Why women shouldn't say "I Love You" first...

ITA with the bolded. Ideally, I would like a relationship where I can be 100% me and he can be 100% himself and we just fit together without all the rules, games, expectations and consequent disappointments that come into play in "normal" relationships. Saying "I love you" shouldn't come with the hidden strings attached that they need to love you back or else your world is over.
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Co-signing :)

Italicized to me is radical unconditional love...

THAT and the bolded is what I have to believe is there for me.....to be freely me...
unencumbered by the world or gender cultural expectation
but that the man and I have created our own culture..that allows a mature
mutually realized deeply caring relationship..to where both people want,support
and are ready to risk...what's more...encourages each other to risk.
so that they truly rejoice..when one ..it won't matter who ..says I love you
it's powerful and magical and transformative with beauty of responsbility.
Caring has a reached a level of mutual depth respect and trust and honesty..
that makes this possible
I like to think real love is not about hedging one's bets..or trying to save face...
or dignity....I think love transcends appearances and goes right to the heart
I believe..imho..that's out there for me....for anyone
if one is truly open and ready to receive that level
of loving
 
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kayte said:
Co-signing :)

Italicized to me is radical unconditional love...

THAT and the bolded is what I have to believe is there for me.....to be freely me...
unencumbered by the world or gender cultural expectation
but that the man and I have created our own culture..that allows a mature
mutually realized deeply caring relationship..to where both people want,support
and are ready to risk...what's more...encourages each other to risk.
so that they truly rejoice..when one ..it won't matter who ..says I love you
it's powerful and magical and transformative with beauty of responsbility.
Caring has a reached a level of mutual depth respect and trust and honesty..
that makes this possible
I like to think real love is not about hedging one's bets..or trying to save face...
or dignity....I think love transcends appearances and goes right to the heart
I believe..imho..that's out there for me....for anyone
if one is truly open and ready to receive that level
of loving
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I agree 100%
 
So basically if you wanted to break up a relationship, you could just scare him away by saying you loved him first.

I might try that,lol.
 
I get that ppl feel when your passed a certain level in a relationship- one should be less focused on saving face- but to me, this isn't so much about saving face, or maintaining pride. It's more about maintaining and protecting ourselves as women. I feel we dish out too much too quickly way too often, and are subsequently burned. Now, I understand that some of that is just a part of love- it's a risk and an investment, and you have to be prepared to not see a return on your investment sometimes. However, more often than not, women do not handle a lack of reciprocity well when it comes to that powerful expression. Some women may, but many women can be hurt pretty deeply if she says it, and he doesn't feel it or say it until a month later. If you feel it, why not just let him express it. Give him the time to feel that for you?

If you "sensed" based on the deep connection you have with said man that it's time to say I love you great. But there's such a thing as unrequitted love. If you two are on that level, why hasn't he said it yet? You know in your heart you feel it, why not let him come to that on his own?

nicola.kirwan said:
So, the article actually is saying why women should not say I love you first, and the shyness part was the op's question. As far as shyness goes, personally, I'm inclined to think that if a man is too shy to tell me something as meaningful and necessary to hear as "I love you," then, well, he needs to get some courage. The same thing with men who are apparently too shy to ask you out. Maybe shyness is the deal sometimes, but even if it is, do you really want someone who is going to be relying on you to make the first move all the time because, essentially, they're too afraid to take the risk? Or because they can't articulate their feelings well enough? It might be kind of cute at first, but longterm? :nono:
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Brava lady. :yep: I don't really subscribe to the shyness thing. Even the shyest, most awkward of men will make that first step when they really like a woman (be that making te first step in approaching or saying those words...). So when some women jump the gun in this air of new age liberation, I see it as less of a "feminist movement" thing and more of a misguided attempt to achieve something before it's due course. I plan on my "one" being the head of the house and of our affairs (home, businesses, etc) he's gonna have to show and prove he's the man (brave, strong, confident, stable) and worthy of me yielding and submitting. Being reserved and quiet is one thing. Being too shy to move forward or too shy, bashful to make important steps is not cool.


nicola.kirwan said:
But, there was someting in the actual article that I thought was interesting:
And the truth is, it often takes men longer to get there than it does for women. Men process their emotions more slowly, they're usually more cautious about taking their feelings and relationships to the next level.
True or false? I've generally thought the above was true, but a lot of people will say that it is men who fall head over heels first (and/or immediately) and want to be quick to say they've found the one, etc., but it's women who take more time to really come to love the man they're with--but then men will change their mind and cool off quickly, where the woman was just starting to have deep feelings toward him.

