ITA with the bolded. Ideally, I would like a relationship where I can be 100% me and he can be 100% himself and we just fit together without all the rules, games, expectations and consequent disappointments that come into play in "normal" relationships. Saying "I love you" shouldn't come with the hidden strings attached that they need to love you back or else your world is over.
Co-signing
Italicized to me is radical unconditional love...
THAT and the bolded is what I have to believe is there for me.....to be freely me...
unencumbered by the world or gender cultural expectation
but that the man and I have created our own culture..that allows a mature
mutually realized deeply caring relationship..to where both people want,support
and are ready to risk...what's more...encourages each other to risk.
so that they truly rejoice..when one ..it won't matter who ..says I love you
it's powerful and magical and transformative with beauty of responsbility.
Caring has a reached a level of mutual depth respect and trust and honesty..
that makes this possible
I like to think real love is not about hedging one's bets..or trying to save face...
or dignity....I think love transcends appearances and goes right to the heart
I believe..imho..that's out there for me....for anyone
if one is truly open and ready to receive that level
of loving
So, the article actually is saying why women should not say I love you first, and the shyness part was the op's question. As far as shyness goes, personally, I'm inclined to think that if a man is too shy to tell me something as meaningful and necessary to hear as "I love you," then, well, he needs to get some courage. The same thing with men who are apparently too shy to ask you out. Maybe shyness is the deal sometimes, but even if it is, do you really want someone who is going to be relying on you to make the first move all the time because, essentially, they're too afraid to take the risk? Or because they can't articulate their feelings well enough? It might be kind of cute at first, but longterm?
But, there was someting in the actual article that I thought was interesting:
And the truth is, it often takes men longer to get there than it does for women. Men process their emotions more slowly, they're usually more cautious about taking their feelings and relationships to the next level.
True or false? I've generally thought the above was true, but a lot of people will say that it is men who fall head over heels first (and/or immediately) and want to be quick to say they've found the one, etc., but it's women who take more time to really come to love the man they're with--but then men will change their mind and cool off quickly, where the woman was just starting to have deep feelings toward him.
What do you all think?
I get that ppl feel when your passed a certain level in a relationship- one should be less focused on saving face- but to me, this isn't so much about saving face, or maintaining pride. It's more about maintaining and protecting ourselves as women. I feel we dish out too much too quickly way too often, and are subsequently burned. Now, I understand that some of that is just a part of love- it's a risk and an investment, and you have to be prepared to not see a return on your investment sometimes. However, more often than not, women do not handle a lack of reciprocity well when it comes to that powerful expression. Some women may, but many women can be hurt pretty deeply if she says it, and he doesn't feel it or say it until a month later. If you feel it, why not just let him express it. Give him the time to feel that for you?
If you "sensed" based on the deep connection you have with said man that it's time to say I love you great. But there's such a thing as unrequitted love. If you two are on that level, why hasn't he said it yet? You know in your heart you feel it, why not let him come to that on his own?
Brava lady. I don't really subscribe to the shyness thing. Even the shyest, most awkward of men will make that first step when they really like a woman (be that making te first step in approaching or saying those words...). So when some women jump the gun in this air of new age liberation, I see it as less of a "feminist movement" thing and more of a misguided attempt to achieve something before it's due course. I plan on my "one" being the head of the house and of our affairs (home, businesses, etc) he's gonna have to show and prove he's the man (brave, strong, confident, stable) and worthy of me yielding and submitting. Being reserved and quiet is one thing. Being too shy to move forward or too shy, bashful to make important steps is not cool.
I generally agree with that
I say what I feel, and given my experience it is reciprocated.
It's not just a phrase to me. It means much more and is usually said to the person I know shares the same feelings or has acted in a manner to indicate such.
Men are not that shy.
So what if he loves you but is too shy to say it and you feel the same way but your waiting on him and something happens to either one of you? Would you still feel the same way about waiting for him to say it? Life is too short.
