Why Won't He Marry You

movingforward13

movingforward13

I do what I want...
I love me some Tony Gaskins. Upfront brother who believe in holding men accountable and teaching women how to do that. His wife is a lucky woman.

He recently posted this article and I found it interesting because most of the stuff he posted about I have heard in prior relationships. Now, I have met a man who stated his intentions upfront and I see a big difference. I personally think Mr. Gaskins is right. Here is the article- what do you think?

"
Why won't he marry you?

I received a question from a young lady who is waiting on her man to marry her. It's been a few years and she's wondering when will the proposal come.

That's a scary place to be in. You have to decide your own timeline because there are too many examples of good and bad turnouts to count statistics. I know people who have been together for over 30 years and never got married. I also know people who were together 5-10 years before they got married. I know people who were together 10 years and broke up without ever getting married.

Weigh the pro's and cons. The only benefit to long-term dating is that you get to know a person really well. The cons are endless. You can have a baby out of wedlock and have no real stability. You can have a baby and then get left and have no real stability. You can give years of your life and still not a get a ring. You can give years of your life and then get left for someone else. You can give years of your life and then get cheated on and have to watch someone else have a baby from your man before you get a ring. All of those things happen every day. You have to ask yourself is it worth it?

I'll speak for myself as a man. I married my wife after only 10 months of dating. I knew from the first 6-hour conversation we had that she was my wife. I married her at 23 years old. I wasn't ready for marriage but I knew she was the one and I didn't want to let her get away. We grew together in marriage and we built everything we have together.

It's my belief that every man who is with the woman who he truly sees as his wife will propose within 3 years. Most men who have that type of woman will propose within 12 months. I believe that if a man will date you for 3-5 years and he hasn't proposed, he passing time. You're his number one but he's open to your replacement stepping into his life. He's not ready for marriage and he's not willing to take a chance on you. He's passing time to see if he meets someone better and if he doesn't then he will give in and settle for you. It's that or he wants to make money first and become "stable." That's scary because he could leave any day and you have nothing to show for the relationship other than a broken heart.

I believe we should all have a timeline. For me, my timeline would be 12 months for a proposal. After 12 months of an exclusive and consistent relationship, if there isn't a proposal that's a red flag. Something in the relationship needs to be addressed. This doesn't apply to people under 25 years of age. If you're under 25 you really shouldn't be thinking about marriage. You really should be more focused on your dreams. My marriage is an exception to the rule. It's not the norm.

If over 25 years old, we should have an idea of what we want. If you've been in a relationship for two years and you're not engaged, y'all need to have serious conversation.

Here are the top excuses.
1. I want to be financially secure before I get married.
My response: A relationship is intended to build together. If you're both at the same financial level then you can build together from the ground up. Realistically you may never be financially stable. Also, if you become financially stable all on your own you may not feel the need to keep the same partner.

2. I want to be sure you're the right person.
My response: If you've been together for more than two years and you're still not sure, you're with the wrong person.

3. I want to make sure I've gotten "it" out of my system.
My response: Whatever "it" is will never be out of your system. You will have to learn how to control the urge to cheat, get drunk, club, do drugs, gamble or whatever "it" is. Nothing just leaves. There will always be temptation. You have to mature to the point that you can have self-control.

Those are the top 3 excuses I hear the most. I can tell you as a man, you will never feel 100% ready for marriage, because the thought of only sleeping with one woman for life scares 99.9% of men to death. If you're even 50% ready and you know you have a good woman you have to let God meet you half way and carry you. Women are wired differently. Many women feel ready for marriage as young as 18-25 but men may not feel ready until 30-40. We are made differently and we have to understand and respect that. We have to work together and find a healthy compromise.

It's time to have a talk if you've been in a relationship for 3 or more years and you're over the age of 25. It's time to get real and see what's holding up the marriage. Then make a decision. Are you willing to roll the dice and continue to wait? Or is it time to realize that you're with the wrong person? It will never be easy but life is too short to waste time.

Bless you,
Tony G."
 