What do you all think?
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I generally agree with that :yep:
 
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amara11 said:
I get that ppl feel when your passed a certain level in a relationship- one should be less focused on saving face- but to me, this isn't so much about saving face, or maintaining pride. It's more about maintaining and protecting ourselves as women. I feel we dish out too much too quickly way too often, and are subsequently burned. Now, I understand that some of that is just a part of love- it's a risk and an investment, and you have to be prepared to not see a return on your investment sometimes. However, more often than not, women do not handle a lack of reciprocity well when it comes to that powerful expression. Some women may, but many women can be hurt pretty deeply if she says it, and he doesn't feel it or say it until a month later. If you feel it, why not just let him express it. Give him the time to feel that for you?

If you "sensed" based on the deep connection you have with said man that it's time to say I love you great. But there's such a thing as unrequitted love. If you two are on that level, why hasn't he said it yet? You know in your heart you feel it, why not let him come to that on his own?



Brava lady. :yep: I don't really subscribe to the shyness thing. Even the shyest, most awkward of men will make that first step when they really like a woman (be that making te first step in approaching or saying those words...). So when some women jump the gun in this air of new age liberation, I see it as less of a "feminist movement" thing and more of a misguided attempt to achieve something before it's due course. I plan on my "one" being the head of the house and of our affairs (home, businesses, etc) he's gonna have to show and prove he's the man (brave, strong, confident, stable) and worthy of me yielding and submitting. Being reserved and quiet is one thing. Being too shy to move forward or too shy, bashful to make important steps is not cool.




I generally agree with that :yep:
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This is a good post! :yep:
 
I did it once before and it turned out fine. I think that it really depends on the person. the first time a guy told me that he loved me we'd been together almost a year and all I could say was "aww that's sweet thank you" because images of white picket fences and crying babies took my brain over and I freaked out. But when I said it first. The guy started to freak out too but I managed to explain that I didn't expect to hear it back or anything before things went too far
 
So what if he loves you but is too shy to say it and you feel the same way but your waiting on him and something happens to either one of you? Would you still feel the same way about waiting for him to say it? Life is too short.
 
sky_blu said:
So what if he loves you but is too shy to say it and you feel the same way but your waiting on him and something happens to either one of you? Would you still feel the same way about waiting for him to say it? Life is too short.
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Personally, I say, if you snooze, you lose.

If he's too "shy" to say he loves me, then that's his loss. I'll find someone who won't have a problem doing it.

And it would suck if something happens to one of us, but that's life... he should make the move when you have a chance because tomorrow is never promised...
 
Thats the whole point...tomorrow isn't promised so I'd rather tell him than not and then wonder what could've happened. Im too old to be playing the waiting game or any games period. And I don't need him to say it back for him to say it back because that's not why I would tell him. I would just want him to know. There have been times where I lost family and I didn't get to tell them I love them before they passed away and I will never have that chance again. Whether they knew it or not I would want the satisfaction of knowing that I told them. Sometimes people are more touched by words than actions and sometimes its the opposite way. Again, life is just too short.
 
For what it's worth, out of the mouth of a man: He said it doesn't matter who says I love you first and the reason a lot of men won't say it is not because they don't love the woman, but out of pride. Saying "I love you" is the ultimate act of showing your emotions and men don't want to appear soft or vulnerable. So they keep their mouths shut out of fear, embarrassment or feeling ashamed. It is hard for men to swallow their pride and say those three words.
 
Rastafarai said:
I say what I feel, and given my experience it is reciprocated.

It's not just a phrase to me. It means much more and is usually said to the person I know shares the same feelings or has acted in a manner to indicate such.
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Exactly. I hate all these articles that say what you should or shouldn't do and when you should or shouldn't do it.

