Why women shouldn't say "I Love You" first...

I don't, and I have no intentions of starting.

I didn't read the article. Experience has taught me what I need to know about that subject.
 
I would never tell a guy that I love him first....That's like saying, Honey I want to marry you now and have a baby to them. Most of the time they freak, and pull far far far away.
 
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I've only been in one serious relationship (where love was involved), and he was the first to say it. He was also the first to say that he could see himself marrying me, and that he thought I was the one. I'm very old-fashioned and agree that the woman should not take the lead when it comes to expressing love/commitment in a relationship.
 
So, true I feel that IMHO that a woman should never say I Love you to a man first. That is a no, no. I feel IMHO that a man should declare his love for the woman and set the tone for the realtionship.
 
NaturallyBlonde said:
I agree. I did it before and will NEVER EVER do it again. :nono:
But what do you do when he tells you he loves you and you don't feel the same?
Click to expand...

That happened to me. :yep: He said that he didn't care if I didn't feel the same way about him, but to just let him know when I was ready to say it and actually mean it. And he waited, and one day I told him back. :yep:
 
I say what I feel, and given my experience it is reciprocated.

It's not just a phrase to me. It means much more and is usually said to the person I know shares the same feelings or has acted in a manner to indicate such.
 
lol. the author says its ok for the woman to do everything else first (propose/ask out/hit on) but say 'iloveyou'. whatever. i wouldn't say it first & i think if i was a man i wouldnt say i love you first either. i dont handle rejection very well...
 
Well, if you do say it first you are taking a chance. More than that you are taking something away from the man by doing so. They need to be men and take lead. So let them.
 
This is interesting. I've never been in love per se but I don't think I would be the first to say "I love you." I have noticed through experience that men need to take the lead and escalate the relationship when appropriate. Too many are so afraid of commitment that they would take it as a sign to run away because it's getting too deep for them. Others would take it as a sign that they can show their butts now that they "have" you. I have had to walk away relationships or had a man end it because he perceived me to be "moving too fast" or "too into him" or whatever.

I tend to keep my own counsel until I have a reason to believe that it's going somewhere. If I can see that it isn't going anywhere, I just exit on my own terms. I find it easier than running your heart through the shredder every five minutes. LOL
 
nnmiles said:
Well, if you do say it first you are taking a chance. More than that you are taking something away from the man by doing so. They need to be men and take lead. So let them.
Click to expand...

Annnnd that's where the problem lies!!! Good luck in trying to get some ladies to fallback and keep their panties on for a good week before giving up the pantie draws. Too many ladies have that I will do what I want to do attitude and he should respect me regardless of when I sleep with him. :look:
 
Princess4real said:
Annnnd that's where the problem lies!!! Good luck in trying to get some ladies to fallback and keep their panties on for a good week before giving up the pantie draws. Too many ladies have that I will do what I want to do attitude and he should respect me regardless of when I sleep with him. :look:
Click to expand...

Now you know speaking the truth will start a fire up in here. :lachen:
 
Interesting. :look:

I've never been good at stifling my emotions because somebody/something not involved in my relationship has made a 'rule' that it should/shouldn't be done. :look:
Too many damn rules, not enough communication.

If I love you, I'm going to tell you so. And if you trip out over that, clearly, you ain't right for me, nor do you deserve to be loved by me. :lachen:
 
Divine Inspiration said:
Now you know speaking the truth will start a fire up in here. :lachen:
Click to expand...

Too many women took that Women's Liberation stuff a little too far.:yep: We are already giving up the arse first, we are moving them in first, going up to them in the club asking a dude for a dance, being babies mama's first and jacking up our credit by giving the dude a cell phone so we can keep in contact with him because the bum doesn't have a job or medical benefits. Now we got some knuckle head telling us that we should tell a man we love him first. :nono: I don't think the women's liberation movement happened because women wanted to be men, all they wanted was equal rights and equal pay. :yep: We have turned a lot of our men into fairy's who don't have to commit to anything but being in bed with us. :perplexed We get what we give ladies, we get what we give! :wallbash:

ETA: Not trying to dog anybody, but we gotta change the game back ladies! We got to do better especially those of us who are raising little girl's.
 
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NaturallyBlonde said:
I agree. I did it before and will NEVER EVER do it again. :nono:
But what do you do when he tells you he loves you and you don't feel the same?
Click to expand...

If you don't feel the same, don't lie. Smile and give him a hug :lol:. (Otherwise it's like, okay you said it, now I can say it). Savor that little tender moment and K.I.M. Since he "loves" you, he should be able to understand and respect the fact that you'd like to repeat those words with some meaning.