I say what I feel, and given my experience it is reciprocated.
It's not just a phrase to me. It means much more and is usually said to the person I know shares the same feelings or has acted in a manner to indicate such.
Thats the whole point...tomorrow isn't promised so I'd rather tell him than not and then wonder what could've happened. Im too old to be playing the waiting game or any games period.[B] And I don't need him to say it back for him to say it back because that's not why I would tell him.[/B] I would just want him to know. There have been times where I lost family and I didn't get to tell them I love them before they passed away and I will never have that chance again. Whether they knew it or not I would want the satisfaction of knowing that I told them. Sometimes people are more touched by words than actions and sometimes its the opposite way. Again, life is just too short.
amenFor what it's worth, out of the mouth of a man: He said it doesn't matter who says I love you first
if i truly feel it, he will know it
and he won't forget it
My experience is the latter thing you said. I've never met these slow-moving cautious men everybody talks about. Men have usually been very into me right off the bat, or NOT into me at all. All of the "I love you"s that I've heard, have come within a few dates, weeks or at most a couple of months. One guy who said he loved me after the 3rd / 4th date, cooled off on me a about six months down the line, when my love for him was really starting to blossom. (He did come back asking to try again a year later, but that's another story.)But, there was someting in the actual article that I thought was interesting:
And the truth is, it often takes men longer to get there than it does for women. Men process their emotions more slowly, they're usually more cautious about taking their feelings and relationships to the next level.
True or false? I've generally thought the above was true, but a lot of people will say that it is men who fall head over heels first (and/or immediately) and want to be quick to say they've found the one, etc., but it's women who take more time to really come to love the man they're with--but then men will change their mind and cool off quickly, where the woman was just starting to have deep feelings toward him.
What do you all think?
We will always find excuses for their behavior. You better be quiet before we run the men off.
ETA: I think there's only about 25 of them on earth.
Thats the whole point...tomorrow isn't promised so I'd rather tell him than not and then wonder what could've happened. Im too old to be playing the waiting game or any games period. And I don't need him to say it back for him to say it back because that's not why I would tell him. I would just want him to know. There have been times where I lost family and I didn't get to tell them I love them before they passed away and I will never have that chance again. Whether they knew it or not I would want the satisfaction of knowing that I told them. Sometimes people are more touched by words than actions and sometimes its the opposite way. Again, life is just too short.
ITA, I was almost first to tell my honey I loved him before I finished the Love word the same words were leaving his lips, after that he told me he has always loved me and just didn't know where to start or what to say.
I don't think this has anything to do with pride, women's empowerment, tradition, or anything else...
It about how to be successful in the dating/relationships game, and they are very tricky. There are just certain things one can do improve their chances of landing and keeping a man...
and there are things one can do to completely ruin it. It's called dating smart, and women need to start learning how to do this instead of ending up confused with a face like saying "What happened? what did I do?"
Men have a right to be afraid, too. Commitment is like an invisible contract, where one can lose a lot (and end up with a broken heart too) if things don't work out.
I recommend for reading You Lost Him at Hello by Jess McCann. I have it, I've read it, and it makes total sense. It's all about dating SMART ladies, so don't let the word "game" make you feel like you're playing any, you're not. It's a shame when a good woman can't land a good man because her tactics are all wrong. Learn rules such as this "Don't say ILY 1st" one (which McCann mentions in her book) and dating/relationships should become MUCH easier for you.
I'm VA, but I'm thinking about coming up there on January 3rd for one little ole day. It's sad because they fill the younger ladies heads up with a lbunch of crap and that's why we have the problems we have today. More than likely Tyrone won't be wifing up a First Date Giving up the Pantie Drawers Giver. I'm sure some will come in and say they were wifed up, but that type of behavior has caused a lot of problems in our community. Our stats for single parents, STD's and men getting tail by the pound wasn't this high when we had rules once upon a time.
So how come we never see you at dc meetings?