This is nice. I'm in a much better place regarding this, I've been dating my wonderful guy for almost four years, but I do remember the anxiety and articles like this fed into that. I sent it to him. I wanted him to see where I was coming from with the anxiety and fears, especially as this is coming from a man who he listens to and respects.

I will say, that this wisdom is correct, but also keep in mind that we are each on our own individual path and we can't compare our road to others. Everything in God's time, not man's. And that includes Tony Gaskins. Communication is key, never settle for assumptions. Things are much better between us now that we have uncovered his issue and he has stated his intentions.
 
That is wonderful that your guy listens to Tony. I am going to introduce mine to him very soon. I think he gives wonderful and insight advice and leads by example. He has been with his wife over 10 years.
 
most relationship advice is common sense stuff. i would hope that most women were already operating on that one year timeline. i know im personally getting too old not to. in my last few relationships it was made clear from the outset that we were seeing whether we fit well enough for marriage. i never had to have the its been a year discussion because it was understood that nobody was interested in wasting their time. i think if you make it clear from the beginning this is a relationship potentially for marriage a guy isnt going to attempt to string you along.
 
I totally agree Cara- but common sense just ain't common. There are a lot of women too that let game be run on them so they get strung along.

For example, I use to be one of those women who was afraid to let a man know what I wanted. I kept quiet and assumed that they would get it. I learned in 2007 that you needed to have this discussion ahead of times. Now, it is one of the first things I mention within the first couple of dates. Not trying to run the man off but letting him know I am seeking to be married so that is what I am looking for. Then I sit back and watch how they respond to it via actions.... My current guy is the only one who genuinely responded accordingly, which is why I am willing to wait for him while he is away training.
 
i dont get into that discussion until we are talking about exclusivity. i dont think its necessary for me to get into unless hes trying to cut off my ability to explore other options. and thats exactly what i tell them. im not interested in closing off my options unless we are considering marriage otherwise there is no reason for us to date monogamously.
 
Good article. :yep: Kind of common sense though. There's no WAY I'm dating a man for more than a year w/out talk of marriage/engagement in the NEAR future. I am too old to be waiting for some man to determine if I'm "The One" after a year.... :nono:

I've always felt that men pretty much know w/in 3-6 months anyway whether or not they would want to eventually marry YOU. Some men know even sooner. :look:


movingforward13 said:
Those are the top 3 excuses I hear the most. I can tell you as a man, you will never feel 100% ready for marriage, because the thought of only sleeping with one woman for life scares 99.9% of men to death. If you're even 50% ready and you know you have a good woman you have to let God meet you half way and carry you. Women are wired differently. Many women feel ready for marriage as young as 18-25 but men may not feel ready until 30-40. We are made differently and we have to understand and respect that. We have to work together and find a healthy compromise.
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I'm sorry, maybe I'm cynical, but I think a LOT of men would be ready for marriage at ages earlier than 30/40 if so many women weren't giving up the cookie for free...... :look:

You can't tell me most men want to JUST start their life with someone at age 40, and only have 40 more years (if that) to spend w/the person.
 
movingforward13 said:
Yes Crystal, I agree----- if the cookies weren't so easily given up, more men would be looking to settle down. Cookies are EVERYWHERE.
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YES!!! Exactly! And this is why men continue to just feel like they can take their sweet bippity time playing women and stringing them along....:nono:

Now granted, there are SOME men who (for WHATEVER reason) just don't feel "ready" for marriage in their 20's and that's OKAY! They're not being a man-whore, they just haven't found that special person yet, or they know they are immature to the n'th degree and wouldn't make a good husband lol... :look: I'm not talking about THOSE guys, I'm talking about the men who just want to play the field because they know they can get free cookies everywhere and can't "stand the thought of sleeping with ONE woman for the rest of their lives" ohhhh the horror...:rolleyes:
 
I would just caution in this rush to know about the rest of your life within "12 months" that you also need work. Cookies are everywhere, I agree. And I also agree that he knows what he's about with you within at most 6 months. I even agree that this is common sense. But you have to give everyone some time and space to get there. Communicate, get on the same page but also realize that compared to a lifetime, 1 year or 2- heck even 5 years of dating is a drop in the bucket. In that time you might be surprised what you learn about yourself, what you really want out of life and if this guy is really the one for you or are you in love with an ideal.
 
