didn't like it, questioned it, she accepts it as him just being a man and seeing if he 'still has it' and that's all it is hence ‘stupid stuff’. She grew up with 3 men including her father who weren’t faithful but loved the women they were with (I guess you have to determine whether it’s real love or not). So for her, it's normal maybe?

 

[Lilmama1011]

I know this may sound stupid but maybe he did it to see if he still got it. I am not saying it is right but it does make me feel nice when a man beside my dude flirts with me. Not to say I cross over major inappropriateness but it makes me feel like I am still doing my thang, LOL! I know, bad Lucie.

Still got it! That's an excuse when your butt get busted. Now suppose the man or woman does give you play and wants to take it further? Most will keep it going. My ex was like that. I could smell something was up and catch it before it progressed like if he got a number and he would laugh and say " I was just seeing if I still had it". All hell broke loose that day. I don't get why people make that as an excuse. If the person you are with is still interested that's all that matters. But if your not interested in your SO break up and move on. All this to try to boost your ego ish in a relationship by other men/women should have been figured out before you got into a relationship

 

[Lilmama1011]

I wouldn't divorce. Depending on the point where in our marriage would start building a file on the ish he does and if he goes further with it file for divorce with evidence or bring it to his attention that I know and I won't tolerate being disrespected and if it happens again i will take action and hopefully this doesn't make him become a sneak because I don't want to be a snoopy wife trying to search for things.

 

[hopeful]

I agree that it's not enough info but you hit it on the head...if this is an on going behavior, one that you are not aware of because he's not ACTUALLY cheating, is this OK or acceptable? It sounded (to me) that although she didn't like it, questioned it, she accepts it as him just being a man and seeing if he 'still has it' and that's all it is hence ‘stupid stuff’. She grew up with 3 men including her father who weren’t faithful but loved the women they were with (I guess you have to determine whether it’s real love or not). So for her, it's normal maybe?

To the bolded: No! Ongoing flirting by a man in a serious relationship is not acceptable. I don't find men like this attractive. To me it's immature and very disrespectful so I would do my best to never be involved with a man like this and if I discovered he was like this he would have to change or I would have to leave.

 

[Lucie]

Still got it! That's an excuse when your butt get busted. Now suppose the man or woman does give you play and wants to take it further? Most will keep it going. My ex was like that. I could smell something was up and catch it before it progressed like if he got a number and he would laugh and say " I was just seeing if I still had it". All hell broke loose that day. I don't get why people make that as an excuse. If the person you are with is still interested that's all that matters. But if your not interested in your SO break up and move on. All this to try to boost your ego ish in a relationship by other men/women should have been figured out before you got into a relationship

@Lilmama1011

I am not making an excuse and you are free to disagree. I am a loyal woman and will not lie and say I don't feel good if a man finds me attractive. Does his opinion matter over my SO? Nope. So, I don't understand why that has to result into exchanging information or taking it where it does not need to go. I will not step over any lines or allow said-man to either. Perhaps, I did not word it well but we can agree to disagree.

 

[Fine 4s]

Exactly what I'm getting at Lilmama1011

 

[DarkJoy]

Fine 4s it would be an argument at that point. Laying down my boundary etc. divorce would be extreme, I agree.

I said it before on this forum and I will say it again:

No amount of money is worth being disrespected by any man, especially my husband who vowed to love and protect me.

If he overstepped my boundary it would be on to marriage counseling and individual therapy to figure out where this breakdown is taking place. Then divorce cuz like you, i believe it's a slippery slope until he eventually takes it too far.

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*

 

[Lilmama1011]

Fine 4s it would be an argument at that point. Laying down my boundary etc. divorce would be extreme, I agree.

I said it before on this forum and I will say it again:

No amount of money is worth being disrespected by any man, especially my husband who vowed to love and protect me.

If he overstepped my boundary it would be on to marriage counseling and individual therapy to figure out where this breakdown is taking place. Then divorce cuz like you, i believe it's a slippery slope until he eventually takes it too far.

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*

I hope when the ladies on here say they will stay because he makes a certain amount is just kidding

 

[sugarwater]

I think there needs to be a serious discussion about what are appropriate boundaries and why he seems to be lacking them.

people are very quick to divorce...

 

[pearcey]

he would've told me, so no, can't go there.

me and dh are >here<.

in the words of tony montana paraphrased, "even when we are apart, we are together, LOL"

 

[ellebelle88]

1/2 a million dollar salary a year???? OP, please tell your friend she should divorce him and then give him my number please.