I do agree that you should not rush the words because you don't want to say it before its true. Every relationship is unique. What I tell people they should do is: . . . forget everything everyone says including me and be quiet, be honest, assess the situation and listen to yourself.

If you are scared he is going to do something stupid if you say it first then you might want to revisit what type of person you think he is or whether or not you truly love him.

I said it first. This was after giving it a lot of thought about whether or not I truly loved him and deciding on what I think love is. When my own answer was . . . duh, of course you love him then I told him.

He didn't immediately respond. But I didn't leave a big pause waiting for him to say it. I didn't want him to say it then and there because I didn't want a knee jerk response. His actions said he loved me (this guy got down on his knees to scrub out my refrigerator . . after helping me to move so I could leave the place tidy like I promised) so I wasn't worried.

When he was ready he said it back. I wasn't surprised. We got married and here we are.

I really wish they would teach women to have respect for themselves and learn to love themselves before even worrying about loving someone else.
 
i dunno
...'women not handling lack of reciprocity or why shouldn't he say it first'
imho..this frankly reads more like "fear" than...love

more like a mind mechanism..than say a heart rendering
What is being lost sight of is ..is LOVE itself..

if the concern has narrowed down to keeping score ...
and fending for one's self..that is not my def of love
yes guard your heart...but being taken advantage of
and if one is in danger of that...
then that is NOT a mutually loving relationship......anyway
that's an exploitative relationship and it absolutely makes sense to be guarded... if that is where one has chosen to be


my definition of love comes from the bible
Corinthians 13..is an awesome treatise on this subject
and also "there is no fear in perfect love"
and the b/w movie The Women
when Paulette Goddard adjusts her bathrobe, puts her hands on her hips
and throws back her head and says
Love aint ashamed of nuthin:lachen:
and I love that Ruth uncovered Boaz's feet and laid her claim...
at a woman elder's...her surrogate mother's...her mother-in-law's advice

I'm not advocating which gender ought to go first ..or last
freedom really....

merely that a man and woman inspire and support and encourage and celebrate WHOEVER SAYS IT in relationship..
merely that there is the FREEDOM to revel in LOVE whoever says without expectation/retribution
just profound gratitude and joy
....that to me is love and that is power

the thought of man fearing being emasculated or female fretting
about reciprocity..in who says it first
possibly not... love..imho..

& I readily acknowledge ..that the kind of man I envision as lifetime partner
is not going to fit into anybody's formula...
...he'd have to be a highly unusual kind of man...to begin with
but...hey..I would not consider less

For the record men say it first all the time..to me
right now one is using the L word..
I'm like...give it a rest..dude :yawn:

it doesn't neccesarily mean jack
or lol..jill
 
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I don't think the "he's too shy to say it" argument really holds much water. I know a lot of men who are very shy when it comes to women, but these men are usually too shy to approach the girl to ask them out in the first place.

However, when they do end up in a relationship they don't have a problem saying "I love you" because they are so happy to have someone that they are very affectionate.
 
Thats the whole point...tomorrow isn't promised so I'd rather tell him than not and then wonder what could've happened. Im too old to be playing the waiting game or any games period.[B] And I don't need him to say it back for him to say it back because that's not why I would tell him.[/B] I would just want him to know. There have been times where I lost family and I didn't get to tell them I love them before they passed away and I will never have that chance again. Whether they knew it or not I would want the satisfaction of knowing that I told them. Sometimes people are more touched by words than actions and sometimes its the opposite way. Again, life is just too short.
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wow
co-signing~~

For what it's worth, out of the mouth of a man: He said it doesn't matter who says I love you first
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amen
if i truly feel it, he will know it

and he won't forget it
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this is so..............beautiful
 
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I guess I just feel, if a man can't handle me saying I him first, what can he handle....
If he's that scared me me, that's a sign that it's time for me to go.


Now normally, I won't be the first one to say I love him because I am pretty cautious, but this article has caused me to rethink everything.
 
nicola.kirwan said:
But, there was someting in the actual article that I thought was interesting:

And the truth is, it often takes men longer to get there than it does for women. Men process their emotions more slowly, they're usually more cautious about taking their feelings and relationships to the next level.