I can understand 1 year....maaaaybe even 2 years, but 5 years is a LONG time. Do you know that in 5 years I could have gone to college at a 4-year University, graduated with another 4-year degree, AND have been working at my new post-college job for almost a year?? :lol: I mean.... Compared to a lifetime I agree, 5 years is not really a long time... And time DOES fly... :yep:

But 5 years sure is a long time for a man in his 30s (and even late 20's) to not know or be "ready" to make a marital commitment to one woman he's been dating for that length of time. I see what you're saying though....not everyone is "there" yet, and I know there are some people who date for 10 years and end up married. But I think the statistics get lower and lower the longer the couple waits. :ohwell:

There was this guy friend that I knew that was dating this mutual friend of mine for 5 years. They were serious about getting married, so it wasn't like they were just in la-la land....Marriage was ALWAYS the intent. Well....after 5 years of dating, they got engaged....and within 3 months they broke off their engagement! :shocked: I know a lot of friends were shocked, but I really wasn't! There were red flags from the get-go (that I tried to warn her of). Plus, I kept feeling deep down in my heart of hearts that if he had REALLY wanted to marry her from jump, he would have done it long time ago... Shoot..maybe even 2 or 3 years ago. :nono:

Again, there are always exceptions to every rule, and not every woman or situation is the same.... But I'd rather err on the side of caution. I know myself, and I'd have to cut it off and do what is right for me, especially if I WANT marriage, children, etc. Some women don't really want all of that (and that's COOL!), so they can go ahead and date the "Leo's" of the world and be just fine. But I want marriage and children sooner rather than later (if I can help it), so I can't really afford to spend too much time on a guy who doesn't know if he wants to marry me w/in a year. :ohwell: I'm not in my early 20's anymore....
 
its not gonna take me five years to figure out if someones gonna irritate me for life. also i believe that people dont change. that we have a very core disposition and temperament which all of our behaviors are expressed through. if you (general) cant figure out what that is and what to expect out of that person im going to agree with tony its because hes not right for you. either that or the person waiting for behaviors to be expressed that are not there.
 
I agree- at 30 (soon to be 31), I don't want to wait 5 years for a man to figure out if he wants me or not. If I have any more children, well my clock is pressing and I definitely am not having them out of wedlock.

I personally know men who string women along so that she "puts the time in" in order to be rewarded for her loyalty. Now I see they are just waiting to see if something better comes along.
 
I hear y'all. I'm just saying that some, if not most, of the concerns with men stringing you along etc. Can be solved with better selection in the first place. One example even mentioned tons of red flags, that I assume were there at the beginning before it was even exclusive. You can weed those dudes out within the first few dates. Let y'all tell it Kate should've thrown Prince William to the side a year after she turned 25.

I refuse to let anyone's timeline of what is "right" and proper set me up for the okie doke with a child and a divorce because of some false sense of urgency. Halle Berry had a kid at 47 -- her love life isn't the best example but the point is being 31 does not mean you have 4 years left in your life to have a child. I agree with all of the points in the article, I'm just also pointing out that rushing for some arbitrary timeline won't get you where you want to be either unless all you really want is a ring and name change.

Ok, in the interest of full disclosure: I'm a divorce attorney. From my vantage point, especially with my black clients. The marriages should've never happened but he rushed because she didn't want to wait, and there were red flags from jump. It's not a dramatic case. It was people not taking the time to know themselves, let alone how they react in certain situations as individuals let alone as someone's wife or husband. These marriages started around 27-33 for each spouse. So I fully agree with Tony that 30-40 is the magic age for men out there when it comes to settling down. It's not so much about cookies everywhere, just they mature slower than women and need time to gain context.
 