Princess4real said:
Too many women took that Women's Liberation stuff a little too far.:yep: We are already giving up the arse first, we are moving them in first, going up to them in the club asking a dude for a dance, being babies mama's first and jacking up our credit by giving the dude a cell phone so we can keep in contact with him because the bum doesn't have a job or medical benefits. Now we got some knuckle head telling us that we should tell a man we love him first. :nono: I don't think the women's liberation movement happened because women wanted to be men, all they wanted was equal rights and equal pay. :yep: We have turned a lot of our men into fairy's who don't have to commit to anything but being in bed with us. :perplexed We get what we give ladies, we get what we give! :wallbash:
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:grin::yep::yep:
 
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Princess4real said:
Too many women took that Women's Liberation stuff a little too far.:yep: We are already giving up the arse first, we are moving them in first, going up to them in the club asking a dude for a dance, being babies mama's first and jacking up our credit by giving the dude a cell phone so we can keep in contact with him because the bum doesn't have a job or medical benefits. Now we got some knuckle head telling us that we should tell a man we love him first. :nono: I don't think the women's liberation movement happened because women wanted to be men, all they wanted was equal rights and equal pay. :yep: We have turned a lot of our men into fairy's who don't have to commit to anything but being in bed with us. :perplexed We get what we give ladies, we get what we give! :wallbash:
Click to expand...


You read my mind!:yep::yep::yep:
And yes, telling the truth is a dangerous proposition these days. Many women will say anything to avoid admitting that they've made a mess of their lives, their health, their children's lives, their bodies, and yes, their credit, and gained nothing!
Give free rides... Get taken for free DAMN rides:wallbash:
Grrrrrl, do you live in Bk? We should hang out!
 
Ummmmmm..... Am I the only one who has had a man drop the l word first bc that's what he thought I wanted to hear?

Timing is only part of the equation.
 
The wisest relationship advice I ever heard came from an Essence magazine (oddly enough)! It was something to the effect of "Men are frugal with commitment. They will only give up as much as they perceive necessary to have you."

My experience shows that this is absolutely true. If you're gonna shack up, wash his drawers, cook his food, and have his babies without a commitment, the average man is never going to commit because he's getting everything he wants without it. It teaches him not to value you and that your commitment comes without anything in return. You set yourself up for disrespect and dysfunction. I'm not telling anyone what their personal boundaries should be, but women do need to change the game and go back to HAVING some boundaries.

One reason I usually stay single is because men expect wifey behavior without wifing you! I ain't down with that but a lot of women are so why waste time with me and my requirements and expectations. Why waste time actually developing a relationship when another woman will give you what you want now without expecting anything in return?


Princess4real said:
Too many women took that Women's Liberation stuff a little too far.:yep: We are already giving up the arse first, we are moving them in first, going up to them in the club asking a dude for a dance, being babies mama's first and jacking up our credit by giving the dude a cell phone so we can keep in contact with him because the bum doesn't have a job or medical benefits. Now we got some knuckle head telling us that we should tell a man we love him first. :nono: I don't think the women's liberation movement happened because women wanted to be men, all they wanted was equal rights and equal pay. :yep: We have turned a lot of our men into fairy's who don't have to commit to anything but being in bed with us. :perplexed We get what we give ladies, we get what we give! :wallbash:

ETA: Not trying to dog anybody, but we gotta change the game back ladies! We got to do better especially those of us who are raising little girl's.
Click to expand...
 
envybeauty said:
Ummmmmm..... Am I the only one who has had a man drop the l word first bc that's what he thought I wanted to hear?

Timing is only part of the equation.
Click to expand...

Yes that happens, but that's why I try to live under the "pressure free" mode. Some ppl give off certain vibes unknowingly and guys respond to what they think you want. I try to operate without premise, and allow the man to fly on his own timing (without any subtle, subconscious nudging from me.)

And per your example, the guy that would say it just cuz you wanted to hear it, wouldn't love you because you decided to say it first either. He either loves you or he doesn't- saying it first still doesn't solve that concern (that's all some of us are saying).
 
Optimus_Prime said:
You read my mind!:yep::yep::yep:
And yes, telling the truth is a dangerous proposition these days. Many women will say anything to avoid admitting that they've made a mess of their lives, their health, their children's lives, their bodies, and yes, their credit, and gained nothing!
Give free rides... Get taken for free DAMN rides:wallbash:
Grrrrrl, do you live in Bk? We should hang out!
Click to expand...

I'm VA, but I'm thinking about coming up there on January 3rd for one little ole day. :lachen: It's sad because they fill the younger ladies heads up with a lbunch of crap and that's why we have the problems we have today. :yep: More than likely Tyrone won't be wifing up a First Date Giving up the Pantie Drawers Giver. I'm sure some will come in and say they were wifed up, but that type of behavior has caused a lot of problems in our community. Our stats for single parents, STD's and men getting tail by the pound wasn't this high when we had rules once upon a time. :nono:
 
trj1922 said:
The wisest relationship advice I ever heard came from an Essence magazine (oddly enough)! It was something to the effect of "Men are frugal with commitment. They will only give up as much as they perceive necessary to have you."

My experience shows that this is absolutely true. If you're gonna shack up, wash his drawers, cook his food, and have his babies without a commitment, the average man is never going to commit because he's getting everything he wants without it. It teaches him not to value you and that your commitment comes without anything in return. You set yourself up for disrespect and dysfunction. I'm not telling anyone what their personal boundaries should be, but women do need to change the game and go back to HAVING some boundaries.