True or false? I've generally thought the above was true, but a lot of people will say that it is men who fall head over heels first (and/or immediately) and want to be quick to say they've found the one, etc., but it's women who take more time to really come to love the man they're with--but then men will change their mind and cool off quickly, where the woman was just starting to have deep feelings toward him.

What do you all think?
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My experience is the latter thing you said. I've never met these slow-moving cautious men everybody talks about. Men have usually been very into me right off the bat, or NOT into me at all. All of the "I love you"s that I've heard, have come within a few dates, weeks or at most a couple of months. One guy who said he loved me after the 3rd / 4th date, cooled off on me a about six months down the line, when my love for him was really starting to blossom. (He did come back asking to try again a year later, but that's another story.)
 
sky_blu said:
Thats the whole point...tomorrow isn't promised so I'd rather tell him than not and then wonder what could've happened. Im too old to be playing the waiting game or any games period. And I don't need him to say it back for him to say it back because that's not why I would tell him. I would just want him to know. There have been times where I lost family and I didn't get to tell them I love them before they passed away and I will never have that chance again. Whether they knew it or not I would want the satisfaction of knowing that I told them. Sometimes people are more touched by words than actions and sometimes its the opposite way. Again, life is just too short.
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ITA, I was almost first to tell my honey I loved him before I finished the Love word the same words were leaving his lips, after that he told me he has always loved me and just didn't know where to start or what to say.
 
That's very sweet.

Shonni said:
ITA, I was almost first to tell my honey I loved him before I finished the Love word the same words were leaving his lips, after that he told me he has always loved me and just didn't know where to start or what to say.
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I don't think this has anything to do with pride, women's empowerment, tradition, or anything else...

It about how to be successful in the dating/relationships game, and they are very tricky. There are just certain things one can do improve their chances of landing and keeping a man...
and there are things one can do to completely ruin it. It's called dating smart, and women need to start learning how to do this instead of ending up confused with a face like :eek: saying "What happened? what did I do?"
Men have a right to be afraid, too. Commitment is like an invisible contract, where one can lose a lot (and end up with a broken heart too) if things don't work out.

I recommend for reading You Lost Him at Hello by Jess McCann. I have it, I've read it, and it makes total sense. It's all about dating SMART ladies, so don't let the word "game" make you feel like you're playing any, you're not. It's a shame when a good woman can't land a good man because her tactics are all wrong. Learn rules such as this "Don't say ILY 1st" one (which McCann mentions in her book) and dating/relationships should become MUCH easier for you.
 
Gigi-07 said:
I don't think this has anything to do with pride, women's empowerment, tradition, or anything else...

It about how to be successful in the dating/relationships game, and they are very tricky. There are just certain things one can do improve their chances of landing and keeping a man...
and there are things one can do to completely ruin it. It's called dating smart, and women need to start learning how to do this instead of ending up confused with a face like :eek: saying "What happened? what did I do?"
Men have a right to be afraid, too. Commitment is like an invisible contract, where one can lose a lot (and end up with a broken heart too) if things don't work out.

I recommend for reading You Lost Him at Hello by Jess McCann. I have it, I've read it, and it makes total sense. It's all about dating SMART ladies, so don't let the word "game" make you feel like you're playing any, you're not. It's a shame when a good woman can't land a good man because her tactics are all wrong. Learn rules such as this "Don't say ILY 1st" one (which McCann mentions in her book) and dating/relationships should become MUCH easier for you.
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Good post!:yep:
 
Princess4real said:
I'm VA, but I'm thinking about coming up there on January 3rd for one little ole day. :lachen: It's sad because they fill the younger ladies heads up with a lbunch of crap and that's why we have the problems we have today. :yep: More than likely Tyrone won't be wifing up a First Date Giving up the Pantie Drawers Giver. I'm sure some will come in and say they were wifed up, but that type of behavior has caused a lot of problems in our community. Our stats for single parents, STD's and men getting tail by the pound wasn't this high when we had rules once upon a time. :nono:
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So how come we never see you at dc meetings?
 
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