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@CaraWalker great question, I think it should take you as long as you need. You said you needed less than a year and I believe you are definitely saying that from a place of knowing yourself and what's best for you rather than some pastor or society setting a standard or expectation.

This isn't bad wisdom but I just feel a need to warn against getting caught up in Tony Gaskins timeline for when you should get married. I truly believe that things he warns against- someone wasting your time etc are evident from jump in the man you are dealing with. It shouldn't even come down to waiting on an engagement with the men in his examples or mentioned as cautionary tales.

Know yourself or be willing to grow and commit to your decisions especially in a marriage. I think it's just fair for us to realize that some people for various reasons take a little more time getting to know themselves than a strict one year rule might allow for.
 
Kimbosheart said:
I hear y'all. I'm just saying that some, if not most, of the concerns with men stringing you along etc. Can be solved with better selection in the first place. One example even mentioned tons of red flags, that I assume were there at the beginning before it was even exclusive. You can weed those dudes out within the first few dates. Let y'all tell it Kate should've thrown Prince William to the side a year after she turned 25.

I refuse to let anyone's timeline of what is "right" and proper set me up for the okie doke with a child and a divorce because of some false sense of urgency. Halle Berry had a kid at 47 -- her love life isn't the best example but the point is being 31 does not mean you have 4 years left in your life to have a child. I agree with all of the points in the article, I'm just also pointing out that rushing for some arbitrary timeline won't get you where you want to be either unless all you really want is a ring and name change.

Ok, in the interest of full disclosure: I'm a divorce attorney. From my vantage point, especially with my black clients. The marriages should've never happened but he rushed because she didn't want to wait, and there were red flags from jump. It's not a dramatic case. It was people not taking the time to know themselves, let alone how they react in certain situations as individuals let alone as someone's wife or husband. These marriages started around 27-33 for each spouse. So I fully agree with Tony that 30-40 is the magic age for men out there when it comes to settling down. It's not so much about cookies everywhere, just they mature slower than women and need time to gain context.
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For me personally- 35 is my limit. I already have children and for some reason continue to attract men with no kids. If I have anymore, I would like them before that age, which is why I date with a purpose and not to waste time. I weed guys out quicker now, like you mentioned above, and don't waste my time on people who don't know what they want. I agree with you there.

I do believe you are correct- no men should be rushed because it will result in divorce if they aren't ready. I literally just went through that.
However, I don't believe living together, having a child and joint accounts and 3 plus years is rushing. 2 weeks is rushing, 6 months is rushing.... 3+ years and getting the wife benefits isn't. There are some men that just don't want to man up.
But men should be MEN and if they aren't ready to commit because they believe better is out there, they should let the woman go. They normally don't do so because they get comfortable and don't want to lose what they have. No one can be forced down the aisle. If a man makes the decision to walk down it because he didn't want to lose her, then he must accept all that it entails. Too many grown boys out here because we aren't holding them accountable to grow up and be men.

And I personally have to say most marriages don't last for two reasons.
Selfishness- can't be selfish in a marriage but most people forget that.
Two- the infatuation wore off and the couple did not have to tools to work through the conflict and comfortable stages- communication, taking time out for the relationship, conflict resolution, etc.

For some reason the common thought is marriage is suppose to be blissfully happy all the time. Most people don't understand the stages of a relationship- I tell people often to google relationship cycles and learn about it. All relationships go through these same cycles and familiarity breed contempt. Work must be put into marriages.
Sorry to deviate. I have studied infidelity and divorce for the past two and a half years and there is so much I can talk about in the topic.
 
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movingforward13 said:
For me personally- 35 is my limit. I already have children and for some reason continue to attract men with no kids. If I have anymore, I would like them before that age, which is why I date with a purpose and not to waste time. I weed guys out quicker now, like you mentioned above, and don't waste my time on people who don't know what they want. I agree with you there.