One reason I usually stay single is because men expect wifey behavior without wifing you! I ain't down with that but a lot of women are so why waste time with me and my requirements and expectations. Why waste time actually developing a relationship when another woman will give you what you want now without expecting anything in return?
Click to expand...

There you go and you are the freaking WINNER and their raising their daughter's and nieces to think that way too!!! :yep: :congrats:
 
I know in the real world there is an established time-old sex/gender track in man/woman relationships and that men/women follow and that does means something..I know it
I follow it,too with dating

I like to believe,however, there is an incredible gorgoeous enlightened man who not only won't run or bail on the relationship in any overt or passive agressive way but will fully..passionately, embrace, rejoice, deeply commit further and completely upon expression of the words I love you should it come out of my mouth first..
Ideally..imho...no one cares who says it first ..just the joy ..
that it is being said ..has been said and open the ways to even more love
I honestly believe true unconditional love does not have those gender-role parameters attached to it...
That's the kind of relationship I guess... I'm holding out for
where I can freely express without the concerns
of possibly breaching male/female societal romance norms
popularized in those self-help books that I read avidly
and to some extent utilize...but it is a conflict for me

I guess call this my spiritual wish list as response to the article that to me seemed
about trying to get good at the game
though I am cautious..physical intimacy for example
is not part of that expression unless it's as husband and wife


men expect wifey behavior without wifing you! I ain't down with that
Click to expand...

lol..co-signing
 
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kayte said:
I know in the real world there is an established time-old sex/gender track in man/woman relationships and that men/women follow and that does means something..I know it
I follow it,too with dating

I like to believe,however, there is an incredible gorgoeous enlightened man who not only won't run or bail on the relationship in any overt or passive agressive way but will fully..passionately, embrace, rejoice, deeply commit further and completely upon expression of the words I love you should it come out of my mouth first..
Ideally..imho...no one cares who says it first ..just the joy ..
that it is being said ..has been said and open the ways to even more love
I honestly believe true unconditional love does not have those gender-role parameters attached to it...
That's the kind of relationship I guess... I'm holding out for
where I can freely express without the concerns
of possibly breaching male/female societal romance norms
popularized in those self-help books that I read avidly
and to some extent utilize...but it is a conflict for me

I guess call this my spiritual wish list as response to the article that to me seemed
about trying to get good at the game
though I am cautious..physical intimacy for example
is not part of that expression unless it's as husband and wife




lol..co-signing
Click to expand...

ITA with the bolded. Ideally, I would like a relationship where I can be 100% me and he can be 100% himself and we just fit together without all the rules, games, expectations and consequent disappointments that come into play in "normal" relationships. Saying "I love you" shouldn't come with the hidden strings attached that they need to love you back or else your world is over.

In the end, I guess it comes down to getting to know a man and where his mind is at before you get into a relationship with him. If you say "I love you" first and he bails, what does that say about him and how he really feels about you... and is he really the type of man you want to be with anyway?

I've actually never said "I love you" in a situation where the feeling wasn't reciprocated... it was more an acknowledgment of something we both knew. I think if one is aware, you can tell if a connection is really there long before deep feelings of romantic love come into play... thus completely bypassing the issue of saying "I love you" first or not.
 
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I say it first and frequently and then regret it because they actually fall in love with me and i was not "in love". I just loved them and then end up feeling like "i led them on" and feel bad. Needless to say, my exes generally hate me when it's over...
 
I wouldn't say "I love you" first, because I know in the back of my mind I'd be wondering, "Was he really ready to say it or did he just say it because he felt pressured?"
 
adi687 said:
I just found this interesting article.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/12/26/tf.women.say.love.you/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

While the author's point makes some sense, there are some shy men who might really love their women and wait for her to declare her feelings first.

What do y'all think?
Click to expand...

So, the article actually is saying why women should not say I love you first, and the shyness part was the op's question. As far as shyness goes, personally, I'm inclined to think that if a man is too shy to tell me something as meaningful and necessary to hear as "I love you," then, well, he needs to get some courage. The same thing with men who are apparently too shy to ask you out. Maybe shyness is the deal sometimes, but even if it is, do you really want someone who is going to be relying on you to make the first move all the time because, essentially, they're too afraid to take the risk? Or because they can't articulate their feelings well enough? It might be kind of cute at first, but longterm? :nono:


But, there was someting in the actual article that I thought was interesting:

And the truth is, it often takes men longer to get there than it does for women. Men process their emotions more slowly, they're usually more cautious about taking their feelings and relationships to the next level.

True or false? I've generally thought the above was true, but a lot of people will say that it is men who fall head over heels first (and/or immediately) and want to be quick to say they've found the one, etc., but it's women who take more time to really come to love the man they're with--but then men will change their mind and cool off quickly, where the woman was just starting to have deep feelings toward him.

What do you all think?
 
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