I do believe you are correct- no men should be rushed because it will result in divorce if they aren't ready. I literally just went through that.
However, I don't believe living together, having a child and joint accounts and 3 plus years is rushing. 2 weeks is rushing, 6 months is rushing.... 3+ years and getting the wife benefits isn't. There are some men that just don't want to man up.
But men should be MEN and if they aren't ready to commit because they believe better is out there, they should let the woman go. They normally don't do so because they get comfortable and don't want to lose what they have. No one can be forced down the aisle. If a man makes the decision to walk down it because he didn't want to lose her, then he must accept all that it entails. Too many grown boys out here because we aren't holding them accountable to grow up and be men.

And I personally have to say most marriages don't last for two reasons.
Selfishness- can't be selfish in a marriage belt most people forget that.
Two- the infatuation wore off and the couple did not have to tools to work through the conflict and comfortable stages- communication, taking time out for the relationship, conflict resolution, etc.

For some reason the common thought is marriage is suppose to be blissfully happy all the time. Most people don't understand the stages of a relationship- I tell people often to google relationship cycles and learn about it. All relationships go through these same cycles and familiarity breed contempt. Work must be put into marriages.
Sorry to deviate. I have studied infidelity and divorce for the past two and a half years and there is so much I can talk about in the topic.
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Yes..... :yep: :yep: I'm the same exact way... :yep:

I understand where you're coming from @Kimbosheart , and I completely agree that there shouldn't be some set timeline on everything especially when it comes to matters of the heart/relationships, etc. I also agree that if these men need that long in order to figure out if they should be with you, then maybe those relationships should have never started in the first place and those women should have left long time ago... :look: I agree with all of that.

But I guess what MY main concern/point was is that my belief has always been that typically when a man REALLY wants something, it doesn't take him 5+ years to decide whether that "something" (whatever it is) is for him or not. IMO If you're constantly trying to hold on to something while at the same time not fully committing to it (as say in marriage), then that gives me the impression that the person is simply holding out until something "better" comes along. Because if that person REALLY wanted me, he wouldn't need 5 years to put a ring on my finger. In fact, he'd probably be too worried that a gem such as myself (which I think ALL ladies are) would be turned away and end up w/someone else.

Just think about it, when you REALLY want something (a new dress, new shoes, a discount trip, new gadget, etc), don't you usually go out and buy it if you can afford to??? Shoot, some people buy things they can't even afford! I'm not trying to liken marriage to something so minuscule as buying an item at the store, but my point is, usually when people want something they CLAIM it. They are too afraid someone else will along and get what it is they want.

Again, not every situation is the same, and I know there are some women who just aren't at that point yet in life where they want marriage, or maybe they may want to wait... I understand all of that. :yep: I too wasn't really "ready" for marriage at 23, but you best better believe that had someone really special come along that was the right person for me, I would married him in a heartbeat. :yep: In my early and mid-20s I felt like I had tons of time to worry about marriage later on down the line. And while I'm not "ancient", and I know women get married and have children all into their 30's and 40s' and BEYOND, for ME personally, if I had a CHOICE...I wouldn't want to wait until I'm 40-something to have my FIRST marriage or my first child. That's just me. Now if it so happens that life deals me a certain hand and I don't find anyone to date seriously until I'm 45, well then so be it! I'll make do and I'll manage just staying single well into my 40's. :yep: But at the same time I'm not going to be wasting my time on a guy for 5 years when I'm in my 30's. :nono: I'm too old for that. Now if I were 25 okay maybe... But in my 30's?? Naaaah... I just personally can't do it.
 
Lol, I ain't got the answers Sway.

Let's clarify a few discussion points though. I'm not talking about:
1. a live-in/shacking up/joint account 3 -5 years,
2. out-of-wedlock kids
3. 3-5 years before mentioning marriage and determining where the relationship is headed
4. A man who is not proclaiming to the world that he is your man and you are his woman, even in the limited capacity of a non married relationship.

If you are in any of those situations hoping for a ring, then by all means you need extra help and this article should just be a tipping point of realization for you.

I guess, Im talking about 2 adults who have discussed the issue and determined that there are other priorities at the moment before starting a marriage. Trusting the man who will be in your life forever and father your children that when he says he will do something that he will. Before you decide to be in the relationship and observe him over time and decide if you want to accept his proposal you should've already vetted if he's a trustworthy, honest man, who also wants to marry you.

The rest is fear. The fear that goes both ways. Something "better" could come along for both of us. But the ring doesn't stop that from happening. Divorces are a lucrative business.
 
I might be royally screwed in my relationship but we're not at year 1.
He was married before and seems to have the been-there-done-that, might-do-it-again-but-I-ain't-rushing mentality.
 
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Great dialogue ladies. Yes I do believe that we should not be pressured by timelines. But we need to have our own internal (this is for the birds!) timeline o meter go off in our heads when we see a guy isn't crazy about us and wanting to make it permanent. That of course is given that you're dating him for months (Because I believe in filtering and if he isn't marriage material, out
the door he goes quickly.

However I think most women's problem is just the opposite: no timeline in mind. Basically blindly going through dating hoping it will "land" with the right guy and not wanting to "pressure" him. Meanwhile who is thinking about them? No one. We read all these books with info from people including the man above and solicit all this advice, and we try and try to understand and think about a man's perspective. Meanwhile they aren't thinking of ours, only what they want....at least not about the subject of marriage.

I don't see "How to Propose to her" or "How to seal the deal and get her to say yes" or "How to be an excellent husband and Faithful Provider" on the cover of their magazines. But I see "Proposal Chicken" (I kid you not there was an article about legendary chicken that women cook and it gets their man to propose), etc on the covers of our magazines and books. So with that said we are the ones tip toeing around (sometimes) wanting marriage but not wanting to pressure some dude while trying to hope he catches on. PLEASE. I'm not into pressure but I'm certainly into filtering. And this is coming from someone who was engaged last year and pulled the plug. I'm not advocating marrying just anyone and I'm not trying to force any timeline. But I do believe in marriage and finding the right guy for me (and not wasting time doing ).

The wait and see sort of way after a certain time point to me is not something I'm willing to do .The reason? people are full of it at times. Some men mean well or think they mean what they say but aren't diving in the water because of whatever reason and just won't in the end...and now you've wasted five years. Waiting five years before you leave every guy will have you dating three men and blinking and it's fifteen years later. I'm not about that life. And that's not because of some "reasonable time frame" but because of simply biology. A man wants to claim and protect that which he desires. It's telling when a man doesn't want to do this. At least to me. Again there are exceptions but they are few and far between in my opinion (after a man reaches a reasonable age).

Actions matter more than words. Most men will show you right away if they are interested in marrying you months not years. It will be completely obvious.
 
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CaraWalker said:
its not about an arbitrary timeline. how long do you think it should take someone to decide whether or not they choose someone?
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It's up to the individual and that's why it is imperative to discuss these things upfront. It's really not cut and dry or set in stone.
 
i agree..i dont think it takes yrs to figure out if you want to marry someone, divorces are not caused by the time it took to get married, you could be married to someone for 20 yrs and then a bruce jenner happens so....:rolleyes:

when a man knows he knows, i like when ppl are certain and concise with their decision making...you've known me for a yr and still unsure...no problem would have to sashay over to the next guy...lol:look:


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MuziqizLyfe said:
I will never understand what it takes years to figure out... seems to me if it takes that long for an adult to know if they want to marry a person they are already functioning as a couple with, they need to reevaluate whether they are ready for marriage or not.
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luckiestdestiny said:
Great dialogue ladies. Yes I do believe that we should not be pressured by timelines. But we need to have our own internal (this is for the birds!) timeline o meter go off in our heads when we see a guy isn't crazy about us and wanting to make it permanent. That of course is given that you're dating him for months (Because I believe in filtering and if he isn't marriage material, out
the door he goes quickly.

However I think most women's problem is just the opposite: no timeline in mind. Basically blindly going through dating hoping it will "land" with the right guy and not wanting to "pressure" him. Meanwhile who is thinking about them? No one. We read all these books with info from people including the man above and solicit all this advice, and we try and try to understand and think about a man's perspective. Meanwhile they aren't thinking of ours, only what they want....at least not about the subject of marriage.

I don't see "How to Propose to her" or "How to seal the deal and get her to say yes" or "How to be an excellent husband and Faithful Provider" on the cover of their magazines. But I see "Proposal Chicken" (I kid you not there was an article about legendary chicken that women cook and it gets their man to propose), etc on the covers of our magazines and books. So with that said we are the ones tip toeing around (sometimes) wanting marriage but not wanting to pressure some dude while trying to hope he catches on. PLEASE. I'm not into pressure but I'm certainly into filtering. And this is coming from someone who was engaged last year and pulled the plug. I'm not advocating marrying just anyone and I'm not trying to force any timeline. But I do believe in marriage and finding the right guy for me (and not wasting time doing ).

The wait and see sort of way after a certain time point to me is not something I'm willing to do .The reason? people are full of it at times. Some men mean well or think they mean what they say but aren't diving in the water because of whatever reason and just won't in the end...and now you've wasted five years. Waiting five years before you leave every guy will have you dating three men and blinking and it's fifteen years later. I'm not about that life. And that's not because of some "reasonable time frame" but because of simply biology. A man wants to claim and protect that which he desires. It's telling when a man doesn't want to do this. At least to me. Again there are exceptions but they are few and far between in my opinion (after a man reaches a reasonable age).

Actions matter more than words. Most men will show you right away if they are interested in marrying you months not years. It will be completely obvious.
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EXACTLY!!!!! I can't believe those silly articles made for women lol! :lol:

I also think that some women have been conditioned to not want to rustle up the feathers, so they barely bring up the M word, and they just sit patiently waiting for the man to be "ready", but in reality that might be doing the woman more of a disservice than anything. Now if you're a woman who doesn't want marriage and you're content just living together or dating, then that's DIFFERENT. I'm not talking about those women. I'm taking about women who really WANT to be married, and who want a commitment.

It would be better for the woman to pull the man to the side and tell him that she doesn't think this relationship is really working out for her, because she knows that deep down she wants marriage, a family, and a true commitment with a man, than to just wait and wait and wait......

It may sound harsh but I think that certainly by 2 years of dating you should know whether you want to marry me or not. And if the guy doesn't know, and there's no valid reason why not, I'm sorry but I'd have to let him go. Sometimes it's actually the act of letting a guy GO that makes him come to realize that he can't live his life without you! But if you're just sitting there Seemingly happy as a clam while he wastes your most eligible and fertile years in a 5-year time span, well then.... what would make him change?

But see I'm of the mind set that if I have to leave anyway for you to realize that you want me, then maybe you didn't really want me hard enough in the first place. I just honestly think that when a man is in love, he doesn't waste any time! I've been literally SHOCKED at all of the nice, romantic things a man can do for a woman when he's REALLY into her......I mean, it's mind-boggling! Why settle for less??
 
luckiestdestiny said:
Actions matter more than words. Most men will show you right away if they are interested in marrying you months not years. It will be completely obvious.
Click to expand...

the thing is it's like night and day dating a man who actively KNOWS he wants to be with you and a man who doesnt. i have dated men that got on my nerves they wanted to be with me and around me so much. i couldnt go from seeing men behave that way to being in a relationship with a guy im constantly having to call first, ask if he wants to get together, etc., and not think something is wrong.

i generally go by the rule that a maybe is a no. i could end up in a lot of time wasting ******** scenarios if i "maybe" a guy's behavior to try to make it favorable. you could "maybe" anything and talk yourself into the justification you are looking for.

im sensitive on this subject because it was a hard lesson for me that guys WILL seriously date a woman they are just lukewarm about. they WILL lock it down while thinking and hoping a better woman will come along. i used to think a guy wouldn't bother unless he really adored you and wanted to be with you but that is not always the case. some guys have a lot of issues with self esteem and some guys just cant be alone. so now i am very sensitive to only being with someone who REALLY ACTUALLY wants to be with me. youre not going to waste my time while youre waiting for the tradeup.
 
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